Live in modest obscurity Classic California beach living Sunglasses, shades, Maseratis, fast cars, soda pop A life that has been glamorized Or so I had hypothesized He wouldn’t even be reading in between my lines Too busy thinking about himself all the time
Perhaps a few motels overlooking the coast Empty parking lots Paint a vision for yourself Soft ice cream in all good health Said you were sober, had liquor on the top shelf Honey, I thought you loved yourself
Ladies, you know me for my diamonds I’ll show you everything sparkly that’s designer That girl you once knew, you’re right behind her To enjoy the high life without mascara on To come to rise with the evening sun To know how to really know someone Stay omnipresent – hot, wild, and young Like every morning, a new life has just begun Dark spaces for dark traces of ice-cold skeletons Bones only fit like fragments Do what you’re told Let your dream love life in front of you start to unfold
Everything in the right order Everything in the right order Everything all the same Everything all the same
Lying between last quarter and new moon I figured when we’d talk, we would be with each other soon There are words on my body, on yours – video game cartoons You never meant to express how little I meant to you
I started noticing in conversation When the focus was on us, you lacked elation I quit my work for you, I gave up waiting I became so exhausted not living, but waiting I tried to show you I was patient You hate yourself like you’re tainted Letting of go of the dream that one day you and I would make it
Now I’m in the doorway, sort of half-naked I’m alone, but I’m tranquil, and nothing you do will change it
I’m alone but I’m tranquil Nothing you do will change it
I thought about how you didn’t say Merry Christmas Even though it’s my most favourite of holidays I thought of all the rainy dates The sombre, cold Saturdays Square cross-sections of apple-green pyroxene Hand over my mouth while I scream The antagonism of adenosine by caffeine The nights of unconditional pain Nothing to lose, nothing to gain I thought of you as my John Wayne Only my devotion remained the same
Daffodils paint your iridescent smile I always try to get you to stay for a longer while I’m not who you’re looking for, but I’m trying The roses I buy myself are perpetually dying If you bought them for me, they’d stay alive They’d put their hands on my shoulders when they’d come on by I’d never have to come up with a reason why When you’re faithful and in love There’s no reason to lie
I nailed death decrepit, got it in centuries-old buildings You throw away all the invitations to friends’ weddings I’d love to meet your family I’d love to meet your friends I’d love to meet anybody that admires the time you spend Fixing up daisies Mowing the lawn You softened my view of right and wrong You made me too vague to quite belong
Falling out of love with someone you’ve loved for so long Sounds an awful lot like an unfamiliar song
But I’m learning the chords Your vinyl collection, of course You want me to play housewife and do all your chores But with my pale blonde hair you still manage to get bored The hollowness in my eyes has become an eyesore So when I look directly at you, you just choose to ignore And I wait at the docks, my knees up to the shore If I asked you for freedom, you couldn’t give me any more Spoke to me like a virgin Told the world I was a whore
I could leave tomorrow You wouldn’t say goodbye It was my absolute most favourite holiday And you must have forgotten that brilliant thing you had to say My friends keep saying this time I need to stay away No more watering the garden No more child-like play Find me reminiscing in your spot in the doorway Nostalgia too much to bear Your petit-mal seizure stare I’m not quite there But I’m almost halfway
I molded you into a diamond You decayed that way Now you’re so lost in thought that you’re digging your own grave I’m upset my soft face can’t bring you back Been trying to determine what it is I lack It’s so sad to see you so worn out like that My words are so useless, coated in coal-black You’re so sober when you drink your cognac I keep thinking of this one hazy flashback
It’s you and me on the balcony But this time you’re in love with me
I’m not who you’re looking for, but I’m trying The roses I buy myself are perpetually dying If you bought them for me, they’d stay alive They’d put their hands on my shoulders when they’d come on by I’d never have to come up with a reason why When you’re faithful and in love There’s no reason to lie
You only see black & white but I’m lilac You only see in me all the things I lack A heroin dream that begins and ends with black
I know I said forever, but I’m not coming back I know I said forever, but I’m not coming back
It’s you and me on the balcony But this time you’re in love with me I know I said forever, but I’m not coming back But this time you’re in love with me
Poem: Happiness collected in a vial (Crying in the laboratory like a confused child)
I didn’t mean to make you cry Kiss your fights goodbye You asked why I was leaving, I gave you six reasons why I had so many more You slammed my front door You thought you were entitled, thought you had me by du jour I was addicted to the waves but began to feel so unsure
