Tag: about a boy

Love poem: Perfectly real (really perfect)

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Love poem: Perfectly real (really perfect)

Suddenly
The impetus is on me
To be perfect, so perfect, for you again
Satin & lavender bedsheets
Fresh clothes from the dryer
Neurons that synapse when the clock resets

But I can’t
Withstand
Dissonance
I can’t
Bear to
Live with regret
I can’t
Break free from
This tangled fishnet
The wire digging its claws directly into my spine

Disengagement when separated
Disregarded how you said maybe
Perhaps it’s my own agenda that
I failed to write out in black ink
My own handwriting looks foreign to me
The flowers in my apartment have finished dying
I closed the curtains, but someone is waiting
To see me burn out like I’ve been on fire this whole time

Carving my name into my solitude
Changing the location of a confined venue
I don’t like this dress
Don’t like how I look in it
Want you to tell me I inspire you to stop playing make-believe
Wish you would bring me roses & be gentle with me
Not let me lose any more sleep

I’m not really writing
I’m scared of defining
How lazy I’ve gotten at building my self-esteem
The ships are all sinking
The pilot keeps blinking
& the leftovers have spoiled because real things are only real in real time

So I hit “unsend”
Spend the afternoon in my garden
Playing with my own hair, saying your name to myself

I can’t even ask you
What you meant when you said nothing
Because I know myself to get in the way of what could be

I’ll trace my ashes
In long cylinder glasses
Faking a proof-of-concept of a girl who takes pride in the way she carries herself

Now I’m scared of writing
Because I don’t like what I see
And that holds far too much meaning to me

I’m sick of trying
To act like I haven’t been
Crying myself to sleep

Tell me I’m perfect
Say that you missed me
Step into my four-chambered studio where the pianos lack keys
& the guitars have no strings
We can dissolve into anything we want life to be

Tell me you missed me
Without lying to me
Tell me I’m perfect
Because you can see how I dream
Tell me you loved how
I didn’t seem desperate
To find in my own self what you’ve found in yours

I’ll rearrange my bedroom
Work on shifting my patterns
So that the stillness in your settings can bleed into me

Tell me I’m perfect
Without lying to me
Reach for me when I’m drowning
In my make-believe sea
Allow me to realize there’s more to let go of
More in life to make sense of
More in this life to see

When you’ve regained stability
Found blue-green lakes filled with clarity
Then, you can come back to me

I’ll be in my garden
Telling myself
That I don’t have to be perfect to be something real

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Love poem: Red t shirt

distantcaveLeave a comment

Love poem: Red t shirt

Drawing soft pink porcelain dolls
Make every word of yours important
If you’re speaking with purpose
The chaos in this dark room
It makes me nervous
But when I’m touching you
Like peach pink amphetamines
You push something onto me that makes me breathe

For a second there
For just a minute
I lost my breath

For just a second there
For quite a minute
I’ve become oblivious

I get excited for a hot second
Come out with guns blazing
So self-aware, peach pit
You like the way I serenade you
Dance around you in top-secret chambers
Untold, leaving it untold
Don’t get anything for free
Write whatever I want
It’s my heart, I forgot
It’s my heart, I forgot
You make me soft

Put some Salsa on and I’ll show you my moves
What I keep in my medicine cabinet
I’m made of Cabernet red
I’ll drink you in three sips
Balsamic vinaigrette
Anything that rhymes with your safety net
I’m lying by the pool
God I feel so cool
Looking at you
Cabernet red

I’m kicking and screaming
I don’t want you to spend the night
Yeah, I’ll be alright
I’m kicking and screaming
Introverted
I don’t want you to stay the night
I’m kicking and screaming
Introverted
Red t shirt

You don’t make me nervous
I have these soft lips
Amphetamines for fingertips
Intoxicating, isn’t it

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Poem: Drowning

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Poem: Drowning

Minnesota in the hot, hot sun
I’ll write a memoir, like I’m a film star
Like my words are fiber nectar & galvanized tar
I wish I could join the assembly line
Not to find out, not to decay, but to come out bright white & crystal, grey clay
To become transparent in the grand scheme of things
Be able to extrapolate meaning from my own devices
Tell you how I find human beings so lifeless
Wrapped up in their due process of mind
Fingertips on roses, your hands on the arched back that is mine
Fever dreams
Amphetamines

I know the road is farther than it seems
I’ve seen the bitter resemblance of what’s paved underneath
My eyes blur, I can’t see, I can’t see a thing
Wouldn’t you like to have a dance with refined me?
I’m mesmerized by nothing at all
Nobody pays attention to what I want them to pay attention to
I’m violent, I got this, I’m gutless, I’m thinner than the fabric
Screaming my insides out, I’ll eat you alive
Won’t find me on your bedside
You said, you said
You said, you said
Your goodbyes so hazily
Tell me, how do you wish to be portrayed?
When they paint you wrong, are you dismayed?
What are you proud to take to the grave?
I’m taking the dreams I made

I have this one song, I get a lot of meaning from it
The way it blankets me in security and
A freedom I’ve never found in a single human being
They’re tar-stained, they’re charcoal remnants
They’ll gaslight you and then say that you’re gaslighting them in return
The apprehension is near, I told you the car was far away
I didn’t see it coming my way
Somehow I didn’t mind
I had this dream, I saw the glass-slipper ball gown
The one I wore when
You said, I swore, you said
You said, I swore it, I swore you said
Wouldn’t be there
Star-crossed lovers
Awake with hesitation
Marvel at my presentation
Scattered in assembly, grief like parasites
Do you know anyone who sees you in the right & softest light?

