Tag: depressing poems

Poem: Baby blue bone marrow

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Poem: Baby blue bone marrow

Watching a girl in a long, flowing, blue dress pull her partner up
I am painfully aware about my lack of community
Keep thinking things, like, oh, it’ll happen next year and, oh, I’m so busy anyway
So much to take care of within the home
She’s sick now, she’s so sick now
Have to toughen up, get better at not crying in public
I’m really losing it, you guys
I say to no one at all

The sun makes its way through the trees and dapples right onto me
Finds me intrinsically
Melancholy heartbeat
I hate your white blood cell count and I hate the lack of snow in this town
Find me on a day where I’m not going crazy
Perhaps we can make a deal so that Jesus can save me
What you want, you get, pretty much none of the time
What I want, is far-fetched, and I’m not delusional this time
Cell count like frostbite
I hated how the physician thought he had to
Explain anything to me
Then paternal, now maternal
Panic attacks in closets turned into panic attacks in the restroom, at my shifts
You made a headband out of a shirt and the creativity that showed made me immediately
Begin to cry
You already took one, you can’t take another
He already took one, He can’t take my other

Poem: Baby blue bone marrow (continued)

A person saw me wiping my eyes while writing this at the park
Watching my dog, so full of life, so naturally exhibiting pure freedom
We bought so many little sleep shorts at Brandy Melville
It’s so funny—we will never run out now!
In bed all day every day, get well cards, from no one
We keep things so, so, so quiet within our house
Nobody will know
Our little secret
When I’m crying in the car
They’ll think it’s about my romantic relationship
Keep things just between you and me
Like, all of the time, forever
Like a leech, it’ll get us, don’t you know that well enough?

Like paternal, now maternal
The panic attacks have come back
You already took one, he can’t take another
He already took one, He can’t take my other
What am I to do with all of these tiny sleep shorts
When they’re worn and I’m bruised and the sweetest colours of baby blue
Surround you
What am I to do
Without you
I have nowhere I want to be
If you can’t see me

Poem: Baby blue bone marrow (continued)

Thank God Heaven exists, we tell ourselves
Get ourselves ready for those gold double doors
Thank God Heaven exists, because we’ve always been heaven sent
Thank God for those gold double doors
Without question, I’ll give you what’s beneath my flesh, of course
But it’s not an option

Baby blue
Surrounds
You
I hope
To spend enough time
Because not you, too

You already took one, you can’t take another
He already took one, He can’t take my other

Surrounded
By
Baby blue
Surround sound
We sleep in the filth
Cell count like the worst frostbite
This is the start of me
Never again being able to sleep right
When I wake up
Will I be
The only one
To observe all the baby blue that surrounds you

Little sleep shorts

Poem: On the balcony (Merry Christmas)

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Poem: On the balcony (Merry Christmas)

I thought about how you didn’t say Merry Christmas
Even though it’s my most favourite of holidays
I thought of all the rainy dates
The sombre, cold Saturdays
Square cross-sections of apple-green pyroxene
Hand over my mouth while I scream
The antagonism of adenosine by caffeine
The nights of unconditional pain
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain
I thought of you as my John Wayne
Only my devotion remained the same

Daffodils paint your iridescent smile
I always try to get you to stay for a longer while
I’m not who you’re looking for, but I’m trying
The roses I buy myself are perpetually dying
If you bought them for me, they’d stay alive
They’d put their hands on my shoulders when they’d come on by
I’d never have to come up with a reason why
When you’re faithful and in love
There’s no reason to lie

I nailed death decrepit, got it in centuries-old buildings
You throw away all the invitations to friends’ weddings
I’d love to meet your family
I’d love to meet your friends
I’d love to meet anybody that admires the time you spend
Fixing up daisies
Mowing the lawn
You softened my view of right and wrong
You made me too vague to quite belong

Falling out of love with someone you’ve loved for so long
Sounds an awful lot like an unfamiliar song

But I’m learning the chords
Your vinyl collection, of course
You want me to play housewife and do all your chores
But with my pale blonde hair you still manage to get bored
The hollowness in my eyes has become an eyesore
So when I look directly at you, you just choose to ignore
And I wait at the docks, my knees up to the shore
If I asked you for freedom, you couldn’t give me any more
Spoke to me like a virgin
Told the world I was a whore

