Poem: Happiness collected in a vial (Crying in the laboratory like a confused child)

I didn’t mean to make you cry
Kiss your fights goodbye
You asked why I was leaving, I gave you six reasons why
I had so many more
You slammed my front door
You thought you were entitled, thought you had me by du jour
I was addicted to the waves but began to feel so unsure

Stoicism is hard to connect with
You don’t have to figure it tomorrow
It’s about me becoming more secure, so I can choose a more secure man
Some look out for themselves like it’s their only chain of command
And others are more romantic
They’ll be there waiting for you at midnight when your plane lands
They won’t walk all over the ground on which your thin legs stand
They’ll open doors for you and make evening plans
They’ll play with you, and make castles out of the sand
It doesn’t have to be only pain for me to withstand
I think that’s what makes life so promising and grand

Life can be golden
Real hopes unfolded
I’m flowing, soft; I’m fluid molten
You see me running, you scream for me to stop
I’m a real class act, I’m awaiting your applause
I feel I’m being evaluated like I’m on the job
I’m sensitive, I think you forgot
Less capable of dealing with emotions than fractures or blood clots
I recognize this shade of red
You’re forever in my thoughts

It doesn’t have to be hard
Don’t believe all the others
They only know the love that was given to their mothers
And if we’re going to live together, we better try to understand each other
I’m patient and caring, especially to my lover
He’s the luckiest boy
I like them more when they’re rougher
In private, they’re soft around you and with raindrops they smother
But it feels like God knows you can be much tougher
And it feels like God knows your mind needs to rest
And it feels like God knows you deserve only the best
The last disaster you went through was nothing but a test

Good looks come in handy, notably being best-dressed
It’s how you compose yourself when you’re at your most stressed
You say I’m superficial
Please, I’m from the Midwest
I don’t respect positions where people leave themselves unexpressed
I seduce the chaos, I disquiet unrest
To engage in behavior simply out of self-interest
You have to be okay with crashing parties as an unwelcome guest
We’ll have the most fun
Chardonnay with the sun
We felt so late in our lives, but the times have just begun
I’ll tell you a secret
You’ll be the only recipient
Put down your drink and make me feel like someone

Before I dissolve into bitter obsolescence
I ask myself
How do I feel in your presence?
The good has to far outweigh the bad
I take all of my differently-shaped pills
I still remain sad
It’s crawling out of the pit, that turns you mad
When the ground hardens, it punctures your back
And every new sting feels just like an attack
For you, I’d give anything at the drop of a hat
But if you want me like this, well then I’ll turn out like that
Thursdays I read the news, next to my Siamese cat
My five-thousand Kelvin lightbulb – my daylight habitat
Something cute and clever written on the welcome mat
Floating in the Dead Sea with the carnivorous bats

I count all my blessings, but I’m never exact
If I could capture life, all the joy, I’d extract
I’d collect it in vials
Practice careful self-denial
Clear my parameters of all the mesophiles
You know what used to kill me, the sound of the dial

I’m starting fresh
I hold my breath
Decide to trust nobody with the data I obtain
Draw circles with fine-point pens
Contemplate what there is to gain
Am I really bored enough to self-inflict pain?
(I think if God was here he’d tell me I was going insane)

I don’t do it, but I strongly consider
Calling your contact, hearing the telephone dial
Listening to it ring for what’s taking a while
Letting disappointment take over my smile
Crying in the laboratory like a confused child

Drinking my tinted-pink, happiness-filled vial
And not even caring about what neurotransmitters I mess up
Because I’m just trying to get over what remains of you
I’m a girl in a lab coat with a career I love
But it’s three in the morning
I know nothing else to do

I no longer have you
I know nothing else to do
I spit out my sample
With these coping mechanisms, I’m through

I clean up the chaos
I open my eyes
I do what I do best, I stand back and analyze
But I can’t stop thinking about you gripping my thighs
Except enough time has passed that I don’t get the butterflies
I realize you were my absolute favourite thing to idolize
The dismissive things you said, I made sure to memorize
If I was to rely on you, I would quickly recognize

Swallowing a vial of joy wouldn’t contain memories of you
All my good times in life, you had nothing with to do
It was me that was there
Not you

When I was truly happy
It was me that was there
Not you

And no matter how much time passes, I’ll remain grateful that we’re through
When I was truly happy,
It was me that was there

Not you

• WordPress
• Instagram
• Soundcloud

• Love poem: If you could, just, sing to me
• Poem: Merchandise mart
• Love poem: Sensitive girl
• Poem: Four thoughts (Chicago dandelions)
• Love poem: Acceptable pain, ivory thighs (sparkling)