I can tell I can tell in my own poetry When I’m slipping into cracks In the asphalt The rendition of your worst dreams – concave nightmares Existing perfectly intertwined in cooler but violet & violent, amber tones Softly, gazing Haphazardly Barely awake and hardly credible Flashes of cyanide to intoxicate the evening and ruin the damage that’s in disarray So perfect, it all always seems to be
Somehow I’m always awake when you are Or you’re always awake when I am Or we catch each other at the right times
Like doves passing muted harmonies back and forth Into the night
I have to be very careful Because I’ve been I’ve been in these rivers before I swallowed marbles and bubbles and committed acts you’d say were inhumane I was a small girl I was in pain
I have to play my cards right Because I just want everything to be serene, the water clear Everything to be perfectly alright I’ve been waiting I’ve been waiting for you I’ve been waiting I’ve been waiting for you
I’ve spent long nights Wondering Thinking Just thinking About everything that keeps me away from you And how The line is so thin And I think I’m going to cross it again Like an avalanche in my brain
I’m looking at you but you’re not even Not even looking at me I’m looking at you but you’re not even Not even looking at me Like I’m too blind to see Like I’m too naive to believe That you would be in love with me Not even looking at me Are you in love with me Why won’t you, why won’t you tell me Not even looking at me
Million, million, million, million things I could say, now, in this field of wildflowers Hey! I can’t find my landscape You’re all I ever dreamt of I’m falling asleep while I’m awake I don’t know, I don’t know How all you do is take How all you do is take
Like an avalanche I spread my wings and pick them off, one by one I have “feelings” and you don’t have “emotions” I wish I could sit with a typewriter and feed words into your head Things I want on a handwritten note Delivered to me by mail Always on time, without fail A napkin from a fancy cafe in Paris Baby, I can tell you all the right things to say Why, why can’t things just go perfectly my way Is it unsettling The way things come into play The way night turns into day I can’t look away
You can’t convince someone You can’t convince someone to stay But you look so good So good So good So good So good When you walk away When you walk away Away Away Away
When you walk away The way night turns into day Like an avalanche in my brain
I’m growing strawberries in my garden I buy canned Vanilla Coke at the corner store When I came home Wednesday night, there were the most beautiful white roses I’ve ever seen laying softly on the kitchen counter Courtesy of my mother Who knows I’m dismayed by how boys don’t buy me flowers Somehow it was a thousand times sweeter coming from her Dewdrops on daisies Fresh Baby’s Breath in fine, pristine garments The things that used to scare me, I no longer find alarming The way thunderstorms sound like amphetamines dropping can no longer harm me I promised myself that I would keep my own promises
For a while I wanted someone to love me like I do, you But that, would be insubstantial Since I never got through to you in the ways I can only hope one day someone will, to me Like looking in a mirror When you’re trying to see inside Of a building you pass by on your lunch break That makes you feel mesmerized But it’s oh, so fleeting With a heavy mind and drowsy eyes I lay amongst the wildflowers gasping for glimmers of hope A reality I am capable Of painting myself
A couple of days ago I lost the keys to my apartment Tried to go around the back, and my cat wouldn’t let me in! The nerve! Like she was raised by wolves! So I came back to the front of my residence, and when the mailman came with my packages I collected them Stared at my name in sans serif font on the mailing label Beneath the sunlight as it showered me with Affection Like the song I sent you That you didn’t like Because you didn’t favour the singer’s voice But that was not The point It was The words That I wanted you to hear, at least read for heaven’s sake
But nobody reads what you want them to And after hours of sitting against my black, metal apartment door Wishing I had chalk, like a child, to draw horribly disfigured life stills on the warm cement I found the key in my pocket (I’m not very good at hiding things from myself) But I am good at finding pockets of time to be alone with the sunshine Carefully planned Flawlessly executed Only something a Virgo could do
Do you remember? When my birthday is? Or how badly I wanted those flowers?
