Poem: Anxious-avoidant attachment

November 28, 2021May 14, 2024 distantcaveLeave a comment

Poem: Anxious-avoidant attachment

Anxious-avoidant attachment
A comatose, ever-encompassing detachment
This girl is officially a has-been
A messy state of internal affairs
When nobody in the world but you compares
When I wanted what was mine, but you said you were theirs
All the times you didn’t show up, I knew you were there
Saturday evening, I’ve never been so scared

I’m moving like waves in the sea
And all the world is crashing directly into me
Strangers tell me they love my poetry
It’s not as rosy as I sometimes make it out to be

The airfare is wavering thin
You’re crawling all over my skin
I try dancing, but my headache won’t let me spin
I try drinking, I keep ordering lime & gin
One love goes to sleep, another begins
No, not for me
He was my only prince
I don’t want anyone to see me like this
I don’t want your love if I have to convince
You want to get married, you better put it in print
But I found her belongings, trust me, I got the hint
I’ve been searching for you in everyone else ever since

Out of all the people to know, you can depend on me the most
I accept all the virus, I’m even pleased to be its host
I am the amphetamine Queen, born and raised on the West Coast
I spell out “I love you” on your cinnamon toast
You look up at me
You’re too blind to see
The emptiness that has overtaken every part of me
A bottom-feeder
A failed transplant
Organ harvesting on Michigan Avenue & Grant
It hurts like hell
I will prevail
My visage is pale
My words are sharp, but they soon go stale
They mean so little
I’m not really interested in anyone noncommittal
My hands always shake, my frame is so brittle
I looked so pretty in the blue gown at the hospital

I’m scared history will repeat itself
I have your shot glass on my grey bookshelf
The glass breaks over and over again
The hollowness of it is really my only friend
If this is the end, I want a boyfriend
To bury me with the roses just so I can pretend

That I’m happy here
No longer ruled by fear
And eventually I’ll disintegrate, fade to black, and disappear
Don’t come visit me
Don’t bother telling me

That your love was feigned for my sobriety

I’ll tell the truth, I lied
I drank every night
I kept mint juleps & lemon drops right by my bedside
Pink bubblegum
My favourite sparkling gun
You can’t be alone if you’re bathed by the sun
Some people watch films, I make them in my head
Every morning is a fresh start, so I always make the bed
All the texts you sent me, I left unread
When you said you couldn’t do it, I know what you meant
You won’t be invited to the day I wed
You’ll likely be drinking again, trapped in your mind instead
You got what you wanted, you don’t have to confess
Recovery is a palace but for you, it’s a stretch

I used to wake up vacant
Now I’m filled with love
I’m devoted and gentle like a little, white dove
I want to drain somebody with the dust dreams are made of
I want the kind of warmth you said I was unworthy of
I know now that you were wrong
I wrote you the sweetest song

And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep

I give it to her because her love, I can keep
I give it to her because her love, I can keep

In my darkest times, there was no you and me
I’d rather be alone if that’s the way things will be

Name(required)

Email(required)

You agree to receive email communication from us by submitting this form and understand that your contact information will be stored with us.

Poem: Femoral artery (fever dreams)

November 22, 2021November 22, 2021 distantcaveLeave a comment

Poem: Femoral artery (fever dreams)

I watch you when you’re bad
I take careful notes
I set them on fire and summon gentle ghosts
They won’t scare you or hurt you the most
Nothing like true love taken away, not even close

I’m sixteen in a few days, I’m trapped in this body
I want you to mimic a system like monoclonal antibodies
Feed the hunger
Burn the rage
Set flames to whom I accused you of being
Prove me wrong
Come as a surprise
I’m finding I don’t make the impression that I imply
Sunsets after jazz concerts on the lawn
I try to find stingrays in the ocean when I swim
I think if this life is a fight, then I’ll most likely win
But they’re doing a good job of telling God that I sinned

Like fever dreams
Like soft doeskin
That came from a being you shouldn’t have touched
I wonder at what point will it all be enough
Blew smoke in his face, he tried calling my bluff
I wake up strong, but I wouldn’t say I’m tough
My wrists are so small the cops use child handcuffs
I wish I was making all this stuff up

To live a romantic life is to surrender to passion
With the weather today, I would say it’s not in fashion
Love for me will never be everlasting

