There, concrete bridge Throwing up like a landmine Shocked to the brim Might let you in
You—there for “support” Always following me Wherever I turn up Scared for me Budget B-movies Film star queen The things in-between Get me out of this serene dream
Poem: 77 in [continued]
Them, rotten toys Making all of this devouring noise Unedited, spherical bends of water Shriveling cold beats Turn up the heat To do away with, that’s a fact Or a vision—to destroy Our friends we’ll employ If we have any left by then
You, not forgotten in the least Leather jacket, cold-hearted beast Pockets so deep I put my hand inside And I leave it inside It’s comfort I find Ask how many inches tall you are No matter the answer, it’s still up far But with my hand in your pocket, I smile That little girl smile, you know It’s comfort I find, you know
Fresh lint from the dryer My niece is crying Because a boy pulled a baby-pink ribbon straight from her hair & I told her, don’t worry He didn’t take anything real from you The most genuine things are More intangible than they seem
So now I’m at the laundromat Watching my lavender and velvet blanket dry Something too delicate of material to end up in this white, vacant space But I have already been charged For a thousand liar’s crimes Not my own, but it’s easy to take the blame When the minds of the reckoners aren’t something you can change
Love poem: Passenger door // grocery store [continued]
I used to dream about being held By someone so powerful That they could both start and end bar fights for me Think I was in my early twenties So my wildest visions Would make little sense to someone truly thinking of settling down You have to act your age In this kind of upscale town
Then you handed me a receipt Me, counting your naturally full lashes How strong they must be and if only Mine were too To resist my pulling them out When I both do and don’t have free time Which my mother would say is a crime But laugh with me thereafter Because true love doesn’t see you in black or in white Genuine love both does and does not fight
Love poem: Passenger door // grocery store [continued]
Your voice was alarming Because it began softening Every tense fibre locked and chained to itself within my body I warm my shivering shoulders with how hotly My breath is on evenings Like this one, in which I could not care less about who or what surrounds you and me They are just bodies And you are warm nectar That only the most tender of creatures know how to find
I showed up on time Your shift is almost over But I am too shy So, I take my bags Spill a few things, say it’s alright “You don’t have to help me” (Oh man, but I want you to) Pretend I have plans when you ask what I’m doing (I am such a poor liar, the truth practically stained on my teeth)
I want you to go sit in the driver’s seat Open the passenger door for me
I want him to love me for my bad reputation Lilacs and daisies, And we don’t even have to have those kinds of conversations. Like who do you think you are all the time misbehaving? But I’m just a little doll in a lace dress, Can’t you see how much joy I’ve been faking?
My garden is so pretty My kitchen is pristine New tiles on the bathroom floor to feel Victorian, And I know that my cursive is quite Gregorian. You vomit all over my love letters because it’s too much for you. And maybe that’s why we’re not so–
Made for each other, Perfect synchronous lovers. I’m embarrassed to say I think about it every day. Do you think you want more from me? I’m already overflowing- a coffee cup that forms bubbles and bleeds I want you to buy me flowers most of all And I worry this is the only thing I ever think about And do I worry that I’m not enough for you?
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
All the opposite, Your grey hairs in such ethereal hues I think I’m way too much for you. A silver plate and French dessert, picking off the residue, I swear, in another lifetime, I was also deeply in love with you
But I am a crazy girl, I am truly wild. Everywhere that I go, they collect some kind of files They say the weirdest things about me, and it’s never made sense. I wanted to be the most trustworthy person, But I’m not very good at making friends.
And this makes me sad. And I want you to help me not feel bad. But if that’s too much for you, Then that makes my suspicions true.
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
I am so used to being too much, But never enough Never enough. I am so used to being far too much, But never enough Never enough.
