Poem: Kind sentiments

Poem: Kind sentiments

I wish I could tell you, that it’s killing me
All of these unborn strawberries
Trying to get sunlight with some vitamin D
Wishing I could fall asleep with you holding me

Ambivalence is the trademark of all heartbreak
It ignores the sweetness that my coffee tastes like
I’m taking care of my own well-being
But there are shameful parts of me that you have seen
If only we could stand
Right outside
Sun rays beating down on the asphalt ground
Could have flowers in my hands
You, laughing quietly
Because we get along better than anything

Poem: Kind sentiments(continued)

Everything beautiful in my surroundings
Seems so fleeting to me now
I watch the little ducks
As they awkwardly call out
My friend told me to distract myself
But that’s not how I operate
In my dreams, I see you standing outside your car, at my front gate.

I wish I could tell you, exactly how I feel
But you have more pressing matters for which to deal
So I write kind notes to myself
Tape them onto my bedroom mirror
Say these things out loud
Choose confidence to fight the fear

Poem: Kind sentiments (continued)

I want
To curl up
Into
A little ball
Just like my foster dog
Where I am safe
And warm
And small

And these kinds of things don’t hurt at all.

Please consider donating to my PayPal! I own & work on my website by myself, and it would mean the world to me! https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/lilacdoveCA

Poem: Boiling water (January)

Poem: Boiling water (January)

I
Feel
Dangerously
Close
To losing all the control I never had to begin with, in a heartbeat
I wanted to
Laugh
Wearing a wedding dress
On my patio with a cup of tea
And all the melancholy from January would have been swept away like last year’s rain
The lack thereof which drenched my city with fire

The ashes smelled
Comforting
To those who were not affected

Poem: Boiling water (January) [continued]

Like a campfire
In the forest
I think I was about seven or nine
When I last went to bed on time
I’ve been trying to take care
Of an anarchist’s body
Melted my hand on crystals of aspartame

I think
We do
Or do not
Belong
Where we think
We currently
Are
And that
Is not
A song
I want
To write.

Poem: Boiling water (January) [continued]

I don’t like ambivalence in others
But certainty to me fits a stepwise fashion
I check my email now, dad, are you proud
I can see the way she looks at me and I hate it
Can’t change it
It’s like I’m decaying
I wanted to make January so beautiful that it would make angels cry
Oh my goodness, I tried
I miss seeing you all alive
I’d laugh at your jokes a million more times
Join you guys in the swimming pool because
Body insecurity
Takes the form of a guilt trip
When you missed out on the life they’re missing out on now

The ashes smelled
Comforting
To those who were not affected

Now I sit on the grass near my patio
With an empty cup
Because I never actually managed to heat the water.

I host, manage, and work on my website by myself; donate to the magic & chaos! https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/lilacdoveCA

Poem: Noise

Poem: Noise

If you couldn’t tell
If you couldn’t tell
If you couldn’t tell

I’m spinning around like I’m in the dryer at a laundromat
The ladies and gentlemen walk by
They don’t check up on me like that
Now I don’t even remember how
To get you to react
It seems like my silence
Is doing enough for the pact

Poem: Noise (continued)

Now how come you can’t tell
How come you can’t tell

That one of my favourite artists dropped an album
All I really thought about was you
Listening to each track on the record
Thinking of you punching your fist through the wall
That we had just painted
And me, jaw on the floor
Incredibly amazed at
What I had created

Poem: Noise (continued)

If you couldn’t tell
Now how come you couldn’t tell

I’d go sit at your desk, like a little doll
Spin around in circles in your armchair
Feeling faint
And small
You liked calling me that
Made you feel something too
I think it should be the other way,
But I feel so indebted to you

Poem: Noise (continued)

Now how come I couldn’t tell
How come I couldn’t see
Everything that we did
Had really nothing to do with me
Now how come I couldn’t tell
How come I couldn’t feel
Everything that we did
None of it was very real

None of it was very real
To begin with
Just
Noise

Please support my website that I run myself! —> https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/lilacdoveCA

Poem: Haunted

Poem: Haunted

I step outside
Of the curtain lining
To tell you the truth
But you’ve already gone to work

I step outside
To my midsummer garden
Cos it’s all about myself
In my own little world

And in my opinion, it wasn’t meant to be
I see it in the palms of my hands
See it in the trees
But looking at past daydreams
I so wanted it to be
A universe where things could work out for me (playing the victim?)