I want it to be
I desperately hope
But we always lose the ones we love the most
They hit your bare knees, the cascading blue waves
Make you stay up pacing around for days
I don’t have the time, and I’ve lost my own place
I was so far ahead
I was almost there
I thought I was close
I was almost there
I choked on my insides
I was almost there
I saw my femoral artery
Blood soaked my white underwear

Like fever dreams
Like soft doeskin
That you’ll always regret purchasing because your ex-girlfriend was a vegan and the way she wears pink ribbons in her ash blonde hair makes you go wild
You act like a child
And I wouldn’t even say your advantage was mild
Knock on my door
Stay a while
I’ll only be happy watching you char in the fire

I know the feeling
I know the daze
I know the brilliant, beautiful Autumn haze
I know Fridays spent alone and solitary Sundays
I’ll only respect you if you participate in the chase
And God, I love it when you try to plead your case
You lost the bet
The cops know you
You think you get me, but I don’t believe that’s true
You’re only with her because there’s nothing else to do

Playing with marbles on the carpet, so they don’t roll too far away
I don’t have the time
I’ve lost my own place
But I clean up nice and live my life with grace

You’re lucky I won’t let you see me face-to-face
You won’t forget my brutality for several days
It’s my milk white gentleness that you can’t replace
I used to tell you I love you, but now I’ll rephrase

The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
As vital to the body as acetylcholinesterase

It’s my resilient nature that will get me through this phase
I used to tell you I love you, but now I’ll rephrase

Lilac Dove

Blues, Favourites, Personal

Poem: 3 in the morning (God loves you)

November 17, 2021March 1, 2023 distantcaveLeave a comment

Poem: 3 in the morning (God loves you)

Sometimes at night
I think of you
(I’m lying – I always think of you)
There’s nothing else I’d rather do
It’s the bittersweet sting of being hopelessly enamored with you

The more you want it, the farther away it becomes
You stay up late and say you’ll sleep next to the sun
He says he’s running late, but he never does come
That’s the sad truth about not being the only one
I twirl my hair
I spin around
I choke so hard I fall to the ground
And if you calculated my efforts, I’d pay by the pound
I’m lost in abysmal and undulating surround sound

He put black padding on the walls to keep the voices quiet
Asked me what my favourite wine was and said that he’d buy it
Passed me angel dust, but I said I won’t try it
This time I’m not lying
It hurts more to keep trying
Don’t blame it on timing
If I am dust, you are worn out leather from a cow that loved to live and breathe fresh air
You ran your fingers through my soft, blonde hair
I knew you were unaware
You had me right there
You had me

Boys have short attention spans, so I’m working on making my poems shorter
As if a somber gaze doesn’t scratch at the envelope
As if the disposable cardboard coaster I kept from the bar we went to last year isn’t practically at its wit end
But I stare at it at night and I like to pretend
That you and I will never end
(You spin me round and round, you scream, you bend)
I only liked when you were drinking
Because you never stopped talking
And I could listen to your words for endless summer days

I’m watching my step
I’m too sharp for this town
I reached the vault of heaven, but you pushed me back down
And every time I walk away from you, I turn right back around
You’re the most beautiful thing that I have ever found

And if you want me, please tell me
That’s all that I ask
Because I don’t know how much longer
I can contain this chaotic energy, it’s only a setback
It pays for my grave
Collects debt at the tollbooth
Serves me a clean slate I can’t afford and makes it taste like dry vermouth
A botanical celestial atmosphere where there was you and I appeared and you said come here, baby girl, my doe-eyed dear
Please, my angel, don’t you ever disappear

I say never
Won’t do it
I’ll always be here

But you’re so distant from me that my words sound unclear
And the walls are blurry and they’re bleeding red
And I bought pink satin sheets for my queen-sized bed
And I wait every night for you to come fall sleep
But if your love cuts my skin, it doesn’t go very deep
If your flaws were secrets, they’d be mine to keep
And I replay your laugh in my mind on fucking repeat

I know only one thing that’ll make me complete
But if it’s me against her, I’m too weak to compete
I am a glacier dissolving in sunburns and aggressive summer heat
But I still thank God because he arranged for us to meet
I know it as much as I love the window seat
But I see you and her, so I make a spreadsheet
Of all the ways this is going to kill me
Please stop, only you can heal me
I need you like candy
I crave all of you
I know that my hopes are too good to be true
So I lay on the concrete, I only see in ocean-blue

I scream at God for letting me fall in love with you
It’s 3 in the morning
There’s nothing else to do

I only liked when you were drinking
Because you never stopped talking
And I could listen to your words for endless summer days
Poem: 3 in the morning (God loves you)

Name(required)

Email(required)

You agree to receive email communication from us by submitting this form and understand that your contact information will be stored with us.

