You with your Fast car I’m holding my Seatbelt Wondering how careless you could be with your daughter And after you were gone, I figured out why you were so unbothered Mechanic by daylight Television by bedtime I’d do anything to cut one of the garden peaches for you again
All I know is that I hope you’re digging your way through the gloom of the deep cement clouds To see what I’m up to How I’ve been living I found me a boy That treats me like a princess I pretend to be doing well But who am I kidding Your never-stifled laughter is Something I’ll forever be needing
Poem: From the garden [continued]
I put my wrinkled dollar bills on the counter To pay for a blueberry icee The cashier tells me That I string words together so nicely I wonder at what age Did I become so inviting? I just know you weren’t there to see it I was a canine addicted to biting
And I’d do anything to Cut one of the garden pears for you again See your bright expression In that very moment, right then I was an imperfect daughter To a highly flawed father
And I wish I could go back to those days Like, all of the time And I wish I could ask you for advice Like, all of the time And I wish I could come home late to you angry Like, all of the time And I wish I could feel the thrill of 100 miles per hour Like, all of the time Without crying
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You know up and down what real love is My god, have you felt and known that before You see it traveling through your own veins Sparkling bright on the kitchen floor
I decided to Write myself a love letter Because who really knows Me any better?
What do I keep hurting myself for Nobody’s looking in the mirror but you I keep on dreaming what life has in store But spin in circles until my knees fade to a distant blue It’s so chaotic living like this Never licking icing off the birthday cake Consumes me like frostbite by the lake The peak of my landscape of moth wings And when I take the time to Unpack my belongings I suddenly realize My god, I’m in love with everything So why do I Keep feeling like this Like I’m the only one Like I’m the only one Like I’m the only one
Love poem: Moth wings (continued)
We could see the winter snow again Buy the coat with the elegant faux fur You don’t even have to make amends Cos even God knows talk of sin is absurd We could see Lake Michigan freeze to death While what’s underneath simply carries on One day I’ll get out of bed Just in time to watch the morning’s sun
You know back and forth what real love is My god, you feel it now, just like you did before Watch it coarse through your own stunning veins Opulence and nervousness on the closet floor
Love poem: Moth wings (continued)
You’re too young to be afraid Too old to hesitate We can swim right in the lake ‘Till your body collapses on the seashore
So I decided to write a love letter to myself Not because men let me down But because the sound waves miss my eardrums I go days without hearing a sound But god, I love the tone of my own voice Think it’s so funny that I picked up a southern accent Next time someone says my name I’ll remember I’ve been heaven-sent
Love poem: Moth wings (continued)
I can swim right in the lake In the city of my dreams ‘Till my pale body collapses on the seashore Flooded with hope like the legs of a millipede I am warm and fragile and cold My hair tends to burn if it’s by the fire But my New Year’s resolution will still be to be ‘comfy cozy’ If I said I was suicidal, I’d have to be a liar
I can swim right in the lake Lick frostbite like it’s ice cream Knowing I’d have to seek urgent care Hold myself real tight, several times during the day Feel the humidity of the shower when I’m bare I’m a mother to my children and myself Lover of trucks, flowers, rose petals, and guns I can stick around for a while
Just because I think it’d be fun.
Like I’m the only one Like I’m the only one Like I’m the only one With moth wings
Like picked out of a hornet’s nest, I painted the walls an ivory-white mixed with peach-pink. You don’t even drive a truck, so why am I so in love With you It must be your character Your calm personality, too I can’t do my own laundry without thinking of how you told me, You would move to Chicago if that was where I was meant to be We planned our future alongside each other With short attention span like honeybees.
Like picked straight out of a hornet’s nest You melted and hardened me like the sap on Sycamore trees. You kept your cards so close Like a wild Siamese A cat scratch disease
Love poem: Skin to teeth, nineteen times (continued)
You’re the kind of guy that – If you hit someone with your car They’ll say it really wasn’t your fault at all I’m the kind of girl That knows to carefully watch the things I may say Even though it all Gets skewed anyway
You can see why I thought we’d be perfect. You can understand why I wanted to work through it I nicked my finger trying to open An Amazon package Got blood stains on my t-shirt and had to change immediately Obviously, you know what they would have to say Sometimes I feel jealous that your life is so black-and-white Because I feel like the clothing one doesn’t want to put away And I have no right to complain My life just turned out this way
When we sat on your couch, and you paused the film To tell me all about work and all the things that you feel, I think I fell in love with you for the seventeenth time And I knew I’d be in love with you for the rest of my life.