My hair is gently tied with a beautiful pink ribbon He thinks that I did things that I didn’t. I’ve always wanted to be someone that people could trust But if I cleaned a window, He would still just see arachnids and dust
And that was a bad line; I’m not a very good poet. It’s one of my insecurities, Though I hope I don’t show it. But this is a mess, The fabric between our asymmetrical beds. I don’t even know where I feel the best laying my head. I have duvet covers in different area codes and these apartments that don’t even belong to me But I wanna belong to somebody And I want them to take care of me. And I want them to not be so scared of me.
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
So now I’m crying on the freeway, writing this using voice-to-text And I think I’m beautiful, but well aware that he’ll forget And I wanna be taken care of properly, like my dad would admire And I want to be given flowers, like my mother would appreciate
But I am the common denominator, The problem at hand. And I just want somebody who can understand That I wanna be trustworthy to the point where you believe I didn’t do it So, if I set this place on fire, Are you gonna give me a hard time about it? Or try your best to see me get through it
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
Watch me Dancing Laughing Crying Soaking Rainfall Open Windshield Broken I fell in love with you three times I sat and sobbed in the shower, thirty-nine
Or are you going to laugh with me? Because it is inherently funny That we carved this life together
I’m aware I appear as a rotten tomato that ruins the rest of the vine, But someday someone will trust that I’m good on the inside
Anything you say Anything you say I promise you can have it all I promise you can have it all I’m tiny, I’m so small I’m amber coated in blue I’m feeling heavy because the tar is so thick I feel like I’m running out of whatever makes me tick I’m coughing up my lungs because you make me so sick I don’t want to be in love, I don’t want to feel like this I want you in my arms, you’re all I think of I saved all the skies for you to make you feel loved How many more winters do I have to be ashamed of
You’re stuck in my brain and the clips rewind The pieces and fragments of my crispy and broken, fragile spine It’s all coming together, you were lying the whole time But was giving all of myself to you a complete waste of time?
You’re stuck in my head, you’re daylight and amethyst I don’t want to be in love, I don’t want to feel like this What I imagined was you and me immersed in honeycomb bliss I swear to God I thought you were the reason I exist
When you would drive so fast You scared the life out of me, but I wanted it to last I never felt safe, and I kind of loved that In a way it comforted me, but that was in the past
When everything I would write would sound like a love song When I knew you’d never call, but I’d stay up all night long I wasn’t even waiting 4 a.m. and I’m pacing Trying to be patient You were who I placed faith in Nothing was changing
I come real close to giving up You’re all I think of I bathe and soak in love You’re all I think of
I bathe in and bleed out love You’re all I think of
I threw a cigarette down on the ground while it was still lit and burned my foot I thought about when we sat on the bench, and you held me tight by my livelihood The frame of reference from me to you was always that you were misunderstood But I never thought about it like that I never thought about it like that And I can’t tell whether I want you to come back I can’t tell whether I want you to come back The way I’d submit to you, I always felt so attacked Wished you would pay attention to my words, wanted you to be keeping track My nerves would pile up- going haywire, getting hijacked I can say “I love you” then keep myself from getting sidetracked I can’t seem to fall asleep without reminiscent, beautiful flashbacks
Soft times Soft times
I think I make them up in my mind I know for sure you’re leaving me behind Think it’s good for me at the same time I press play; you hit rewind
The vision’s always there You – unaware Me – trying not to stare The sunshine’s oblivious glare
The vision’s always there You, always unaware Me – feeling so damn scared Won’t speak up, wouldn’t dare
I can’t seem to fall asleep You’re in my veins, you’re troubling me You wouldn’t come sit with me by the crashing sea Failure to disappear is choking me for eternity I thought things would improve if I looked more pretty I tried to speak quieter, say my sentiments softly I still haven’t realized it has little to do with me
I wish I could erase Your contemplative face Your light tan shade of summer’s warmth I’m taking all the pills Never feeling thrills Because the void is haunting me, haunting me still
I can’t change until My body gets so ill That I throw up any shadow that reminds me of you I’m a small girl I’m losing hope If you were me, what would you do?
If you were me, what would you do?
You, always unaware Me – feeling so damn scared There’s nothing There’s nothing But empty space
