He decided impromptu to get away for the weekend I couldn’t even call him up Kept my sentiments busy with the peonies, the sword ferns, the garden, Difficult to look in the driveway & not see that matte-black, lifted truck
The cold, crescent, fever dream blues that surrounded me I allowed them to peer into my skin My delicate green veins from my light beige skin tone I tried to catch him on the telephone Though, I had no indication of where to begin.
I almost loved him, I think Did say it by unintentionally a few times Was I so wrong to confuse distance with association I believe I was right – though I still paid the fine
And now truly, with all his irresolute conviction He tells me he wants to be together Well, boy do I have news for a man of your cadence The thought requires me to hold on to one or four of your sweaters
I’m falling somewhere, but I don’t know where Look down from the sky & I really don’t care I’m falling somewhere, but I really don’t care He’ll say it back to me when he’s least aware
I believe I was right I paid the fine I believe I was correct Wrong place, right time
Cherry trees only grow in certain seasons People do what they do for their own reasons I am porcelain and snow and almond sweet But I’d die in a living-room suite
Knowing that peonies only bloom in late spring to early summer Exact timing depends on variety, location, and climate Cherries come in season in late spring to early summer So for now, I’ll just be quiet
I own, manage, and publish to my website all by myself, so I would so much appreciate if you donated to support my craft: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/lilacdoveCA
Do I want love to make me feel better Yeah, maybe that’s true My hands tremble even when I type Do I want to show you how good I look in that sweater Yeah, perhaps that’s true My voice trembles when I speak out loud
I don’t want to hide my sadness, dark caves, or anxiety My hands tremble even when I write I know you don’t want me to be anyone else But could you want me back When this is my form I try more and more every day To stand tall & make my parents proud But I miss the mark Still pour my heart out anyway
Love poem: In this form (trembling) [continued]
Do you want me to be me When this is my form Have a hard feeling you’ll be saying goodbye I’m too aware to not know the reasons why But isn’t it kind of cute that my hands shake Even when I am doing nothing at all
We could pick strawberries When the season arrives Because even though this is my form I look so beautiful when I’m pleasantly surprised Can you think of why I don’t want you to know me by My unwashed dishes and unfolded clothes I just want to make you smile
Love poem: In this form (trembling) [continued]
When this is my form I just want to help you breathe I know how to put others first While also taking care of me I know you don’t see the Christmas lights I’ve kept up to bring myself joy But can you take me in this form And be the most patient boy
I don’t want to say goodbye I think only I know the reason why I won’t say it out loud Because my voice trembles when I speak
Love poem: In this form (trembling) [continued]
Can I say it anyway Can I say it soon Can I say it now Can I say it at noon Can I say it anyway Can I say it at noon Before you decide To do what you wanted to do
I think I’ve said it now Yeah, maybe that’s true I even got my nails painted Picked out my outfit for you
I think I’ve said it now Yeah, maybe that’s true Can I say it again Sometime soon
Like picked out of a hornet’s nest, I painted the walls an ivory-white mixed with peach-pink. You don’t even drive a truck, so why am I so in love With you It must be your character Your calm personality, too I can’t do my own laundry without thinking of how you told me, You would move to Chicago if that was where I was meant to be We planned our future alongside each other With short attention span like honeybees.
Like picked straight out of a hornet’s nest You melted and hardened me like the sap on Sycamore trees. You kept your cards so close Like a wild Siamese A cat scratch disease
Love poem: Skin to teeth, nineteen times (continued)
You’re the kind of guy that – If you hit someone with your car They’ll say it really wasn’t your fault at all I’m the kind of girl That knows to carefully watch the things I may say Even though it all Gets skewed anyway
You can see why I thought we’d be perfect. You can understand why I wanted to work through it I nicked my finger trying to open An Amazon package Got blood stains on my t-shirt and had to change immediately Obviously, you know what they would have to say Sometimes I feel jealous that your life is so black-and-white Because I feel like the clothing one doesn’t want to put away And I have no right to complain My life just turned out this way
When we sat on your couch, and you paused the film To tell me all about work and all the things that you feel, I think I fell in love with you for the seventeenth time And I knew I’d be in love with you for the rest of my life.
