I was holding onto you I was holding onto you There was nothing I could do There was nothing I could do But only to know that I’d forever be helplessly in love with you
My best, world’s best, memories Were me with fingertips And the silly little way you walked My starlight, my noble gas My everything and all I could give inside one celestial collapse I find it impossible How one could not look At your precious face for the last time You were right there You would always be mine
Love poem: Forever holds onto me (continued)
I was holding onto you There was nothing they could do I said keep trying, keep moving I was so not done being with you Every time You looked at me Is laid like concrete in my memory There was nothing they could do And I said, well, keep trying There is no fucking way the love of my life is dying
I cry in the shower Feel like screaming at grocery stores Because you aren’t, in my bed, of course I’m happy It happened So fast
Otherwise I don’t think I would last
And you and I both knew, I couldn’t die before you
Love poem: Forever holds onto me (continued)
I was holding on With my bare arms Holding you like a baby Comforting you like a blanket There was nothing more they could do They promised and I believe them
You and I both know, I could not have died before you Now, it’s nearing May Dear God, what am I to do
I saw, I saw that you were beckoning for the sea (Told me you couldn’t swim, told me you couldn’t swim) I stood there, pink ribbons in my hair, on an off-white, paint-faded ship Thinking oh man, oh man He thinks I’m going to dive in and save him
When I unravel, I am Terrified Of turning into you I spit and scratch the walls so loud I’m scared the world Is made of you I stick my tongue out At the wrong crowd Oh my god, I’m so alone I come bleeding To the ER They say, I should just go home
I don’t want this to stop Me from meeting someone That would love bringing me flowers By my bedside when I deeply sleep I’ll never wake up To daffodils If you’re staying up late Working on your manuscript
I hate your brown eyes Because that’s my type I don’t want this to stop Me from meeting someone I stick my tongue out At the wrong crowd Oh my god, I felt so completely alone I stared at My stupid phone Like a teen Like a naive little Teen
I secretly, I secretly think you liked it all along Pulling me left just to wreck the boat Spilling my champagne and me nervously blaming it On the musculature of my skeletal framework What a girl, what awful weather To spend with someone who’s complaining, had me thinking, “this is actually my favourite kind” Lightning bolts When the sky collapses like it’s angry And bitter Writing poetry Months after I secretly, I secretly think you adore all of this You’d throw me to the eels if I didn’t know how to swim
But it was you deep down under the pouring, crashing waves Tormenting your most refined, well-calculated grace And I am one of the best swimmers this Earth has ever seen But there came a moment where I could no longer see Then, I could breathe, and you couldn’t hate me for it So in love with the delusional chaos of the ocean Oh, you hate it, oh, you must hate it That I have a God that knows my full name
You think religion is a brainwashing force Well, I think you over-dry your skin-tight clothes I ran so hard I almost collapsed, and I started to laugh So free, so free, should have seen me finally feel so free Not attached to memories Oh, you must hate it That I can be my own blanket That I can be a saviour That I don’t need a faux promise or a parched favour
I saw you, perched over, frightened of the waves You said let’s just leave, save this for another day I pushed you in because I trusted the Earth To swallow you whole and make you Comfortable
That was a battle I truly lost But God loves me, oh, you must have forgot
You must have forgot, What a terrible thought That I can be taken care of by something that’ll cleanse my brain
I am, a dandelion that’s losing its ligules A dandelion on the street Stepped on, on repeat – bracing the wind, but falling apart Missing my roots Crying because I won’t be in a vehicle with my father ever again But the koala-grey sidewalk embraces me like its only friend
Gasping, breaking, compact but fragile – for eternity Not asking anyone to save me Because rap songs taught me that’s commonly dismissed Neglected and disposed of (Why am I so delicate?) I breathe it and I love it, but God please help me, I’m exasperated I wear my orthodox cross like it’s the most expensive diamond given to a queen Nobody ever suspects a thing
Love poem: Fell back in love with myself (continued)
A guy once bought me, the most beautiful fiddle leaf fig tree That I picked out, of course Girl knows her houseplants My bedroom lacked the sunshine to keep my baby alive I wept on the floor staring at its fallen brown pieces Feeling like I was one of them Breaking for eternity Shrivelling up and no longer green, but serene I swallow the ground whole with my desire to love more than I ever have before Time, and time, again.
