At my expense

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My imagination takes me to dark places in the world
I’m too stubborn to run away
And I know nobody will come with me
I rid of all my expectations

You said love and beauty cannot coexist with analysis
But you don’t know the things I think of you
When you swim laps and I admire you
Luxury like a dripping rose
God can’t help me

I put your Cubs cap back on
And search for defects in you
Because it cannot be true
I’m banging my head, I’m so sick of you
I like you

Secrecy and solitude
Come kiss me in the closet
Try on your best white button-down
You teach me how to tie a tie
I keep getting it wrong because I’m weak

Saturdays with you
Watching how much your cat adores you
She’s practically floored by you
There must be something about you
I look away

I know it’s irrational
For me to open myself up to love again

So I keep practicing how to tie a tie
So one day I can kiss you goodbye

Passenger seat

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I’m a small girl with a matchbox
A ticket to heaven
Leaving at eleven
Behind the curtains the children hide
I ask them what’s so fancy behind there

I walk home from the library
Hardcovers feel like survivorship
I’m dividing my eyes into pentagons
I still hear your song on the radio
Switch the television up to max vol

I’m by the lake, bow in my hair
The deer come closer like they love me
On my notepad I scratch his name out
Over and over again
I thought we could at least be friends

I’m passenger seat and you’re in the back
Glimmer in your eye thinking of paradise
You knew where you were going that night
You swore to me we’d be all right
It hurt like you threw the softest bricks

I’m passenger seat and you’re in the back
It hurt like you threw the softest bricks
Your book still lays untouched on my bed
Untouched as can be
Untouched as desolate me

The loudest silence when I found out
When I found out

Carousel rides

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The lost heroine
Spilling orange juice on you
Bubble fights
I think it’s okay

Nostalgic for nothing
Because you’re here
Pink square nails
Engravings on jewelry

It’s time to tell you
I want you
I want you
I want you
But I don’t know if I’m ready
To give myself to someone else

Obsession override
Fun on the carousel

I don’t know if I’m ready
But I want you
I want you
I want you

High hopes

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I’ve been dreaming of a new life
Unraveling slowly
The daisies look bright
Fragrant nectar
One, two, check ignition

I’m thinking of recommending
A new kind of living
To myself in a fortunate series

Independence in that regard
It’s the only time I get you
For my own grace
My sense and sensibility

There’s friction now
Misunderstandings swarming
Unsure what is under my control
Unsure what is up to the skies

I’ve been dreaming of a new life
Where I unravel, slowly
Like a ballerina enchants
Like fragrance on the neck

I’ve been dreaming

A.

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I shouldn’t have told you my secret
A story that was just for me
I regretted it right after
But you looked so cute on the daybed
I had to have you again
I had to

I put Christmas lights up around my room
I feel like a little kid again
But the worries still trouble me
The thoughts still bother me
How do I manage to stand in front of you and act like the most important thing for me is the fact that I un-quit smoking

There are certain comments I made
That I now regret
I can’t tell if I’m making a big deal
I want your cute face right next to me
Letting me borrow your lighter
It makes the parking garage a bit brighter
What does it take to feel normal again

We’re watching the television and I want to tell you that I really don’t like cartoons
Especially when they’re made for adults
But I take a look at you
And you’re laughing like it’s your last day on Earth
And you’re spending it with me

So I wait for the joke to end and then I kiss you like it’s the last time I’ll ever see you
Even though that’d be such a drag
I already miss you

You’re driving me home on the freeway
And I already miss you