You with your Fast car I’m holding my Seatbelt Wondering how careless you could be with your daughter And after you were gone, I figured out why you were so unbothered Mechanic by daylight Television by bedtime I’d do anything to cut one of the garden peaches for you again
All I know is that I hope you’re digging your way through the gloom of the deep cement clouds To see what I’m up to How I’ve been living I found me a boy That treats me like a princess I pretend to be doing well But who am I kidding Your never-stifled laughter is Something I’ll forever be needing
Poem: From the garden [continued]
I put my wrinkled dollar bills on the counter To pay for a blueberry icee The cashier tells me That I string words together so nicely I wonder at what age Did I become so inviting? I just know you weren’t there to see it I was a canine addicted to biting
And I’d do anything to Cut one of the garden pears for you again See your bright expression In that very moment, right then I was an imperfect daughter To a highly flawed father
And I wish I could go back to those days Like, all of the time And I wish I could ask you for advice Like, all of the time And I wish I could come home late to you angry Like, all of the time And I wish I could feel the thrill of 100 miles per hour Like, all of the time Without crying
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Sometimes at night I think of you (I’m lying – I always think of you) There’s nothing else I’d rather do It’s the bittersweet sting of being hopelessly enamored with you
The more you want it, the farther away it becomes You stay up late and say you’ll sleep next to the sun He says he’s running late, but he never does come That’s the sad truth about not being the only one I twirl my hair I spin around I choke so hard I fall to the ground And if you calculated my efforts, I’d pay by the pound I’m lost in abysmal and undulating surround sound
He put black padding on the walls to keep the voices quiet Asked me what my favourite wine was and said that he’d buy it Passed me angel dust, but I said I won’t try it This time I’m not lying It hurts more to keep trying Don’t blame it on timing If I am dust, you are worn out leather from a cow that loved to live and breathe fresh air You ran your fingers through my soft, blonde hair I knew you were unaware You had me right there You had me
Boys have short attention spans, so I’m working on making my poems shorter As if a somber gaze doesn’t scratch at the envelope As if the disposable cardboard coaster I kept from the bar we went to last year isn’t practically at its wit end But I stare at it at night and I like to pretend That you and I will never end (You spin me round and round, you scream, you bend) I only liked when you were drinking Because you never stopped talking And I could listen to your words for endless summer days
I’m watching my step I’m too sharp for this town I reached the vault of heaven, but you pushed me back down And every time I walk away from you, I turn right back around You’re the most beautiful thing that I have ever found
And if you want me, please tell me That’s all that I ask Because I don’t know how much longer I can contain this chaotic energy, it’s only a setback It pays for my grave Collects debt at the tollbooth Serves me a clean slate I can’t afford and makes it taste like dry vermouth A botanical celestial atmosphere where there was you and I appeared and you said come here, baby girl, my doe-eyed dear Please, my angel, don’t you ever disappear
I say never Won’t do it I’ll always be here
But you’re so distant from me that my words sound unclear And the walls are blurry and they’re bleeding red And I bought pink satin sheets for my queen-sized bed And I wait every night for you to come fall sleep But if your love cuts my skin, it doesn’t go very deep If your flaws were secrets, they’d be mine to keep And I replay your laugh in my mind on fucking repeat
I know only one thing that’ll make me complete But if it’s me against her, I’m too weak to compete I am a glacier dissolving in sunburns and aggressive summer heat But I still thank God because he arranged for us to meet I know it as much as I love the window seat But I see you and her, so I make a spreadsheet Of all the ways this is going to kill me Please stop, only you can heal me I need you like candy I crave all of you I know that my hopes are too good to be true So I lay on the concrete, I only see in ocean-blue
I scream at God for letting me fall in love with you It’s 3 in the morning There’s nothing else to do
I don’t want to write all of these really dark things It’s just what the anhedonia and isolation brings I want to be with the daffodils I want to cry from laughter I want to bear children I want to be graceful & filled with poise But the things that bother me are making so much noise
Glendale Blvd and Union Ave I read a nice greeting card and thought of you But you didn’t like my personalized gift It took weeks to produce I’m wandering through the aisles of the grocery store picking up fruit Putting it in my basket to look like I embrace my womanhood Like my mother thinks I should
Alameda avenue I’ll walk all over you Two cigarettes in my hand as I’m walking to Grand I want to observe the skyscrapers at night The people that work late The buildings that keep their lights on Sometimes the poems I write for you, I sing like a song I get to thinking that I wish we could just get along I wish we could just get along
Hoping the rain comes soon so it can hold me How come when you found out you never told me I look like I’m texting, but I’m really writing a prologue To a film I want to make in a silver-blue nightgown Baby, how do I make that sound
I want to be beautiful in their eyes But when I’m not, it’s no surprise I sometimes wonder if I’d prefer the lies I’d reach out and touch them through their disguise
Come down to downtown with me to find the daffodils Understand that I’m an addict when I take my pills Honey, I’m just trying Honey, I’m just trying Honey
