It scared me so I knew We were going down I knew You would not turn around And still Like a beat I’m made of memories Crystal castles Made of ashes My forgetful apprentice With wrath like a vengeance Misinterpreted my withdrawn Glances at the sharp, flawlessly glamorized corners of the living room (Mine)
Velveteen heart-shaped sunglasses When I’m asleep, you know it plays Again on repeat The things You said When my hands were in my lap I can’t Even sleep I can’t Even sleep I can’t Even sleep
I can’t Find a song That makes you make sense to me More than The last Few words you sent And how Fast I sank My teeth Into my hand To keep From setting my bedroom on fire
All the wires All the while – They surrounded me like filth Carcasses of your hypnotic, granite, carbon imagination An avalanche of insecurities, I thought I had Swallowed In a strawberry, lime, and gin cocktail Held fragile
An escape would be too good to be true Though it wouldn’t make me think less about you
Soft skin In collapsing horizons Pitfalls Two doves on a swing I’ll give you my everything Every last piece of marble and copper
In the mornings, we eat vegan butter on toast And our evenings of suffering remake every inhospitable, tarnished spider web That fills us with a skepticism Too delicate to absolve (Mine)
In waves, so transient A hospital bed With white flowers for For me, for me, for me For me, for me, for me For me
And I deleted my profile because I can’t handle falling in love again I can’t help I can’t handle I can’t handle falling in love again I can’t help I can’t handle I can’t handle falling in love again I can’t help I can’t hang I can’t feel
Anything that could get me close Anything that could get me close
We were so close I can’t help I can’t help Thinking we were so close,
Free verse poem: This is my castle (they built it for the queen)
All I want is some wine To know that you’ve tried But I don’t get what I want, but in case you forgot, This is my castle; they built it for the queen I’ve gone by my nickname since I was nineteen I picked the cherry stems just fine Wrapped them around you in due, hazel time Not unsettled by rage, only burnt by hot sunshine There is a time and a place For letting me go tonight I can only live in shades of blue for so long
You’ll call when you’re drinking But the rosemary and fever dream has me thinking That in this warm abyss, I’m finally putting myself first I’m the most decadent of late-night desserts (I don’t care if I get hurt) Moving like the Chicago Transit Authority that picks me up every fifteen minutes, To sit and watch the downtown splendor, the people having conversations The luxurious skyscrapers with their gleaming reflections on the river My god, if you could see it My god, if only you could see it Reels of the same film run through my mind
I look at the lilac flowers That I picked out for myself You handed your credit card to the cashier and made my head hurt You didn’t want to be there You pinched my weakest nerves But they fired back, like dropped bombs on a 1990s Cadillac I was confused when I looked in the mirror, and I wasn’t blushing Why, as a young girl, did I feel nothing?
I moved, so briskly I held them, so close I always hold flowers so deathly close to me Can’t help having something in my life I don’t intend to have and to hold, as the evening unfolds I’m mesmerized by the dusky, disorderly, crimson, secluded, and mechanical sky I can’t help having something in my life without keeping it close-by I’m a porcelain and ivory, soft-hearted girl All you had to do was try All you had to do was try
Ice cream summer popsicle dreams Muscle relaxant mixed with white amphetamines To handle the chaos that you collided with mine I think there’s a right place, and a right time But if you call late at night, know I’ve had some red wine So the pauses are longer When you hold your breath, No longer allowed to lay your head on my chest Coming to terms with what I’m led to believe You’ve been lying to me I saw it; I grabbed it; I wreaked some fucking havoc Internally, always Internally No longer lying awake as you, beside me, breathe
An exemplary paradise for your magical thinking She’s the one, she’s the only one Who cared to ask about Things you couldn’t say out loud To anyone, anyone She’s the one, she’s the only one She’ll be the one, she’ll be the only one To tell you the truth To show you who you are She’s the only one She’ll be the only one
I’ve moved in a geometric possession to the interwoven mention, Of “boyfriend,” and “happy” And “I don’t want to,” A passing thought: was I gentle enough As if in my lifetime, I’ve ever been rough Like a foreign identity I’ve latched onto lately To remove your hesitation with no A+ on my exam I rest my heavy head in my pale hands I pull you back and forth like a rubber band I’m swimming and I don’t want to come up to breathe
But I have to I have to
Like fine black metal branches, delicate though not brittle, The uncertainty Is damaging It feels Like tragedy Knocking on hell’s door asking if I’m ready for some more Are you ready for some more? The peaches were more vibrant than I could have dreamt them up to be But they’re only on a painting that was completed in the 17th century Find myself alone in this maze of lost equilibrium There’s an error in your calculations The past has nothing to do with the girl standing before you It’s taken me 26 years to learn the blind cannot be cured by me Even though it’s my specialty Even though it was real to me, Even though I
