Poem: Wedding dress

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Poem: Wedding dress

Venom under relapse
I had nothing more to say when you turned away
I like it here in my baby pink clandestine cave
Nothing to eat me away, sharp fumes
Fiber optics, flesh under a microscope
Baby voices & sketches of solid diameter

Box hair-dye doesn’t quite get the colour right
But God knows I keep on trying
I don’t often think about it, but I’m so afraid I won’t get what I want
That might be what’s best, after all
If an admissions team reads my name right
That might be the very first time
That might be what’s best, after all

A long Victorian sundress for sitting by the pool
I think it’s meant to be this way that I often feel misunderstood
I no longer try to say the right things
But then, I find I’m not saying anything
At all
At all
To anyone at all

I remember when I found those pretty songs
That I’d listen to along my drive to and back from university
Had this feeling like something was going on
So I wrapped myself up in the most beautiful love songs
Taking me to a
Place
I didn’t occupy
No, not that night
For that long drive
Wrapped up tight
White crystals shredded into fine crisps
Daisies in my long blonde hair

In another life, you could call me up, tell me you’re happy for me too
Like I am happy for you
Relieved for you
Green dress, she wore a green dress
Had the ceremony of her dreams

Fairy tale, matchmaker – let go of you so you could find your way to her
In another life, I’ll evade this charcoal castle
Won’t ride a horse because I care for animals of all kinds
Won’t check the mailbox, I know no one would write
I’m ink that bleeds through
Covers your wrists like a car’s headlights
Sews your eyes shut so that you could sleep
Comfortably, finally, elusively

I know what’s appropriate
That is- me, driving to the prettiest love songs
If the admissions team doesn’t pronounce my name right
That’s perfectly fine

You belong where you belong, in the end
Hate every single second
They’ll miss you so much back home

Wishing to see snow
Wishing to see snow
Wishing to see snow
Wishing to see snow

Wrapped up tight
White crystals shredded into fine crisps
Daisies in my long blonde hair

Had the ceremony of her dreams
On white amphetamines

A love poem about finding out a former boyfriend got married.

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Love poem for him: earthquake

Love poem for him: earthquake

You know I stopped myself before I could love you
But
We broke apart
And I can’t help but stare
At your blank, sad face
And the only thing sad about it
Is that you’re not afraid to let me go
You’re not afraid to let

I tried to wake up
But I’m always on the wrong side of the bed
We never got to have that night in the hotel
We never got to have that heavenly first dance
The first and the last pages don’t make me too sad
It’s the way the world turns
Your fingers latched on
Not very tight
Like a blouse that’s unloosened
A foggy memory that never becomes clear

I’m trying to relive the skyscrapers and unraveling chaos
Though all that comes to mind in abstract vision and delusion,
Is you screaming in my direction
Telling me to stop
Telling me to stop
Telling me to stop

What makes you so afraid
To show love to an unloved person
The way you play guitar
It makes me so sad
It makes me so sad
Not for anything do you feel bad
Like grey, fallen embers on a cold winter night
Even though you’d say you’d never
Be there for me
Your sovereignty
Your power

And I remember you
Telling me to stop
Telling me to stop
Telling me to
Telling me to stop

Feeling the things that only I do
The distance that separates me from jagged, carbon you
In ocean waves, we grasp at what feels familiar
What’s underneath us will quench our thirst
Yours, preferably
Mine, isn’t regarded
Unless it’s four in the afternoon & the sun is piercing your nerves
Telling you that these antics are your last fatal curse
I’m far removed
To tell you the truth
I do only the things the boldest among us do

I don’t wait until there’s nothing left to take
In the distance between your brown eyes
And these soft, fallen embers of Victorian blue
Crawl back
Crawl back
Panic attack
Mesh and in pieces
Forgive me for grieving

All ends in love, and love has its reasons
Come find me
Come find me
Come find me
Come find me

It’s so unnerving
Like an earthquake on purpose
It’s so delectable
Like you’ve lost your ability to reason

I’m always portrayed as the one who leaves the throne
Gown is disheveled, porcelain skin intact
Like an earthquake on purpose
Telling me to stop

Feeling the things that only I do
What has become of rage has given its way to you

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Free verse poem: Belongings

Free verse poem: Belongings

This is a free verse poem about attachment and detachment – defeat on behalf of simplicity’s sake.

I didn’t expect myself to still feel like this
And my mother laughs because it’s only been a few days
But I feel like it’s dragging on
It’s dragging on
And we didn’t even come to the conclusion of what would become our song
So what am I here to do
Sitting in the corner of the modern, moss-green, vibrantly street-lit café,
A damsel in despondency,
A variation of your favourite four-course strings
A broken-down parlor path with a shiny diamond entryway and glass slippers lining the blizzard-sinking ships,
That match my cruelty
My taste for rabid tongue
The whispers I wouldn’t let you utter
And the hesitation you’d be lucky to never have suffered

Portrait of Princess Tatyana Yusupova (1850) by Franz Xaver Winterhalter, oil on canvas

A chance for melancholia to clash with the force of nature
To detract from a foreign film
A lost, aching still
An avalanche of surprise
Beguiled by sheer imagination and phosphorescent icing

That smothers a kingdom like the holiest ghost
Always bittersweet to the liking
Made for sharp, pristine vengeance

