Fresh lint from the dryer My niece is crying Because a boy pulled a baby-pink ribbon straight from her hair & I told her, don’t worry He didn’t take anything real from you The most genuine things are More intangible than they seem
So now I’m at the laundromat Watching my lavender and velvet blanket dry Something too delicate of material to end up in this white, vacant space But I have already been charged For a thousand liar’s crimes Not my own, but it’s easy to take the blame When the minds of the reckoners aren’t something you can change
Love poem: Passenger door // grocery store [continued]
I used to dream about being held By someone so powerful That they could both start and end bar fights for me Think I was in my early twenties So my wildest visions Would make little sense to someone truly thinking of settling down You have to act your age In this kind of upscale town
Then you handed me a receipt Me, counting your naturally full lashes How strong they must be and if only Mine were too To resist my pulling them out When I both do and don’t have free time Which my mother would say is a crime But laugh with me thereafter Because true love doesn’t see you in black or in white Genuine love both does and does not fight
Love poem: Passenger door // grocery store [continued]
Your voice was alarming Because it began softening Every tense fibre locked and chained to itself within my body I warm my shivering shoulders with how hotly My breath is on evenings Like this one, in which I could not care less about who or what surrounds you and me They are just bodies And you are warm nectar That only the most tender of creatures know how to find
I showed up on time Your shift is almost over But I am too shy So, I take my bags Spill a few things, say it’s alright “You don’t have to help me” (Oh man, but I want you to) Pretend I have plans when you ask what I’m doing (I am such a poor liar, the truth practically stained on my teeth)
I want you to go sit in the driver’s seat Open the passenger door for me
The type of girl that you want to meet And to think that we met on the street And you watched me tag my website on the grey, electrical box in black sharpie and cursive For nobody to read, to not bother to glance And you laughed not at me, but with me Like we were on amphetamines Like you aren’t as traffic-stopping, rush-hour-madness gorgeous as you are How you framed a framework of genuine spirit And the spirits on your golden side table And the sweet drinks you made me because you store simple syrup Little bartender in a black top With hair like she just left the Manhattan salon With a smile like she’s been happy all along
I don’t think I ever mentioned it at all I was just Struck By the plants you have arranged on your glass windowsill The cotton, white, dreamlike, lush bedspread (I made your bed for you like a hundred times) I wanted to show you I can perform acts of service Because I clean when I get nervous
And my god, my dear god My god, did you make me nervous But not on purpose Some people exude a confidence that inspires the same thing in yourself But there’s still this nervous laughter of How is she so composed How is she hardly older than I, and so, so – Full of experience Full of delight Worth talking and laughing from dark to the morning light If this is fleeting, I can accept that But some people You want to know what lets them breathe And I’ve got your clothes, I’ll give them right back My New York damsel in sovereignty, too chill to be distressed I’ll have you at your worst; I’ve already seen you at your best
But I’ll have you at your worst; I’ve already seen you at your best
I hope that you’re happy I hope you wake up and fall in love with the world I hope your parents love you And if they don’t, I hope that in your head you tell them to go fuck themselves but keep them in your prayers every night You deserve Confetti streamers on your birthday Someone to travel on the train for 2.5 hours with 29 golden balloons to Surprise you with celebration
Something about you is so familiar Something about you is so new You looked at me with cocaine eyes when I grew solemn and blue But I wasn’t tired of you I was just tired- I was up all night! This girl’s got a bedtime And I slept well But it might be my insecurity, for I can’t tell
If I made the right impression God, I talked so much Why’d you make me feel so comfortable! Why did I have to enjoy your presence! Under the city street lights when I first glanced in your direction, I thought “my god, she probably has everything”
The first impression That you made It is one that may partially come from you, and a portion from the book you lent me Well, I’ll read it, and all that you highlighted – I love the little shades of blue hue I’ll learn your secrets I hope you’re living A life you dreamt of I hope to be Someone you’ll send a message to when you’re Stuck Not knowing what to wear, Bored and want to make me a drink, talk about the weather, don’t even have to think Want someone to make you laugh about everything Because I’m good at being that
My New Year’s resolution is to be accepting of myself So I can stop second-guessing whether others accept me And start living life as boldly and securely as you appear, you stunning avalanche of a porcelain doll
Think I’m starting to think This year is going to be new for me It’s only the seventh, and I’m on my pink bedspread in your cream white sweater Somehow we’re the same size Even though you’re smaller Porcelain and clover, golden and sapphire