Count blueberries and pick off their tiny stems On a blanket, it rains; I am hopeful again For a time when I’m sitting in a boy’s passenger seat, and he looks at me And he’ll feel so free The thought of belonging to me They have led astray me, but don’t go by a day That I don’t count the ways
I grow softer, and softer As I learn man’s ways,
I grow softer and softer I don’t lose myself in the haze If you knew what I know, My god, you’d be amazed
Live in modest obscurity Classic California beach living Sunglasses, shades, Maseratis, fast cars, soda pop A life that has been glamorized Or so I had hypothesized He wouldn’t even be reading in between my lines Too busy thinking about himself all the time
Perhaps a few motels overlooking the coast Empty parking lots Paint a vision for yourself Soft ice cream in all good health Said you were sober, had liquor on the top shelf Honey, I thought you loved yourself
Ladies, you know me for my diamonds I’ll show you everything sparkly that’s designer That girl you once knew, you’re right behind her To enjoy the high life without mascara on To come to rise with the evening sun To know how to really know someone Stay omnipresent – hot, wild, and young Like every morning, a new life has just begun Dark spaces for dark traces of ice-cold skeletons Bones only fit like fragments Do what you’re told Let your dream love life in front of you start to unfold
Everything in the right order Everything in the right order Everything all the same Everything all the same
Lying between last quarter and new moon I figured when we’d talk, we would be with each other soon There are words on my body, on yours – video game cartoons You never meant to express how little I meant to you
I started noticing in conversation When the focus was on us, you lacked elation I quit my work for you, I gave up waiting I became so exhausted not living, but waiting I tried to show you I was patient You hate yourself like you’re tainted Letting of go of the dream that one day you and I would make it
Now I’m in the doorway, sort of half-naked I’m alone, but I’m tranquil, and nothing you do will change it
I’m alone but I’m tranquil Nothing you do will change it
I threw a cigarette down on the ground while it was still lit and burned my foot I thought about when we sat on the bench, and you held me tight by my livelihood The frame of reference from me to you was always that you were misunderstood But I never thought about it like that I never thought about it like that And I can’t tell whether I want you to come back I can’t tell whether I want you to come back The way I’d submit to you, I always felt so attacked Wished you would pay attention to my words, wanted you to be keeping track My nerves would pile up- going haywire, getting hijacked I can say “I love you” then keep myself from getting sidetracked I can’t seem to fall asleep without reminiscent, beautiful flashbacks
Soft times Soft times
I think I make them up in my mind I know for sure you’re leaving me behind Think it’s good for me at the same time I press play; you hit rewind
The vision’s always there You – unaware Me – trying not to stare The sunshine’s oblivious glare
The vision’s always there You, always unaware Me – feeling so damn scared Won’t speak up, wouldn’t dare
I can’t seem to fall asleep You’re in my veins, you’re troubling me You wouldn’t come sit with me by the crashing sea Failure to disappear is choking me for eternity I thought things would improve if I looked more pretty I tried to speak quieter, say my sentiments softly I still haven’t realized it has little to do with me
I wish I could erase Your contemplative face Your light tan shade of summer’s warmth I’m taking all the pills Never feeling thrills Because the void is haunting me, haunting me still
I can’t change until My body gets so ill That I throw up any shadow that reminds me of you I’m a small girl I’m losing hope If you were me, what would you do?
If you were me, what would you do?
You, always unaware Me – feeling so damn scared There’s nothing There’s nothing But empty space
We’re sitting down at a soft-lit diner You’re asking about my old man, the coal miner I think of soft petals when I see you
Your grey truck is parked out front There’s flowers in my hair and flowers in my hands The only arguments we have are about who are the best bands And I always win I always win
You listen to the things I say, like they’re important And your gorgeous pale skin is coming to focus I’m not sure when I want to press the shutter Because I just love looking at you like this Ambivalent Pink kiss Collagen lips I love looking at you like this
This is about the time that I begin to get paranoid But, no My gaze is on you The sky interrupts me into pieces I have nothing to be guilty about I think I’ve got it figured out
I’m madly in heaven; the ocean is crisp The sea makes me forget about the bitter drip Your eyes are magnified
Ambivalent Pink kiss Collagen lips I love looking at you like this
I found myself without inspiration So I didn’t write for weeks I think you know I think you know If I took your hand, where I would lead you to
I have nothing to be guilty about This time around This time around I’m running away from you on the playground I’m running away from you on the playground
Your voice is my new favourite sound I say to you Speak loud
This time around This time around I’m running away from you on the playground Your voice is my new favourite sound Your voice is my new favourite sound
The ocean is crisp I love looking at you like this
