Poem: Kind sentiments

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Poem: Kind sentiments

I wish I could tell you, that it’s killing me
All of these unborn strawberries
Trying to get sunlight with some vitamin D
Wishing I could fall asleep with you holding me

Ambivalence is the trademark of all heartbreak
It ignores the sweetness that my coffee tastes like
I’m taking care of my own well-being
But there are shameful parts of me that you have seen
If only we could stand
Right outside
Sun rays beating down on the asphalt ground
Could have flowers in my hands
You, laughing quietly
Because we get along better than anything

Poem: Kind sentiments(continued)

Everything beautiful in my surroundings
Seems so fleeting to me now
I watch the little ducks
As they awkwardly call out
My friend told me to distract myself
But that’s not how I operate
In my dreams, I see you standing outside your car, at my front gate.

I wish I could tell you, exactly how I feel
But you have more pressing matters for which to deal
So I write kind notes to myself
Tape them onto my bedroom mirror
Say these things out loud
Choose confidence to fight the fear

Poem: Kind sentiments (continued)

I want
To curl up
Into
A little ball
Just like my foster dog
Where I am safe
And warm
And small

And these kinds of things don’t hurt at all.

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Love poem: In this form (trembling)

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Love poem: In this form (trembling)

Do I want love to make me feel better
Yeah, maybe that’s true
My hands tremble even when I type
Do I want to show you how good I look in that sweater
Yeah, perhaps that’s true
My voice trembles when I speak out loud

I don’t want to hide my sadness, dark caves, or anxiety
My hands tremble even when I write
I know you don’t want me to be anyone else
But could you want me back
When this is my form
I try more and more every day
To stand tall & make my parents proud
But I miss the mark
Still pour my heart out anyway

Love poem: In this form (trembling) [continued]

Do you want me to be me
When this is my form
Have a hard feeling you’ll be saying goodbye
I’m too aware to not know the reasons why
But isn’t it kind of cute that my hands shake
Even when I am doing nothing at all

We could pick strawberries
When the season arrives
Because even though this is my form
I look so beautiful when I’m pleasantly surprised
Can you think of why
I don’t want you to know me by
My unwashed dishes and unfolded clothes
I just want to make you smile

Love poem: In this form (trembling) [continued]

When this is my form
I just want to help you breathe
I know how to put others first
While also taking care of me
I know you don’t see the Christmas lights
I’ve kept up to bring myself joy
But can you take me in this form
And be the most patient boy

I don’t want to say goodbye
I think only I know the reason why
I won’t say it out loud
Because my voice trembles when I speak

Love poem: In this form (trembling) [continued]

Can I say it anyway
Can I say it soon
Can I say it now
Can I say it at noon
Can I say it anyway
Can I say it at noon
Before you decide
To do what you wanted to do

I think I’ve said it now
Yeah, maybe that’s true
I even got my nails painted
Picked out my outfit for you

I think I’ve said it now
Yeah, maybe that’s true
Can I say it again
Sometime soon

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Poem: Boiling water (January)

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Poem: Boiling water (January)

I
Feel
Dangerously
Close
To losing all the control I never had to begin with, in a heartbeat
I wanted to
Laugh
Wearing a wedding dress
On my patio with a cup of tea
And all the melancholy from January would have been swept away like last year’s rain
The lack thereof which drenched my city with fire

The ashes smelled
Comforting
To those who were not affected

Poem: Boiling water (January) [continued]

Like a campfire
In the forest
I think I was about seven or nine
When I last went to bed on time
I’ve been trying to take care
Of an anarchist’s body
Melted my hand on crystals of aspartame

I think
We do
Or do not
Belong
Where we think
We currently
Are
And that
Is not
A song
I want
To write.

Poem: Boiling water (January) [continued]

I don’t like ambivalence in others
But certainty to me fits a stepwise fashion
I check my email now, dad, are you proud
I can see the way she looks at me and I hate it
Can’t change it
It’s like I’m decaying
I wanted to make January so beautiful that it would make angels cry
Oh my goodness, I tried
I miss seeing you all alive
I’d laugh at your jokes a million more times
Join you guys in the swimming pool because
Body insecurity
Takes the form of a guilt trip
When you missed out on the life they’re missing out on now

The ashes smelled
Comforting
To those who were not affected

Now I sit on the grass near my patio
With an empty cup
Because I never actually managed to heat the water.

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Love poem: Long-distance

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Love poem: Long-distance

I’m alone in a garden
I been alone here all of my life
Won’t you save me from
Won’t you save me from

Feeling bitter, feeling warm
Wrapped up in a blanket through the night
I like the smell of blowing out a candle
Keep the fireplace on just for the light
You could find me downstairs
Interwoven with a dictionary in hand
So that I could find new words
To explain how I’ve been trapped

Someone somewhere is watching my back
I can’t call out by the river because it refracts the sound
Bends in ways
Like donut glaze
I subtract me from you when I take some space
I don’t need it
I don’t want it
You made me like this
In soft lavender and harsh footsteps
You made me face it

Love poem: Long-distance (continued)

Frozen strawberry
Smiling at you with raspberries on my fingertips
I spilled oat milk
It streamed down my fridge
Made a puddle on the floor that I crawled into
To spend some time with the ground
Press my ear to the wood to hear the underneath sounds
You had no idea
Bringing daisies to my doorstep
Would fill me up just enough to
Let some of the sadness leak out

I do need it
I do want it
You, with your arms around me even when I’m not cold
Heater on in the truck
Playing with the ballerina-slipper pink roses you got me
I do need it
I do want it
Otherwise, I’d be lying to myself

Love poem: Long-distance (continued)

But I’m so terribly afraid of
What it means to want to get close to someone whose

Distant

I’m going to let this go
Don’t want to let it get between us

Love poem: Long-distance (continued)

As long as you
Care
For me

As long as you’re
There
For me

I won’t let it get between us

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Poem: Noise

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Poem: Noise

If you couldn’t tell
If you couldn’t tell
If you couldn’t tell

I’m spinning around like I’m in the dryer at a laundromat
The ladies and gentlemen walk by
They don’t check up on me like that
Now I don’t even remember how
To get you to react
It seems like my silence
Is doing enough for the pact

Poem: Noise (continued)

Now how come you can’t tell
How come you can’t tell

That one of my favourite artists dropped an album
All I really thought about was you
Listening to each track on the record
Thinking of you punching your fist through the wall
That we had just painted
And me, jaw on the floor
Incredibly amazed at
What I had created

Poem: Noise (continued)

If you couldn’t tell
Now how come you couldn’t tell

I’d go sit at your desk, like a little doll
Spin around in circles in your armchair
Feeling faint
And small
You liked calling me that
Made you feel something too
I think it should be the other way,
But I feel so indebted to you

Poem: Noise (continued)

Now how come I couldn’t tell
How come I couldn’t see
Everything that we did
Had really nothing to do with me
Now how come I couldn’t tell
How come I couldn’t feel
Everything that we did
None of it was very real

None of it was very real
To begin with
Just
Noise

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