I’m going to write a short poem for you Because your attention span in regard to me is dim, like my light Like species survival in the afternoons by the Caribbean seas Like a sunset that I swallowed because I was hungry and cold How you lit me a half-broken cigarette, said I was engaging and bold You shined your white teeth and like heaven I was sold
I took a section of your brain to look for “Fos” proteins to see which neurons were active And I saw a glimpse of you and me on the playground You were wearing blue jeans Grass stains and all I was wearing a pink gown like I was dressed for the ball We were talking about being together and having it all The wind blew I got cold You cradled me like a baby Asked me to move in with you, I said screw you, maybe I was so happy I gleamed Loyal like a preteen So high on amphetamines You kissed me on Seafoam boulevard, amongst the serene By the ocean, strawberry cream lotion Patches of snow, circles of rainfall I’m in love with how you’re seventy-four inches tall You call me graceful, for I’m patient and small Call me once, just one phone call
Arachnoid hematomas So thin you could see through my veins Put me on the back of your bike, make me hold you real tight Heaven shines in my eyes, it’s fluorescent and bright White cerebral wave light The stars and the apocalyptic tides The places where my sensitivities hide
In your harsh but kind gaze I reside, and I don’t know why, I don’t know why
I wanted to write you a short poem Because I can’t forget how much you mean to me So I put words together, loosely, and tied them with a silver string I asked you to light me up in the dark But your attention span in regard to me is dim Like my light
Respect My angel baby, my love for you Your honeycomb, bittersweet elegance Pink nail polish on the highest shelf With you, I’m my best self Rest assured I’m in good health All for the commonwealth I have a thousand secrets I’m refusing to tell But if you captivate me enough, entrance me into a maybe, lure me into your consensual cave where we can reminisce about our funniest, most awful, of heartbreaks For the moment’s sake I’m crystal-made I’m dissolving in tangents made up from aptitude I’m L-Dopa converting to dopamine Transfusing to you my sweet nectar of the gods (hey, I love how that collar looks on you) Hey, I love how that sweater looks on you And if I wore one just like it Interlaced your arm with mine Would we be simply divine? Would we look intertwined? Would your heart, at the end of the night, be mine?
I’m silly I’m running away from you In the whitest of the white lace and tulle A skirt so pretty it makes boys hurt I’m not a pacifist, I’m quite the ignorant jerk I repel people like diamonds in tunnel vision I’m sparkly and iridescent, but they say I’m pitch black They don’t know me like that Don’t know I can be precious Don’t know I can be sweet Hot and heavy, sharp on my feet Lose myself in the summer heat I find myself when I choose not to cheat I’m nobody’s mistake but my own Crescent moon devour me still Hold me until I’m candlelit On fire, rupture, rapture, hold me, capture I’m quite the disaster But if you were to look away…
You’d never I’d beg you Surrender your hopes and dreams to my castle of what could’ve been and what was once was that is no more I found you in a cave, you were mine, I found you! You didn’t behave on your own! You had to be tamed! Was it foolish of me to pick up where we left off? You glanced at me, took a sip of whiskey and scoffed I don’t like how you look with that cup in your hand I’d rather find you at the DMV, Tolstoy’s narrative in your hand You’re so good at being grand And when I’ll be queen I’ll demand To share this bittersweet, homely, wholehearted world with you Never shelter you Always unsettle you Make you divide by two Alongside me in front of Lake Michigan, that’s a dream too sweet for me to save in my neural space You always said I had the most perfect, soft face But you couldn’t keep up with my vapid pace
I’ll outrun you in marathons, I’ll sprint past you in daydreams I went to five stores to find a wedding dress that I ended up being unhappy with So we canceled our plans Were unsure of where we could stand See each other in impure reality or dissolve into volatile pieces of sand I’ll take you by the hand Push you into the ocean, make you suffer some more Until you’re practically begging me to take you to shore But I’m not done yet, I haven’t even gotten to the gore When you were in love with me, you were pure When you were in love with me, you were pure When you were in love with me, you were pure When you were in love with me, you were pure
Fly me to Paris, I’ll take you on a tour Of the rose gardens, I wanted to become your bride in Of wife and of man I’m laying in the sand Drew a heart in the dirt, cobblestone made me hurt You wouldn’t say a word
When you were in love with me, you were pure When you were in love with me, you were pure When you were in love with me, you were pure When you were in love with me, you were pure
Now nothing I wear makes me pretty I’m shaking, trembling, and fidgety This is what the anxiety does to me
You were Stained black and I couldn’t Differentiate up from down You closed in on me like atmospheric surround sound And when you asked what I wanted to do, I didn’t lie, I said I wish I would drown
You used to tell me I was prettiest in the bathtub.
