Category: Personal

Poem: Baby blue bone marrow

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Poem: Baby blue bone marrow

Watching a girl in a long, flowing, blue dress pull her partner up
I am painfully aware about my lack of community
Keep thinking things, like, oh, it’ll happen next year and, oh, I’m so busy anyway
So much to take care of within the home
She’s sick now, she’s so sick now
Have to toughen up, get better at not crying in public
I’m really losing it, you guys
I say to no one at all

The sun makes its way through the trees and dapples right onto me
Finds me intrinsically
Melancholy heartbeat
I hate your white blood cell count and I hate the lack of snow in this town
Find me on a day where I’m not going crazy
Perhaps we can make a deal so that Jesus can save me
What you want, you get, pretty much none of the time
What I want, is far-fetched, and I’m not delusional this time
Cell count like frostbite
I hated how the physician thought he had to
Explain anything to me
Then paternal, now maternal
Panic attacks in closets turned into panic attacks in the restroom, at my shifts
You made a headband out of a shirt and the creativity that showed made me immediately
Begin to cry
You already took one, you can’t take another
He already took one, He can’t take my other

Poem: Baby blue bone marrow (continued)

A person saw me wiping my eyes while writing this at the park
Watching my dog, so full of life, so naturally exhibiting pure freedom
We bought so many little sleep shorts at Brandy Melville
It’s so funny—we will never run out now!
In bed all day every day, get well cards, from no one
We keep things so, so, so quiet within our house
Nobody will know
Our little secret
When I’m crying in the car
They’ll think it’s about my romantic relationship
Keep things just between you and me
Like, all of the time, forever
Like a leech, it’ll get us, don’t you know that well enough?

Like paternal, now maternal
The panic attacks have come back
You already took one, he can’t take another
He already took one, He can’t take my other
What am I to do with all of these tiny sleep shorts
When they’re worn and I’m bruised and the sweetest colours of baby blue
Surround you
What am I to do
Without you
I have nowhere I want to be
If you can’t see me

Poem: Baby blue bone marrow (continued)

Thank God Heaven exists, we tell ourselves
Get ourselves ready for those gold double doors
Thank God Heaven exists, because we’ve always been heaven sent
Thank God for those gold double doors
Without question, I’ll give you what’s beneath my flesh, of course
But it’s not an option

Baby blue
Surrounds
You
I hope
To spend enough time
Because not you, too

You already took one, you can’t take another
He already took one, He can’t take my other

Surrounded
By
Baby blue
Surround sound
We sleep in the filth
Cell count like the worst frostbite
This is the start of me
Never again being able to sleep right
When I wake up
Will I be
The only one
To observe all the baby blue that surrounds you

Little sleep shorts

Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday)

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Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday)

You know, we grew up with nothing
I found such obscurities so luxurious
My life was so simple
Eerily simple
Because every wrong turn meant
More chaos
Bewilderment
Not the delicate kind
But fine for my patient mind

Driving a lifted pickup truck has changed who I am
It made me more myself than I ever knew before.
I’ve become real acquainted with different types of screwdrivers.
And I remember when my daddy would hot-wire all the cars on the street
That didn’t stop him from feeling absolutely everything
Cross necklace on my clavicle to remind me of what that means to me

Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday) [continued]

As the sun was setting after I exited the nail salon,
I saw four separate chemtrails moving in cable-thin directions,
Combusting as a whole constellation.
I’m in love with my dark, dark, dark green eyes

Drove down Venice Boulevard, and it reminded me of being thirteen,
When everyone my age made fun of me,
but my father insisted that I was a queen
And that to me held much more meaning

Trying to buy sour patch at the liquor store, but they’d kicked me out cause I didn’t have
Proper identification
Now I find myself in my new life and I’m feeling so
Impatient.
Because this life isn’t going as planned and I have to switch gears
I’ll tell you all about it,
But each passing day I find myself facing new fears.
For you
And myself, too!
Because that’s what I do.

Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday) [continued]

Curled up in a blanket,
Watching television and drinking tea
While upper-class people go on holiday,
I just be where I be.

I’ve got a smile so warm we don’t need a fireplace

& I miss the long summer days
Biking throughout our small town
My dad beside me, laughing, as I swam against the
Current of the waves
Making sure I didn’t drown
I know it in my being that he is still around
Like the lights descending from the helicopter
When I’m taking photographs of downtown

Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday) [continued]

I miss quiet times with tea
Ukrainian pears that are overwhelmingly sweet
And if you get close to me,
You’ll have to bear with me
Because I see beauty in absolutely everything.

Like a rocket ship constructed out of Legos,
I’ll be there if anything were to break
The vibrant sunlight hitting my retinas while I’m driving,
I’ve fully realized this is my life to make.

I don’t take for granted
That people don’t offer second chances
But I’m forgiving like an animal that knows you didn’t mean it

Poem: Sitting by the fire (happy birthday) [continued]

And I mean it

I love
Absolutely
Everything
The fiber of my being
The freedom inherent in walking
Around a small town that was yours and now it’s become

A breeding ground for memories
That I will never let go.

Happy birthday, dad
You were so warm we didn’t need a
Fireplace

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Love poem: Miss Dior (your perfume)

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Arachnids are crawling all over me.
They’re starting to really itch my knees
But, honey, the way you throw your head back
When you laugh
At the way I dance
To these songs that I’m showing you right now, in this light,
You are sunshine,
Pure sunshine.