I’m thinner than fabric, I’m tougher than fossil fuels
If it’s confusing, it’s only confusing to you
Me – I know what’s going on
Write you a grocery list of things to bring
A sustainable sparkle, a delicate sapphire
An element of surprise to add to the details and decor
Horrors of society seem to fade when we turn the television on

Melt me like aspartame in Coca Cola
Ignite a funeral home
Tell me what you find transparent
Covered in frost, I’m not vaguely processed
I’m rarely understood and I think I know why
I think this life is mine to apprehend and find
I lose my keys over and over again on purpose
Locked out so I can write
But I thought you said, I thought you said
But I thought you said, I thought you said

I have this one song that makes me feel more like myself than anything else
I play it on repeat because I’m sick of hearing about my diminishing health
Drown out the noise, fiber-glass, can’t see, my vision blurs
The ocean is my lord & savior
I’m not even surprised by their behavior
The evidence is real because it’s written on parchment paper

It always ends
It always ends like this
I’m in the shower, white roses and pink carnations, I feel true bliss
You’d be obsolete
In a thousand years
We’re connected by the fabric
The sheer and hazy stillness
Do it on the daily
Hate you a little, just maybe
Match my evening glow

If you hate me, that’s not a well thought-out decision
You have your fears and I have this one song
That makes me feel more like myself than I’ve ever felt before
And I play it
I play it all day long
When the noise drowns me out, I sing along
You wouldn’t say, you wouldn’t say
Anything to conclude the grime and the dirt you brought to my doorstep
A cave’s internal diameter
A concave, arching sky
The exact shade of your brown eyes
My skin is softest on the tops of my thighs

I don’t hate anyone
I don’t hate anything
I don’t hate anyone
There’s just nothing left to sink
Drowning in the deep end because in the water I’m completely occupying my body
I don’t hate anyone
I don’t hate anything
I’ll let the water have me, on purpose, on purpose

Does drowning make you nervous?
Does real love make you hesitate?

Does drowning make you nervous?
Does real love make you hesitate?
Does drowning make you hesitate?

Does real love make you nervous?

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Love poem: May birthdays

distantcaveLeave a comment

Love poem: May birthdays

May is the month of Springtime flowers
But when you leave, the atmosphere is sour
And I’m alarmed
That you don’t believe in a higher power
When it’s sitting across the table from you

I was listening to a podcast where a guy said he went on a date with a woman that was exactly “his type,” so to speak, & he was driving home realizing he couldn’t pursue her because he didn’t want to fall into the same old patterns.

I thought of that statement when I saw you angrily crushing the buttons on your phone
That you call “a stupid machine”
Just like he did
Unreasonably angry in disregard for how beautifully my lilac, dreamlike eye shadow was blurred upon my bare eyelids
Not suited for the evening where we were supposed to celebrate your birthday
Which felt more important to me, than to you
I’d spent the previous evening looking for the most suitable birthday card in the CVS pharmacy that’s a few neighborhoods away, imagining they had better cards than the one several streets away from my residence
Half-wondering if you would display it
Half-knowing it’d be tucked away in a drawer

Do I want to be that girl?
Do I want my eye-shadow to go unnoticed?
Or the sparkle in my eyes to be diminished when you’re preoccupied with something external to yourself?
Do I want to write questions instead of statements on my own poetry website where love is the theme and I’m somehow not the main character?

Hollow and concave
Rich with vengeance
Who your enemy is, is probably unknown to you, me, or the population at large
But the gap I fill, gets bigger every day
But my body does not
So I sit in it, hardly occupying the space
That I wish I could cover like a desert storm would

Unreasonably empty for the evening
Watching you almost punch your steering wheel
Is this where chaos lands me
Is this the dream that I have been chasing down
Like I’m unsure of myself
Don’t know what to do with myself
Have gotten beside myself

Sitting at my desk
Writing, waiting
Wondering what my father would say
If he knew my teenage antics
At my sharp age of near-thirty

Every woman has a man that brings her down to a lower degree
I don’t want to know who I am beneath
The sweet girl I am when I get ready by seven in the evening
To celebrate a birthday that is more important to me, than to you

May is the month of Springtime flowers
But when you leave, the atmosphere is sour
And I’m alarmed
That you don’t believe in a higher power
When it’s sitting across the table from you

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Love poem in blue: Like doves

distantcaveLeave a comment

Love poem in blue: Like doves

I can tell
I can tell in my own poetry
When I’m slipping into cracks
In the asphalt
The rendition of your worst dreams – concave nightmares
Existing perfectly intertwined in cooler but violet & violent, amber tones
Softly, gazing
Haphazardly
Barely awake and hardly credible
Flashes of cyanide to intoxicate the evening and ruin the damage that’s in disarray
So perfect, it all always seems to be

Somehow I’m always awake when you are
Or you’re always awake when I am
Or we catch each other at the right times

Like doves passing muted harmonies back and forth
Into the night

Thank you for reading the shortest poem I’ve ever written. You can donate to my work here: paypal.me/LilacDoveCA