Love poem: Skin to teeth, nineteen times (continued)
Because if I accidentally looked down, and hit someone with my car they would probably say that I had planned this all along I don’t wanna sound like a victim, but am I truly wrong? If you were to do quite the same Regardless of which neurotransmitters were on fire in your brain They’d forgive you before you even had the option to apologize Exactly how I did so, so, so many times
Because when I think of that one night, Our entire future flashes right before my eyes You and me and Chicago, the city of my dreams Yet God has other plans He knows what’s right, it seems And so did I because when came the sinking feeling I had the strength to come up for air Am I self-absorbed to say it? Am I no longer a casualty if I own it?
Now I’m driving on the motorway, passing by your place I think I would collapse if I were to see your face. But if you saw mine, You may not even recognize I walk a fine line between being everybody and nobody at the same time
Love poem: Skin to teeth, nineteen times (continued)
I still have visions of us going out I still have thoughts of us dancing together I still have visions of us going out I still have daydreams of us dancing in poor weather
If we were next to each other in the car And if you were to make a mistake, No uncertainty I’d take the blame immediately Because it’s ingrained so deeply within me Written on the inner walls of my veins I’d take the blame
A martyr for nothing A martyr for you and me And now I’m changing course I’m thinking things through a little bit more definitively
I’m on the motorway passing by your place and if I were to see your face I would hopelessly fall in love for the eighteenth time
“Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.” He died for our sins So that I can make peace with mine, For the nineteenth time
Thank you for reading my poetry. Please help keep the dream alive by donating to my website: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/lilacdoveCA
Poem delivery service
Receive email updates of poems as they’re published.
Maybe I was made in hell The way I’m living is how I can tell
A lullaby of daffodils You hold the camera and tell me to hold still I’m like a melting candle, the way I’m built Like Saturday night’s florals, I begin to wilt Loose edges Sharp corners Haha, of course – you did it on purpose You know, you’re so good at making me nervous You open the window, but you shut the curtains I can’t come too close because I will never be certain If it’s you, the recent news is very concerning I love to know everything about you, it’s my lust for learning It’s doing me damage I’m picking up patterns I found a loose screw and some nails under the mattress I have this beautiful velvet dress that’s strapless But I’ve been gradually weakened, my violence is sapless And him and his coffee is quite the distraction Though I’m perilously stuck in perpetual subtraction
Doesn’t buy me roses No visible action It’s doing me damage I’m picking up patterns
I have ten thousand things to tell you But instead I asked for flowers You, not so permissive You aggressively declined I dreamed of blush-coloured roses, they were just divine Heaven sent on a plate, a black gun & red wine I was just wondering if maybe next time… I could have a guarantee for a cute little valentine Yeah, sure, that works, he can show up at nine
I’ll look so perfect I’ll smell of jasmine & pine I’ve made a plan for our date, it’s a rough outline I’ll fix up my hair, I’ll trim my waistline For the misery you put me through, I’ll need an anodyne I’ll paint my bedroom walls the carbonate powder of calamine I’m not doing my best, I’m hardly even trying
Lazy afternoons in the pool when it’s forty degrees I fall all the time, I have wounds on my knees You’ve never said sorry, you rarely said please Is it love, or is it the amphetamines? Stop getting so mad I’m only in my twenties But I know the best stones are found at the cemeteries And I know the absolute best are freshly grown blueberries When you scream at me, I close my eyes because it’s scary I think “happy thoughts,” I picture us married But I keep thinking ’bout how pretty I’ll look when I’m buried
I wanted to be your only You can’t handle being worried I’d come for you Never hesitate to hurry
It’s two in the morning I’ve made tea for myself I wear long faux lashes ’cause it’s good for my health I’m little Team Captain, everything I do is the best I’m losing my grip, I think I’m failing this test When you’ve broken everything, what is there left? They think I’m in a castle, I consider this a mess Do me a favour and be my guest When you find out what I’ve done, Don’t think more – think less Envisage Dream about The thrills the little boys and girls scream about She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling
Girls never get complimented anymore The boys just presume they’ll get bored It’s a mistake they’re all making, that I’m sure But I’m only one person, can I count as more?
