I Feel Dangerously Close To losing all the control I never had to begin with, in a heartbeat I wanted to Laugh Wearing a wedding dress On my patio with a cup of tea And all the melancholy from January would have been swept away like last year’s rain The lack thereof which drenched my city with fire
The ashes smelled Comforting To those who were not affected
Poem: Boiling water (January) [continued]
Like a campfire In the forest I think I was about seven or nine When I last went to bed on time I’ve been trying to take care Of an anarchist’s body Melted my hand on crystals of aspartame
I think We do Or do not Belong Where we think We currently Are And that Is not A song I want To write.
Poem: Boiling water (January) [continued]
I don’t like ambivalence in others But certainty to me fits a stepwise fashion I check my email now, dad, are you proud I can see the way she looks at me and I hate it Can’t change it It’s like I’m decaying I wanted to make January so beautiful that it would make angels cry Oh my goodness, I tried I miss seeing you all alive I’d laugh at your jokes a million more times Join you guys in the swimming pool because Body insecurity Takes the form of a guilt trip When you missed out on the life they’re missing out on now
The ashes smelled Comforting To those who were not affected
Now I sit on the grass near my patio With an empty cup Because I never actually managed to heat the water.
I’m alone in a garden I been alone here all of my life Won’t you save me from Won’t you save me from
Feeling bitter, feeling warm Wrapped up in a blanket through the night I like the smell of blowing out a candle Keep the fireplace on just for the light You could find me downstairs Interwoven with a dictionary in hand So that I could find new words To explain how I’ve been trapped
Someone somewhere is watching my back I can’t call out by the river because it refracts the sound Bends in ways Like donut glaze I subtract me from you when I take some space I don’t need it I don’t want it You made me like this In soft lavender and harsh footsteps You made me face it
Love poem: Long-distance (continued)
Frozen strawberry Smiling at you with raspberries on my fingertips I spilled oat milk It streamed down my fridge Made a puddle on the floor that I crawled into To spend some time with the ground Press my ear to the wood to hear the underneath sounds You had no idea Bringing daisies to my doorstep Would fill me up just enough to Let some of the sadness leak out
I do need it I do want it You, with your arms around me even when I’m not cold Heater on in the truck Playing with the ballerina-slipper pink roses you got me I do need it I do want it Otherwise, I’d be lying to myself
Love poem: Long-distance (continued)
But I’m so terribly afraid of What it means to want to get close to someone whose
Distant
I’m going to let this go Don’t want to let it get between us
Love poem: Long-distance (continued)
As long as you Care For me
As long as you’re There For me
I won’t let it get between us
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If you couldn’t tell If you couldn’t tell If you couldn’t tell
I’m spinning around like I’m in the dryer at a laundromat The ladies and gentlemen walk by They don’t check up on me like that Now I don’t even remember how To get you to react It seems like my silence Is doing enough for the pact
Poem: Noise (continued)
Now how come you can’t tell How come you can’t tell
That one of my favourite artists dropped an album All I really thought about was you Listening to each track on the record Thinking of you punching your fist through the wall That we had just painted And me, jaw on the floor Incredibly amazed at What I had created
Poem: Noise (continued)
If you couldn’t tell Now how come you couldn’t tell
I’d go sit at your desk, like a little doll Spin around in circles in your armchair Feeling faint And small You liked calling me that Made you feel something too I think it should be the other way, But I feel so indebted to you
Poem: Noise (continued)
Now how come I couldn’t tell How come I couldn’t see Everything that we did Had really nothing to do with me Now how come I couldn’t tell How come I couldn’t feel Everything that we did None of it was very real
I step outside Of the curtain lining To tell you the truth But you’ve already gone to work
I step outside To my midsummer garden Cos it’s all about myself In my own little world
And in my opinion, it wasn’t meant to be I see it in the palms of my hands See it in the trees But looking at past daydreams I so wanted it to be A universe where things could work out for me (playing the victim?)
