Poem: Je vous demande pardon, Saint Père.

I’m having a breakthrough, I beg your pardon
Pay attention to me, lying in the garden
I’m spiraling down to a place you don’t want to be
So I won’t take you with me
But that means you can’t be around me

You look at me, softly
In your warm brown eyes I see my reflection
Your pupils get bigger because you like me
I’m trying to say this calmly
I can’t be with you
Anymore
You’ve hurt me over and over again before
You’re a ball of rage, I’m crying on the floor
It feels like poison is in my veins
Decapitates me
Drives me insane
You pour a drink, like normality is restored
I swear, I wonder, do you do this ’cause you’re bored?
‘Cause you lost your mother, the only woman you adored?

I’m having a breakthrough, I beg your pardon

I’m scared to touch you because when I do it feels like lightning
Like crystal showers, throwing rocks in the lake
You’re thirty-four, I’m bringing out birthday cake
Trembling so quietly you can’t see me shake
Trembling because I’m afraid of you
Terrified of the things I’d do for you
Sacrifice my being just to sleep next to you
Softly
Gracefully
Like a porcelain doll
But you’re driving me insane and I can’t seem to shout any louder because I know the neighbors can hear us fighting at night
Evening delight
Pour me some cabernet Sauvignon
Start the evening off right
Because we both know what will happen when off goes the light
I’m terrified

So far apart from you I’m drowning
Get up, can’t breathe, sleep the rest of the day
Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to feel these things
Like something is crawling over every inch of my body
You? You’re making Earl Grey tea
But the water won’t boil fast enough
And you can’t take it anymore
You grab the cooling kettle
Splash the hot contents on me
I think back to ’95, that sweet old fern

But we’ve been here before
Have I learned?
Why of course
Don’t use ice, or iced water
If the burn covers a large portion of your body, don’t submerge yourself in cool water
I know these things already
But I do it anyway
In the ice cold shower I see my burns unravel
Counting back from one hundred, only way to distract
You’re in the bedroom, getting all packed
I know you’re going for business
I know you won’t be back
I’m in the shower having a panic attack

I know you’re going for business
You’re a ball of rage, I’m crying on the floor
Crying on the floor
Crying on the floor
You ignore me, avoid me, you’re out the door

But you’re driving me insane and I can’t shout any louder because the neighbors know that I’m

alone.

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