The things I see, the things I love
Poem: Nothing left
I filed a
Lawsuit
Against the doves in my hallway
Told them they were too
Loving
And now I understand why there’s nothing left
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Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd
I want him to love me for my bad reputation
Lilacs and daisies,
And we don’t even have to have those kinds of conversations.
Like who do you think you are all the time misbehaving?
But I’m just a little doll in a lace dress,
Can’t you see how much joy I’ve been faking?
My garden is so pretty
My kitchen is pristine
New tiles on the bathroom floor to feel Victorian,
And I know that my cursive is quite Gregorian.
You vomit all over my love letters because it’s too much for you.
And maybe that’s why we’re not so–
Made for each other,
Perfect synchronous lovers.
I’m embarrassed to say
I think about it every day.
Do you think you want more from me?
I’m already overflowing- a coffee cup that forms bubbles and bleeds
I want you to buy me flowers most of all
And I worry this is the only thing I ever think about
And do I worry that I’m not enough for you?
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
All the opposite,
Your grey hairs in such ethereal hues
I think I’m way too much for you.
A silver plate and French dessert, picking off the residue,
I swear, in another lifetime,
I was also deeply in love with you
But I am a crazy girl,
I am truly wild.
Everywhere that I go, they collect some kind of files
They say the weirdest things about me, and it’s never made sense.
I wanted to be the most trustworthy person,
But I’m not very good at making friends.
And this makes me sad.
And I want you to help me not feel bad.
But if that’s too much for you,
Then that makes my suspicions true.
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
I am so used to being too much,
But never enough
Never enough.
I am so used to being far too much,
But never enough
Never enough.
My hair is gently tied with a beautiful pink ribbon
He thinks that I did things that I didn’t.
I’ve always wanted to be someone that people could trust
But if I cleaned a window,
He would still just see arachnids and dust
And that was a bad line; I’m not a very good poet. It’s one of my insecurities,
Though I hope I don’t show it.
But this is a mess,
The fabric between our asymmetrical beds.
I don’t even know where I feel the best laying my head.
I have duvet covers in different area codes and these apartments that don’t even belong to me
But I wanna belong to somebody
And I want them to take care of me.
And I want them to not be so scared of me.
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
So now I’m crying on the freeway, writing this using voice-to-text
And I think I’m beautiful, but well aware that he’ll forget
And I wanna be taken care of properly, like my dad would admire
And I want to be given flowers, like my mother would appreciate
But I am the common denominator,
The problem at hand.
And I just want somebody who can understand
That I wanna be trustworthy to the point where you believe I didn’t do it
So, if I set this place on fire,
Are you gonna give me a hard time about it?
Or try your best to see me get through it
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
Watch me
Dancing
Laughing
Crying
Soaking
Rainfall
Open
Windshield
Broken
I fell in love with you three times
I sat and sobbed in the shower, thirty-nine
Or are you going to laugh with me?
Because it is inherently funny
That we carved this life together
I’m aware I appear as a rotten tomato that ruins the rest of the vine,
But someday someone will trust that I’m good on the inside
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Love poem: Sweetness in February
Sometimes I look at, my flowers that have died
And I find them more beautiful than when they were alive.
Last year, my family got the most beautiful, dark-green noble fir Christmas tree we ever had
In a pop-up parking lot full of his friends
I personally found him more appealing before he was decorated
Then I cut 6 inches off my hair
No more split ends
Love poem: Sweetness in February (continued)
Somebody stole our Christmas ornaments from the car
The little cute animals my mother and I laughed about when we saw them in a store forever ago
I hope they felt happy in their new home,
Wherever they ended up,
I just hope they weren’t disposed.
Some people – you start to feel disposable to them,
Like the sweetness you carry doesn’t bear any weight,
Like it means nothing that whatever stories they tell you, will never be shared with a single soul
Not used as small talk to break the ice
Never told at “parties”
That I imagine I’d be attending with my future lover because other people have families & other people have friends & other people have obligations & events
Birthdays to attend
& other people might wonder why I’m not there, and I want to be more than polite for I’m awfully curious
About that sort of life.
I pretend I’m not but,
I really am.
