Category: Blues

Poem: White Honda Civic (over you)

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Poem: White Honda Civic (over you)

I loved when you had that white Honda Civic
I think I loved the person you were when you were in it
A little optimistic
A tad less sadistic
Revvin’ it up
Making me mad
Falling harder & harder like an annoying pop song
Listening to you breathe when you fall asleep
Telling me I’m always in your dreams

Sobriety was supposed to fix you
Instead, it showed me the real you
So I concluded I can no longer love you
Even though you beat me like a drum
Look good with anything on
Bleed like Kermes vermilio crimson
Bore me to death with the best stories I’ve ever heard
Sentences where you compare me to her
Never allowing me to feel more than unsure
Memories that fade to an unpleasant blur
I couldn’t stop

I knew it was all wrong
You turned my poetry into songs
That you’d play for other girls to make them think you’re good with words
Jazz and ice
Forget paradise
In your lab, I’m all the squirming mice
I know you better than that
Please stay on your Prozac
The world can be so wonderful the day you stop feeling so attacked
& I’m learning to think clearly before I get so attached
You make me so mad
I changed my mind about ever coming back

I can’t
I can’t
Do that dance again
You treat me like God’s biggest mistake
And then tell me heaven isn’t real, it’s all fake
How am I supposed to feel?
How do you know what’s real?
All my favourite people are there
Where do they go when they’re scared?
How upset were they with me when they saw that I didn’t leave but remained aware?
Cappuccinos that are hot
Smiling, and then not
All the blueprints to me – every detail, you forgot
The slow progression of feeling unloved and lost
This is my forever, that’s what I thought

You’re not made for me
You live painfully
I am trying my best to no longer feel sorry for you
The things that you do
You don’t understand their magnitude
Stop singing my lines to girls just to make them fall in love with you
You don’t understand my words
I’m in the ocean with the dead birds
I was so happy you got better, but you only really got worse
I think being caring is my most volatile curse

When I think of you
It’s a reminder to me
Of how oblivious, hopeful, & sad I can be
Especially when I paint rose petals so pink and lovely in my dreams
But the reality of what we are is so far from what it seems
Part of me wishes I was too vapid to think of these things
The emptiness of the situation has a dolefulness it brings
Some days I feel lighter
But for the most part, the powers of retention can really sting
I said I’d do anything

And I sing my own poetry to myself to fall asleep
I’m not trying to impress anyone
I live a life that’s very alone
And I can only hope that from here on I don’t succumb
To keeping somebody close by my side
That won’t buy me flowers because of his pride
You hated the beach, so I never got to feel loved by the tide
Some of my friends seriously thought that I died

Don’t say I didn’t try to help you
In all sincerity, I tried
At what point will I have finally given enough reasons why
I don’t answer your calls
I don’t want you at all

I loved when you had that white Honda Civic
I think I loved the person you were when you were in it

Promising

Thank you for reading! Comment if you have something to say, otherwise stay safe & fall in love with the right people.

Elle

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Poem: Calamine pink (bored)

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Poem: Calamine pink (bored)

Maybe I was made in hell
The way I’m living is how I can tell

A lullaby of daffodils
You hold the camera and tell me to hold still
I’m like a melting candle, the way I’m built
Like Saturday night’s florals, I begin to wilt
Loose edges
Sharp corners
Haha, of course – you did it on purpose
You know, you’re so good at making me nervous
You open the window, but you shut the curtains
I can’t come too close because I will never be certain
If it’s you, the recent news is very concerning
I love to know everything about you, it’s my lust for learning
It’s doing me damage
I’m picking up patterns
I found a loose screw and some nails under the mattress
I have this beautiful velvet dress that’s strapless
But I’ve been gradually weakened, my violence is sapless
And him and his coffee is quite the distraction
Though I’m perilously stuck in perpetual subtraction

Doesn’t buy me roses
No visible action
It’s doing me damage
I’m picking up patterns