I could leave tomorrow
You wouldn’t say goodbye
It was my absolute most favourite holiday
And you must have forgotten that brilliant thing you had to say
My friends keep saying this time I need to stay away
No more watering the garden
No more child-like play
Find me reminiscing in your spot in the doorway
Nostalgia too much to bear
Your petit-mal seizure stare
I’m not quite there
But I’m almost halfway

I molded you into a diamond
You decayed that way
Now you’re so lost in thought that you’re digging your own grave
I’m upset my soft face can’t bring you back
Been trying to determine what it is I lack
It’s so sad to see you so worn out like that
My words are so useless, coated in coal-black
You’re so sober when you drink your cognac
I keep thinking of this one hazy flashback

It’s you and me on the balcony
But this time you’re in love with me

I’m not who you’re looking for, but I’m trying
The roses I buy myself are perpetually dying
If you bought them for me, they’d stay alive
They’d put their hands on my shoulders when they’d come on by
I’d never have to come up with a reason why
When you’re faithful and in love
There’s no reason to lie

You only see black & white but I’m lilac
You only see in me all the things I lack
A heroin dream that begins and ends with black

I know I said forever, but I’m not coming back
I know I said forever, but I’m not coming back

It’s you and me on the balcony
But this time you’re in love with me
I know I said forever, but I’m not coming back
But this time you’re in love with me

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Poem: Real love is heavenly

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Poem: Real love is heavenly

Essence of a modern girl
I promise if I fall in love with you, I’ll give you the whole world
Stars and spaceships are what I’m made of
My high ballet bun is your favourite
I sit on the hoods of F-150s and smoke your last pack of menthols
You miss hearing me speak? Pick up the phone, and then call
I’m softer this time, I’m breaking out of these cell walls
I climb the stairs to the roof, close my eyes, and then fall

I taste like strawberries
You like me already
I’m getting afraid of when I have to tell you the ending
It’s painful on purpose
It’s an accident you found me
I think there’s a way we can do this real sweetly
And I see your wisdom and kindness in every strong tree
You have my warmest regards, you’re now protected by me
Benevolence is my new form of safety
Gentle reminders that I can live carefree

Real love is heavenly
Real love is meant to be
Real love is white roses and a cup of Earl Grey tea
And I had the growing feeling that it just wasn’t meant for me
I sing real softly
I can’t stop coughing
I want for you and me to do all these things with honesty
The honeymoon period, the vividness of novelty
I live a sincere life of literature and botany
But I have these things, they’ve really been haunting me
I hate to digress
I do it unconsciously

I don’t want to lie to myself
It hurts my self-esteem, it affects my health
I’ve got this adorable greeting card on my bookshelf
I’m saving it for a month’s anniversary with my future boy
I want to celebrate every minute
Scatter patience and joy
Erase the mold the last two years has made on my delicate bones
Unwavering
I’m caving in
And I don’t even expect to be loved in return

Trace your skeleton at night
Kiss you twice, hold you tight
If you have me by your side, you will always be alright
Best girlfriend of the year
I eat lunch alone, right here
Maybe you could sit down with me and tell me all your biggest fears

I feel love inside me
I spread it everywhere
When’s the last time you looked at someone and really felt that they cared?

I’ll sit right beside you
I promise I’ll be right there
If you can’t see your grandeur, I’ll make you aware

For such a small person, I have so much to share
I’ll sit right beside you
I’ll be right there

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Poem: Anxious-avoidant attachment

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Poem: Anxious-avoidant attachment

Anxious-avoidant attachment
A comatose, ever-encompassing detachment
This girl is officially a has-been
A messy state of internal affairs
When nobody in the world but you compares
When I wanted what was mine, but you said you were theirs
All the times you didn’t show up, I knew you were there
Saturday evening, I’ve never been so scared

I’m moving like waves in the sea
And all the world is crashing directly into me
Strangers tell me they love my poetry
It’s not as rosy as I sometimes make it out to be

The airfare is wavering thin
You’re crawling all over my skin
I try dancing, but my headache won’t let me spin
I try drinking, I keep ordering lime & gin
One love goes to sleep, another begins
No, not for me
He was my only prince
I don’t want anyone to see me like this
I don’t want your love if I have to convince
You want to get married, you better put it in print
But I found her belongings, trust me, I got the hint
I’ve been searching for you in everyone else ever since