Poem: Haunted (continued)

In the grand scheme of things
They’re always listening
Don’t pay much attention to it cos I spend my days dreaming
Future apartments with bay windows
New acrylic nail salons
Runs with my dog on Lake Shore Drive

You could have just told me
Though you did in your own way
I made sure to
Curl up in a blanket
I didn’t cry at first
But then the weekend came
I was tangled and interwoven into you and me again

You should have just
Taken it out on me
You should’ve just –
You should’ve just –
But you stopped yourself.
I don’t get how
You didn’t take it out on me
You should’ve –
You should’ve –
But you stopped yourself.

Poem: Haunted (continued)

In an arboretum I found truly my favourite flowers
Next few hours, you grew so bored, I thought you would fall straight into your hands
The thorns from the castle drains would
Stop to tell you that
This wasn’t exactly
Part of her plan.
I grew quite timid
Wasn’t born to be an alarm clock
So I let you sleep the next day while I did my own thing
The thing was, it was my birthday
And anyone knows that can have meaning
So it isn’t worth the frame-worked lawsuit
The heavy weight in my mind

You shouldn’t have
Taken it out on me
I thought we were different people
Living new lives, so it seemed.
You shouldn’t have chosen
To take it out on me
I thought we had become new
In the grand scheme of things.

Poem: Haunted (continued)

Fortune surrounds you
So I’m in a blanket
Wishing you well in skyscraper heaven.
If you turned around,
To retrieve your belongings –

My apartment would be empty,
But it would still be haunted.

I run my entire website by myself, so any help is much appreciated! <3 https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/lilacdoveCA

Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons)

Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons)

Nuclear envelopes
A testable hypothesis
Will you still love me if I –
Will you drown me out
Like the noise in a soundproof room
He always said he’d like to go to solitary confinement just to get away
For a honeymoon

Light leaks
Asparagine and leucine
Convoluted sighs and my pink floor-length satin dress
Eating three times on Mondays,
Eating four times, the day after
Consuming enough carbohydrates to be like a plant
A prisoner in your gardener
A wide-awake blooming orchid
Couch that fell from a truck bed onto the motorway
We could just make it ours
Watch the fires and fireflies swarm in the distance
Devouring apricots
A routine for my bedtime

Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]

Letting go of lethargic tendencies
But I don’t have the energy
I’m miserable, with or without you
Have to be the writer of my own memoir, the heroine in my own maladaptive daydreams
That serve me quite well
Like soft serve by the beach
Made from plant-based oat milk & Oreos
I’ll let the sea and the sun and the sky devour me, so I can merge with the ants and
Worry only about my colony
What a dream it’s becoming

Empty head
Empty thoughts
Your Percocet
My writer’s block
I’ve been too, afraid, to put this down on paper
A typewriter with no keys
Hands that swell
Knees that bleed
I know perfectly well
That I’m who you need
Will you be there for me, in the daylight and the evenings?
My handsome prince
Tread carefully
I’m exactly who I aspire to be

Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]

I believe in myself, most of all
Though, the cognitive dissonance gets swept like ashes
At a fireplace
Melting, blurring a reality that you swore was three-dimensional
You vase of a porcelain starlit galaxy
You atmospheric void, claustrophobic from your own apprehension
I’m so in love with every part of you
Especially the pieces you really disdain

I’ll take them in my hands
Like the softest of sand

Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]

I don’t know what to do with all these birthday balloons
The vinyl you bought me, thank you, by the way
You precious thing.
And the things I have to move on from
Tangled in grief-ridden spiderwebs
Merging through lanes with my blinker forever on
I follow all the laws
When the crows are watching, carefully

I’ll let the sea and the sun and the sky devour me, so I can merge with the ants and
Worry only about my colony
What a dream it’s becoming

Please donate to support my website & my work! https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/lilacdoveCA