Poem: Cushion-cut sparkles & your vinyl on my wall

My favorite time in Chicago is when it snows

The happiest, the saddest

My father never met my lover

Wash my soft, graceful face with rosewater
He never told anybody but I know I was his favorite daughter
We weren’t the kind to shop in departments
Me and my collages, alone in my apartment
The brick wall where I hung your vinyl cover
That I took on polaroid
In the Spring

Every birthday of mine is spent at a rose garden
Didn’t catch your last insult, I beg your pardon?
I’m decaying slowly
Can everyone tell?
A marine biologist
Tall, and bright in his field
Who only owns one plastic shell
He says the real things – they never actually sell
A set of crucifixes, medium-well
You cheat on your wife, your friends never tell

 


I’d never depart

I loved to love you; you loved to be loved by me

I remember when.

Keepsakes
My engagement ring
Beloved thing
Almost died, how beautiful of a Spring
I love diamonds, yes I do
The shine, the glamour
Reminds me of somebody I think about being
But have no route to that sort of life
See the deep amber skies
Can’t ever tell if people are saying hello or their final goodbyes
I’ve got the most beautiful green eyes
But a boy never told me that
And I don’t ever expect one to
I just read about it in the novels
Jane Austen, Aldous Huxley
Mansfield Park, Charlotte Bronte
Things fall apart
Oh yeah
Things
Fall
Apart

In the mirror, I look so strange

Most scathing dissection of the hollowness
That American society barely trembles on
Dystopian but generic
I hate to speak out loud
Hate that irreversible girl sound
Hypnotic, devastating
Tell me I’m hopelessly divine!
I think I lost my tablet –
The great tragedy of our time!

I picked out my children’s names
Then decided to never conceive
Unless my husband said please
Chest to ground, down on his knees

When my lost love proposed to me
I had one beautiful engagement ring
Later that season
He said goodbye to me
I sold it for free

We shall part like the sea
As if it was ever to be
I would’ve died happily

I would’ve died gratefully

 

I would have died fulfilled and free
The lost art of caring for me


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Semi-automatic (dorsal fins)

Pastel colors soothe me
Boys, they think they can use me
I’m wearing the dainty lace
You dropped at the end of my bed
Won’t you take a look at me instead?

Your golden glow is irrational
My love for this country is national
I can always taste liquor on your tongue
I hope you don’t think you’re still alive and young
The roaring twenties have just begun
Touch me like I’m warmer than the sun
Do you trust me to hold on to your semi-automatic handgun

I have a habit of making boys cry
I’ve no idea, I don’t even try
Your living room is smothered in country beige
I’ve come in from the back-house with soft, grey sage
My little author, I see you’ve only written half a page
It’s alright to be shy when you’re at this stage

Bears and beers, so the license plate says
I’m a pretty girl so I’m the server in this place
We go out at night, spot tails and dorsal fins
Ride until I feel my eyes caving in

A lost canyon when I once knew
That I don’t want my little boy to grow up just like you
So I did what all of the other mariners do,

I drowned you.

Abscess (God)

I broke my favorite CD while I was opening it
Because of my fake nails
Imagining better versions of you
My ways of moving on, they fail
I’ll tell you a crystal-clear tale
One you’ll save for the books
A story about how much I miss my father
The one who blessed me with good looks
My mother too – but now she grieves
We encounter noone but liars and thieves
I like how I’m surrounded by crisp Autumn leaves.
No time to dream.

I recall a beautiful lullaby
It was his very own way of saying goodbye
I still wonder why.
My hands shake as I type
I’m so lost in this mess
I’m watching you swell like a grimy abscess
Call a cab.

Social disturbances
I fade into obscurity
Nobody reads my poetry
I know I won’t live until my thirties
I wasn’t made for this world
It gets more clear every day
I wake up with bruises
Impossible to wash away
God made me this way.

Decay
Decay
Decay
Decay

God tells me to stay.

Your needs (horrifying)

Inside of you there’s something horrifying that nobody can touch
I’ve seen it
I’ve felt it
It was inescapable because I loved you so much
I’d crumble straight into dust
And you’d put on your yellow gloves
And do what you do
You get rid of me
Dark charcoal clouds of animosity
For what?

Your fear of being too much
For one person
Because you know how hard you can crush a girl like me like stained glass
A vase that’s been holding your freshest flowers and keeping them alive for a year
Blended into the scenery
You, unimpressed with the blooming
Coming home, everyday fuming
White roses on Cherry Ave
I loved that day, how about you

Emergency calls
Getting so mad you punch holes in my walls
Loved you so much I didn’t mind
Loved you so much I paid the fine
I let it go every single time
You were gone when you were mine
Loved you so much I thought things were fine
Loved you so much with or without the wine
You didn’t believe me

You didn’t need me
You needed
Help

My birthday

I went to a rose garden on my birthday
And the beach
I thought of you

White, tender flowers
Softer than soft can be
Soft, just like me
Quiet and still
A few moments until
The rain came down, it spilled

I was at the beach on my birthday
The tide was thin but sweet
I was walking, bare feet
Didn’t have my bathing suit on
So I undressed to my bra
Didn’t have much makeup on
Crisp in the flesh

I was born on that day
The day of surprise
Sand stuck to my thighs
No deceit, and no lies
It was nice to be there
So nice to be there
With you unaware
It was my sweetest birthday