Out of all the people to know, you can depend on me the most
I accept all the virus, I’m even pleased to be its host
I am the amphetamine Queen, born and raised on the West Coast
I spell out “I love you” on your cinnamon toast
You look up at me
You’re too blind to see
The emptiness that has overtaken every part of me
A bottom-feeder
A failed transplant
Organ harvesting on Michigan Avenue & Grant
It hurts like hell
I will prevail
My visage is pale
My words are sharp, but they soon go stale
They mean so little
I’m not really interested in anyone noncommittal
My hands always shake, my frame is so brittle
I looked so pretty in the blue gown at the hospital

I’m scared history will repeat itself
I have your shot glass on my grey bookshelf
The glass breaks over and over again
The hollowness of it is really my only friend
If this is the end, I want a boyfriend
To bury me with the roses just so I can pretend

That I’m happy here
No longer ruled by fear
And eventually I’ll disintegrate, fade to black, and disappear
Don’t come visit me
Don’t bother telling me

That your love was feigned for my sobriety

I’ll tell the truth, I lied
I drank every night
I kept mint juleps & lemon drops right by my bedside
Pink bubblegum
My favourite sparkling gun
You can’t be alone if you’re bathed by the sun
Some people watch films, I make them in my head
Every morning is a fresh start, so I always make the bed
All the texts you sent me, I left unread
When you said you couldn’t do it, I know what you meant
You won’t be invited to the day I wed
You’ll likely be drinking again, trapped in your mind instead
You got what you wanted, you don’t have to confess
Recovery is a palace but for you, it’s a stretch

I used to wake up vacant
Now I’m filled with love
I’m devoted and gentle like a little, white dove
I want to drain somebody with the dust dreams are made of
I want the kind of warmth you said I was unworthy of
I know now that you were wrong
I wrote you the sweetest song

And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep

I give it to her because her love, I can keep
I give it to her because her love, I can keep

In my darkest times, there was no you and me
I’d rather be alone if that’s the way things will be

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Poem: Femoral artery (fever dreams)

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Poem: Femoral artery (fever dreams)

I watch you when you’re bad
I take careful notes
I set them on fire and summon gentle ghosts
They won’t scare you or hurt you the most
Nothing like true love taken away, not even close

I’m sixteen in a few days, I’m trapped in this body
I want you to mimic a system like monoclonal antibodies
Feed the hunger
Burn the rage
Set flames to whom I accused you of being
Prove me wrong
Come as a surprise
I’m finding I don’t make the impression that I imply
Sunsets after jazz concerts on the lawn
I try to find stingrays in the ocean when I swim
I think if this life is a fight, then I’ll most likely win
But they’re doing a good job of telling God that I sinned

Like fever dreams
Like soft doeskin
That came from a being you shouldn’t have touched
I wonder at what point will it all be enough
Blew smoke in his face, he tried calling my bluff
I wake up strong, but I wouldn’t say I’m tough
My wrists are so small the cops use child handcuffs
I wish I was making all this stuff up

To live a romantic life is to surrender to passion
With the weather today, I would say it’s not in fashion
Love for me will never be everlasting

I want it to be
I desperately hope
But we always lose the ones we love the most
They hit your bare knees, the cascading blue waves
Make you stay up pacing around for days
I don’t have the time, and I’ve lost my own place
I was so far ahead
I was almost there
I thought I was close
I was almost there
I choked on my insides
I was almost there
I saw my femoral artery
Blood soaked my white underwear

Like fever dreams
Like soft doeskin
That you’ll always regret purchasing because your ex-girlfriend was a vegan and the way she wears pink ribbons in her ash blonde hair makes you go wild
You act like a child
And I wouldn’t even say your advantage was mild
Knock on my door
Stay a while
I’ll only be happy watching you char in the fire

I know the feeling
I know the daze
I know the brilliant, beautiful Autumn haze
I know Fridays spent alone and solitary Sundays
I’ll only respect you if you participate in the chase
And God, I love it when you try to plead your case
You lost the bet
The cops know you
You think you get me, but I don’t believe that’s true
You’re only with her because there’s nothing else to do

Playing with marbles on the carpet, so they don’t roll too far away
I don’t have the time
I’ve lost my own place
But I clean up nice and live my life with grace

You’re lucky I won’t let you see me face-to-face
You won’t forget my brutality for several days
It’s my milk white gentleness that you can’t replace
I used to tell you I love you, but now I’ll rephrase

The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
As vital to the body as acetylcholinesterase

It’s my resilient nature that will get me through this phase
I used to tell you I love you, but now I’ll rephrase

Lilac Dove

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