I have ten thousand things to tell you
But instead I asked for flowers
You, not so permissive
You aggressively declined
I dreamed of blush-coloured roses, they were just divine
Heaven sent on a plate, a black gun & red wine
I was just wondering if maybe next time…
I could have a guarantee for a cute little valentine
Yeah, sure, that works, he can show up at nine

I’ll look so perfect
I’ll smell of jasmine & pine
I’ve made a plan for our date, it’s a rough outline
I’ll fix up my hair, I’ll trim my waistline
For the misery you put me through, I’ll need an anodyne
I’ll paint my bedroom walls the carbonate powder of calamine
I’m not doing my best, I’m hardly even trying

Lazy afternoons in the pool when it’s forty degrees
I fall all the time, I have wounds on my knees
You’ve never said sorry, you rarely said please
Is it love, or is it the amphetamines?
Stop getting so mad
I’m only in my twenties
But I know the best stones are found at the cemeteries
And I know the absolute best are freshly grown blueberries
When you scream at me, I close my eyes because it’s scary
I think “happy thoughts,” I picture us married
But I keep thinking ’bout how pretty I’ll look when I’m buried

I wanted to be your only
You can’t handle being worried
I’d come for you
Never hesitate to hurry

It’s two in the morning
I’ve made tea for myself
I wear long faux lashes ’cause it’s good for my health
I’m little Team Captain, everything I do is the best
I’m losing my grip, I think I’m failing this test
When you’ve broken everything, what is there left?
They think I’m in a castle, I consider this a mess
Do me a favour and be my guest
When you find out what I’ve done,
Don’t think more – think less
Envisage
Dream about
The thrills the little boys and girls scream about
She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling
She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling
She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling

Girls never get complimented anymore
The boys just presume they’ll get bored
It’s a mistake they’re all making, that I’m sure
But I’m only one person, can I count as more?

She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling
She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling
She forced herself to think of how he must be feeling

Drowned in insecurity because it seemed like disposition
When you really want to die, you make it your mission

The boys just presume they’ll get bored

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Poem: A farewell, a goodbye, & a few reasons why

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Poem: A farewell, a goodbye, & a few reasons why

A solid impression
You flourish from attention
I failed to mention
The subtleties in my movements
The delicate imbalance perchance you take me
Miserable, haunting, unwelcoming vacancy
I am the prettiest girl and I would like for you to cradle me

Skin glistening under the simmering hot sun
I think the world of you, but I’m the only one
Your brother laughed on the phone
He didn’t put up with my tone
He said if he has another, why won’t you let him go?
I said, I don’t know
I said, I just don’t know

I know my distress is an inconvenience
I’ve been your soft little lenience
I’m a wet blanket- your pink-nailed, gentle-featured killjoy
You paint yourself gold like it’s your marketing ploy
My hands on your shoulders
“Honey, guns aren’t toys”
The prophet of doom and glory has come to tell us to turn down the noise
We respond, of course, with nothing but poise
Remorse in a bedroom
Withdrawing and sweating
Prepare yourself for the obsolete presence of mind
Tell me the same story you told me last time
In midair suspended, dandelions in my hair
Tell me that you find me graceful and kind
Your catechism can be nonchalantly blamed on the wine
Ice cube crystals melt like glaciers
I think this is goodbye

I’m not profiting from the distance between us
But I am getting closer to reaching the satellite
I rest my head exactly where you used to place yours
Almost every single, individual, starry night
Back then I was a diamond, now I’m back to graphite
It’s your longing gaze that’s such a beautiful sight
A crystalline form of the element carbon
I want to see you take off all that metal armour
Your father said be careful, just please don’t harm her
But changing your old ways is too vain to bother

I thought I could
I stood on the platform
I gave a speech
They hated me
Peered into my compass of female fragility
When my eyes met that of God’s, I could finally see
Nobody in my life ever believed in me
I have only one option and it infuriates me