Sans Titre (Untitled) 115 by Eliane L. Guerin, oil on canvas

In my own reserved portrait of solitude
Gazing vibrantly at the majestic cars that drive by
The classics, the tragic
The ancient and recumbent
Reoccurring in stunning ways I could not even think to properly illuminate in due time
Typing
Silently
Wishing you were next to me
Smiling
The way you do
The way you do
So magnificent
Eyes glimmering in concave and crimson, blue
God, I was this close to being obsessed with you

I feel like
A teenager
An angry one
A bitter fool
Mad at myself because I brushed away the
The fleeting thoughts of nah, he won’t like me if I say that
Nah, he won’t like me if I wear that
Nah

The Bath (1874) by Alfred Emile Leopold Stevens, oil on canvas

I’m moving in circles because I forgot how to dance
I forgot how to feel alive
I trip over my own words
Everything is in disarray
I thought you were going
I thought you were going
I thought you were going to make it work
I thought you were
I thought you were
I thought you were going to make it work with me
I thought you were
I so thought you would have
Made it work with me
And that would be
Meaningful
Hopeful
Spontaneously planned
Crimson and clover all over
Soft rubber bands

Now you’ve got me in a pit and you
Hung up on me
I threw my cellular device on the street
I don’t want to talk to anybody
Anybody at all
Anybody at all
Anybody at all
Anybody at all

I’m not writing another poem about a boy that doesn’t have the strength to come
Tell me it’s not working
Stand there in your clandestine flesh
Stand there, giving me a real piece of yourself
Look at me with dandelions in my hair

Mending the Gown (early 20th century) by Adolphe Borie (1877-1934), oil on canvas, figurative artwork

Don’t say I’m too charming for you
Tell me I’m too alarming for you
Tell me I scare the living daylights out of you

And you’ve got other girls calling you
Answer the phone in front of me
Take the flowers out of my hair
Push me down on the tar-stained sidewalk
Bully me like you do on your bad days
Get your way

That’s how I want you to leave me

Not like
Not like
Not like
Not like
Not like
Not like
Not like
Not like

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is Open-Air-Interior-barcelona-1892-Ramon-Casas-i-Carbo.jpg
Open Air Interior Barcelona (1892) by Ramon Casos i Carbo, oil on canvas

Worn desperation
Mixing in fevers of separation

But I thought I
Belonged

Thank you for reading, & be sure to visit paypal.me/LilacDoveCA to buy me a coffee for my birthday on September 14, 2022.

Thank you for your support – currently working on the cocktail party poetry collection.

xoxo

Poem: Bleed out (coughing)

Poem: Bleed out (coughing)

Anything you say
Anything you say
I promise you can have it all
I promise you can have it all
I’m tiny, I’m so small
I’m amber coated in blue
I’m feeling heavy because the tar is so thick
I feel like I’m running out of whatever makes me tick
I’m coughing up my lungs because you make me so sick
I don’t want to be in love, I don’t want to feel like this
I want you in my arms, you’re all I think of
I saved all the skies for you to make you feel loved
How many more winters do I have to be ashamed of

You’re stuck in my brain and the clips rewind
The pieces and fragments of my crispy and broken, fragile spine
It’s all coming together, you were lying the whole time
But was giving all of myself to you a complete waste of time?

You’re stuck in my head, you’re daylight and amethyst
I don’t want to be in love, I don’t want to feel like this
What I imagined was you and me immersed in honeycomb bliss
I swear to God I thought you were the reason I exist

When you would drive so fast
You scared the life out of me, but I wanted it to last
I never felt safe, and I kind of loved that
In a way it comforted me, but that was in the past

When everything I would write would sound like a love song
When I knew you’d never call, but I’d stay up all night long
I wasn’t even waiting
4 a.m. and I’m pacing
Trying to be patient
You were who I placed faith in
Nothing was changing

I come real close to giving up
You’re all I think of
I bathe and soak in love
You’re all I think of

I bathe in and bleed out love
You’re all I think of

You’re all I think of

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Poem: Soft times

Poem: Soft times

I threw a cigarette down on the ground while it was still lit and burned my foot
I thought about when we sat on the bench, and you held me tight by my livelihood
The frame of reference from me to you was always that you were misunderstood
But I never thought about it like that
I never thought about it like that
And I can’t tell whether I want you to come back
I can’t tell whether I want you to come back
The way I’d submit to you, I always felt so attacked
Wished you would pay attention to my words, wanted you to be keeping track
My nerves would pile up- going haywire, getting hijacked
I can say “I love you” then keep myself from getting sidetracked
I can’t seem to fall asleep without reminiscent, beautiful flashbacks

Soft times
Soft times

I think I make them up in my mind
I know for sure you’re leaving me behind
Think it’s good for me at the same time
I press play; you hit rewind

The vision’s always there
You – unaware
Me – trying not to stare
The sunshine’s oblivious glare

The vision’s always there
You, always unaware
Me – feeling so damn scared
Won’t speak up, wouldn’t dare

I can’t seem to fall asleep
You’re in my veins, you’re troubling me
You wouldn’t come sit with me by the crashing sea
Failure to disappear is choking me for eternity
I thought things would improve if I looked more pretty
I tried to speak quieter, say my sentiments softly
I still haven’t realized it has little to do with me

I wish I could erase
Your contemplative face
Your light tan shade of summer’s warmth
I’m taking all the pills
Never feeling thrills
Because the void is haunting me, haunting me still

I can’t change until
My body gets so ill
That I throw up any shadow that reminds me of you
I’m a small girl
I’m losing hope
If you were me, what would you do?

If you were me, what would you do?

You, always unaware
Me – feeling so damn scared
There’s nothing
There’s nothing
But empty space

This life has yet to swallow you

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