Nobody remembers what you want them to It’s frightening, really How someone’s perception is so far removed from your control But isn’t that Delightful That my mother knows exactly how to make me smile My cat knows I need time to take to rinse my thoughts with sun rays and pieces of gravel
I deleted your text message Like you had never come back Almost automatically I was surprised with even myself But you will never know how much I loved you
Oh, you won’t like my picture? Because you’re mad at me? Which one of us is reverting to our old ways? I got something real cool just for you Rosas blancas Oh but – they’re mine, they’re mine They’re mine
I go to the market, Productos Mexicanos Roll my window down as I drive Close my doll-like eyes And the sunshine hits me in the most pleasant of ways Saying to me, saying to me You’re crazy In the most pleasant of ways Nobody leaves voicemails like I do Nobody looks as good in a dress as I do Deserving of rapture Deserving of fire Gasoline and lilac fumes to invigorate the night Soft candle-light, hold me real tight
Yeah, we’re getting high from nothing at all My mom was right about you Your concept of me isn’t capable of changing I need freedom, I need freedom, baby To be who I want to be It’s the only way I can be, who you and I both want me to be The only way to be free The only way to be me
I need a boy I can speak Spanish to; I need a boy who’s Latino City Terrace Drive, I take the 605 I want a boy with his own apartment, his own car Rev it up on the highway, scare the living daylights out of me With your thrill, hot thrill Wind in my hair Let me be free with you Follow my dreams next to you Walk alongside you, and only you Be my thrill Avalanche on a hill Inspire me to be whole again
Walking around town, thinking you’re so cool You don’t have a car & you dropped out of school Painting portraits of me is the only thing you’ve ever done for me Ever done for me Ever done for me Now it’s done for me
Soy una princesa No olvides eso Yo soy la reina Llevo el mejor perfume So what do you have to lose, when you can’t see through me Can’t understand me Doesn’t even try I’m vacant as the forever in-bloom, wide open sky I write and I do not know why You’re not calling me right now
Right now, right now Right now, right now I want a white wedding gown El supermercado mexicano
Rosas blancas Rosas blancas Give me white roses Love me on purpose Rosas blancas Rosas blancas El supermercado mexicano
Thought I lost you there Thought I lost Thought I lost you there Thought I lost
Free-verse poem: Simon & Garfunkel, truly terrifying (New York)
My baby didn’t even have time to pack his suitcase Left his things sprawled all over the floor He told me he wanted to go to the city Find the things he didn’t know he was looking for He wanted more, he wanted more He wanted more Jars of honey, sweet fiber network He wanted more And I knew, across moments in space and time That I had done my good deeds And I could get my coat off the rack He’s looking for more In black tar and spiderwebs He’ll find a new job in New York A city that has too many important people in it for anyone to ask about
Gentle as the sea Unbecoming as you dissolved directly into me
I cast the glow that tried to diminish my solitude Playing Simon & Garfunkel deep into the night To surround me in playful melody, and memories of nights in hotels Where I didn’t know anybody & nobody knew of me & the thick, ivory, vintage & carefully sewn cloth that lay on the table where I had a drink (a mix of elderberry for immunity, and something with zinc) I squeezed a lemon into my eye (Just to try) (Just to try it once) I became like the night
Smooth in rapture Rough like the ocean waves Not asking anyone to hold me, because I wasn’t in the best company Never understood why people use other people when they feel lonely I find no solace in that regard That kind of domination, to utilize temptation What good would it do for me- my little, fawn frame? My agony and stillness, harshly disillusioned A maiden’s last words A goodbye in a picture frame Held up by safety pins for decoration of the living room, my sweet residence Very far from New York
They read my poems and think they’re separate, short ones instead of long form stories But at least they’re reading It’s good for the brain It’s almost a necessity to understand someone else’s pain In my bedroom, I have roses on the left side of the bed Audrey Hepburn on the wall Reading a book, casually, a photograph taken & never explained Who will ever take photographs of me? Will anybody capture me in my own reserved solitude? Press a camera shutter when my face looks nice from the angle the lens hits me from, In the right light? With a nice mannerism? How cruel it is to live years without memories Nothing to think about with morning coffee Nobody to dream of when I’m feeling despondent
It’s not that I try not to, but I can’t stop writing It’s like the medication hasn’t yet absorbed You tell people you’re a writer and they nod their head In agreement, almost I think it’s an act of disregard Find me a publisher! Buy my book, whenever it comes out! Support my dreams! No, no Nods his head It’s an act of disregard A repetition in disguised portrayal of an affirmation Fleeting hopelessness mixing in jars of honey that fade to silk and an ambience destroyed by lightning in the dark Making way for the gloomy inhabitants of New York’s city streets As he neglects to pack his bags
He retracts Shoulders back Panic attack Upright and tall, a self-preserved, startling enchantment Eyes so sharp and clear but in my nonchalant mind I’ll still remember them as filled with fog Some people- you can ask them a million different questions, yet fail to receive a hospitable response A succession of worries “What if the plane catches on fire, what will you do then?” “Will you call me when you land? Should I stay awake?” Fog, nothing but fog Dove tails & tales of romance, swept like ashes falling from a neighbor’s cigar An afternoon sky of abysmal disobedience
When we were young We were gentle like the sea And I was becoming something great, something to be remembered But his benzodiazepines have no regard for memory preservation So with every step he takes, every fragment of clothing he doesn’t arrange He dissolves directly into me
I hear ‘The Only Living Boy in New York’ repeating softly in my mind Holding on to the melody in a way that Truly terrifies me As I dissolve Repeatedly
