Sea urchins watch me spin like a landslide Unsure what comes next Not sure if I’ll pull through Lavender sea bed, schools of orange fish with blue stripes I breathe every chemical in, and I’m doing so fine
He doesn’t call to come over I got a dog that comes when called Didn’t expect that to be But it fits me quite nicely She lays against my running shoes As though they belong to the godly Earth Call my mother and tell her I’m doing so fine
Poem: Surveillance footage of Heaven: Continued
You come across as Tender But you’re more violent than the tornados found in Oklahoma, Nebraska, and the South of Dakota The plain states which are far from plain, because the bartender knows your name even before you walk in and order what the masses are having
There is a certain irony to how he shows callousness to the world It so evidently depicts what he tries to hide Myself, I’ve given up staying wide awake to wonder why, As there are lavender flowers with higher powers than standard protocol would lead you to believe I tremble on flat ground, but am most composed where it’s rocky Try to remember what it was like, but my eyeglasses become foggy
A raindrop in the company of a million oak leaves Desperate for its singular, idealized attention
You have to be observant without reading too much into certain things I’ll fade in the summer months, but come up vibrant with the snow in February Callow and shy, but on Neptune the temperature is Humid like a riverbed overflowing with algae Extracted for supplements you find at the natural food store You only walk in because the weather is poor (Doing laundry and then doing laundry again because you’re bored)
Tender spirit Your affection is like Surveillance footage I watch on repeat
This dog comes when called I think this is heaven, after all
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Too beautiful to me, it is The way the truth falls but doesn’t diminish its overwhelming servitude Grief like hollow images and stills To be flawed and fawned with grey embers & soft wax Rolled on Ireland’s greenest pastures My dream garden My avalanche
I wake up endlessly absolving my sins, unraveling for you Tell me what it is you want me to do I’m so aware of what I can and cannot be And I think it’s best you not be there for me I tire in my own sleep
Morning cereal For four in the afternoon You wash over me like an Avalanche Like my dream garden White roses and picket fences, freshly painted Soft tuberose fragrance Dismantling me from within Fabricated and built in great jeopardy Soft and of the finest fabric
I think of you in waterfalls, that I’ve never seen before I ask you to close the door I’m impatient in the mornings but by evening so wrapped up in comatose fiber sheath Toying with my own nerves On purpose Like a fever dream Like ants unscrambled Running out of fear, hiding beneath dust Moving pollen and feathers to their corporate offices
When I pass by you on the street With my kitten heels and utmost softness Try not to Try not to
Go back to your dream garden Your avalanche Beneath dust
Connected by the sheer composition that melts in broad daylight Collectively held at A disadvantage Brought together in the Spring when the ambiance paints a different mood For the dust underneath the conjoining ether Without reserve Still and unenthusiastic Hopeful, yet without meaning
Find me in my personal dream garden When the smoke clears
You know I stopped myself before I could love you But We broke apart And I can’t help but stare At your blank, sad face And the only thing sad about it Is that you’re not afraid to let me go You’re not afraid to let
I tried to wake up But I’m always on the wrong side of the bed We never got to have that night in the hotel We never got to have that heavenly first dance The first and the last pages don’t make me too sad It’s the way the world turns Your fingers latched on Not very tight Like a blouse that’s unloosened A foggy memory that never becomes clear
I’m trying to relive the skyscrapers and unraveling chaos Though all that comes to mind in abstract vision and delusion, Is you screaming in my direction Telling me to stop Telling me to stop Telling me to stop
What makes you so afraid To show love to an unloved person The way you play guitar It makes me so sad It makes me so sad Not for anything do you feel bad Like grey, fallen embers on a cold winter night Even though you’d say you’d never Be there for me Your sovereignty Your power
And I remember you Telling me to stop Telling me to stop Telling me to Telling me to stop
Feeling the things that only I do The distance that separates me from jagged, carbon you In ocean waves, we grasp at what feels familiar What’s underneath us will quench our thirst Yours, preferably Mine, isn’t regarded Unless it’s four in the afternoon & the sun is piercing your nerves Telling you that these antics are your last fatal curse I’m far removed To tell you the truth I do only the things the boldest among us do
I don’t wait until there’s nothing left to take In the distance between your brown eyes And these soft, fallen embers of Victorian blue Crawl back Crawl back Panic attack Mesh and in pieces Forgive me for grieving
All ends in love, and love has its reasons Come find me Come find me Come find me Come find me
It’s so unnerving Like an earthquake on purpose It’s so delectable Like you’ve lost your ability to reason
I’m always portrayed as the one who leaves the throne Gown is disheveled, porcelain skin intact Like an earthquake on purpose Telling me to stop
Feeling the things that only I do What has become of rage has given its way to you
We’re sitting down at a soft-lit diner You’re asking about my old man, the coal miner I think of soft petals when I see you
Your grey truck is parked out front There’s flowers in my hair and flowers in my hands The only arguments we have are about who are the best bands And I always win I always win
