depression poem Archives

Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons)

Nuclear envelopes
A testable hypothesis
Will you still love me if I –
Will you drown me out
Like the noise in a soundproof room
He always said he’d like to go to solitary confinement just to get away
For a honeymoon

Light leaks
Asparagine and leucine
Convoluted sighs and my pink floor-length satin dress
Eating three times on Mondays,
Eating four times, the day after
Consuming enough carbohydrates to be like a plant
A prisoner in your gardener
A wide-awake blooming orchid
Couch that fell from a truck bed onto the motorway
We could just make it ours
Watch the fires and fireflies swarm in the distance
Devouring apricots
A routine for my bedtime

Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]

Letting go of lethargic tendencies
But I don’t have the energy
I’m miserable, with or without you
Have to be the writer of my own memoir, the heroine in my own maladaptive daydreams
That serve me quite well
Like soft serve by the beach
Made from plant-based oat milk & Oreos
I’ll let the sea and the sun and the sky devour me, so I can merge with the ants and
Worry only about my colony
What a dream it’s becoming

Empty head
Empty thoughts
Your Percocet
My writer’s block
I’ve been too, afraid, to put this down on paper
A typewriter with no keys
Hands that swell
Knees that bleed
I know perfectly well
That I’m who you need
Will you be there for me, in the daylight and the evenings?
My handsome prince
Tread carefully
I’m exactly who I aspire to be

Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]

I believe in myself, most of all
Though, the cognitive dissonance gets swept like ashes
At a fireplace
Melting, blurring a reality that you swore was three-dimensional
You vase of a porcelain starlit galaxy
You atmospheric void, claustrophobic from your own apprehension
I’m so in love with every part of you
Especially the pieces you really disdain

I’ll take them in my hands
Like the softest of sand

Poem: Ant colony (birthday balloons) [continued]

I don’t know what to do with all these birthday balloons
The vinyl you bought me, thank you, by the way
You precious thing.
And the things I have to move on from
Tangled in grief-ridden spiderwebs
Merging through lanes with my blinker forever on
I follow all the laws
When the crows are watching, carefully

I’ll let the sea and the sun and the sky devour me, so I can merge with the ants and
Worry only about my colony
What a dream it’s becoming

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Love poem: Forever holds onto me

I was holding onto you
I was holding onto you
There was nothing I could do
There was nothing I could do
But only to know that I’d forever be helplessly in love with you

My best, world’s best, memories
Were me with fingertips
And the silly little way you walked
My starlight, my noble gas
My everything and all I could give inside one celestial collapse
I find it impossible
How one could not look
At your precious face for the last time
You were right there
You would always be mine

Love poem: Forever holds onto me (continued)

I was holding onto you
There was nothing they could do
I said keep trying, keep moving
I was so not done being with you
Every time
You looked at me
Is laid like concrete in my memory
There was nothing they could do
And I said, well, keep trying
There is no fucking way the love of my life is dying

I cry in the shower
Feel like screaming at grocery stores
Because you aren’t, in my bed, of course
I’m happy
It happened
So fast

Otherwise
I don’t think
I would last

And you and I both knew, I couldn’t die before you

Love poem: Forever holds onto me (continued)

I was holding on
With my bare arms
Holding you like a baby
Comforting you like a blanket
There was nothing more they could do
They promised and I believe them

You and I both know, I could not have died before you
Now, it’s nearing May
Dear God, what am I to do

This time last year,
I still had you.

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