Arachnids are crawling all over me. They’re starting to really itch my knees But, honey, the way you throw your head back When you laugh At the way I dance To these songs that I’m showing you right now, in this light, You are sunshine, Pure sunshine.
I’ll learn how to pick a lock just for you If that’s seriously what you want me to do I’ll find an online manual, I don’t even care where I’m afraid of the things I would do for you But I keep it very composed, calm and close And the way you look with your mauve lip gloss Sunshine Bright lights Yellow dahlias So mine
You look way too beautiful to be sleeping in a bed That’s Lying flat on the floor I mean, I’m pretty sure I hate when I find songs that make me perfectly think of you, I end up playing them into the night.
I don’t even know what this fragrance is But, oh my, am I all over you There is rosewater flowing out of the tap And a white pickup truck in my driveway Oh my, what am I to do? Oh my, what am I to do with you? So fragrant, so lush Like fruit How soon can I marry you?
I had a surprisingly good dream for once. Seems like the night terrors are temporarily at bay All it was was that I was having a conversation with someone who was looking straight at me and Laughing In the loveliest of ways. He just wanted to hear what I had to say next Somehow I felt so comfortable sitting there in my seat I kept making jokes I kept stumbling over my words What’s new there? But I was so happy, for once, I think And I woke up, and I told my mother that I had had such a splendid dream But it was only a simple conversation. The kind that the normal people have seen.
I have On repeat Every day, Like a habit Muted faces Mutilation Picket fences Fresh paint Every day Like a perfect habit Dirty pickup truck That I wash every Saturday And I see the plane flying And I don’t wanna be on it Because I’m comfortable being right here Because of your perfume
Intoxicating Trembling Can’t quite describe The ending All that I Remember Is the smell of Your Perfume
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Nuclear envelopes A testable hypothesis Will you still love me if I – Will you drown me out Like the noise in a soundproof room He always said he’d like to go to solitary confinement just to get away For a honeymoon
Light leaks Asparagine and leucine Convoluted sighs and my pink floor-length satin dress Eating three times on Mondays, Eating four times, the day after Consuming enough carbohydrates to be like a plant A prisoner in your gardener A wide-awake blooming orchid Couch that fell from a truck bed onto the motorway We could just make it ours Watch the fires and fireflies swarm in the distance Devouring apricots A routine for my bedtime
Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]
Letting go of lethargic tendencies But I don’t have the energy I’m miserable, with or without you Have to be the writer of my own memoir, the heroine in my own maladaptive daydreams That serve me quite well Like soft serve by the beach Made from plant-based oat milk & Oreos I’ll let the sea and the sun and the sky devour me, so I can merge with the ants and Worry only about my colony What a dream it’s becoming
Empty head Empty thoughts Your Percocet My writer’s block I’ve been too, afraid, to put this down on paper A typewriter with no keys Hands that swell Knees that bleed I know perfectly well That I’m who you need Will you be there for me, in the daylight and the evenings? My handsome prince Tread carefully I’m exactly who I aspire to be
Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]
I believe in myself, most of all Though, the cognitive dissonance gets swept like ashes At a fireplace Melting, blurring a reality that you swore was three-dimensional You vase of a porcelain starlit galaxy You atmospheric void, claustrophobic from your own apprehension I’m so in love with every part of you Especially the pieces you really disdain
I’ll take them in my hands Like the softest of sand
Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]
I don’t know what to do with all these birthday balloons The vinyl you bought me, thank you, by the way You precious thing. And the things I have to move on from Tangled in grief-ridden spiderwebs Merging through lanes with my blinker forever on I follow all the laws When the crows are watching, carefully
I’ll let the sea and the sun and the sky devour me, so I can merge with the ants and Worry only about my colony What a dream it’s becoming
It was on purpose It wasn’t a mistake I got Frostbite From choking on splinters Peeling them like grapes
Thin as a needle You make it seem easy The ploughing is destroying the peyote And I have created a party for you, the reason for my demise I’ve been so intrigued ever since you rolled down the window for me to feel the breeze
You will always have the medicine with you Wherever you go
Poem: Choking on Grapes, continued
In Texas, I felt free because the gas was cheap, and I had salt in my Teeth Washing my brand-new blue jeans Wheat fields and a can of cola, riding in the bed of a truck looking over my shoulder Tired of having nobody to say anything to I feel alone and even though I’m used to it I still have to shrug it off, it seems A fig tree standing for no one
Pharmacology is lovely & my favourite toothpaste is by Arm & Hammer I drive to the nearby Rite Aid, where I get a lottery ticket for my mother Mixing up my favourite numbers I never win, but she swears I’m so lucky I couldn’t spell it out right if you had the guts to call me The ravens in the sky figured out how to fly In ways that make girls and boys want to order cameras that run on film See a kid skateboard home and it’s like it’s 2008 And my hair is blonde A lavender bush smiling for no one
Poem: Choking on grapes, continued
Cut in half an apricot Can run for miles; dimes are all I got My backpack is lilac, because I want the items I own to be beautiful To represent a part of me that feels eternal Colour schemes and fever dreams I get lost Upside down Tangled in between two separate swings Lose and find my favourite things
It must have been on purpose It was no mistake Soft cotton Precious limestone Overflowing bookcase that survives California earthquakes Girls are selling their poetry on Instagram and I’m
Still broke Choking on splinters Peeling them like grapes
I need moral support You’re all so boring I’m smoking a cigarette in the apartment Light pink slippers The room turns to melting frost
I need to make a choice You’re all so lonely I’m smoking a cigarette in the backyard Bamboo curtains Disheveled in appearance but on trial on time
Serving our community Driving with my eyes closed An avalanche and beat-down neighborhood where funeral homes are sold I love him but he won’t bear arms So how can he protect me If you can send me a silver lining Tell my father I’m tired of waking up and fighting Won’t you inspire me FedEx me your venom through an umbilical cord
Dandelion and Baby’s Breath They crowd around me Tear out my hair Laugh at the angles of my bones The fog terrifies me Though I’m so aware I’ll crumble if I’m not composed
Even if I’m brittle I’ll stay up for a little
I met a girl named Isabel Passed me an ashtray in her jet black corvette Ambiguous Butterflies For how long For how much longer Dad, how much longer do I have How much longer do I have to keep doing this
Just to get home Just to get home Closing my left eye to see straight She had gold silverware in her jet black corvette Told me her boy was frustrating her because he always forgets
Took the wrong exit off the freeway Ended up in a ditch Peace was there Waiting for me Nobody stopped to ask what I was doing If you want miracles, I’m living proof of it
Plain charcoal grey t shirt I want to write the kind of poetry that scares boys away The right one will see me for my diamonds and my smoke screens A bridge gently collapsing Laying down next to a fountain
I don’t go to parties Because the people tend to bore me They stand in circles and ask each other “what’s up?”