Stoicism is hard to connect with You don’t have to figure it tomorrow It’s about me becoming more secure, so I can choose a more secure man Some look out for themselves like it’s their only chain of command And others are more romantic They’ll be there waiting for you at midnight when your plane lands They won’t walk all over the ground on which your thin legs stand They’ll open doors for you and make evening plans They’ll play with you, and make castles out of the sand It doesn’t have to be only pain for me to withstand I think that’s what makes life so promising and grand
Life can be golden Real hopes unfolded I’m flowing, soft; I’m fluid molten You see me running, you scream for me to stop I’m a real class act, I’m awaiting your applause I feel I’m being evaluated like I’m on the job I’m sensitive, I think you forgot Less capable of dealing with emotions than fractures or blood clots I recognize this shade of red You’re forever in my thoughts
It doesn’t have to be hard Don’t believe all the others They only know the love that was given to their mothers And if we’re going to live together, we better try to understand each other I’m patient and caring, especially to my lover He’s the luckiest boy I like them more when they’re rougher In private, they’re soft around you and with raindrops they smother But it feels like God knows you can be much tougher And it feels like God knows your mind needs to rest And it feels like God knows you deserve only the best The last disaster you went through was nothing but a test
Good looks come in handy, notably being best-dressed It’s how you compose yourself when you’re at your most stressed You say I’m superficial Please, I’m from the Midwest I don’t respect positions where people leave themselves unexpressed I seduce the chaos, I disquiet unrest To engage in behavior simply out of self-interest You have to be okay with crashing parties as an unwelcome guest We’ll have the most fun Chardonnay with the sun We felt so late in our lives, but the times have just begun I’ll tell you a secret You’ll be the only recipient Put down your drink and make me feel like someone
Before I dissolve into bitter obsolescence I ask myself How do I feel in your presence? The good has to far outweigh the bad I take all of my differently-shaped pills I still remain sad It’s crawling out of the pit, that turns you mad When the ground hardens, it punctures your back And every new sting feels just like an attack For you, I’d give anything at the drop of a hat But if you want me like this, well then I’ll turn out like that Thursdays I read the news, next to my Siamese cat My five-thousand Kelvin lightbulb – my daylight habitat Something cute and clever written on the welcome mat Floating in the Dead Sea with the carnivorous bats
I count all my blessings, but I’m never exact If I could capture life, all the joy, I’d extract I’d collect it in vials Practice careful self-denial Clear my parameters of all the mesophiles You know what used to kill me, the sound of the dial
I’m starting fresh I hold my breath Decide to trust nobody with the data I obtain Draw circles with fine-point pens Contemplate what there is to gain Am I really bored enough to self-inflict pain? (I think if God was here he’d tell me I was going insane)
I don’t do it, but I strongly consider Calling your contact, hearing the telephone dial Listening to it ring for what’s taking a while Letting disappointment take over my smile Crying in the laboratory like a confused child
Drinking my tinted-pink, happiness-filled vial And not even caring about what neurotransmitters I mess up Because I’m just trying to get over what remains of you I’m a girl in a lab coat with a career I love But it’s three in the morning I know nothing else to do
I no longer have you I know nothing else to do I spit out my sample With these coping mechanisms, I’m through
I clean up the chaos I open my eyes I do what I do best, I stand back and analyze But I can’t stop thinking about you gripping my thighs Except enough time has passed that I don’t get the butterflies I realize you were my absolute favourite thing to idolize The dismissive things you said, I made sure to memorize If I was to rely on you, I would quickly recognize
Swallowing a vial of joy wouldn’t contain memories of you All my good times in life, you had nothing with to do It was me that was there Not you
When I was truly happy It was me that was there Not you
And no matter how much time passes, I’ll remain grateful that we’re through When I was truly happy, It was me that was there
I watch you when you’re bad I take careful notes I set them on fire and summon gentle ghosts They won’t scare you or hurt you the most Nothing like true love taken away, not even close
I’m sixteen in a few days, I’m trapped in this body I want you to mimic a system like monoclonal antibodies Feed the hunger Burn the rage Set flames to whom I accused you of being Prove me wrong Come as a surprise I’m finding I don’t make the impression that I imply Sunsets after jazz concerts on the lawn I try to find stingrays in the ocean when I swim I think if this life is a fight, then I’ll most likely win But they’re doing a good job of telling God that I sinned