I have to leave you before you leave me

I’m so deep blue that you can’t see my embers
Think back to my birthday, it was mid-September
You didn’t call
You didn’t remember
And now it’s day seven of this year’s December

And there are no white roses in my room to be found
You love me?
No, it’s the other way around
Coming to terms with that continues to hurt, somehow
I’m constantly deciding whether I can afford to break down
I play in the ocean, wouldn’t mind if I drowned
I just hope I’d be wearing that pink nightgown

I have to leave you before you leave me
I loved you like waves, so wholeheartedly
I think I must do what’s best for me
The walls cave in and bend anonymously
When you close your eyes, I hope you see me
A hopelessly nervous beauty queen
An angel in a dress that makes me feel pretty

The walls cave in
When you close your eyes
I hope you see me

I have to leave you before you leave me

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Poem: Happiness collected in a vial

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Poem: Happiness collected in a vial (Crying in the laboratory like a confused child)

I didn’t mean to make you cry
Kiss your fights goodbye
You asked why I was leaving, I gave you six reasons why
I had so many more
You slammed my front door
You thought you were entitled, thought you had me by du jour
I was addicted to the waves but began to feel so unsure

Stoicism is hard to connect with
You don’t have to figure it tomorrow
It’s about me becoming more secure, so I can choose a more secure man
Some look out for themselves like it’s their only chain of command
And others are more romantic
They’ll be there waiting for you at midnight when your plane lands
They won’t walk all over the ground on which your thin legs stand
They’ll open doors for you and make evening plans
They’ll play with you, and make castles out of the sand
It doesn’t have to be only pain for me to withstand
I think that’s what makes life so promising and grand

Life can be golden
Real hopes unfolded
I’m flowing, soft; I’m fluid molten
You see me running, you scream for me to stop
I’m a real class act, I’m awaiting your applause
I feel I’m being evaluated like I’m on the job
I’m sensitive, I think you forgot
Less capable of dealing with emotions than fractures or blood clots
I recognize this shade of red
You’re forever in my thoughts

It doesn’t have to be hard
Don’t believe all the others
They only know the love that was given to their mothers
And if we’re going to live together, we better try to understand each other
I’m patient and caring, especially to my lover
He’s the luckiest boy
I like them more when they’re rougher
In private, they’re soft around you and with raindrops they smother
But it feels like God knows you can be much tougher
And it feels like God knows your mind needs to rest
And it feels like God knows you deserve only the best
The last disaster you went through was nothing but a test

Good looks come in handy, notably being best-dressed
It’s how you compose yourself when you’re at your most stressed
You say I’m superficial
Please, I’m from the Midwest
I don’t respect positions where people leave themselves unexpressed
I seduce the chaos, I disquiet unrest
To engage in behavior simply out of self-interest
You have to be okay with crashing parties as an unwelcome guest
We’ll have the most fun
Chardonnay with the sun
We felt so late in our lives, but the times have just begun
I’ll tell you a secret
You’ll be the only recipient
Put down your drink and make me feel like someone

Before I dissolve into bitter obsolescence
I ask myself
How do I feel in your presence?
The good has to far outweigh the bad
I take all of my differently-shaped pills
I still remain sad
It’s crawling out of the pit, that turns you mad
When the ground hardens, it punctures your back
And every new sting feels just like an attack
For you, I’d give anything at the drop of a hat
But if you want me like this, well then I’ll turn out like that
Thursdays I read the news, next to my Siamese cat
My five-thousand Kelvin lightbulb – my daylight habitat
Something cute and clever written on the welcome mat
Floating in the Dead Sea with the carnivorous bats

I count all my blessings, but I’m never exact
If I could capture life, all the joy, I’d extract
I’d collect it in vials
Practice careful self-denial
Clear my parameters of all the mesophiles
You know what used to kill me, the sound of the dial

I’m starting fresh
I hold my breath
Decide to trust nobody with the data I obtain
Draw circles with fine-point pens
Contemplate what there is to gain
Am I really bored enough to self-inflict pain?
(I think if God was here he’d tell me I was going insane)

