Tag: blues

Poem: Femoral artery (fever dreams)

distantcaveLeave a comment

Poem: Femoral artery (fever dreams)

I watch you when you’re bad
I take careful notes
I set them on fire and summon gentle ghosts
They won’t scare you or hurt you the most
Nothing like true love taken away, not even close

I’m sixteen in a few days, I’m trapped in this body
I want you to mimic a system like monoclonal antibodies
Feed the hunger
Burn the rage
Set flames to whom I accused you of being
Prove me wrong
Come as a surprise
I’m finding I don’t make the impression that I imply
Sunsets after jazz concerts on the lawn
I try to find stingrays in the ocean when I swim
I think if this life is a fight, then I’ll most likely win
But they’re doing a good job of telling God that I sinned

Like fever dreams
Like soft doeskin
That came from a being you shouldn’t have touched
I wonder at what point will it all be enough
Blew smoke in his face, he tried calling my bluff
I wake up strong, but I wouldn’t say I’m tough
My wrists are so small the cops use child handcuffs
I wish I was making all this stuff up

To live a romantic life is to surrender to passion
With the weather today, I would say it’s not in fashion
Love for me will never be everlasting

I want it to be
I desperately hope
But we always lose the ones we love the most
They hit your bare knees, the cascading blue waves
Make you stay up pacing around for days
I don’t have the time, and I’ve lost my own place
I was so far ahead
I was almost there
I thought I was close
I was almost there
I choked on my insides
I was almost there
I saw my femoral artery
Blood soaked my white underwear

Like fever dreams
Like soft doeskin
That you’ll always regret purchasing because your ex-girlfriend was a vegan and the way she wears pink ribbons in her ash blonde hair makes you go wild
You act like a child
And I wouldn’t even say your advantage was mild
Knock on my door
Stay a while
I’ll only be happy watching you char in the fire

I know the feeling
I know the daze
I know the brilliant, beautiful Autumn haze
I know Fridays spent alone and solitary Sundays
I’ll only respect you if you participate in the chase
And God, I love it when you try to plead your case
You lost the bet
The cops know you
You think you get me, but I don’t believe that’s true
You’re only with her because there’s nothing else to do

Playing with marbles on the carpet, so they don’t roll too far away
I don’t have the time
I’ve lost my own place
But I clean up nice and live my life with grace

You’re lucky I won’t let you see me face-to-face
You won’t forget my brutality for several days
It’s my milk white gentleness that you can’t replace
I used to tell you I love you, but now I’ll rephrase

The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
As vital to the body as acetylcholinesterase

It’s my resilient nature that will get me through this phase
I used to tell you I love you, but now I’ll rephrase

Lilac Dove

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Poem: 3 in the morning (God loves you)

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Poem: 3 in the morning (God loves you)

Sometimes at night
I think of you
(I’m lying – I always think of you)
There’s nothing else I’d rather do
It’s the bittersweet sting of being hopelessly enamored with you

The more you want it, the farther away it becomes
You stay up late and say you’ll sleep next to the sun
He says he’s running late, but he never does come
That’s the sad truth about not being the only one
I twirl my hair
I spin around
I choke so hard I fall to the ground
And if you calculated my efforts, I’d pay by the pound
I’m lost in abysmal and undulating surround sound

He put black padding on the walls to keep the voices quiet
Asked me what my favourite wine was and said that he’d buy it
Passed me angel dust, but I said I won’t try it
This time I’m not lying
It hurts more to keep trying
Don’t blame it on timing
If I am dust, you are worn out leather from a cow that loved to live and breathe fresh air
You ran your fingers through my soft, blonde hair
I knew you were unaware
You had me right there
You had me

Boys have short attention spans, so I’m working on making my poems shorter
As if a somber gaze doesn’t scratch at the envelope
As if the disposable cardboard coaster I kept from the bar we went to last year isn’t practically at its wit end
But I stare at it at night and I like to pretend
That you and I will never end
(You spin me round and round, you scream, you bend)
I only liked when you were drinking
Because you never stopped talking
And I could listen to your words for endless summer days

I’m watching my step
I’m too sharp for this town
I reached the vault of heaven, but you pushed me back down
And every time I walk away from you, I turn right back around
You’re the most beautiful thing that I have ever found

And if you want me, please tell me
That’s all that I ask
Because I don’t know how much longer
I can contain this chaotic energy, it’s only a setback
It pays for my grave
Collects debt at the tollbooth
Serves me a clean slate I can’t afford and makes it taste like dry vermouth
A botanical celestial atmosphere where there was you and I appeared and you said come here, baby girl, my doe-eyed dear
Please, my angel, don’t you ever disappear

I say never
Won’t do it
I’ll always be here

But you’re so distant from me that my words sound unclear
And the walls are blurry and they’re bleeding red
And I bought pink satin sheets for my queen-sized bed
And I wait every night for you to come fall sleep
But if your love cuts my skin, it doesn’t go very deep
If your flaws were secrets, they’d be mine to keep
And I replay your laugh in my mind on fucking repeat

I know only one thing that’ll make me complete
But if it’s me against her, I’m too weak to compete
I am a glacier dissolving in sunburns and aggressive summer heat
But I still thank God because he arranged for us to meet
I know it as much as I love the window seat
But I see you and her, so I make a spreadsheet
Of all the ways this is going to kill me
Please stop, only you can heal me
I need you like candy
I crave all of you
I know that my hopes are too good to be true
So I lay on the concrete, I only see in ocean-blue