Love poem: Skin to teeth, nineteen times (continued)
Because if I accidentally looked down, and hit someone with my car they would probably say that I had planned this all along I don’t wanna sound like a victim, but am I truly wrong? If you were to do quite the same Regardless of which neurotransmitters were on fire in your brain They’d forgive you before you even had the option to apologize Exactly how I did so, so, so many times
Because when I think of that one night, Our entire future flashes right before my eyes You and me and Chicago, the city of my dreams Yet God has other plans He knows what’s right, it seems And so did I because when came the sinking feeling I had the strength to come up for air Am I self-absorbed to say it? Am I no longer a casualty if I own it?
Now I’m driving on the motorway, passing by your place I think I would collapse if I were to see your face. But if you saw mine, You may not even recognize I walk a fine line between being everybody and nobody at the same time
Love poem: Skin to teeth, nineteen times (continued)
I still have visions of us going out I still have thoughts of us dancing together I still have visions of us going out I still have daydreams of us dancing in poor weather
If we were next to each other in the car And if you were to make a mistake, No uncertainty I’d take the blame immediately Because it’s ingrained so deeply within me Written on the inner walls of my veins I’d take the blame
A martyr for nothing A martyr for you and me And now I’m changing course I’m thinking things through a little bit more definitively
I’m on the motorway passing by your place and if I were to see your face I would hopelessly fall in love for the eighteenth time
“Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.” He died for our sins So that I can make peace with mine, For the nineteenth time
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I was holding onto you I was holding onto you There was nothing I could do There was nothing I could do But only to know that I’d forever be helplessly in love with you
My best, world’s best, memories Were me with fingertips And the silly little way you walked My starlight, my noble gas My everything and all I could give inside one celestial collapse I find it impossible How one could not look At your precious face for the last time You were right there You would always be mine
Love poem: Forever holds onto me (continued)
I was holding onto you There was nothing they could do I said keep trying, keep moving I was so not done being with you Every time You looked at me Is laid like concrete in my memory There was nothing they could do And I said, well, keep trying There is no fucking way the love of my life is dying
I cry in the shower Feel like screaming at grocery stores Because you aren’t, in my bed, of course I’m happy It happened So fast
Otherwise I don’t think I would last
And you and I both knew, I couldn’t die before you
Love poem: Forever holds onto me (continued)
I was holding on With my bare arms Holding you like a baby Comforting you like a blanket There was nothing more they could do They promised and I believe them
You and I both know, I could not have died before you Now, it’s nearing May Dear God, what am I to do
Lavender highlighter pens and derivatives of peptides You, sitting across the aristocratic table from me Bruised in a way that only you could contain I need a gold medallion for your table manners, white & yellow daisy in a jar Baby blue periwinkle Bambi dress, dress up for you Hush, I’m trying to study But it feels so lovely The natural light bringing out the specks in your irises
You don’t, really talk too much. You think you do, but you don’t Just enough Tip of my tongue In flames falling all over the sidewalks for you I miss you like white stains on my teeth Think of you wearing turtleneck sweaters in the mountains high up Cylindrical daydreams feel too soft, too hazy to be absorbed readily Sad thing is they only stay dreams Have to keep you far away from me Cos if you were to come close Oh, my baby blue, oh I’d love to really let go I’d love to just let you know.
Love Poem: Why I stay far away from you (continued)
You know I love you so much, I swim like goldfish freed from a little paper cup or a balloon Held by a child, shaken like a madman I want you on the highways, the overlapping freeways that make me lose my mind every time In Texas, in Calabasas, the swing-set of a family home And how I wish I could just plead For you to be the man I falsely believe I know you can be How I know what you need I’d love to just let you know.
Ultimately, I love you and accept you just as you are I wouldn’t change a thing So I have to separate myself You and me in the same room, that’s violence That’s you laughing at how I have no concept of what monopoly is nor how to play any type of card game It’s you making fun of me for the cute things I say and do It’s you making me fall in love with myself even more in a way only tenderness could do And this is why I have to stay far away from you.
Love Poem: Why I stay far away from you (continued)
I was seated in the Victorian chair, studying my amino acids Brought me the worst cup of coffee I ever did have I drank it all – okay, maybe half, I kept looking at you Focusing on your manuscript and I was smiling Jagged edges Confetti for a party that was never thrown Like a mountain goat, I could climb diagonally towards you Swim to you in thunderstorms Tear you apart by looking at you – not once, but twice I’m in love with how you look at me and how you don’t look at me and then you
Look up at me And I’m studying the amino acids Can’t get you out of my head, you’re the worst
A ghost can’t be in a coma But a well-dressed boy is a blessing and a curse
