Poem: To be known, to be everything

Poem: To be known, to be everything

Two days until I leave for Chicago
With my pink-to-white ombre nails, I feel so
Sophisticated
Like a secret garden
Like I don’t miss him whenever he’s not in my presence

I danced in my car, feeling joy, on the way to my shift
At the hospital
Where I prayed for every patient, the group of us had to exit the elevator for
Due to urgency
Some kind of crisis
It’s so lovely when family members come to visit
Though sometimes they don’t

Continued: To be known, to be everything

When I was helping my mother with her stretches,
I almost teared up at her fragility
The softest, smoothest skin, like a baby’s
If you wore a blindfold, you wouldn’t know her to be an adult woman
But she feels the weight of her age in her muscles and her bones
I feel so selfish to leave
But I know she’s so proud of me

I think in exchange for me being emotionally blunted for years
Lately, I feel absolutely everything all the time
I practice being mindful
While running my hands over daisies
Holding them like they’re precious
Like they’re frail and one day will die

Continued; To be known, to be everything

When I was helping my mother with her stretches,
I became hyper-aware that she’s frail
And although I always say she’s so strong that I’m likely to die first
One of my greatest talents is in accepting
Truths and possibilities that really hurt

If you put a blindfold over my eyes,
And guided me to touch my mother’s skin
I’d bet all of my money that the mysterious material is a baby

One that you never hear crying

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Poem: Pigeon-blue and staining through

Poem: Pigeon-blue and staining through

I cut the chrysanthemum flowers, and you ruffle through my drawers
Pigeon blue and staining through
You cut your losses
Roll over onto the pink duvet cover
You look beautiful on my bed
Like you just got out of the shower
Like you’ll finally let me hold you
Sweet dreams for a nap
You can have it like that
Autumn is approaching soon, and your eyes are sparkling brown
I’m going to find their distinct shade in the leaves of the fall
Up to heaven’s gate, we can have it all
I think you have somebody to call

Evenings
Frostbite
The way we fight
Like water holding the boat afloat
Like your friends and everyone else you know
Stay here in the shade with rare sun rays reaching your chest and shedding light
You need something bright
Something that fits you
To keep up with your wild attention span
That pays itself its dues

You, my boy that lies beside me
Neutral palette, got it down
I love when you take me around town
It’s nice when the evenings come around

Your loss

Poem: Ballerina (night terrors)

Poem: Ballerina (night terrors)

I can’t stop running
In my night terrors,
fever dreams
castles atop hills
adjacent mountains overlooking my horizon – my bleak path that has dimensions I can’t rise high enough to admire nor withstand.

Shirt on that says ‘cherry’
How cute am I, really?
How amicable I am in both public and in private
It’s a blue poem; let’s get ready for the skyrocket
I like the font, too
Of your handwritten note
It makes me want to put on my winter coat
Slide inside a mound of snow just because, just because? Just because.

Poem: Ballerina (night terrors) [continued]

Want to begin again, begin getting up earlier
Make my life a living portraiture
That I can close my eyes and find out later
If I lived it well enough,
The generativity versus stagnation phase
That’ll be me someday.
I’ll find myself in daisies
Perpetually in bloom, perpetually in bloom

The shadows of the clouds
How is the wavelength possible that I can see this through my rods & cones –
Sharp like lightning,
Frustrated like a little kid
I’m in favour of you, darling
Come, hold me tighter than anything.
You’ll be safe, always
In my soft, kind smile, & delicate arms
You know, I used to be a ballerina.

Poem: Ballerina (night terrors) [continued]

I used to have poise
& ignored all the boys
Growing up must have sucked the life out of me.

You know, I used to be a ballerina
I was so beautiful back then
I still get night terrors

Poem: Seasonal cherries (displacement)

Poem: Seasonal cherries (displacement)

He decided impromptu to get away for the weekend
I couldn’t even call him up
Kept my sentiments busy with the peonies, the sword ferns, the garden,
Difficult to look in the driveway & not see that matte-black, lifted truck

The cold, crescent, fever dream blues that surrounded me
I allowed them to peer into my skin
My delicate green veins from my light beige skin tone
I tried to catch him on the telephone
Though, I had no indication of where to begin.

Poem: Seasonal cherries (displacement) [continued]

I almost loved him, I think
Did say it by unintentionally a few times
Was I so wrong to confuse distance with association
I believe I was right – though I still paid the fine

And now truly, with all his irresolute conviction
He tells me he wants to be together
Well, boy do I have news for a man of your cadence
The thought requires me to hold on to one or four of your sweaters

Poem: Seasonal cherries (displacement) [continued]

I’m falling somewhere, but I don’t know where
Look down from the sky & I really don’t care
I’m falling somewhere, but I really don’t care
He’ll say it back to me when he’s least aware

I believe I was right
I paid the fine
I believe I was correct
Wrong place, right time

Poem: Seasonal cherries (displacement) [continued]

Cherry trees only grow in certain seasons
People do what they do for their own reasons
I am porcelain and snow and almond sweet
But I’d die in a living-room suite

Knowing that peonies only bloom in late spring to early summer
Exact timing depends on variety, location, and climate
Cherries come in season in late spring to early summer
So for now, I’ll just be quiet

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Poem: Ivory vacancy

Poem: Ivory vacancy

Needles in my eyes
Twenty-five individual pieces
Kiss me before you say goodbye
Don’t let me walk home alone

I feel your presence
Even when you’re not beside me
Though there’s this ivory vacancy
Trembling a hole inside of me
It could be filled
If you would come closer
It could be gone
If you could spend the night

Poem: Ivory vacancy [continued]

I know that you’re testing me
By the way you speak to me
I can feel you testing me
By the way you act with me

I am invisible to everybody
But you
I matter nothing to nobody
But you
I think I like being in this field with
Only you
Laying down like it’s my last time
Just with you

Poem: Ivory vacancy [continued]

Nothing is vacant,
But the trees are fragrant,
And I’m not even going to tell you the things I think about day in and day out.

I’m a pale girl,
A true ivory “vacancy” motel sign

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