You with your Fast car I’m holding my Seatbelt Wondering how careless you could be with your daughter And after you were gone, I figured out why you were so unbothered Mechanic by daylight Television by bedtime I’d do anything to cut one of the garden peaches for you again
All I know is that I hope you’re digging your way through the gloom of the deep cement clouds To see what I’m up to How I’ve been living I found me a boy That treats me like a princess I pretend to be doing well But who am I kidding Your never-stifled laughter is Something I’ll forever be needing
Poem: From the garden [continued]
I put my wrinkled dollar bills on the counter To pay for a blueberry icee The cashier tells me That I string words together so nicely I wonder at what age Did I become so inviting? I just know you weren’t there to see it I was a canine addicted to biting
And I’d do anything to Cut one of the garden pears for you again See your bright expression In that very moment, right then I was an imperfect daughter To a highly flawed father
And I wish I could go back to those days Like, all of the time And I wish I could ask you for advice Like, all of the time And I wish I could come home late to you angry Like, all of the time And I wish I could feel the thrill of 100 miles per hour Like, all of the time Without crying
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And that’s all that he needs from her Pretty gal in his Vans t-shirt “Felt cute,” so I matched it with a plaid skirt I didn’t think you’d notice; when you didn’t, it still hurt
To know that I Am not The important figurine my egotistical self deems me to be If our destinations were predetermined, I know you’d still find a way to hurt me on purpose Was so confused, wondered why I was acting so nervous Fell into a tar black trap trying to become perfect I think to myself, was it worth it If it’s me, you’ll always think less Doesn’t matter the lip shade or the dress Doesn’t matter how warm the hostess
The pretty dresses that I bought to look like your housewife Don’t even fit me anymore since I recovered and came back to life I don’t think paradise is Looking at a light pink satin gown Having daydreams, strolling around town Nobody to look at, so where I look is down Beneath the surface, off the edges, your voice is my favourite sound I hate, hate, hate not having it around You lost yourself or something, your irrationality is profound In this parallel universe, a new beginning is what I’ve found When I think about my love, I kind of love myself now
Ambiguity and confusion Inspiration and bliss Hair soft & golden, my perfume is what you’ll miss The floral soft magnitudes The strings on your toys One of your wrong moves was assuming there were any other boys When the yelling got too heavy, I surrendered to the noise I never cried in front of you; I held myself with poise Some things don’t really matter when you don’t have a choice
I recognized a softness In you, but it was me I’m the girl with pastel colours, who makes life lovely A beautiful, sacred place to be You felt so far away that I could not see The visions that you had of me kept smothering me You had an advantage You ran out of chances You never considered the stones I held To believe in something, to pretend You loved being adored I was alone and bored Pick out keychains with our names at the corner store Saying that you love me always seemed like such a chore
You move one way, I step right back I held on tight; I now regret that It takes some time for me to become attached But the memories that we contain run like a time-lapse And I have flashbacks Panic attacks Running right after you, you screaming right back I’m the glass wind shield, you’re the baseball bat This isn’t what love is like, do you realize that?
I made my resolution early To not find myself trapped I wrap my wings around my torso like a little baby bat I think of you while in traffic, I get so mad I’m not your baby doll no more, I’m never coming back
Running right after you, you screaming right back I’m the Victorian vanity mirror, you’re the one whose mad Then you tell me you love me, but you look at me like that I’m not your baby doll no more
I’m a very kind and gracious girl If you let me, I will give you the world But as the brutality of this world continues to unfold My mirror’s edge is veiled, my patience can’t be sold
Give me your garden Make everything quiet I swear I’m prettiest when I’m not lying I won’t give up hoping, I won’t stop trying But it would be a piece of fiction to say I don’t dream of dying
You’re laughing at me My blonde hair blows in the breeze I will prevail, even though they’re dead-set on bringing long-lasting harm to me I see through the trees When I run, you freeze Collapsing in child’s fables isn’t only for the weak Take me with you I want to know what God knows Don’t be scared of the nighttime In the darkest hours, I’m most composed
The more you grow up, the smarter you think you are But in the same circumstances, you always lose yourself I collect hard-cover books of flowers & death spells I know all the wonderful roses by their first and last names I play with my sanity like it’s my favourite win-or-lose game You were always so harsh But me? Oh, so tame Didn’t know how to respond to all the accusations and shame I hate you, I love you It all sounded the same
I’ve decided to take my most loved photo of us down from my shelf I thought it proved we were real The space between you and myself But my mitral valve is still broken, so I can’t afford to inconvenience oneself Though our smiles were true You said it yourself Never seen a girl look at you so warm and heartfelt It hurts now But it didn’t back then Those split seconds repeat in my mind, again and again You were my prince, my most handsome immunogen You said I stunned in my floral dress Dainty and parisienne