Poem: Haunted (continued)
In the grand scheme of things They’re always listening Don’t pay much attention to it cos I spend my days dreaming Future apartments with bay windows New acrylic nail salons Runs with my dog on Lake Shore Drive
You could have just told me Though you did in your own way I made sure to Curl up in a blanket I didn’t cry at first But then the weekend came I was tangled and interwoven into you and me again
You should have just Taken it out on me You should’ve just – You should’ve just – But you stopped yourself. I don’t get how You didn’t take it out on me You should’ve – You should’ve – But you stopped yourself.
Poem: Haunted (continued)
In an arboretum I found truly my favourite flowers Next few hours, you grew so bored, I thought you would fall straight into your hands The thorns from the castle drains would Stop to tell you that This wasn’t exactly Part of her plan. I grew quite timid Wasn’t born to be an alarm clock So I let you sleep the next day while I did my own thing The thing was, it was my birthday And anyone knows that can have meaning So it isn’t worth the frame-worked lawsuit The heavy weight in my mind
You shouldn’t have Taken it out on me I thought we were different people Living new lives, so it seemed. You shouldn’t have chosen To take it out on me I thought we had become new In the grand scheme of things.
Poem: Haunted (continued)
Fortune surrounds you So I’m in a blanket Wishing you well in skyscraper heaven. If you turned around, To retrieve your belongings –
My apartment would be empty, But it would still be haunted.
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Like picked out of a hornet’s nest, I painted the walls an ivory-white mixed with peach-pink. You don’t even drive a truck, so why am I so in love With you It must be your character Your calm personality, too I can’t do my own laundry without thinking of how you told me, You would move to Chicago if that was where I was meant to be We planned our future alongside each other With short attention span like honeybees.
Like picked straight out of a hornet’s nest You melted and hardened me like the sap on Sycamore trees. You kept your cards so close Like a wild Siamese A cat scratch disease
Love poem: Skin to teeth, nineteen times (continued)
You’re the kind of guy that – If you hit someone with your car They’ll say it really wasn’t your fault at all I’m the kind of girl That knows to carefully watch the things I may say Even though it all Gets skewed anyway
You can see why I thought we’d be perfect. You can understand why I wanted to work through it I nicked my finger trying to open An Amazon package Got blood stains on my t-shirt and had to change immediately Obviously, you know what they would have to say Sometimes I feel jealous that your life is so black-and-white Because I feel like the clothing one doesn’t want to put away And I have no right to complain My life just turned out this way
When we sat on your couch, and you paused the film To tell me all about work and all the things that you feel, I think I fell in love with you for the seventeenth time And I knew I’d be in love with you for the rest of my life.
Love poem: Skin to teeth, nineteen times (continued)
Because if I accidentally looked down, and hit someone with my car they would probably say that I had planned this all along I don’t wanna sound like a victim, but am I truly wrong? If you were to do quite the same Regardless of which neurotransmitters were on fire in your brain They’d forgive you before you even had the option to apologize Exactly how I did so, so, so many times
Because when I think of that one night, Our entire future flashes right before my eyes You and me and Chicago, the city of my dreams Yet God has other plans He knows what’s right, it seems And so did I because when came the sinking feeling I had the strength to come up for air Am I self-absorbed to say it? Am I no longer a casualty if I own it?
Now I’m driving on the motorway, passing by your place I think I would collapse if I were to see your face. But if you saw mine, You may not even recognize I walk a fine line between being everybody and nobody at the same time
Love poem: Skin to teeth, nineteen times (continued)
I still have visions of us going out I still have thoughts of us dancing together I still have visions of us going out I still have daydreams of us dancing in poor weather
If we were next to each other in the car And if you were to make a mistake, No uncertainty I’d take the blame immediately Because it’s ingrained so deeply within me Written on the inner walls of my veins I’d take the blame
A martyr for nothing A martyr for you and me And now I’m changing course I’m thinking things through a little bit more definitively
I’m on the motorway passing by your place and if I were to see your face I would hopelessly fall in love for the eighteenth time
“Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.” He died for our sins So that I can make peace with mine, For the nineteenth time
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