Poem: Paranoid and proud (10,000 times)

Paranoid and proud (10,000)

Enigmatic, or desolate

I knock on your door slowly
Trembling
I don’t want to interrupt your work
You tell me to crawl over to the desk
I said babe, I’ve got a headache
My hair is a mess
I can’t pass your tests

I’m stupid and paranoid
None of your answers make sense
Where were you last Tuesday
Who was that in the car
You reach for another cigar
You’re the most beautiful boy but your personality is tar
You’re mean about my scars

A variation of you and me (but it’s just a fantasy)

The white roses have died
Is it me or my pride
That I always remind you of how my favorite man died
I know I’m a burden, I scream on the inside
Walking on eggshells
Tiny glass fragments
When you threw the vase at the wall because you couldn’t find your glasses
The white roses, they’ve died anyway
Entered a state of decay
Quite like I have, and it’s how I will stay
The light has left me, what do you make of my remains
I’m more revolting every day

Chaos and butterflies
Surprise me with flowers
Plant a tree every time you yawn when I talk about my interests
If this isn’t love or lust then what is this
Why do I sit on your lap every time you come around
How come I put my face to a pillow so that I don’t make a sound
How come you told me that the next time I get lost you hope I won’t ever be found
Like pitch black surround sound

I turn to the other side
I do my best to hide
Is that another exhibition of my pride?

You told me you loved to listen
You lied
Ten thousand times

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Poem: And that’s the price of fame


Life Is sweet, or whatever baby
My roses aren’t growing and your car’s not in my parking lot
I’m flowing like hot boiling water– crashing, pour me another cup, slowly in your ceramic mug over your chamomile tea bags
I’m soft like, all the time
Not ready to make you mine
Let the L-theanine take me to space
I like it this way
Me, making the rules
But I don’t want all of the responsibility
So I roll over and I see you
What you making for breakfast, hun
I put on my blue satin robe and walk to the kitchen
See you on the phone there, so I won’t disturb
Pour my arms around you like you’re the softest bedsheets I’m buying at Bloomingdales

Hidden targets
Embedded formats

You love my perfume
Stretch your tanned neck to smell mine
Hey wrap around me, I think you’re pretty divine

Teaching me stick shift with my eyes closed

You notice my salmon pink nails
Make fun of me for being a diva
Buy me the best ashy grey graphite for my sketches
Of wedding dresses and gowns
And torn down queens
For me to take to town
See who’ll buy
(I get mean)

You’ll be smoking cigarettes nearby
I’m so proud to say that you’re my guy
I tell people for no reason at all
But I’m trying to be realistic

rose, white, pink

I’m really trying to keep my love in
Not shower you, like I might
I know you keep telling me it’s alright
I’m filled with so much love, I want to throw it out
Into the grave distance, see if it will run wild
You and I, we both need a break, we need to get out
Take breaks from falling like a bumble bee
Bring me coffee from that coffee shop you hate
You’re adapting to me

And that scares me
That scares me
Camera flashes
Fine finances
Swim deep into the vast open sea
But let’s go, take a trip to Nebraska or Kansas
I’ll wear white cowboy boots, get in your 4 by 4
My crystal cove Coca Cola babe
You can’t hurt me yet
You can’t hurt me yet
You can’t hurt me yet
You can’t hurt me yet

I haven’t lost myself yet
But I’m seeing it in you
No, don’t hurt me yet
Don’t hurt me yet
You can’t hurt me yet
You can’t-
You can’t-
Please don’t hurt me yet

But life is sweet or whatever, baby

But life is sweet or whatever, baby

written April 7, 2021 at approximately 4:14 am

Poem: In your company

How do I tell you, that you’re the love of my life
That sometimes when I daydream
I picture being your wife
I know I act like a diva
But I’ll take any ring you can afford
Life has been hard on us
I want so bad to console you
To adore you, never control you
I’m finding it so hard to say the right things

Please always be here, right at my wing
I need you so I cannot break
My head on your shoulder
Your hand on my spine
If I could, I would be with you, all of the time

You let me decorate the walls with fashion and moons
Bridal advertisements for their colors and luxe
With you I’m fucked out of luck
I’lll never have you how I want
You don’t think I understand you, you’re making the wrong bet
If you were a school of fish I’d be your fishnet
Save you from the perils of the sea
Surgically transform your gills into breathing mechanisms

I can’t believe I’m saying this but you know I would die for you
And that couldn’t be more true
But in your company I am dying myself
Succumbing to pain
It hurts
So
Much
To not be able to reach you like I want
To you it’s like I’m writing in an illegible font
I’m looking right at you but you’re glancing away
Between us there’s so goddamn much we have to say
I get on my knees and beg you to try things my way

With you I’m fucked out of luck
I’ll never have you how I want
In your company I’m dying already

It’s been a slow, debilitating, painful death
I’m close to reaching the heavenly sunset
I love you forever
Say goodbye to my pets

Poem: Whiskey in the sunshine

I always forget

In the cool blue like it’s the ocean


1

You
With your sanitary hand napkins
That you specifically call towelettes
Not an English accent but it’s the best
I always forget what state you’re from
And you tease me for that very gesture

2

You
Still come by
Even though I told you not to anymore
Sunday morning, you show up at my door
And you proceed to infiltrate
Ask me who bought those flowers
(Me)
Ask me who I’m getting ready for
(Myself)
Take a book about romance and passion off my bookshelf
“By mistake”

3

You don’t make mistakes
You’re this rare thing, you were born immaculate
The only thing about you is your greed
Your hunger
You push me down under
The water, when we’re swimming
I love to bask in the cool blue like it’s the ocean
I’m relieved you don’t have blue eyes
Thank god you’re not one of those guys
You tutor me in math and I give you chocolates
That I pocket from the work parties I choose not to attend
I have plans
Baby
I got plans

4

You only wear Vans
Such a boy you are!
I like when you play fight with me
Rummage through my hair
That I combed neatly for our “date”
I like that you participate
We’re like two soldiers at war
That have each others’ back
When I thought you left I had a panic attack
I promised I’d get you back

5

Get you back
You’d have to be mine first
And you know, that sounds like an intolerable curse
Being in love with you would possibly be the worst
But we’d go out all the time
Sip the whiskey I like under the warm sunshine
Spend the day together on Valentine’s
Come away with me
Let my pink nails scratch your head
That’s the only way you can get to bed

6

Now I have you stuck in my head
And you know, that sounds like an intolerable curse
We’re like two soldiers at war
Except I’d be smiling at you too much to shoot
And you know I love to shoot

7

But then there’s you 

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Poem: Our warm bedroom

Last night I had a poem stuck in my head
And I did nothing about it as I lay in my bed
It was about the golden days in Chicago ,
When we lived in that small apartment
And we were so happy.

I was tossing and turning
Trying to get it out of my mind
And all of those words I came up with, I soon left behind
I chose not to write about those wonderful days
That I romanticize, just a little
You have to romanticize everything
Just a little
That’s how you go on living

Someday I’ll go mad because I won’t remember
How cold it was when we moved in on September
How much joy I got from the fire escape
As it looked upon the downtown, so far away
You could hardly catch a glimpse
But with my cigarette lit
I was in heaven.

I was in pure heaven.