The things I see, the things I love
Poem: Nothing left
I filed a
Lawsuit
Against the doves in my hallway
Told them they were too
Loving
And now I understand why there’s nothing left
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Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd
I want him to love me for my bad reputation
Lilacs and daisies,
And we don’t even have to have those kinds of conversations.
Like who do you think you are all the time misbehaving?
But I’m just a little doll in a lace dress,
Can’t you see how much joy I’ve been faking?
My garden is so pretty
My kitchen is pristine
New tiles on the bathroom floor to feel Victorian,
And I know that my cursive is quite Gregorian.
You vomit all over my love letters because it’s too much for you.
And maybe that’s why we’re not so–
Made for each other,
Perfect synchronous lovers.
I’m embarrassed to say
I think about it every day.
Do you think you want more from me?
I’m already overflowing- a coffee cup that forms bubbles and bleeds
I want you to buy me flowers most of all
And I worry this is the only thing I ever think about
And do I worry that I’m not enough for you?
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
All the opposite,
Your grey hairs in such ethereal hues
I think I’m way too much for you.
A silver plate and French dessert, picking off the residue,
I swear, in another lifetime,
I was also deeply in love with you
But I am a crazy girl,
I am truly wild.
Everywhere that I go, they collect some kind of files
They say the weirdest things about me, and it’s never made sense.
I wanted to be the most trustworthy person,
But I’m not very good at making friends.
And this makes me sad.
And I want you to help me not feel bad.
But if that’s too much for you,
Then that makes my suspicions true.
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
I am so used to being too much,
But never enough
Never enough.
I am so used to being far too much,
But never enough
Never enough.
My hair is gently tied with a beautiful pink ribbon
He thinks that I did things that I didn’t.
I’ve always wanted to be someone that people could trust
But if I cleaned a window,
He would still just see arachnids and dust
And that was a bad line; I’m not a very good poet. It’s one of my insecurities,
Though I hope I don’t show it.
But this is a mess,
The fabric between our asymmetrical beds.
I don’t even know where I feel the best laying my head.
I have duvet covers in different area codes and these apartments that don’t even belong to me
But I wanna belong to somebody
And I want them to take care of me.
And I want them to not be so scared of me.
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
So now I’m crying on the freeway, writing this using voice-to-text
And I think I’m beautiful, but well aware that he’ll forget
And I wanna be taken care of properly, like my dad would admire
And I want to be given flowers, like my mother would appreciate
But I am the common denominator,
The problem at hand.
And I just want somebody who can understand
That I wanna be trustworthy to the point where you believe I didn’t do it
So, if I set this place on fire,
Are you gonna give me a hard time about it?
Or try your best to see me get through it
Poem: Baddd girlfrienddd (continued)
Watch me
Dancing
Laughing
Crying
Soaking
Rainfall
Open
Windshield
Broken
I fell in love with you three times
I sat and sobbed in the shower, thirty-nine
Or are you going to laugh with me?
Because it is inherently funny
That we carved this life together
I’m aware I appear as a rotten tomato that ruins the rest of the vine,
But someday someone will trust that I’m good on the inside
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Poem: To be known, to be everything
Two days until I leave for Chicago
With my pink-to-white ombre nails, I feel so
Sophisticated
Like a secret garden
Like I don’t miss him whenever he’s not in my presence
I danced in my car, feeling joy, on the way to my shift
At the hospital
Where I prayed for every patient, the group of us had to exit the elevator for
Due to urgency
Some kind of crisis
It’s so lovely when family members come to visit
Though sometimes they don’t
Continued: To be known, to be everything
When I was helping my mother with her stretches,
I almost teared up at her fragility
The softest, smoothest skin, like a baby’s
If you wore a blindfold, you wouldn’t know her to be an adult woman
But she feels the weight of her age in her muscles and her bones
I feel so selfish to leave
But I know she’s so proud of me
I think in exchange for me being emotionally blunted for years
Lately, I feel absolutely everything all the time
I practice being mindful
While running my hands over daisies
Holding them like they’re precious
Like they’re frail and one day will die
Continued; To be known, to be everything
When I was helping my mother with her stretches,
I became hyper-aware that she’s frail
And although I always say she’s so strong that I’m likely to die first
One of my greatest talents is in accepting
Truths and possibilities that really hurt
If you put a blindfold over my eyes,
And guided me to touch my mother’s skin
I’d bet all of my money that the mysterious material is a baby
One that you never hear crying
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Poem: Pigeon-blue and staining through
I cut the chrysanthemum flowers, and you ruffle through my drawers
Pigeon blue and staining through
You cut your losses
Roll over onto the pink duvet cover
You look beautiful on my bed
Like you just got out of the shower
Like you’ll finally let me hold you
Sweet dreams for a nap
You can have it like that
Autumn is approaching soon, and your eyes are sparkling brown
I’m going to find their distinct shade in the leaves of the fall
Up to heaven’s gate, we can have it all
I think you have somebody to call
Evenings
Frostbite
The way we fight
Like water holding the boat afloat
Like your friends and everyone else you know
Stay here in the shade with rare sun rays reaching your chest and shedding light
You need something bright
Something that fits you
To keep up with your wild attention span
That pays itself its dues
You, my boy that lies beside me
Neutral palette, got it down
I love when you take me around town
It’s nice when the evenings come around
Your loss
Poem: Ballerina (night terrors)
I can’t stop running
In my night terrors,
fever dreams
castles atop hills
adjacent mountains overlooking my horizon – my bleak path that has dimensions I can’t rise high enough to admire nor withstand.
Shirt on that says ‘cherry’
How cute am I, really?
How amicable I am in both public and in private
It’s a blue poem; let’s get ready for the skyrocket
I like the font, too
Of your handwritten note
It makes me want to put on my winter coat
Slide inside a mound of snow just because, just because? Just because.
Poem: Ballerina (night terrors) [continued]
Want to begin again, begin getting up earlier
Make my life a living portraiture
That I can close my eyes and find out later
If I lived it well enough,
The generativity versus stagnation phase
That’ll be me someday.
I’ll find myself in daisies
Perpetually in bloom, perpetually in bloom
The shadows of the clouds
How is the wavelength possible that I can see this through my rods & cones –
Sharp like lightning,
Frustrated like a little kid
I’m in favour of you, darling
Come, hold me tighter than anything.
You’ll be safe, always
In my soft, kind smile, & delicate arms
You know, I used to be a ballerina.
Poem: Ballerina (night terrors) [continued]
I used to have poise
& ignored all the boys
Growing up must have sucked the life out of me.
You know, I used to be a ballerina
I was so beautiful back then
I still get night terrors
