I was holding onto you I was holding onto you There was nothing I could do There was nothing I could do But only to know that I’d forever be helplessly in love with you
My best, world’s best, memories Were me with fingertips And the silly little way you walked My starlight, my noble gas My everything and all I could give inside one celestial collapse I find it impossible How one could not look At your precious face for the last time You were right there You would always be mine
Love poem: Forever holds onto me (continued)
I was holding onto you There was nothing they could do I said keep trying, keep moving I was so not done being with you Every time You looked at me Is laid like concrete in my memory There was nothing they could do And I said, well, keep trying There is no fucking way the love of my life is dying
I cry in the shower Feel like screaming at grocery stores Because you aren’t, in my bed, of course I’m happy It happened So fast
Otherwise I don’t think I would last
And you and I both knew, I couldn’t die before you
Love poem: Forever holds onto me (continued)
I was holding on With my bare arms Holding you like a baby Comforting you like a blanket There was nothing more they could do They promised and I believe them
You and I both know, I could not have died before you Now, it’s nearing May Dear God, what am I to do
I thought about how you didn’t say Merry Christmas Even though it’s my most favourite of holidays I thought of all the rainy dates The sombre, cold Saturdays Square cross-sections of apple-green pyroxene Hand over my mouth while I scream The antagonism of adenosine by caffeine The nights of unconditional pain Nothing to lose, nothing to gain I thought of you as my John Wayne Only my devotion remained the same
Daffodils paint your iridescent smile I always try to get you to stay for a longer while I’m not who you’re looking for, but I’m trying The roses I buy myself are perpetually dying If you bought them for me, they’d stay alive They’d put their hands on my shoulders when they’d come on by I’d never have to come up with a reason why When you’re faithful and in love There’s no reason to lie
I nailed death decrepit, got it in centuries-old buildings You throw away all the invitations to friends’ weddings I’d love to meet your family I’d love to meet your friends I’d love to meet anybody that admires the time you spend Fixing up daisies Mowing the lawn You softened my view of right and wrong You made me too vague to quite belong
Falling out of love with someone you’ve loved for so long Sounds an awful lot like an unfamiliar song
But I’m learning the chords Your vinyl collection, of course You want me to play housewife and do all your chores But with my pale blonde hair you still manage to get bored The hollowness in my eyes has become an eyesore So when I look directly at you, you just choose to ignore And I wait at the docks, my knees up to the shore If I asked you for freedom, you couldn’t give me any more Spoke to me like a virgin Told the world I was a whore
I could leave tomorrow You wouldn’t say goodbye It was my absolute most favourite holiday And you must have forgotten that brilliant thing you had to say My friends keep saying this time I need to stay away No more watering the garden No more child-like play Find me reminiscing in your spot in the doorway Nostalgia too much to bear Your petit-mal seizure stare I’m not quite there But I’m almost halfway
I molded you into a diamond You decayed that way Now you’re so lost in thought that you’re digging your own grave I’m upset my soft face can’t bring you back Been trying to determine what it is I lack It’s so sad to see you so worn out like that My words are so useless, coated in coal-black You’re so sober when you drink your cognac I keep thinking of this one hazy flashback
It’s you and me on the balcony But this time you’re in love with me
I’m not who you’re looking for, but I’m trying The roses I buy myself are perpetually dying If you bought them for me, they’d stay alive They’d put their hands on my shoulders when they’d come on by I’d never have to come up with a reason why When you’re faithful and in love There’s no reason to lie
You only see black & white but I’m lilac You only see in me all the things I lack A heroin dream that begins and ends with black
I know I said forever, but I’m not coming back I know I said forever, but I’m not coming back
It’s you and me on the balcony But this time you’re in love with me I know I said forever, but I’m not coming back But this time you’re in love with me
Sometimes at night I think of you (I’m lying – I always think of you) There’s nothing else I’d rather do It’s the bittersweet sting of being hopelessly enamored with you