You listen to the things I say, like they’re important And your gorgeous pale skin is coming to focus I’m not sure when I want to press the shutter Because I just love looking at you like this Ambivalent Pink kiss Collagen lips I love looking at you like this
This is about the time that I begin to get paranoid But, no My gaze is on you The sky interrupts me into pieces I have nothing to be guilty about I think I’ve got it figured out
I’m madly in heaven; the ocean is crisp The sea makes me forget about the bitter drip Your eyes are magnified
Ambivalent Pink kiss Collagen lips I love looking at you like this
I found myself without inspiration So I didn’t write for weeks I think you know I think you know If I took your hand, where I would lead you to
I have nothing to be guilty about This time around This time around I’m running away from you on the playground I’m running away from you on the playground
Your voice is my new favourite sound I say to you Speak loud
This time around This time around I’m running away from you on the playground Your voice is my new favourite sound Your voice is my new favourite sound
The ocean is crisp I love looking at you like this
I’m a very kind and gracious girl If you let me, I will give you the world But as the brutality of this world continues to unfold My mirror’s edge is veiled, my patience can’t be sold
Give me your garden Make everything quiet I swear I’m prettiest when I’m not lying I won’t give up hoping, I won’t stop trying But it would be a piece of fiction to say I don’t dream of dying
You’re laughing at me My blonde hair blows in the breeze I will prevail, even though they’re dead-set on bringing long-lasting harm to me I see through the trees When I run, you freeze Collapsing in child’s fables isn’t only for the weak Take me with you I want to know what God knows Don’t be scared of the nighttime In the darkest hours, I’m most composed
The more you grow up, the smarter you think you are But in the same circumstances, you always lose yourself I collect hard-cover books of flowers & death spells I know all the wonderful roses by their first and last names I play with my sanity like it’s my favourite win-or-lose game You were always so harsh But me? Oh, so tame Didn’t know how to respond to all the accusations and shame I hate you, I love you It all sounded the same
I’ve decided to take my most loved photo of us down from my shelf I thought it proved we were real The space between you and myself But my mitral valve is still broken, so I can’t afford to inconvenience oneself Though our smiles were true You said it yourself Never seen a girl look at you so warm and heartfelt It hurts now But it didn’t back then Those split seconds repeat in my mind, again and again You were my prince, my most handsome immunogen You said I stunned in my floral dress Dainty and parisienne
I know this frail body wasn’t exactly built to please I’m a young girl too – I have restraint, but I have needs My singleness of purpose is far too remote I tend to break up with boys by posting poems I wrote When I was at my most fragile, I asked you for a rose Your promises were painful because I never got those
But your perseverance to love me will be your best power I stay up wondering how to please you I only sleep a few hours Me at my most tired is me at my most sour How much more beautiful do I need to be, in order to receive a white flower? I’m sort of like a princess stuck at the crown of a tower My father’s hung flyers for the peasants and princes to form a line Some of them have courage Some barely have a spine The common denominator seems to be they’re all trying But if you said it’s to impress me, I’d say that you’re lying
Several days ago, I bought roses To make myself smile I didn’t change the water Just like me, they’re dying
Winters in Chicago were when I felt my most free The wind chill was so strong, I felt it belonged to me It didn’t matter that it was a lake, I still saw it as the sea All I remember are evenings at Argo Tea Feeling happy, just to be me
You must have composure, you must be determined I’m taking care of myself, I’m doing it on purpose The December chill confronts me with things I am sure of Like how spontaneously great heights can collapse Like how the disillusioned are most likely to relapse Like how I felt, true love was almost in my grasp
But as the fog on my window, it visited and then passed It disappeared just like that I’m trying not to react
I’m screaming into my pillow (I’m trying not to react) I’m folding laundry to feel productive (I’m scared of whom I’ll attract) I lied to everybody & said I was fine (I was so scared the whole time) I’m taking every analeptic (I write your name, strike it out with a line)
I picture me in your backyard, Picking grapes off the vine I cried the whole way home, driving past the coastline I thought I didn’t deserve beauty, God doesn’t want me on cloud nine So I hit up your number, Forgot you were atropine And now I’m having trouble sleeping because you aren’t my lifeline I tell you I need you! You say, maybe next time “I’ve got a girl here, she’s helping me escape my mind”
To some people, I’m gorgeous To you, I’m saccharine But everything I am, you will always undermine I’m not your chosen one Never your valentine
I’m the one that treads water Looking for reasons to be alive
If you were safety, you wouldn’t give me your hand You’d sail towards what suits you The palm trees, the sand
I would get tired Give up and drown You wouldn’t say sorry, because you wouldn’t be around
The water obscures my hearing The green-blue current is the only sound I wanted to be loved, the void was what I found But the ocean is my new bliss, so I fade into the background I’m five again, I’ve found my new playground
I would get tired Give up and drown You wouldn’t say sorry, you wouldn’t be around I’m five again, I’ve found my new playground The sea has become my chosen burial ground The green-blue current is the only sound
The void is what I felt, but true love is what I found
