I threw a cigarette down on the ground while it was still lit and burned my foot I thought about when we sat on the bench, and you held me tight by my livelihood The frame of reference from me to you was always that you were misunderstood But I never thought about it like that I never thought about it like that And I can’t tell whether I want you to come back I can’t tell whether I want you to come back The way I’d submit to you, I always felt so attacked Wished you would pay attention to my words, wanted you to be keeping track My nerves would pile up- going haywire, getting hijacked I can say “I love you” then keep myself from getting sidetracked I can’t seem to fall asleep without reminiscent, beautiful flashbacks
Soft times Soft times
I think I make them up in my mind I know for sure you’re leaving me behind Think it’s good for me at the same time I press play; you hit rewind
The vision’s always there You – unaware Me – trying not to stare The sunshine’s oblivious glare
The vision’s always there You, always unaware Me – feeling so damn scared Won’t speak up, wouldn’t dare
I can’t seem to fall asleep You’re in my veins, you’re troubling me You wouldn’t come sit with me by the crashing sea Failure to disappear is choking me for eternity I thought things would improve if I looked more pretty I tried to speak quieter, say my sentiments softly I still haven’t realized it has little to do with me
I wish I could erase Your contemplative face Your light tan shade of summer’s warmth I’m taking all the pills Never feeling thrills Because the void is haunting me, haunting me still
I can’t change until My body gets so ill That I throw up any shadow that reminds me of you I’m a small girl I’m losing hope If you were me, what would you do?
If you were me, what would you do?
You, always unaware Me – feeling so damn scared There’s nothing There’s nothing But empty space
I loved when you had that white Honda Civic I think I loved the person you were when you were in it A little optimistic A tad less sadistic Revvin’ it up Making me mad Falling harder & harder like an annoying pop song Listening to you breathe when you fall asleep Telling me I’m always in your dreams
Sobriety was supposed to fix you Instead, it showed me the real you So I concluded I can no longer love you Even though you beat me like a drum Look good with anything on Bleed like Kermes vermilio crimson Bore me to death with the best stories I’ve ever heard Sentences where you compare me to her Never allowing me to feel more than unsure Memories that fade to an unpleasant blur I couldn’t stop
I knew it was all wrong You turned my poetry into songs That you’d play for other girls to make them think you’re good with words Jazz and ice Forget paradise In your lab, I’m all the squirming mice I know you better than that Please stay on your Prozac The world can be so wonderful the day you stop feeling so attacked & I’m learning to think clearly before I get so attached You make me so mad I changed my mind about ever coming back
I can’t I can’t Do that dance again You treat me like God’s biggest mistake And then tell me heaven isn’t real, it’s all fake How am I supposed to feel? How do you know what’s real? All my favourite people are there Where do they go when they’re scared? How upset were they with me when they saw that I didn’t leave but remained aware? Cappuccinos that are hot Smiling, and then not All the blueprints to me – every detail, you forgot The slow progression of feeling unloved and lost This is my forever, that’s what I thought
You’re not made for me You live painfully I am trying my best to no longer feel sorry for you The things that you do You don’t understand their magnitude Stop singing my lines to girls just to make them fall in love with you You don’t understand my words I’m in the ocean with the dead birds I was so happy you got better, but you only really got worse I think being caring is my most volatile curse
When I think of you It’s a reminder to me Of how oblivious, hopeful, & sad I can be Especially when I paint rose petals so pink and lovely in my dreams But the reality of what we are is so far from what it seems Part of me wishes I was too vapid to think of these things The emptiness of the situation has a dolefulness it brings Some days I feel lighter But for the most part, the powers of retention can really sting I said I’d do anything
And I sing my own poetry to myself to fall asleep I’m not trying to impress anyone I live a life that’s very alone And I can only hope that from here on I don’t succumb To keeping somebody close by my side That won’t buy me flowers because of his pride You hated the beach, so I never got to feel loved by the tide Some of my friends seriously thought that I died
Don’t say I didn’t try to help you In all sincerity, I tried At what point will I have finally given enough reasons why I don’t answer your calls I don’t want you at all
I loved when you had that white Honda Civic I think I loved the person you were when you were in it
Maybe I was made in hell The way I’m living is how I can tell
