Poem: Anxious-avoidant attachment

Poem: Anxious-avoidant attachment

Anxious-avoidant attachment
A comatose, ever-encompassing detachment
This girl is officially a has-been
A messy state of internal affairs
When nobody in the world but you compares
When I wanted what was mine, but you said you were theirs
All the times you didn’t show up, I knew you were there
Saturday evening, I’ve never been so scared

I’m moving like waves in the sea
And all the world is crashing directly into me
Strangers tell me they love my poetry
It’s not as rosy as I sometimes make it out to be

The airfare is wavering thin
You’re crawling all over my skin
I try dancing, but my headache won’t let me spin
I try drinking, I keep ordering lime & gin
One love goes to sleep, another begins
No, not for me
He was my only prince
I don’t want anyone to see me like this
I don’t want your love if I have to convince
You want to get married, you better put it in print
But I found her belongings, trust me, I got the hint
I’ve been searching for you in everyone else ever since

Out of all the people to know, you can depend on me the most
I accept all the virus, I’m even pleased to be its host
I am the amphetamine Queen, born and raised on the West Coast
I spell out “I love you” on your cinnamon toast
You look up at me
You’re too blind to see
The emptiness that has overtaken every part of me
A bottom-feeder
A failed transplant
Organ harvesting on Michigan Avenue & Grant
It hurts like hell
I will prevail
My visage is pale
My words are sharp, but they soon go stale
They mean so little
I’m not really interested in anyone noncommittal
My hands always shake, my frame is so brittle
I looked so pretty in the blue gown at the hospital

I’m scared history will repeat itself
I have your shot glass on my grey bookshelf
The glass breaks over and over again
The hollowness of it is really my only friend
If this is the end, I want a boyfriend
To bury me with the roses just so I can pretend

That I’m happy here
No longer ruled by fear
And eventually I’ll disintegrate, fade to black, and disappear
Don’t come visit me
Don’t bother telling me

That your love was feigned for my sobriety

I’ll tell the truth, I lied
I drank every night
I kept mint juleps & lemon drops right by my bedside
Pink bubblegum
My favourite sparkling gun
You can’t be alone if you’re bathed by the sun
Some people watch films, I make them in my head
Every morning is a fresh start, so I always make the bed
All the texts you sent me, I left unread
When you said you couldn’t do it, I know what you meant
You won’t be invited to the day I wed
You’ll likely be drinking again, trapped in your mind instead
You got what you wanted, you don’t have to confess
Recovery is a palace but for you, it’s a stretch

I used to wake up vacant
Now I’m filled with love
I’m devoted and gentle like a little, white dove
I want to drain somebody with the dust dreams are made of
I want the kind of warmth you said I was unworthy of
I know now that you were wrong
I wrote you the sweetest song

And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep

I give it to her because her love, I can keep
I give it to her because her love, I can keep

In my darkest times, there was no you and me
I’d rather be alone if that’s the way things will be

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