The more you want it, the farther away it becomes You stay up late and say you’ll sleep next to the sun He says he’s running late, but he never does come That’s the sad truth about not being the only one I twirl my hair I spin around I choke so hard I fall to the ground And if you calculated my efforts, I’d pay by the pound I’m lost in abysmal and undulating surround sound
He put black padding on the walls to keep the voices quiet Asked me what my favourite wine was and said that he’d buy it Passed me angel dust, but I said I won’t try it This time I’m not lying It hurts more to keep trying Don’t blame it on timing If I am dust, you are worn out leather from a cow that loved to live and breathe fresh air You ran your fingers through my soft, blonde hair I knew you were unaware You had me right there You had me
Boys have short attention spans, so I’m working on making my poems shorter As if a somber gaze doesn’t scratch at the envelope As if the disposable cardboard coaster I kept from the bar we went to last year isn’t practically at its wit end But I stare at it at night and I like to pretend That you and I will never end (You spin me round and round, you scream, you bend) I only liked when you were drinking Because you never stopped talking And I could listen to your words for endless summer days
I’m watching my step I’m too sharp for this town I reached the vault of heaven, but you pushed me back down And every time I walk away from you, I turn right back around You’re the most beautiful thing that I have ever found
And if you want me, please tell me That’s all that I ask Because I don’t know how much longer I can contain this chaotic energy, it’s only a setback It pays for my grave Collects debt at the tollbooth Serves me a clean slate I can’t afford and makes it taste like dry vermouth A botanical celestial atmosphere where there was you and I appeared and you said come here, baby girl, my doe-eyed dear Please, my angel, don’t you ever disappear
I say never Won’t do it I’ll always be here
But you’re so distant from me that my words sound unclear And the walls are blurry and they’re bleeding red And I bought pink satin sheets for my queen-sized bed And I wait every night for you to come fall sleep But if your love cuts my skin, it doesn’t go very deep If your flaws were secrets, they’d be mine to keep And I replay your laugh in my mind on fucking repeat
I know only one thing that’ll make me complete But if it’s me against her, I’m too weak to compete I am a glacier dissolving in sunburns and aggressive summer heat But I still thank God because he arranged for us to meet I know it as much as I love the window seat But I see you and her, so I make a spreadsheet Of all the ways this is going to kill me Please stop, only you can heal me I need you like candy I crave all of you I know that my hopes are too good to be true So I lay on the concrete, I only see in ocean-blue
I scream at God for letting me fall in love with you It’s 3 in the morning There’s nothing else to do
They say, why are you this way I don’t get it Why can’t you change your ways? And in response to my long-overdue dismay, I smile A bit A tad A cinch Enough to make you spontaneously disappear From my mind That’s clear Ocean water flowing over here A water goddess thick with cement and tears to spill Over-emotional until Over-sacrimonious until The water in the faucet gets swallowed up by the drain And I lie beside my bedroom window, staring fondly at the rain The pain, the aches, the pain To my dismay I’m born again today
We missed you last winter And the three winters before that You disappeared at the drop of a hat A raccoon, a skunk, a snake, and a bat Can I have my healthy father back?
You disappeared until The cockroaches, in vast numbers, grew taller and taller I prayed and I wished to get smaller and smaller I knew by December that you weren’t coming back I knew in April how to rehabilitate a heart attack But it wasn’t yours upon which to act And I wasn’t getting you back It hit hard and felt sad and drove me straight into the deep Underneath where I’m found now Thick layers thus far I seep And everybody around me weeps
I unfolded and turned out to be obsolete I’m not particularly pretty, but I’m sharp on my feet In battle, I know the right point to retreat I’ll take the heat Swallow it up I’m shallow, but in ways you’ll come to adore Me, untangled – me, free Me – hopelessly, irrevocably Come see me Stay by my side and wait Don’t grow impatient, stay Watch my most beautiful act of decay And disappearance From the trenches Last that you hear I’m over the fence And gone with the wind I’m tired of the things everybody does to each other here
Holding a picture of my father in battle, in war Until God forced out his last breath Heaven-sent I’m shallow, but in ways you’ll come to adore But shallow waters weren’t what he had in store Crimson blood galore
Save me before I keep on breathing Save me, these people keep on leaving