A lullaby of daffodils You hold the camera and tell me to hold still I’m like a melting candle, the way I’m built Like Saturday night’s florals, I begin to wilt Loose edges Sharp corners Haha, of course – you did it on purpose You know, you’re so good at making me nervous You open the window, but you shut the curtains I can’t come too close because I will never be certain If it’s you, the recent news is very concerning I love to know everything about you, it’s my lust for learning It’s doing me damage I’m picking up patterns I found a loose screw and some nails under the mattress I have this beautiful velvet dress that’s strapless But I’ve been gradually weakened, my violence is sapless And him and his coffee is quite the distraction Though I’m perilously stuck in perpetual subtraction
Doesn’t buy me roses No visible action It’s doing me damage I’m picking up patterns
I have ten thousand things to tell you But instead I asked for flowers You, not so permissive You aggressively declined I dreamed of blush-coloured roses, they were just divine Heaven sent on a plate, a black gun & red wine I was just wondering if maybe next time… I could have a guarantee for a cute little valentine Yeah, sure, that works, he can show up at nine
I’ll look so perfect I’ll smell of jasmine & pine I’ve made a plan for our date, it’s a rough outline I’ll fix up my hair, I’ll trim my waistline For the misery you put me through, I’ll need an anodyne I’ll paint my bedroom walls the carbonate powder of calamine I’m not doing my best, I’m hardly even trying
Lazy afternoons in the pool when it’s forty degrees I fall all the time, I have wounds on my knees You’ve never said sorry, you rarely said please Is it love, or is it the amphetamines? Stop getting so mad I’m only in my twenties But I know the best stones are found at the cemeteries And I know the absolute best are freshly grown blueberries When you scream at me, I close my eyes because it’s scary I think “happy thoughts,” I picture us married But I keep thinking ’bout how pretty I’ll look when I’m buried
I wanted to be your only You can’t handle being worried I’d come for you Never hesitate to hurry
It’s two in the morning I’ve made tea for myself I wear long faux lashes ’cause it’s good for my health I’m little Team Captain, everything I do is the best I’m losing my grip, I think I’m failing this test When you’ve broken everything, what is there left? They think I’m in a castle, I consider this a mess Do me a favour and be my guest When you find out what I’ve done, Don’t think more – think less Envisage Dream about The thrills the little boys and girls scream about She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling
Girls never get complimented anymore The boys just presume they’ll get bored It’s a mistake they’re all making, that I’m sure But I’m only one person, can I count as more?
She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling
Drowned in insecurity because it seemed like disposition When you really want to die, you make it your mission
A solid impression You flourish from attention I failed to mention The subtleties in my movements The delicate imbalance perchance you take me Miserable, haunting, unwelcoming vacancy I am the prettiest girl and I would like for you to cradle me
Skin glistening under the simmering hot sun I think the world of you, but I’m the only one Your brother laughed on the phone He didn’t put up with my tone He said if he has another, why won’t you let him go? I said, I don’t know I said, I just don’t know
I know my distress is an inconvenience I’ve been your soft little lenience I’m a wet blanket- your pink-nailed, gentle-featured killjoy You paint yourself gold like it’s your marketing ploy My hands on your shoulders “Honey, guns aren’t toys” The prophet of doom and glory has come to tell us to turn down the noise We respond, of course, with nothing but poise Remorse in a bedroom Withdrawing and sweating Prepare yourself for the obsolete presence of mind Tell me the same story you told me last time In midair suspended, dandelions in my hair Tell me that you find me graceful and kind Your catechism can be nonchalantly blamed on the wine Ice cube crystals melt like glaciers I think this is goodbye
I’m not profiting from the distance between us But I am getting closer to reaching the satellite I rest my head exactly where you used to place yours Almost every single, individual, starry night Back then I was a diamond, now I’m back to graphite It’s your longing gaze that’s such a beautiful sight A crystalline form of the element carbon I want to see you take off all that metal armour Your father said be careful, just please don’t harm her But changing your old ways is too vain to bother
I thought I could I stood on the platform I gave a speech They hated me Peered into my compass of female fragility When my eyes met that of God’s, I could finally see Nobody in my life ever believed in me I have only one option and it infuriates me
I have to leave you before you leave me
I’m so deep blue that you can’t see my embers Think back to my birthday, it was mid-September You didn’t call You didn’t remember And now it’s day seven of this year’s December
And there are no white roses in my room to be found You love me? No, it’s the other way around Coming to terms with that continues to hurt, somehow I’m constantly deciding whether I can afford to break down I play in the ocean, wouldn’t mind if I drowned I just hope I’d be wearing that pink nightgown