And you like luxury the way I do And you don’t eat animals because you care And we’re the same age but wiser beyond our years Even though the boys would never tell us that our face
You’re awfully good at first impressions Is there anything that I forgot to mention? Shut up, don’t make fun of me for my apprehension
Make love to me under the twinkling lights Let me give you directions
Porcelain skin, long princess hair With plants on your windowsill Downtown Los Angeles, May earth baby girl of nonchalance & sheer observation
Because being alive is just enough for you Because being alive comes naturally to you And you told me, not once- but twice That you’re happy I’m here too New York baby doll You were a star in the fleeting night While you’re in your studio, I’ll be right here I’ll be right here The things you said to me They meant so much to me to hear
The plants arranged on your windowsill I can’t wait to tell you their genus and species Because I like biology And you like theories And your projector television screen illuminated a light upon your silhouette that made you look even more like a fever dream
In your cream sweater I feel much better
So call me if you ever want to chat about the weather
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A penchant for swimming in rivers too deep to be my abyss In fragile momentum, I find Apricots And shades of silver lightning Collapsing interwoven honeyed harmonies that indicate a linear adoration Cut like a crisp stone scattered in orchestration but ruined by damage That seeped up when I went to sleep and I found that to be the last drawback I sailed too fast I redact my last remark I kissed you too fast Didn’t know where to start So I plunged so far ahead of time I thought I almost lost you but In your pink cashmere sweater you said I was better Than all the last ones combined And I laughed Softly Globally Hopefully
Alone in the car, I stared at the floor The bitter horror found me gazing at whatever was familiar I took the cobblestone and I built a new throne But it felt so empty sitting there all alone You know the name of every anatomical bone And your collarbone is like morning ballet on a fresh Sunday, holding white roses for performers Putting your arm around me Chemicals of amphetamine Pink cashmere daydream
Holier than heavy black tar That we cleaned like available vacuums at a self car wash Dispensable Agreeable A comfort to the chaos A detachment so surreal You kept moving my long blonde hair because it covered my eyes And that Bothered you Slightly I’m too shy to figure out why I wouldn’t dare say you wanted to See me In the wild Winter storms for cars that have poor engines Screwed up transmission To be by your side at a fireplace That’s Sunday for the moon to bear witness That Sunday when we drank tea and Truly engaged, we Smiled for long periods of time As the world passed us by,
I looked across the field and I saw what you meant about how the haze seems so foggy So transgressed You find clouded cataracts in vast open skies You find evening channels on the television Your visor doesn’t fit you My baseball caps need to be adjusted We split caramel lollipops into two and talk about all the things we’re planning to do I believe in you I truly believe in you
The gas station where your face becomes rosy-pink because I paid you a compliment Or three You’re blushing It’s charming And yet so disarming Because I’m just a girl and I don’t know what I’m doing And you So self-assured So on path, so on-course Layered within your default settings of adjustment tendencies I’m small So small Like a stone In water Always underwater Always plunging down Always in sheer phosphorescent shadows of blue And I make my way to you And you tell me to go pay the cashier I read your last name on your credit card Not once But twice
I make my way Back to the station wagon with your favourite chips And Mountain Dew Good with navigation Reads maps for the sheer delight of it The fruits of our labor Rear mirror directed towards you for you to put light pink lip gloss on Like a Princess Like a fairy tale Like diamonds Like matcha green tea lattes that you pay for out of sheer hospitality Because you’re older
Because you’re older Getting rosy-pink cheeks I said you were sweet You’re playing the song I have a tattoo of on my thigh on repeat Because you’re so sweet Because you’re older Because your cheeks are rosy-pink
Can’t miss a single second I try not to blink Don’t want to miss a single thing I try not to blink
Because you’re older Because you’re so sweet Because your cheeks are rosy-pink
Live in modest obscurity Classic California beach living Sunglasses, shades, Maseratis, fast cars, soda pop A life that has been glamorized Or so I had hypothesized He wouldn’t even be reading in between my lines Too busy thinking about himself all the time
Perhaps a few motels overlooking the coast Empty parking lots Paint a vision for yourself Soft ice cream in all good health Said you were sober, had liquor on the top shelf Honey, I thought you loved yourself
Ladies, you know me for my diamonds I’ll show you everything sparkly that’s designer That girl you once knew, you’re right behind her To enjoy the high life without mascara on To come to rise with the evening sun To know how to really know someone Stay omnipresent – hot, wild, and young Like every morning, a new life has just begun Dark spaces for dark traces of ice-cold skeletons Bones only fit like fragments Do what you’re told Let your dream love life in front of you start to unfold
Everything in the right order Everything in the right order Everything all the same Everything all the same