I scream at God for letting me fall in love with you
It’s 3 in the morning
There’s nothing else to do

© Elle Silvestrov

I only liked when you were drinking
Because you never stopped talking
And I could listen to your words for endless summer days

Poem: 3 in the morning (God loves you)

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Poem: A hundred drops per second

distantcaveLeave a comment

When I met you, you hated yourself
Like you were afraid of yourself
As the storms went on,
You found it to be best to be by yourself
And there,
I was,
Watching a man crumble in front of my very timid but sparkling eyes
It was no surprise
You liked salt wounds and touching my inner thighs
But I –
I bask when I wake with the sunrise
And you –
You look down on me for loving everything until it dies
You hate the earth
And you wonder why
It doesn’t pity you back

I moved out, clean new apartment
Living with a friend
I’m working on my craft
No longer at my wit’s end
Looking forward to all the money I’ll spend
Me?
And you?
Will we ever make amends?

I care no longer
I wouldn’t bother
Oh, your poor father
He knows what’s in the water

I care no longer
I wouldn’t bother
Oh, your poor father
He knows what’s in the water

If I were to swim
To you
To build a new continent
I’d turn around
Find a river raft
You think I’m strange and daft
Never read any of my first drafts
Fell out of love just like that

Now you –
Hopefully you’ll remember the words I’ve said
But it no longer matters to me
Whether you’re alive or dead
Instead

Don’t lose your head
It’s not worth it
We were perfect
But we weren’t
And I’m gasping
For thin air like –

A hundred drops per second

©️ Elle Silvestrov

Poem: Lilac amphetamines (drug kings)

distantcave2 Comments

Poem: Lilac amphetamines (drug kings)

You and me in a state of departure / You and me in a state of departure / You and me in a state of departure / Y o u a n d m e i n a s t a t e o f d e p a r t u r e

I looked past the rainfall at the marble, right back at me, it gleamed
Our last fight in the kitchen, you so quickly got so mean!
You put your head in your hands
I trusted you to a fault
How come I never learn, that like fire you burn
And whatever respect is, I must be unaware of how it’s earned
Your speeches don’t follow rational thought
And I tell you each time, but you must have forgot
I love you a lot
I fucking love you a lot

The outdoors are crisp, you have chapstick on your lips
You’re doing me a favor, your hand ’round my hip
Baby, I can barely feel it
Come closer to me
I’m looking straight at you, but it’s always a different man that I see
I try so hard to look pretty
For you, always you
Never another
But you’re so paranoid, why do I even bother!
This scorching August heat, it’s getting hotter and hotter
And you’re throwing a fit – you look like a toddler
You said there’s a girl – you said that you’ll call her
I wonder what lies you tell to our holy father
You can pick up the tab
I’ll ride home in a cab
Call me when date night to you isn’t a drag
(Smoke like a chimney to that)

And you’re throwing a fit– you look like a toddler

At night, you space out; your glare is of steel
You don’t share the misty-eyed tenderness I feel
You’re a tiger, I’m a fly
Broken wing or two
I lay softly beside you
Afraid to touch you because I’m awfully shy
For my form I’m quite polished- I come in blue, white, and black
Switch the topic to us and that’s when you pull back
We’re selling amphetamines, I dye them lilac

Anything to get the kids off fentanyl
But they’ll still have heart attacks until
I tell the room I have the training, I know what to do
But then all of a sudden they rely upon you
Don’t sign up to dine on what you can’t chew
Strangers remain strangers, the days change like a ticking clock
Put the body in the bag, fuck I almost forgot
We didn’t make too much money, but it was worth a shot

I lay softly beside you
I’m so, so afraid
And when I ask you to stick to me
Your mind’s already been made

I’m too small for you to love
Broken wing or two
Before you fall right asleep
Realize I fucking love you

Only you
I fucking love you

Poem: Heroin dream (tears)

distantcaveLeave a comment

You’re even sweeter than when I met you
What a bloody surprise
You’ve become my moonbeam
My perfect sunrise

You tell me secrets & I keep them
‘Cause I’m loyal like that
I’ve always got your back
Be right there on my bike at the drop of a hat
Haven’t you always wanted a girl like that?

I’m a skeptic of your likeness
You got me carried away
I’m dressing all fancy
Do you like me this way?
Will all the nice jewels get you to stay?
Crisp marmalade
Sunshine in the east
You made me unafraid
You made me so afraid, of what’s to come
And when I daydream before falling asleep
You’re the only one

And you’re reading this right now
Don’t even know it’s about you
Part of that makes me smile, part of that turns me blue
We’re careless on Tuesdays, that’s just what we do
Hit a gram or two
You trace my necklace with your fingertips
Kiss my little shoulder softly with your lips
Got me hung up on this

The drugs won’t work pretty soon, and we’ll fade out
You look so blank like you don’t know what I’m talking about
And then what happens when our families figure it out?

I was spoiled when I first met you, that I got to see your gorgeous face
And we were moving so fast – a dangerous, volatile pace
I wish you well forever
Always in your sweater
Rock me to sleep in this heroin dream

You’re even sweeter than when I met you
You’ve become my moonbeam
My perfect sunrise
And when I think about it
All I do is cry

And when I think about it
All I do is cry