I have to leave you before you leave me I loved you like waves, so wholeheartedly I think I must do what’s best for me The walls cave in and bend anonymously When you close your eyes, I hope you see me A hopelessly nervous beauty queen An angel in a dress that makes me feel pretty
The walls cave in When you close your eyes I hope you see me
Poem: Happiness collected in a vial (Crying in the laboratory like a confused child)
I didn’t mean to make you cry Kiss your fights goodbye You asked why I was leaving, I gave you six reasons why I had so many more You slammed my front door You thought you were entitled, thought you had me by du jour I was addicted to the waves but began to feel so unsure
Stoicism is hard to connect with You don’t have to figure it tomorrow It’s about me becoming more secure, so I can choose a more secure man Some look out for themselves like it’s their only chain of command And others are more romantic They’ll be there waiting for you at midnight when your plane lands They won’t walk all over the ground on which your thin legs stand They’ll open doors for you and make evening plans They’ll play with you, and make castles out of the sand It doesn’t have to be only pain for me to withstand I think that’s what makes life so promising and grand
Life can be golden Real hopes unfolded I’m flowing, soft; I’m fluid molten You see me running, you scream for me to stop I’m a real class act, I’m awaiting your applause I feel I’m being evaluated like I’m on the job I’m sensitive, I think you forgot Less capable of dealing with emotions than fractures or blood clots I recognize this shade of red You’re forever in my thoughts
It doesn’t have to be hard Don’t believe all the others They only know the love that was given to their mothers And if we’re going to live together, we better try to understand each other I’m patient and caring, especially to my lover He’s the luckiest boy I like them more when they’re rougher In private, they’re soft around you and with raindrops they smother But it feels like God knows you can be much tougher And it feels like God knows your mind needs to rest And it feels like God knows you deserve only the best The last disaster you went through was nothing but a test
Good looks come in handy, notably being best-dressed It’s how you compose yourself when you’re at your most stressed You say I’m superficial Please, I’m from the Midwest I don’t respect positions where people leave themselves unexpressed I seduce the chaos, I disquiet unrest To engage in behavior simply out of self-interest You have to be okay with crashing parties as an unwelcome guest We’ll have the most fun Chardonnay with the sun We felt so late in our lives, but the times have just begun I’ll tell you a secret You’ll be the only recipient Put down your drink and make me feel like someone
Before I dissolve into bitter obsolescence I ask myself How do I feel in your presence? The good has to far outweigh the bad I take all of my differently-shaped pills I still remain sad It’s crawling out of the pit, that turns you mad When the ground hardens, it punctures your back And every new sting feels just like an attack For you, I’d give anything at the drop of a hat But if you want me like this, well then I’ll turn out like that Thursdays I read the news, next to my Siamese cat My five-thousand Kelvin lightbulb – my daylight habitat Something cute and clever written on the welcome mat Floating in the Dead Sea with the carnivorous bats
I count all my blessings, but I’m never exact If I could capture life, all the joy, I’d extract I’d collect it in vials Practice careful self-denial Clear my parameters of all the mesophiles You know what used to kill me, the sound of the dial
I’m starting fresh I hold my breath Decide to trust nobody with the data I obtain Draw circles with fine-point pens Contemplate what there is to gain Am I really bored enough to self-inflict pain? (I think if God was here he’d tell me I was going insane)
I don’t do it, but I strongly consider Calling your contact, hearing the telephone dial Listening to it ring for what’s taking a while Letting disappointment take over my smile Crying in the laboratory like a confused child
Drinking my tinted-pink, happiness-filled vial And not even caring about what neurotransmitters I mess up Because I’m just trying to get over what remains of you I’m a girl in a lab coat with a career I love But it’s three in the morning I know nothing else to do
I no longer have you I know nothing else to do I spit out my sample With these coping mechanisms, I’m through
I clean up the chaos I open my eyes I do what I do best, I stand back and analyze But I can’t stop thinking about you gripping my thighs Except enough time has passed that I don’t get the butterflies I realize you were my absolute favourite thing to idolize The dismissive things you said, I made sure to memorize If I was to rely on you, I would quickly recognize
Swallowing a vial of joy wouldn’t contain memories of you All my good times in life, you had nothing with to do It was me that was there Not you
When I was truly happy It was me that was there Not you
And no matter how much time passes, I’ll remain grateful that we’re through When I was truly happy, It was me that was there
