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I’m having a breakthrough, I beg your pardon
Pay attention to me, lying in the garden
I’m spiraling down to a place you don’t want to be
So I won’t take you with me
But that means you can’t be around me

You look at me, softly
In your warm brown eyes I see my reflection
Your pupils get bigger because you like me
I’m trying to say this calmly
I can’t be with you
Anymore
You’ve hurt me over and over again before
You’re a ball of rage, I’m crying on the floor
It feels like poison is in my veins
Decapitates me
Drives me insane
You pour a drink, like normality is restored
I swear, I wonder, do you do this ’cause you’re bored?
‘Cause you lost your mother, the only woman you adored?

I’m having a breakthrough, I beg your pardon

I’m scared to touch you because when I do it feels like lightning
Like crystal showers, throwing rocks in the lake
You’re thirty-four, I’m bringing out birthday cake
Trembling so quietly you can’t see me shake
Trembling because I’m afraid of you
Terrified of the things I’d do for you
Sacrifice my being just to sleep next to you
Softly
Gracefully
Like a porcelain doll
But you’re driving me insane and I can’t seem to shout any louder because I know the neighbors can hear us fighting at night
Evening delight
Pour me some cabernet Sauvignon
Start the evening off right
Because we both know what will happen when off goes the light
I’m terrified

So far apart from you I’m drowning
Get up, can’t breathe, sleep the rest of the day
Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to feel these things
Like something is crawling over every inch of my body
You? You’re making Earl Grey tea
But the water won’t boil fast enough
And you can’t take it anymore
You grab the cooling kettle
Splash the hot contents on me
I think back to ’95, that sweet old fern

But we’ve been here before
Have I learned?
Why of course
Don’t use ice, or iced water
If the burn covers a large portion of your body, don’t submerge yourself in cool water
I know these things already
But I do it anyway
In the ice cold shower I see my burns unravel
Counting back from one hundred, only way to distract
You’re in the bedroom, getting all packed
I know you’re going for business
I know you won’t be back
I’m in the shower having a panic attack

I know you’re going for business
You’re a ball of rage, I’m crying on the floor
Crying on the floor
Crying on the floor
You ignore me, avoid me, you’re out the door

But you’re driving me insane and I can’t shout any louder because the neighbors know that I’m

alone.

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Poem: Like a sad party

Like a sad party
You kiss me twice
One time per cheek
Our future’s bleak
We made it to Nebraska, now we’re headed for Tennessee
So many things left to see
I’m glad I haven’t passed away
Soft sleep, thank the Lord for this day
All you have to do is pray

In this city of sin
I’m vain and glamorous
With curves, though I’m naturally thin
Drown my ice cube tears in gin
The wallpaper paint ripples inbetween

The staircase where you wrote your mother a letter
Told her you’re on medication, told her that you’re getting better
I’m curled up in your black sweater
A bit under the weather
But happy as a meteor shower in January
When we all go to the docks just to watch
You kiss me twice, I laugh a lot
Grinning ear to ear
You’re the best, my dear
The best of your kind
When you make it and make millions, please don’t leave this world behind
The fame
The fortune
It can’t replace what we have
Nothing’s more important than that
And for some reason that makes me sad

Come with me
Follow me down into the garden
The snowflake grass, the eastern cottonwood tree
The swing set that 8 years ago my father built for me
See we’re as bright as can be
Tell me this

Why do I feel so lonely?
Like a sad party

Poem: Blood that pools, drowning me

In a world where there’s no end, where do we end up? 

I’m listless but I have potential
To surrender all of my dreams to my inquisitive nature
Blood that pools around your legs
Soft, crisp edges of the shells of eggs
Broken
Ceiling
Frostbite
Alright
Stage fright
I’m mimicking you in all directions
That the beat moves in
Soft
Glances
Kitchen
Cabinets
I always wanted to know what frostbite was like but it got so cold I was scared they would take away my fingers
And I wouldn’t be able to play you melodies on the piano any longer
Tender
Heart
Cold at night

Stage fright
I used to be a a beautiful ballerina
In a past life
In which I made my grandparents proud
No more hiding behind a boy’s name
I’m fast as hell
But I don’t sprint any more

Don’t cry anymore
I don’t do a lot of the things I used to
Adult life
Pains
Dripping slowly

You beg for it to hurt but when it does you go insane
Beg for it
Torture
Spiraling thoughts
Movement in a circular sphere where only I can see you in your true arrogant nature
Self portraits of a ghost
Confidence, you’ve got the most
A dinner party with no found host
Burnt piece of toast
True
Statements
About a death in apartment 95
About how free we feel on the motorcycle, it keeps us alive
How my parents were disillusioned when they wanted a child

How I’d have to be disillusioned to take him back
Honey, ever known a man that causes heart attacks?
All of my favorite characteristics he lacks 
Cold
Hot
Tears

The ceiling’s dripping candle light
The ceiling’s dripping candle light
The ceiling’s dripping-

Poem: But I love it

It blinds me to think about what he wants
Steers me towards his way because I’m
Drawn
Hopelessly
Irrevocably
To pieces of him I both do and don’t wish I ever saw
Ever knew
They climb up on inside of you

I’m like a deep blue lagoon
Your wants and needs are at the top of my lungs
Pressing down
Brick heavy
Unsteady
You make me think I’ll always fail
Your talk is short and stale
I’m feeling blue

But wait
Don’t loosen your grip on me
Even if it’s surrounding my neck, I need you still
Like a little child needs a blanket
I need you still

If we could have our own apartment
To dance in
To yell in
Not at each other because we’re working on it
But at the sun, at the moon
At the corporate offices that block our view of the city lights
Maybe you’ll slow down with me
Take it in deeply
That I get sad at night without you
But when I see you it’s like I’ve again found you

Again, and again, and again, and again
Spin me
Again, and again, and again, and again
Spin me
Again, and again and again, and again
I’ve found you
And I am sad without you
Again

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