You know, a girl, who truly loves flowers Never “gets used” to receiving them Each time is special, savoured, like those commercials with women and chocolate I stop walking every few feet to capture a flower One day, a boy said to me, “do you have to stop every time” That was the end of him and I Of course, I do That’s what happens when you’re in love with white, pink, red, yellow, and blue The colours dash through your mind when you’re not scrolling on your phone Remembering the hydrangeas from Venice Beach The sunset blooms at the rose garden at the museum where you spent your birthday in your own solid company Breaking in composite structures Swallowing the rose petals on the ground
Love poem: Fell back in love with myself (continued)
The dandelions on the street Say something on repeat
They love me, they live through me They engulf quite the vast part of me And every piece of their frail self that flies away with the breeze Becomes deeply embedded within me And I love it, like cotton I roll it, like marbles If I’m ever, forgotten
I hope botany never is
Love poem: Fell back in love with myself (continued)
I know a girl That will never “get used” to flowers So endlessly abundant but single-handedly make this life worth it
They love me, they love me They live right through me I walk on the concrete Looking for myself
I think we’re Not getting too wrapped up I’ll get up soon To turn the microwave off
I think we’re Naturally not too wrapped up I’ll get up later To turn the microwave off
I scratched my leg violently on rose thorns As if I would ever mind It’s been a long time since Brown eyes, green eyes I hate when they turn hazel Like an olive tree Park my car on Chestnut avenue It’s a longer walk but I like the name Burn it to see embers Collect street signs All the rose thorns in the world are allowed to scratch me In fact, I’ll invite them with bliss Using long, Bambi eyelashes
Not a love poem: Olive tree (take your pick) [continued]
I think you would be Friends with the quarterback I never cared about football We could make fun of The way they drop the ball (Again!) Wearing their jerseys’ cos we like the material So supportive What a team effort I clench my hands together because otherwise I think I’m going to lose my mind
I never really understood the concept of romance Is it you buying me a vegan strawberry milkshake? Dirt on my face at the park and you think I look pretty? I have thousands of songs I’ve been dying to share With somebody They mean Too much to me To share, though So I’ll Keep them to myself Out of bad habit I’m the bad habit
Not a love poem: Olive tree (take your pick)[continued]
Show up late and get there just on time I wouldn’t get through security clearance with that Type of ambivalence I could Make a rosebud dream Of grabbing me from the interior and Turning me inside out So the world could know I wouldn’t get through security clearance like this
Not a love poem: Olive tree (take your pick) [continued]
What’s that? Is that romance You getting me a vegan strawberry milkshake? That I put in the fridge To enjoy my second half the very next day Laughing to myself Sharp edges soften My shampoo smells lovely I can’t get through security clearance like this
An olive tree Okay, I’ll be an olive tree If you pick me Okay, I’ll be an olive tree If you choose me
We were watching King of the Hill And oh my God, I miss your laugh The gleam in your off-shadow hazel eyes I want it to come right back I wish we could go back in time to having everything That was really all I wanted You- I will never know, the records you don’t share with company The places you go when you fall sleep
I wanted, to lay down my study materials On your teenage-flannel-style twin bed My God, I miss the whiteboard on your wall Reading all the strange things you write in your childlike handwriting I felt reserved over a handful minus one of four nights Held them damn near so close I would get tongue-tied, just trying to make conversation with a cashier at the grocery store
Behind my eyes, blinking – in time-lapse frames Your smile like a diamond without that discomforting glare You were my centrepiece, and I was quiet as a soft stone, and I liked that Not yet realizing how far-fetched it was of a thought that I could keep you Where you are And be there, too (Just a thought)
Love poem: Asleep (daylight) [continued]
Oh my God, you swallowed me whole I looked forward to the weekend like I never had in my teenage years All I ever did back then, was dance around my living room like I had friends You widened my gaze and we created our own place Where teenage-flannel for a thirty-something was awfully inviting and I Never cared or considered that you weren’t romantic My God, I loved being with you Like I was of no importance You took centre stage and you painted me a grave It looked just like it does in the magazines
You went down, so far down There was no way to follow you I would have, if I could have Was not under the impression that a few bad days would turn into half a decade Panic attacks because I couldn’t reach down and grab you Shake you, wake you Get you out of this rancid, deeply isolating dream Say something like, hey, (maybe this is really nothing)
It wouldn’t have helped Because my wishes were far-fetched
Love poem: Asleep (daylight) [continued]
But to this day, I don’t know if you’ll make it To be like what you created When you first said hello to me, “So, um, who are you?” So, so, so, so, so in love with you (Are you kidding me?)
Fresh piece of pastel paint It’s archaic – the cinema is I remember, we were watching a movie I got so scared You made fun of me with distant disposition and cruelty In that split second, I developed this pit in my stomach That you no longer were capable of comforting me Whatever pulled me towards you in the beginning, was not based on effort The film was playing, and I felt like crying Crawled to the kitchen and wanted to crawl out of the window So terrified of what had become of a bruised reality
Image generated for me using DALL-E by Erik Huerta (@Erikismissing on Instagram)
Love poem: Asleep (daylight) [continued]
Can never get right, on paper The hypnotic daze that expands in my most cherished memories “So, um, who are you?” So attached to that phrase Teenage-minded girl Hopeful in a self-defeating mannerism It leads me to wonder It keeps me awake
What if it was a dream? What if it was all fake? Best Cabernet Sauvignon I’ve ever had in my life I could have slept for days
We were watching our favourite show And oh my God, I miss your laugh Waking up to you, hiding from daylight Should have ripped off the curtains and made you face it
Love poem: Asleep (daylight) [continued]
Please Come back To this life
There is A girl Who cares
But I can’t come down That far To meet you Where you sleep
In shallow pools, I still grieve There is nobody to wake me