I know this frail body wasn’t exactly built to please I’m a young girl too – I have restraint, but I have needs My singleness of purpose is far too remote I tend to break up with boys by posting poems I wrote When I was at my most fragile, I asked you for a rose Your promises were painful because I never got those
But your perseverance to love me will be your best power I stay up wondering how to please you I only sleep a few hours Me at my most tired is me at my most sour How much more beautiful do I need to be, in order to receive a white flower? I’m sort of like a princess stuck at the crown of a tower My father’s hung flyers for the peasants and princes to form a line Some of them have courage Some barely have a spine The common denominator seems to be they’re all trying But if you said it’s to impress me, I’d say that you’re lying
Several days ago, I bought roses To make myself smile I didn’t change the water Just like me, they’re dying
Winters in Chicago were when I felt my most free The wind chill was so strong, I felt it belonged to me It didn’t matter that it was a lake, I still saw it as the sea All I remember are evenings at Argo Tea Feeling happy, just to be me
You must have composure, you must be determined I’m taking care of myself, I’m doing it on purpose The December chill confronts me with things I am sure of Like how spontaneously great heights can collapse Like how the disillusioned are most likely to relapse Like how I felt, true love was almost in my grasp
But as the fog on my window, it visited and then passed It disappeared just like that I’m trying not to react
I’m screaming into my pillow (I’m trying not to react) I’m folding laundry to feel productive (I’m scared of whom I’ll attract) I lied to everybody & said I was fine (I was so scared the whole time) I’m taking every analeptic (I write your name, strike it out with a line)
I picture me in your backyard, Picking grapes off the vine I cried the whole way home, driving past the coastline I thought I didn’t deserve beauty, God doesn’t want me on cloud nine So I hit up your number, Forgot you were atropine And now I’m having trouble sleeping because you aren’t my lifeline I tell you I need you! You say, maybe next time “I’ve got a girl here, she’s helping me escape my mind”
To some people, I’m gorgeous To you, I’m saccharine But everything I am, you will always undermine I’m not your chosen one Never your valentine
I’m the one that treads water Looking for reasons to be alive
If you were safety, you wouldn’t give me your hand You’d sail towards what suits you The palm trees, the sand
I would get tired Give up and drown You wouldn’t say sorry, because you wouldn’t be around
The water obscures my hearing The green-blue current is the only sound I wanted to be loved, the void was what I found But the ocean is my new bliss, so I fade into the background I’m five again, I’ve found my new playground
I would get tired Give up and drown You wouldn’t say sorry, you wouldn’t be around I’m five again, I’ve found my new playground The sea has become my chosen burial ground The green-blue current is the only sound
The void is what I felt, but true love is what I found
Poem: Happiness collected in a vial (Crying in the laboratory like a confused child)
I didn’t mean to make you cry Kiss your fights goodbye You asked why I was leaving, I gave you six reasons why I had so many more You slammed my front door You thought you were entitled, thought you had me by du jour I was addicted to the waves but began to feel so unsure
Stoicism is hard to connect with You don’t have to figure it tomorrow It’s about me becoming more secure, so I can choose a more secure man Some look out for themselves like it’s their only chain of command And others are more romantic They’ll be there waiting for you at midnight when your plane lands They won’t walk all over the ground on which your thin legs stand They’ll open doors for you and make evening plans They’ll play with you, and make castles out of the sand It doesn’t have to be only pain for me to withstand I think that’s what makes life so promising and grand
Life can be golden Real hopes unfolded I’m flowing, soft; I’m fluid molten You see me running, you scream for me to stop I’m a real class act, I’m awaiting your applause I feel I’m being evaluated like I’m on the job I’m sensitive, I think you forgot Less capable of dealing with emotions than fractures or blood clots I recognize this shade of red You’re forever in my thoughts
It doesn’t have to be hard Don’t believe all the others They only know the love that was given to their mothers And if we’re going to live together, we better try to understand each other I’m patient and caring, especially to my lover He’s the luckiest boy I like them more when they’re rougher In private, they’re soft around you and with raindrops they smother But it feels like God knows you can be much tougher And it feels like God knows your mind needs to rest And it feels like God knows you deserve only the best The last disaster you went through was nothing but a test
Good looks come in handy, notably being best-dressed It’s how you compose yourself when you’re at your most stressed You say I’m superficial Please, I’m from the Midwest I don’t respect positions where people leave themselves unexpressed I seduce the chaos, I disquiet unrest To engage in behavior simply out of self-interest You have to be okay with crashing parties as an unwelcome guest We’ll have the most fun Chardonnay with the sun We felt so late in our lives, but the times have just begun I’ll tell you a secret You’ll be the only recipient Put down your drink and make me feel like someone