Like fever dreams Like soft doeskin That came from a being you shouldn’t have touched I wonder at what point will it all be enough Blew smoke in his face, he tried calling my bluff I wake up strong, but I wouldn’t say I’m tough My wrists are so small the cops use child handcuffs I wish I was making all this stuff up
To live a romantic life is to surrender to passion With the weather today, I would say it’s not in fashion Love for me will never be everlasting
I want it to be I desperately hope But we always lose the ones we love the most They hit your bare knees, the cascading blue waves Make you stay up pacing around for days I don’t have the time, and I’ve lost my own place I was so far ahead I was almost there I thought I was close I was almost there I choked on my insides I was almost there I saw my femoral artery Blood soaked my white underwear
Like fever dreams Like soft doeskin That you’ll always regret purchasing because your ex-girlfriend was a vegan and the way she wears pink ribbons in her ash blonde hair makes you go wild You act like a child And I wouldn’t even say your advantage was mild Knock on my door Stay a while I’ll only be happy watching you char in the fire
I know the feeling I know the daze I know the brilliant, beautiful Autumn haze I know Fridays spent alone and solitary Sundays I’ll only respect you if you participate in the chase And God, I love it when you try to plead your case You lost the bet The cops know you You think you get me, but I don’t believe that’s true You’re only with her because there’s nothing else to do
Playing with marbles on the carpet, so they don’t roll too far away I don’t have the time I’ve lost my own place But I clean up nice and live my life with grace
You’re lucky I won’t let you see me face-to-face You won’t forget my brutality for several days It’s my milk white gentleness that you can’t replace I used to tell you I love you, but now I’ll rephrase
The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays As vital to the body as acetylcholinesterase
It’s my resilient nature that will get me through this phase I used to tell you I love you, but now I’ll rephrase
Sometimes at night I think of you (I’m lying – I always think of you) There’s nothing else I’d rather do It’s the bittersweet sting of being hopelessly enamored with you
The more you want it, the farther away it becomes You stay up late and say you’ll sleep next to the sun He says he’s running late, but he never does come That’s the sad truth about not being the only one I twirl my hair I spin around I choke so hard I fall to the ground And if you calculated my efforts, I’d pay by the pound I’m lost in abysmal and undulating surround sound
He put black padding on the walls to keep the voices quiet Asked me what my favourite wine was and said that he’d buy it Passed me angel dust, but I said I won’t try it This time I’m not lying It hurts more to keep trying Don’t blame it on timing If I am dust, you are worn out leather from a cow that loved to live and breathe fresh air You ran your fingers through my soft, blonde hair I knew you were unaware You had me right there You had me
Boys have short attention spans, so I’m working on making my poems shorter As if a somber gaze doesn’t scratch at the envelope As if the disposable cardboard coaster I kept from the bar we went to last year isn’t practically at its wit end But I stare at it at night and I like to pretend That you and I will never end (You spin me round and round, you scream, you bend) I only liked when you were drinking Because you never stopped talking And I could listen to your words for endless summer days
I’m watching my step I’m too sharp for this town I reached the vault of heaven, but you pushed me back down And every time I walk away from you, I turn right back around You’re the most beautiful thing that I have ever found
And if you want me, please tell me That’s all that I ask Because I don’t know how much longer I can contain this chaotic energy, it’s only a setback It pays for my grave Collects debt at the tollbooth Serves me a clean slate I can’t afford and makes it taste like dry vermouth A botanical celestial atmosphere where there was you and I appeared and you said come here, baby girl, my doe-eyed dear Please, my angel, don’t you ever disappear
I say never Won’t do it I’ll always be here
But you’re so distant from me that my words sound unclear And the walls are blurry and they’re bleeding red And I bought pink satin sheets for my queen-sized bed And I wait every night for you to come fall sleep But if your love cuts my skin, it doesn’t go very deep If your flaws were secrets, they’d be mine to keep And I replay your laugh in my mind on fucking repeat
I know only one thing that’ll make me complete But if it’s me against her, I’m too weak to compete I am a glacier dissolving in sunburns and aggressive summer heat But I still thank God because he arranged for us to meet I know it as much as I love the window seat But I see you and her, so I make a spreadsheet Of all the ways this is going to kill me Please stop, only you can heal me I need you like candy I crave all of you I know that my hopes are too good to be true So I lay on the concrete, I only see in ocean-blue
I scream at God for letting me fall in love with you It’s 3 in the morning There’s nothing else to do