Poem: Happiness collected in a vial (Crying in the laboratory like a confused child)
I didn’t mean to make you cry Kiss your fights goodbye You asked why I was leaving, I gave you six reasons why I had so many more You slammed my front door You thought you were entitled, thought you had me by du jour I was addicted to the waves but began to feel so unsure
Stoicism is hard to connect with You don’t have to figure it tomorrow It’s about me becoming more secure, so I can choose a more secure man Some look out for themselves like it’s their only chain of command And others are more romantic They’ll be there waiting for you at midnight when your plane lands They won’t walk all over the ground on which your thin legs stand They’ll open doors for you and make evening plans They’ll play with you, and make castles out of the sand It doesn’t have to be only pain for me to withstand I think that’s what makes life so promising and grand
Life can be golden Real hopes unfolded I’m flowing, soft; I’m fluid molten You see me running, you scream for me to stop I’m a real class act, I’m awaiting your applause I feel I’m being evaluated like I’m on the job I’m sensitive, I think you forgot Less capable of dealing with emotions than fractures or blood clots I recognize this shade of red You’re forever in my thoughts
It doesn’t have to be hard Don’t believe all the others They only know the love that was given to their mothers And if we’re going to live together, we better try to understand each other I’m patient and caring, especially to my lover He’s the luckiest boy I like them more when they’re rougher In private, they’re soft around you and with raindrops they smother But it feels like God knows you can be much tougher And it feels like God knows your mind needs to rest And it feels like God knows you deserve only the best The last disaster you went through was nothing but a test
Good looks come in handy, notably being best-dressed It’s how you compose yourself when you’re at your most stressed You say I’m superficial Please, I’m from the Midwest I don’t respect positions where people leave themselves unexpressed I seduce the chaos, I disquiet unrest To engage in behavior simply out of self-interest You have to be okay with crashing parties as an unwelcome guest We’ll have the most fun Chardonnay with the sun We felt so late in our lives, but the times have just begun I’ll tell you a secret You’ll be the only recipient Put down your drink and make me feel like someone
Before I dissolve into bitter obsolescence I ask myself How do I feel in your presence? The good has to far outweigh the bad I take all of my differently-shaped pills I still remain sad It’s crawling out of the pit, that turns you mad When the ground hardens, it punctures your back And every new sting feels just like an attack For you, I’d give anything at the drop of a hat But if you want me like this, well then I’ll turn out like that Thursdays I read the news, next to my Siamese cat My five-thousand Kelvin lightbulb – my daylight habitat Something cute and clever written on the welcome mat Floating in the Dead Sea with the carnivorous bats
I count all my blessings, but I’m never exact If I could capture life, all the joy, I’d extract I’d collect it in vials Practice careful self-denial Clear my parameters of all the mesophiles You know what used to kill me, the sound of the dial
I’m starting fresh I hold my breath Decide to trust nobody with the data I obtain Draw circles with fine-point pens Contemplate what there is to gain Am I really bored enough to self-inflict pain? (I think if God was here he’d tell me I was going insane)
I don’t do it, but I strongly consider Calling your contact, hearing the telephone dial Listening to it ring for what’s taking a while Letting disappointment take over my smile Crying in the laboratory like a confused child
Drinking my tinted-pink, happiness-filled vial And not even caring about what neurotransmitters I mess up Because I’m just trying to get over what remains of you I’m a girl in a lab coat with a career I love But it’s three in the morning I know nothing else to do
I no longer have you I know nothing else to do I spit out my sample With these coping mechanisms, I’m through
I clean up the chaos I open my eyes I do what I do best, I stand back and analyze But I can’t stop thinking about you gripping my thighs Except enough time has passed that I don’t get the butterflies I realize you were my absolute favourite thing to idolize The dismissive things you said, I made sure to memorize If I was to rely on you, I would quickly recognize
Swallowing a vial of joy wouldn’t contain memories of you All my good times in life, you had nothing with to do It was me that was there Not you
When I was truly happy It was me that was there Not you
And no matter how much time passes, I’ll remain grateful that we’re through When I was truly happy, It was me that was there
