Tag: blue

Love poem: Charcoal-stained t-shirts on porcelain skin

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Love poem: Charcoal-stained t-shirts on porcelain skin

To a home I don’t want to come back to
I have been feeling this stifling feeling of wanting to get away, to get away
But I don’t run away from my responsibilities
Something to be proud of
Dad, did you see that, all of these times, from wherever you have been relocated to
If there is a Lord, they are a God—genderless, liquid, solid, vaporous substance
Never parasitic
Always appreciative
Who you are, where you came from
They don’t see that in you
The people in your surroundings, the ones that make such
Wild accusations, to my peril it used to be
Until I found a form of insanity
That blanketed me in a comfort I truly feel is finally real

I must sound crazy to you
All of this I’m so aware of that I think it’s started to crack my skin apart
In tiny little precious spiderwebs
I collect
In a drawer beneath my queen-size bed
I collect all of my tiny, little, precious memories

Love poem: Charcoal-stained t-shirts on porcelain skin (continued)

Have come to realize that being blanketed in softness
Makes life feel finer than operating in a self-isolated cave
But I feel deprived of a human spirit
Perhaps it’s too much for me to think about, yet I still do
It’s not overthinking if I’m hit with the infinite branches of how deeply in love I am with you

Never want what I can’t have
I make my palette worthwhile if I’m going to move at all
It has to be at a target
As of late, it’s been moving at a frightening speed
Take my physics equations and calculate
How I could throw the baseball in such a way that it would land in my teammate’s glove
Belief in others
A steadfast, full-depth, incisive belief in others
Some of which I’ve had to let go personally
But never universally
Everybody deserves to feel half of the things I feel when I’m next to you

Love poem: Charcoal-stained t-shirts on porcelain skin (continued)

Typing this on a plane—carefully arranged composure
Your black Vans
How you don’t crash out when faced with shoelaces
They always end up bound in knots when I go to untie them
Can’t really figure out what’s wrong with me
You fixed it immediately
Fortunately for me, nobody can fix another human being
Finally evaded the line of thinking that the opposite could come true for me

If I am shattered glass, I just want somebody who comes
Prepared
Unafraid
Careful but not conscious
My eyes have started producing tears as of late—the dryness has resolved
I think about how I feel and immediately regain my composure
Charcoal-stained t-shirts from the clearance section
You said they looked good in relation to my skin
If I didn’t know it yet, my goodness, I’d have figured it out right then

Love poem: Charcoal-stained t-shirts on porcelain skin (continued)

Prepared
Unafraid
I know I can handle this
Haven’t felt it in so long
It’s been years since
I have felt
Like crying from joy when seeing a human being that is in my life
Not a musician,
Not a family member that will forever mean the world to me
Just a boy
Wearing black Vans
Shoelaces that perfectly untie
I wish I could watch our entire story on rewind

I won’t get lost this time
Priorities won’t shift
I’ll dance in my bedroom and my lifted pickup truck while I drive
Hug my children (the dogs)
Take care of things I’ve never dealt with for my mother
I’ll be alright
I won’t get lost in time
Wish I could watch our story on rewind
Go back to the very first night
I’d say, hi
Everything would turn out the same in the end
Me, on this plane
Wiping tears away, and you know it’s because I’m writing
Have no clue
Think I’m processing my stress
I’m not stressed about you
I’m miserable to be so happily in love with someone who

I could have been better to.

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Poem: 77 in

distantcaveLeave a comment

Poem: 77 in
cinematic, eerie tenderness

There, concrete bridge
Throwing up like a landmine
Shocked to the brim
Might let you in

You—there for “support”
Always following me
Wherever I turn up
Scared for me
Budget B-movies
Film star queen
The things in-between
Get me out of this serene dream

Poem: 77 in [continued]

Them, rotten toys
Making all of this devouring noise
Unedited, spherical bends of water
Shriveling cold beats
Turn up the heat
To do away with, that’s a fact
Or a vision—to destroy
Our friends we’ll employ
If we have any left by then

You, not forgotten in the least
Leather jacket, cold-hearted beast
Pockets so deep I put my hand inside
And I leave it inside
It’s comfort I find
Ask how many inches tall you are
No matter the answer, it’s still up far
But with my hand in your pocket, I smile
That little girl smile, you know
It’s comfort I find, you know

Maybe one day it’ll start to show

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Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday)

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Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday)

You know, we grew up with nothing
I found such obscurities so luxurious
My life was so simple
Eerily simple
Because every wrong turn meant
More chaos
Bewilderment
Not the delicate kind
But fine for my patient mind

Driving a lifted pickup truck has changed who I am
It made me more myself than I ever knew before.
I’ve become real acquainted with different types of screwdrivers.
And I remember when my daddy would hot-wire all the cars on the street
That didn’t stop him from feeling absolutely everything
Cross necklace on my clavicle to remind me of what that means to me

Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday) [continued]

As the sun was setting after I exited the nail salon,
I saw four separate chemtrails moving in cable-thin directions,
Combusting as a whole constellation.
I’m in love with my dark, dark, dark green eyes

Drove down Venice Boulevard, and it reminded me of being thirteen,
When everyone my age made fun of me,
but my father insisted that I was a queen
And that to me held much more meaning

Trying to buy sour patch at the liquor store, but they’d kicked me out cause I didn’t have
Proper identification
Now I find myself in my new life and I’m feeling so
Impatient.
Because this life isn’t going as planned and I have to switch gears
I’ll tell you all about it,
But each passing day I find myself facing new fears.
For you
And myself, too!
Because that’s what I do.

Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday) [continued]

Curled up in a blanket,
Watching television and drinking tea
While upper-class people go on holiday,
I just be where I be.

I’ve got a smile so warm we don’t need a fireplace

& I miss the long summer days
Biking throughout our small town
My dad beside me, laughing, as I swam against the
Current of the waves
Making sure I didn’t drown
I know it in my being that he is still around
Like the lights descending from the helicopter
When I’m taking photographs of downtown

Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday) [continued]

I miss quiet times with tea
Ukrainian pears that are overwhelmingly sweet
And if you get close to me,
You’ll have to bear with me
Because I see beauty in absolutely everything.

Like a rocket ship constructed out of Legos,
I’ll be there if anything were to break
The vibrant sunlight hitting my retinas while I’m driving,
I’ve fully realized this is my life to make.

I don’t take for granted
That people don’t offer second chances
But I’m forgiving like an animal that knows you didn’t mean it

Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday) [continued]

And I mean it

I love
Absolutely
Everything
The fiber of my being
The freedom inherent in walking
Around a small town that was yours and now it’s become

A breeding ground for memories
That I will never let go.

Happy birthday, dad
You were so warm we didn’t need a
Fireplace

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Poem: Nothing left

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Poem: Nothing left

I filed a
Lawsuit
Against the doves in my hallway

Told them they were too
Loving
And now I understand why there’s nothing left

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Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd

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Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd

I want him to love me for my bad reputation
Lilacs and daisies,
And we don’t even have to have those kinds of conversations.
Like who do you think you are all the time misbehaving?
But I’m just a little doll in a lace dress,
Can’t you see how much joy I’ve been faking?

My garden is so pretty
My kitchen is pristine
New tiles on the bathroom floor to feel Victorian,
And I know that my cursive is quite Gregorian.
You vomit all over my love letters because it’s too much for you.
And maybe that’s why we’re not so–

Made for each other,
Perfect synchronous lovers.
I’m embarrassed to say
I think about it every day.
Do you think you want more from me?
I’m already overflowing- a coffee cup that forms bubbles and bleeds
I want you to buy me flowers most of all
And I worry this is the only thing I ever think about
And do I worry that I’m not enough for you?

Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)

All the opposite,
Your grey hairs in such ethereal hues
I think I’m way too much for you.
A silver plate and French dessert, picking off the residue,
I swear, in another lifetime,
I was also deeply in love with you

But I am a crazy girl,
I am truly wild.
Everywhere that I go, they collect some kind of files
They say the weirdest things about me, and it’s never made sense.
I wanted to be the most trustworthy person,
But I’m not very good at making friends.

And this makes me sad.
And I want you to help me not feel bad.
But if that’s too much for you,
Then that makes my suspicions true.

Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)

I am so used to being too much,
But never enough
Never enough.
I am so used to being far too much,
But never enough
Never enough.

My hair is gently tied with a beautiful pink ribbon
He thinks that I did things that I didn’t.
I’ve always wanted to be someone that people could trust
But if I cleaned a window,
He would still just see arachnids and dust

And that was a bad line; I’m not a very good poet. It’s one of my insecurities,
Though I hope I don’t show it.
But this is a mess,
The fabric between our asymmetrical beds.
I don’t even know where I feel the best laying my head.
I have duvet covers in different area codes and these apartments that don’t even belong to me
But I wanna belong to somebody
And I want them to take care of me.
And I want them to not be so scared of me.

Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)

So now I’m crying on the freeway, writing this using voice-to-text
And I think I’m beautiful, but well aware that he’ll forget
And I wanna be taken care of properly, like my dad would admire
And I want to be given flowers, like my mother would appreciate

But I am the common denominator,
The problem at hand.
And I just want somebody who can understand
That I wanna be trustworthy to the point where you believe I didn’t do it
So, if I set this place on fire,
Are you gonna give me a hard time about it?
Or try your best to see me get through it

Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)

Watch me
Dancing
Laughing
Crying
Soaking
Rainfall
Open
Windshield
Broken
I fell in love with you three times
I sat and sobbed in the shower, thirty-nine

Or are you going to laugh with me?
Because it is inherently funny
That we carved this life together

I’m aware I appear as a rotten tomato that ruins the rest of the vine,
But someday someone will trust that I’m good on the inside

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