I don’t do it, but I strongly consider
Calling your contact, hearing the telephone dial
Listening to it ring for what’s taking a while
Letting disappointment take over my smile
Crying in the laboratory like a confused child

Drinking my tinted-pink, happiness-filled vial
And not even caring about what neurotransmitters I mess up
Because I’m just trying to get over what remains of you
I’m a girl in a lab coat with a career I love
But it’s three in the morning
I know nothing else to do

I no longer have you
I know nothing else to do
I spit out my sample
With these coping mechanisms, I’m through

I clean up the chaos
I open my eyes
I do what I do best, I stand back and analyze
But I can’t stop thinking about you gripping my thighs
Except enough time has passed that I don’t get the butterflies
I realize you were my absolute favourite thing to idolize
The dismissive things you said, I made sure to memorize
If I was to rely on you, I would quickly recognize

Swallowing a vial of joy wouldn’t contain memories of you
All my good times in life, you had nothing with to do
It was me that was there
Not you

When I was truly happy
It was me that was there
Not you

And no matter how much time passes, I’ll remain grateful that we’re through
When I was truly happy,
It was me that was there

Not you

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Poem: Femoral artery (fever dreams)

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Poem: Femoral artery (fever dreams)

I watch you when you’re bad
I take careful notes
I set them on fire and summon gentle ghosts
They won’t scare you or hurt you the most
Nothing like true love taken away, not even close

I’m sixteen in a few days, I’m trapped in this body
I want you to mimic a system like monoclonal antibodies
Feed the hunger
Burn the rage
Set flames to whom I accused you of being
Prove me wrong
Come as a surprise
I’m finding I don’t make the impression that I imply
Sunsets after jazz concerts on the lawn
I try to find stingrays in the ocean when I swim
I think if this life is a fight, then I’ll most likely win
But they’re doing a good job of telling God that I sinned

Like fever dreams
Like soft doeskin
That came from a being you shouldn’t have touched
I wonder at what point will it all be enough
Blew smoke in his face, he tried calling my bluff
I wake up strong, but I wouldn’t say I’m tough
My wrists are so small the cops use child handcuffs
I wish I was making all this stuff up

To live a romantic life is to surrender to passion
With the weather today, I would say it’s not in fashion
Love for me will never be everlasting

I want it to be
I desperately hope
But we always lose the ones we love the most
They hit your bare knees, the cascading blue waves
Make you stay up pacing around for days
I don’t have the time, and I’ve lost my own place
I was so far ahead
I was almost there
I thought I was close
I was almost there
I choked on my insides
I was almost there
I saw my femoral artery
Blood soaked my white underwear

Like fever dreams
Like soft doeskin
That you’ll always regret purchasing because your ex-girlfriend was a vegan and the way she wears pink ribbons in her ash blonde hair makes you go wild
You act like a child
And I wouldn’t even say your advantage was mild
Knock on my door
Stay a while
I’ll only be happy watching you char in the fire

I know the feeling
I know the daze
I know the brilliant, beautiful Autumn haze
I know Fridays spent alone and solitary Sundays
I’ll only respect you if you participate in the chase
And God, I love it when you try to plead your case
You lost the bet
The cops know you
You think you get me, but I don’t believe that’s true
You’re only with her because there’s nothing else to do

Playing with marbles on the carpet, so they don’t roll too far away
I don’t have the time
I’ve lost my own place
But I clean up nice and live my life with grace

You’re lucky I won’t let you see me face-to-face
You won’t forget my brutality for several days
It’s my milk white gentleness that you can’t replace
I used to tell you I love you, but now I’ll rephrase

The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
The kind of girl you wish you had for the holidays
As vital to the body as acetylcholinesterase

It’s my resilient nature that will get me through this phase
I used to tell you I love you, but now I’ll rephrase

Lilac Dove

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