I’ll learn how to pick a lock just for you
If that’s seriously what you want me to do
I’ll find an online manual,
I don’t even care where
I’m afraid of the things I would do for you
But I keep it very composed, calm and close
And the way you look with your mauve lip gloss
Sunshine
Bright lights
Yellow dahlias
So mine

You look way too beautiful to be sleeping in a bed
That’s
Lying flat on the floor
I mean,
I’m pretty sure
I hate when I find songs that make me perfectly think of you,
I end up playing them into the night.

I don’t even know what this fragrance is
But, oh my, am I all over you
There is rosewater flowing out of the tap
And a white pickup truck in my driveway
Oh my, what am I to do?
Oh my, what am I to do with you?
So fragrant, so lush
Like fruit
How soon can I marry you?

I had a surprisingly good dream for once.
Seems like the night terrors are temporarily at bay
All it was was that I was having a conversation with someone who was looking straight at me and
Laughing
In the loveliest of ways.
He just wanted to hear what I had to say next
Somehow I felt so comfortable sitting there in my seat
I kept making jokes
I kept stumbling over my words
What’s new there?
But I was so happy, for once, I think
And I woke up, and I told my mother that I had had such a splendid dream
But it was only a simple conversation.
The kind that the normal people have seen.

I have
On repeat
Every day,
Like a habit
Muted faces
Mutilation
Picket fences
Fresh paint
Every day
Like a perfect habit
Dirty pickup truck
That I wash every Saturday
And I see the plane flying
And I don’t wanna be on it
Because I’m comfortable being right here
Because of your perfume

Intoxicating
Trembling
Can’t quite describe
The ending
All that I
Remember
Is the smell of
Your
Perfume

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Love poem: From the garden

distantcaveLeave a comment

Love poem; From the garden

You with your
Fast car
I’m holding my
Seatbelt
Wondering how careless you could be with your daughter
And after you were gone,
I figured out why you were so unbothered
Mechanic by daylight
Television by bedtime
I’d do anything to cut one of the garden peaches for you again

All I know is that I hope you’re digging your way through the gloom of the deep cement clouds
To see what I’m up to
How I’ve been living
I found me a boy
That treats me like a princess
I pretend to be doing well
But who am I kidding
Your never-stifled laughter is
Something I’ll forever be needing

Love poem: From the garden [continued]

I put my wrinkled dollar bills on the counter
To pay for a blueberry icee
The cashier tells me
That I string words together so nicely
I wonder at what age
Did I become so inviting?
I just know you weren’t there to see it
I was a canine addicted to biting

And I’d do anything to
Cut one of the garden pears for you again
See your bright expression
In that very moment, right then
I was an imperfect daughter
To a highly flawed father

And I wish I could go back to those days
Like, all of the time
And I wish I could ask you for advice
Like, all of the time
And I wish I could come home late to you angry
Like, all of the time
And I wish I could feel the thrill of 100 miles per hour
Like, all of the time
Without crying

Love poem: Moth wings

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Love poem: Moth wings

You know up and down what real love is
My god, have you felt and known that before
You see it traveling through your own veins
Sparkling bright on the kitchen floor

I decided to
Write myself a love letter
Because who really knows
Me any better?

What do I keep hurting myself for
Nobody’s looking in the mirror but you
I keep on dreaming what life has in store
But spin in circles until my knees fade to a distant blue
It’s so chaotic living like this
Never licking icing off the birthday cake
Consumes me like frostbite by the lake
The peak of my landscape of moth wings
And when I take the time to
Unpack my belongings
I suddenly realize
My god, I’m in love with everything
So why do I
Keep feeling like this
Like I’m the only one
Like I’m the only one
Like I’m the only one

Love poem: Moth wings (continued)

We could see the winter snow again
Buy the coat with the elegant faux fur
You don’t even have to make amends
Cos even God knows talk of sin is absurd
We could see Lake Michigan freeze to death
While what’s underneath simply carries on
One day I’ll get out of bed
Just in time to watch the morning’s sun

You know back and forth what real love is
My god, you feel it now, just like you did before
Watch it coarse through your own stunning veins
Opulence and nervousness on the closet floor

Love poem: Moth wings (continued)

You’re too young to be afraid
Too old to hesitate
We can swim right in the lake
‘Till your body collapses on the seashore

So I decided to write a love letter to myself
Not because men let me down
But because the sound waves miss my eardrums
I go days without hearing a sound
But god, I love the tone of my own voice
Think it’s so funny that I picked up a southern accent
Next time someone says my name
I’ll remember I’ve been heaven-sent

Love poem: Moth wings (continued)

I can swim right in the lake
In the city of my dreams
‘Till my pale body collapses on the seashore
Flooded with hope like the legs of a millipede
I am warm and fragile and cold
My hair tends to burn if it’s by the fire
But my New Year’s resolution will still be to be ‘comfy cozy’
If I said I was suicidal, I’d have to be a liar

I can swim right in the lake
Lick frostbite like it’s ice cream
Knowing I’d have to seek urgent care
Hold myself real tight, several times during the day
Feel the humidity of the shower when I’m bare
I’m a mother to my children and myself
Lover of trucks, flowers, rose petals, and guns
I can stick around for a while

Just because I think it’d be fun.

Like I’m the only one
Like I’m the only one
Like I’m the only one
With moth wings

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