Cocaine kisses, send me off the edge into the abstract obscurity of my conception of time, space, life, youth, vigor, hate, and sour green apples
Cradle me I’m an angel Lying in a soft heaven encapsulated by aquamarine lullabies and the cries of a thousand little shadows So hazy Pretty baby Little lady Spiraling in clusters of neural cell bodies that extend axons down to their terminal buttons I recognized her voice coming from outside my window But she wasn’t talking to me She wasn’t talking to me
Tiny clusters of dazzling diamonds What, in your life, is priceless? Conceptually? Sensually? Horizontally? I am a nicotinic receptor, please don’t bother me while I’m at work It’s a little complicated, but I’m going to keep on going It’s all I need to do – be brave, be strong, endure, go on Lying on my pink plush bed staring at the ceiling fan Circling and circling and circling and circling Enzymes and substrates and catecholamines I do my best work when I can’t be seen
Starships and amphetamines
God, I love your energy It soothes me Invigorates me Calms me Quiets me Loves me
Cocaine causes your brain to sit in a bath of dopamine I like to pour lavender-infused Epsom salts into the warm water and add bubbles because I’m a child at heart And I’m trying to hold on and not break my own heart But it’s hard It’s so hard I don’t know where to start
And you’re so far
You’re so far (we could have been as deep as the oceans) And I think I’m okay The mental image that I’ve created of you is slowly fading, and I’m returning to the reality, the vacancy Encouraging normalcy Doing pirouettes in my living room to French classical music Tranquil lullabies Cheap thrills Hundred dollar bills Poison in your pocket for the next martyr you’ll kill
Sit down at your desk, put your chin to your chest Stretch your neck Give feedback to the people you like in your life Tell them how you’re doing Ask them how they are I’m overdosing in the bathtub from all this dreamy black tar I’m racing a stranger 120 miles per hour in my fucked up classic car They’ll say, she could’ve been a star
I don’t want to write all of these really dark things It’s just what the anhedonia and isolation brings I want to be with the daffodils I want to cry from laughter I want to bear children I want to be graceful & filled with poise But the things that bother me are making so much noise
Glendale Blvd and Union Ave I read a nice greeting card and thought of you But you didn’t like my personalized gift It took weeks to produce I’m wandering through the aisles of the grocery store picking up fruit Putting it in my basket to look like I embrace my womanhood Like my mother thinks I should
Alameda avenue I’ll walk all over you Two cigarettes in my hand as I’m walking to Grand I want to observe the skyscrapers at night The people that work late The buildings that keep their lights on Sometimes the poems I write for you, I sing like a song I get to thinking that I wish we could just get along I wish we could just get along
Hoping the rain comes soon so it can hold me How come when you found out you never told me I look like I’m texting, but I’m really writing a prologue To a film I want to make in a silver-blue nightgown Baby, how do I make that sound
I want to be beautiful in their eyes But when I’m not, it’s no surprise I sometimes wonder if I’d prefer the lies I’d reach out and touch them through their disguise
Come down to downtown with me to find the daffodils Understand that I’m an addict when I take my pills Honey, I’m just trying Honey, I’m just trying Honey
I saw the skinniest girls at the pool today They were all bone, with graceful flat stomachs I started to hate myself again And I considered if Maybe I was going too far Maybe they have scars to hide too But I traced their gentle bodies with my disturbing eyes And I couldn’t find a somber disguise Or any evidence that they hate themselves too
Maybe I didn’t look deep enough What’s on the surface conceals what’s underneath
I toss and turn wildly in my bedsheets And maybe the spaces of my ribs and the lights in-between No longer shine, no longer gleam I look dirty even when I’m entirely clean I try to smile, but I can’t hold back that I’m so, so mean
They splashed each other while in the water I knew if I smiled I’d only bother But maybe they were growing sick of each other At that point, I’d be a newfound lover But when it rains it decays what’s left of me I only feel blissful when I’m swimming in the sea (I feel like it’s a part of me) I am opalescent in matters of blue Your favourite shades of Hunter green Writing poetry with a ruptured spleen I miss being a fragile and innocent young teen Didn’t stop you from touching me
Didn’t stop you from touching me You claimed that you were teaching me But my skin turned dark like you were leaching me I’d have the strongest, most bizarre of nightmares Wake up sweating, alone, and scared A modest, timid girl Too small to be bared You dragged my body up the crystallized stairs
What’s on the surface conceals what’s underneath When the gun started firing, the bed I hid beneath Is it always as rosy as the daydream makes it seem? My God, being dead sounds so fucking serene