Poem: Lying in a field of daisies

June 6, 2021June 6, 2021 distantcaveLeave a comment

Poem: Lying in a field of daisies

It was Saturday; daisies and sweet sunshine
I bought myself kiwi-watermelon wine
Caught up to you right on time
After work you have a few hours to see me
I’m trying real hard to not tell you the truth about all of the things that are going on with me
If you knew, you’d flee
Though I do better when you’re gone
I never said that I was done
But I like holding your arm like this
Introduce me to your adorable little fish
That you have different names for, and varying relationships with
I almost died on the sixth
You were the last thing on my lips

Your apartment’s above a bakery so we wake up to the smell of cookies and muffins
You ask me something serious, I tell you I got nothing
I’m not made out the way you wanted
I can tell, my thoughts are haunted
I wonder if you’d mind if I just, disappeared
For a while
Long enough to write more poetry that isn’t about you
Long enough to find myself in ways more than pink and blue
Long enough to try to escape the physical body I feel chained and restrained to
Look, it’s going to rain
It’s like God saw me and noticed I’m in pain
I wish I could see my dad again

I looked through my tank playing cards, admiring that T-34
I found his old letters, so many pages I gripped, and I tore
I couldn’t stop myself
I wanted them off my shelf
I should have called for help
But I don’t know whether you are or you aren’t one of those boys that picks up the phone when a girl calls you in the middle of the work day
And to be honest I wasn’t ready to find out that way
So on my light pink bedspread I fell backwards and lay
The moon orchestrated this day
I have faith in the sun but not the stars
I love the different models of them high-up cars
I don’t really mind if all we go to are bars
Just know that here we are
In a place that’s
Silent
Quiet
Not meant for people that bring the noise

Lying in a field of daisies
For a young ballerina, I’ve never looked so poised
And I know by your expression that it makes you annoyed
Go to sleep, close your eyes, listen to the twirling fan noise

Lying in a field of daisies
My response to your behavior has got me annoyed
I’ll stay in a hotel tonight, I’ll pay the fee
Maybe when I get out, I’ll finally be free

Lying in a field of daisies

Poem: How to free oneself

May 16, 2021May 20, 2021 distantcaveLeave a comment

Poem: How to free oneself

You are
My worst nightmare
A walking case of amphetamines
Blocking numbers on my cell phone
Like milk and honey
Break my covenant
No data, out of range
Small grimace, you’re in pain
Find me standing by myself in the rain

Grapefruit at the beach
Watching the waves, the people
Laughing admirably at their loved ones
I suck the sour nature out of this fruit
I climb on top of the stairs
Let my beautiful long blonde hair blow in the wind
My hair down like you like it
I’m a bat so I work the night shift
Ask about my love life, I’ll say how about it
Stolen glances while we speak
Walking case of amphetamines

I always think about running in front of the cars
My favorite brand of trunks to do me over
Will I appear on the news?
Will you be haunted by my torn flesh?
An abscess on your leg, give you a cold compress
Put on lip gloss and my tight black dress
You know I’ve always been a mess
But this is nothing like before
I want revenge, and then I want more
You went from handsome to a brutal eyesore
And you’re a bore

A walking case of amphetamines
I say, damn, you look good in those black jeans
Almost felt your lips when in the doorway I stood in-between
I find sailing serene
You know I won’t go out with a man who fishes
The music gets heavy, my finger twitches
Back spasms
Micro cosmos
Planets attacking other planets
You slip inside a snow globe
I slip into my lush pink bathrobe
Watch the roses outside, they’re white and they grow
Laying on the couch with you is so mellow

But I have to resist
I already said no
I’m a weak woman and that I know
I’m not proud of myself
Monsters on my bookshelf
Lied to you when I said you’re the best

Walking case of amphetamines
But baby all you really are is a downer
Went swimming with your new girlfriend, I drowned her
Real women don’t apologize

Walking case of amphetamines
I smiled real wide when I drowned her

Instagram Soundcloud Envelope