Lying between last quarter and new moon I figured when we’d talk, we would be with each other soon There are words on my body, on yours – video game cartoons You never meant to express how little I meant to you
I started noticing in conversation When the focus was on us, you lacked elation I quit my work for you, I gave up waiting I became so exhausted not living, but waiting I tried to show you I was patient You hate yourself like you’re tainted Letting of go of the dream that one day you and I would make it
Now I’m in the doorway, sort of half-naked I’m alone, but I’m tranquil, and nothing you do will change it
I’m alone but I’m tranquil Nothing you do will change it
I’m a very kind and gracious girl If you let me, I will give you the world But as the brutality of this world continues to unfold My mirror’s edge is veiled, my patience can’t be sold
Give me your garden Make everything quiet I swear I’m prettiest when I’m not lying I won’t give up hoping, I won’t stop trying But it would be a piece of fiction to say I don’t dream of dying
You’re laughing at me My blonde hair blows in the breeze I will prevail, even though they’re dead-set on bringing long-lasting harm to me I see through the trees When I run, you freeze Collapsing in child’s fables isn’t only for the weak Take me with you I want to know what God knows Don’t be scared of the nighttime In the darkest hours, I’m most composed
The more you grow up, the smarter you think you are But in the same circumstances, you always lose yourself I collect hard-cover books of flowers & death spells I know all the wonderful roses by their first and last names I play with my sanity like it’s my favourite win-or-lose game You were always so harsh But me? Oh, so tame Didn’t know how to respond to all the accusations and shame I hate you, I love you It all sounded the same
I’ve decided to take my most loved photo of us down from my shelf I thought it proved we were real The space between you and myself But my mitral valve is still broken, so I can’t afford to inconvenience oneself Though our smiles were true You said it yourself Never seen a girl look at you so warm and heartfelt It hurts now But it didn’t back then Those split seconds repeat in my mind, again and again You were my prince, my most handsome immunogen You said I stunned in my floral dress Dainty and parisienne
I know this frail body wasn’t exactly built to please I’m a young girl too – I have restraint, but I have needs My singleness of purpose is far too remote I tend to break up with boys by posting poems I wrote When I was at my most fragile, I asked you for a rose Your promises were painful because I never got those
But your perseverance to love me will be your best power I stay up wondering how to please you I only sleep a few hours Me at my most tired is me at my most sour How much more beautiful do I need to be, in order to receive a white flower? I’m sort of like a princess stuck at the crown of a tower My father’s hung flyers for the peasants and princes to form a line Some of them have courage Some barely have a spine The common denominator seems to be they’re all trying But if you said it’s to impress me, I’d say that you’re lying
Several days ago, I bought roses To make myself smile I didn’t change the water Just like me, they’re dying
Winters in Chicago were when I felt my most free The wind chill was so strong, I felt it belonged to me It didn’t matter that it was a lake, I still saw it as the sea All I remember are evenings at Argo Tea Feeling happy, just to be me
You must have composure, you must be determined I’m taking care of myself, I’m doing it on purpose The December chill confronts me with things I am sure of Like how spontaneously great heights can collapse Like how the disillusioned are most likely to relapse Like how I felt, true love was almost in my grasp
But as the fog on my window, it visited and then passed It disappeared just like that I’m trying not to react
I’m screaming into my pillow (I’m trying not to react) I’m folding laundry to feel productive (I’m scared of whom I’ll attract) I lied to everybody & said I was fine (I was so scared the whole time) I’m taking every analeptic (I write your name, strike it out with a line)
I picture me in your backyard, Picking grapes off the vine I cried the whole way home, driving past the coastline I thought I didn’t deserve beauty, God doesn’t want me on cloud nine So I hit up your number, Forgot you were atropine And now I’m having trouble sleeping because you aren’t my lifeline I tell you I need you! You say, maybe next time “I’ve got a girl here, she’s helping me escape my mind”
To some people, I’m gorgeous To you, I’m saccharine But everything I am, you will always undermine I’m not your chosen one Never your valentine
I’m the one that treads water Looking for reasons to be alive
If you were safety, you wouldn’t give me your hand You’d sail towards what suits you The palm trees, the sand
I would get tired Give up and drown You wouldn’t say sorry, because you wouldn’t be around
The water obscures my hearing The green-blue current is the only sound I wanted to be loved, the void was what I found But the ocean is my new bliss, so I fade into the background I’m five again, I’ve found my new playground
I would get tired Give up and drown You wouldn’t say sorry, you wouldn’t be around I’m five again, I’ve found my new playground The sea has become my chosen burial ground The green-blue current is the only sound
The void is what I felt, but true love is what I found