Love poem: Sweetness in February (continued)
I didn’t want you for your money or what you promised me
I was just so calm when I would laugh with you
You introduced me to emojis
Now I use them constantly
You’re well aware I love cuteness
I know you favour my modesty
Something got in our way
You may not want to admit it was from both sides
I never knew you that well
Though of course I still cried
Come to my front gate
Wait in front of your car
I’ll wear the outfit I picked out
At the very start
Come to my front gate
To see me, now
I’ll wear full-on sweats
So you have nothing to think about
Love poem: Sweetness in February (continued)
But I know you a little more than I think I do
Who knows if I’ll ever find out if that’s true
I know you a tiny bit more than you think you do
Who knows if you’ll ever understand that it’s true
Sometimes I look at, my flowers that have died
And I find them more beautiful than when they were alive.
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Poem: Haunted
I step outside
Of the curtain lining
To tell you the truth
But you’ve already gone to work
I step outside
To my midsummer garden
Cos it’s all about myself
In my own little world
And in my opinion, it wasn’t meant to be
I see it in the palms of my hands
See it in the trees
But looking at past daydreams
I so wanted it to be
A universe where things could work out for me (playing the victim?)
Poem: Haunted (continued)
In the grand scheme of things
They’re always listening
Don’t pay much attention to it cos I spend my days dreaming
Future apartments with bay windows
New acrylic nail salons
Runs with my dog on Lake Shore Drive
You could have just told me
Though you did in your own way
I made sure to
Curl up in a blanket
I didn’t cry at first
But then the weekend came
I was tangled and interwoven into you and me again
You should have just
Taken it out on me
You should’ve just –
You should’ve just –
But you stopped yourself.
I don’t get how
You didn’t take it out on me
You should’ve –
You should’ve –
But you stopped yourself.
Poem: Haunted (continued)
In an arboretum I found truly my favourite flowers
Next few hours, you grew so bored, I thought you would fall straight into your hands
The thorns from the castle drains would
Stop to tell you that
This wasn’t exactly
Part of her plan.
I grew quite timid
Wasn’t born to be an alarm clock
So I let you sleep the next day while I did my own thing
The thing was, it was my birthday
And anyone knows that can have meaning
So it isn’t worth the frame-worked lawsuit
The heavy weight in my mind
You shouldn’t have
Taken it out on me
I thought we were different people
Living new lives, so it seemed.
You shouldn’t have chosen
To take it out on me
I thought we had become new
In the grand scheme of things.
Poem: Haunted (continued)
Fortune surrounds you
So I’m in a blanket
Wishing you well in skyscraper heaven.
If you turned around,
To retrieve your belongings –
My apartment would be empty,
But it would still be haunted.
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Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons)
Nuclear envelopes
A testable hypothesis
Will you still love me if I –
Will you drown me out
Like the noise in a soundproof room
He always said he’d like to go to solitary confinement just to get away
For a honeymoon
Light leaks
Asparagine and leucine
Convoluted sighs and my pink floor-length satin dress
Eating three times on Mondays,
Eating four times, the day after
Consuming enough carbohydrates to be like a plant
A prisoner in your gardener
A wide-awake blooming orchid
Couch that fell from a truck bed onto the motorway
We could just make it ours
Watch the fires and fireflies swarm in the distance
Devouring apricots
A routine for my bedtime
Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]
Letting go of lethargic tendencies
But I don’t have the energy
I’m miserable, with or without you
Have to be the writer of my own memoir, the heroine in my own maladaptive daydreams
That serve me quite well
Like soft serve by the beach
Made from plant-based oat milk & Oreos
I’ll let the sea and the sun and the sky devour me, so I can merge with the ants and
Worry only about my colony
What a dream it’s becoming
Empty head
Empty thoughts
Your Percocet
My writer’s block
I’ve been too, afraid, to put this down on paper
A typewriter with no keys
Hands that swell
Knees that bleed
I know perfectly well
That I’m who you need
Will you be there for me, in the daylight and the evenings?
My handsome prince
Tread carefully
I’m exactly who I aspire to be
Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]
I believe in myself, most of all
Though, the cognitive dissonance gets swept like ashes
At a fireplace
Melting, blurring a reality that you swore was three-dimensional
You vase of a porcelain starlit galaxy
You atmospheric void, claustrophobic from your own apprehension
I’m so in love with every part of you
Especially the pieces you really disdain
I’ll take them in my hands
Like the softest of sand
Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]
I don’t know what to do with all these birthday balloons
The vinyl you bought me, thank you, by the way
You precious thing.
And the things I have to move on from
Tangled in grief-ridden spiderwebs
Merging through lanes with my blinker forever on
I follow all the laws
When the crows are watching, carefully
I’ll let the sea and the sun and the sky devour me, so I can merge with the ants and
Worry only about my colony
What a dream it’s becoming
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