Before I dissolve into bitter obsolescence I ask myself How do I feel in your presence? The good has to far outweigh the bad I take all of my differently-shaped pills I still remain sad It’s crawling out of the pit, that turns you mad When the ground hardens, it punctures your back And every new sting feels just like an attack For you, I’d give anything at the drop of a hat But if you want me like this, well then I’ll turn out like that Thursdays I read the news, next to my Siamese cat My five-thousand Kelvin lightbulb – my daylight habitat Something cute and clever written on the welcome mat Floating in the Dead Sea with the carnivorous bats
I count all my blessings, but I’m never exact If I could capture life, all the joy, I’d extract I’d collect it in vials Practice careful self-denial Clear my parameters of all the mesophiles You know what used to kill me, the sound of the dial
I’m starting fresh I hold my breath Decide to trust nobody with the data I obtain Draw circles with fine-point pens Contemplate what there is to gain Am I really bored enough to self-inflict pain? (I think if God was here he’d tell me I was going insane)
I don’t do it, but I strongly consider Calling your contact, hearing the telephone dial Listening to it ring for what’s taking a while Letting disappointment take over my smile Crying in the laboratory like a confused child
Drinking my tinted-pink, happiness-filled vial And not even caring about what neurotransmitters I mess up Because I’m just trying to get over what remains of you I’m a girl in a lab coat with a career I love But it’s three in the morning I know nothing else to do
I no longer have you I know nothing else to do I spit out my sample With these coping mechanisms, I’m through
I clean up the chaos I open my eyes I do what I do best, I stand back and analyze But I can’t stop thinking about you gripping my thighs Except enough time has passed that I don’t get the butterflies I realize you were my absolute favourite thing to idolize The dismissive things you said, I made sure to memorize If I was to rely on you, I would quickly recognize
Swallowing a vial of joy wouldn’t contain memories of you All my good times in life, you had nothing with to do It was me that was there Not you
When I was truly happy It was me that was there Not you
And no matter how much time passes, I’ll remain grateful that we’re through When I was truly happy, It was me that was there
Anxious-avoidant attachment A comatose, ever-encompassing detachment This girl is officially a has-been A messy state of internal affairs When nobody in the world but you compares When I wanted what was mine, but you said you were theirs All the times you didn’t show up, I knew you were there Saturday evening, I’ve never been so scared
I’m moving like waves in the sea And all the world is crashing directly into me Strangers tell me they love my poetry It’s not as rosy as I sometimes make it out to be
The airfare is wavering thin You’re crawling all over my skin I try dancing, but my headache won’t let me spin I try drinking, I keep ordering lime & gin One love goes to sleep, another begins No, not for me He was my only prince I don’t want anyone to see me like this I don’t want your love if I have to convince You want to get married, you better put it in print But I found her belongings, trust me, I got the hint I’ve been searching for you in everyone else ever since
Out of all the people to know, you can depend on me the most I accept all the virus, I’m even pleased to be its host I am the amphetamine Queen, born and raised on the West Coast I spell out “I love you” on your cinnamon toast You look up at me You’re too blind to see The emptiness that has overtaken every part of me A bottom-feeder A failed transplant Organ harvesting on Michigan Avenue & Grant It hurts like hell I will prevail My visage is pale My words are sharp, but they soon go stale They mean so little I’m not really interested in anyone noncommittal My hands always shake, my frame is so brittle I looked so pretty in the blue gown at the hospital
I’m scared history will repeat itself I have your shot glass on my grey bookshelf The glass breaks over and over again The hollowness of it is really my only friend If this is the end, I want a boyfriend To bury me with the roses just so I can pretend
That I’m happy here No longer ruled by fear And eventually I’ll disintegrate, fade to black, and disappear Don’t come visit me Don’t bother telling me
That your love was feigned for my sobriety
I’ll tell the truth, I lied I drank every night I kept mint juleps & lemon drops right by my bedside Pink bubblegum My favourite sparkling gun You can’t be alone if you’re bathed by the sun Some people watch films, I make them in my head Every morning is a fresh start, so I always make the bed All the texts you sent me, I left unread When you said you couldn’t do it, I know what you meant You won’t be invited to the day I wed You’ll likely be drinking again, trapped in your mind instead You got what you wanted, you don’t have to confess Recovery is a palace but for you, it’s a stretch
I used to wake up vacant Now I’m filled with love I’m devoted and gentle like a little, white dove I want to drain somebody with the dust dreams are made of I want the kind of warmth you said I was unworthy of I know now that you were wrong I wrote you the sweetest song
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
I give it to her because her love, I can keep I give it to her because her love, I can keep
In my darkest times, there was no you and me I’d rather be alone if that’s the way things will be