She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling
Drowned in insecurity because it seemed like disposition When you really want to die, you make it your mission
I’m a very kind and gracious girl If you let me, I will give you the world But as the brutality of this world continues to unfold My mirror’s edge is veiled, my patience can’t be sold
Give me your garden Make everything quiet I swear I’m prettiest when I’m not lying I won’t give up hoping, I won’t stop trying But it would be a piece of fiction to say I don’t dream of dying
You’re laughing at me My blonde hair blows in the breeze I will prevail, even though they’re dead-set on bringing long-lasting harm to me I see through the trees When I run, you freeze Collapsing in child’s fables isn’t only for the weak Take me with you I want to know what God knows Don’t be scared of the nighttime In the darkest hours, I’m most composed
The more you grow up, the smarter you think you are But in the same circumstances, you always lose yourself I collect hard-cover books of flowers & death spells I know all the wonderful roses by their first and last names I play with my sanity like it’s my favourite win-or-lose game You were always so harsh But me? Oh, so tame Didn’t know how to respond to all the accusations and shame I hate you, I love you It all sounded the same
I’ve decided to take my most loved photo of us down from my shelf I thought it proved we were real The space between you and myself But my mitral valve is still broken, so I can’t afford to inconvenience oneself Though our smiles were true You said it yourself Never seen a girl look at you so warm and heartfelt It hurts now But it didn’t back then Those split seconds repeat in my mind, again and again You were my prince, my most handsome immunogen You said I stunned in my floral dress Dainty and parisienne
I know this frail body wasn’t exactly built to please I’m a young girl too – I have restraint, but I have needs My singleness of purpose is far too remote I tend to break up with boys by posting poems I wrote When I was at my most fragile, I asked you for a rose Your promises were painful because I never got those
But your perseverance to love me will be your best power I stay up wondering how to please you I only sleep a few hours Me at my most tired is me at my most sour How much more beautiful do I need to be, in order to receive a white flower? I’m sort of like a princess stuck at the crown of a tower My father’s hung flyers for the peasants and princes to form a line Some of them have courage Some barely have a spine The common denominator seems to be they’re all trying But if you said it’s to impress me, I’d say that you’re lying
Several days ago, I bought roses To make myself smile I didn’t change the water Just like me, they’re dying
Winters in Chicago were when I felt my most free The wind chill was so strong, I felt it belonged to me It didn’t matter that it was a lake, I still saw it as the sea All I remember are evenings at Argo Tea Feeling happy, just to be me
You must have composure, you must be determined I’m taking care of myself, I’m doing it on purpose The December chill confronts me with things I am sure of Like how spontaneously great heights can collapse Like how the disillusioned are most likely to relapse Like how I felt, true love was almost in my grasp
But as the fog on my window, it visited and then passed It disappeared just like that I’m trying not to react
I’m screaming into my pillow (I’m trying not to react) I’m folding laundry to feel productive (I’m scared of whom I’ll attract) I lied to everybody & said I was fine (I was so scared the whole time) I’m taking every analeptic (I write your name, strike it out with a line)
I picture me in your backyard, Picking grapes off the vine I cried the whole way home, driving past the coastline I thought I didn’t deserve beauty, God doesn’t want me on cloud nine So I hit up your number, Forgot you were atropine And now I’m having trouble sleeping because you aren’t my lifeline I tell you I need you! You say, maybe next time “I’ve got a girl here, she’s helping me escape my mind”
To some people, I’m gorgeous To you, I’m saccharine But everything I am, you will always undermine I’m not your chosen one Never your valentine
I’m the one that treads water Looking for reasons to be alive
If you were safety, you wouldn’t give me your hand You’d sail towards what suits you The palm trees, the sand
I would get tired Give up and drown You wouldn’t say sorry, because you wouldn’t be around
The water obscures my hearing The green-blue current is the only sound I wanted to be loved, the void was what I found But the ocean is my new bliss, so I fade into the background I’m five again, I’ve found my new playground
I would get tired Give up and drown You wouldn’t say sorry, you wouldn’t be around I’m five again, I’ve found my new playground The sea has become my chosen burial ground The green-blue current is the only sound
The void is what I felt, but true love is what I found
