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Poem: In retrospect (amphetamines)

I’m starting to wonder what I’m like without the amphetamines
I already know I’m hostile and mean
Your blue eyes don’t interest me
I like them brown
I like my men grown
Got themselves together
An automobile and incoming checks
At least enough to pay their own rent
Money well spent
Money well spent

I’m starting to wonder what I’m like without the benzodiazepines
I remember you and I at Seal Beach when things were serene
Then I fought you in the loft
That changed your opinion from me as soft
I almost won
I almost won

I’m starting to wonder what I’m like without the lithium carbonate
Go to the skate park just to watch the boys skate
I like seeing them try their best
I like seeing them try their best
Blues and greys intertwine
Red is the colour of my favourite wine
I have an inverted disc in my spine

I perk up and sit up straight
Think I’m real hot ’cause I got a nice date
He passes me utensils and chews with his mouth closed
He’s smart and he’s sharp, a good fit I suppose
But you and I are chapters I’d rather not close
I’m starting to wonder what it’s like by not going on a date with someone just to feel far from you
Escape is far-fetched

I loved us in the sun at the beloved Malibu
My heart-shaped sunglasses because I’m such a beauty queen
Your ache-filled stories about essentially being a grown-up teen
You made me smile with my teeth
You made me smile with my teeth
But I felt disposable to you
The next girl will come, and I’ll be nothing to you
As the seasons change this is something I should expect
But I look at my phone and there are no better prospects
With me it takes forever for me to connect
Speckled-birds sing a melody in the tree
I think they’re singing for me
I think they’re singing for me

This isn’t a love poem but I’ll still make it pink
Remember in my floral dress I poured you a cold drink
We were never on the same page, I think
And I know you read my poems
And I know you read my poems
And I know you read my poems
And I know you won’t read this

Harmony is a difficult attachment to break

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Poem: Poems for him pt. 1

David Hume said
Who says things will continue to operate the same as they have?
We use inferential reasoning in our own lives
You swim in the pool
I rub sunscreen onto my inner thighs
I’m closer with you than with the other guys

Throw you your sunglasses and I sit right back
On this lounge chair I can relax
But knowing what I know is kind of evil
It’s enveloping me, I can feel it
You tell me the truth, let’s make it even
But you don’t really care ’bout how I’m feeling

We expect things to happen because we have observed that this is the case many times before
Like when you had me lying down on the kitchen floor
My legs got really sore
I hate the smell of Whiskey and your gentle vibe was no more
I spent my Friday lying on the kitchen floor

You tell me the truth, let’s make it even
But you never cared ’bout how I’m feeling
So why do I still go to you for a reason
Catch me in June, wearing dresses for the season
If I tell, they’ll lock you up for treason
You little anarchist, you

But my mind changes day to day
Yet some things stay the same
How scared I am of how much I might
Want you
Need you
Like a snake crawling around my soft neck

Fragility looks good on me, baby
That’s what you used to say to me
Smoothness and fur
In a sec I’ll be out the door
Calling me names, say I’m a wh***
I don’t know what you’re playing these games for
I spent my Saturday lying on the floor

The white tiles deliver me a kind of comfort that you never could
I should get up, take a shower
I really should
But lying here for hours
It kind of feels good
It’s not my choice
It’s the big bad boy’s
Relinquished my ability to feel any joy
Of course, it’s you
It’s you, of course
I lose, you win
You win, I lose
The spite and rage I no longer choose
What’s your excuse?

Two tickets for the Chicago cubs
You only do that when you’re in love

Sunflowers and rosemary growing in the garden
Where’d you come from, making me uncertain
The city didn’t shape you- your roots are suburban
Your words are empty, your pockets too
You bend down carefully, you’re smiling at me too
Don’t know what you want
Don’t know what you want
Don’t know what you want
Can’t be lying on the floor anymore

Can’t be lying

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Orange tangerines
I want your anger
You’re going to get her
Any girl you want
Your charm you find so easy to flaunt
We’re standing on Lake & Vermont, waiting lazily
Hazily
For the crisp white of the little man on the stoplight
Telling us to
Hurry
Go faster
You got this
Move past her
She’s beneath you, it seems
Every Friday she rips apart at the seems
So stupid to cause such a scene
You look the other direction, you’re mine

You’re mine
You’re mine
In two’s, in three’s
At three hundred degrees
I want, to feel real, with you
Happily
Wearing tweed
You play violin
I don’t know what to think, so I stay quiet
Quiet

I’m scared to stay around here
I don’t know if my impulsiveness is triggered by you or me
Remember Frankford & Lamonte
Maybe when your arms were around me you had a thought to yourself somewhere along the lines of wanting to be my lover
Or was it for another?
I only take in one of your aspects at a time to protect myself
From
That word like ice cold doves
A thousand times over because we’re under the weather
I stole your favorite sweater
Wear it at night to cloth me in something that rhymes with
Ice cold dove
Sitting on the balcony
My Marlboros, don’t get mad this time
Me and you are drinking wine
In twenty minutes I will be just fine
Whisper you’re mine, you’re mine

Like the hibiscus on the passenger side
Like when everything turned baby blue and I decided to hide
Never come alive
It’s not tragic, it’s just
It’s just
It

We’re happy, we’re rolling around like a little girl’s dolls
I like that bank printer font on your iPhone screen front
Saw me when I was polishing the storefront
Where I sell books for people who are merchants from Venice
Something like – forget it
Don’t sweat it

A thousand times over because’s we’re under the weather
I stole your favourite sweater
Wear it at night to cloth me in something that rhymes with
Ice cold dove
Sitting on the balcony
My Marlboros, don’t get mad this time
I’m sweet and smoky like rosemary & wild thyme
See you in the summertime

Ice cold dove
Sitting on the balcony
My Newports, don’t get mad this time
Sweet cherry & lime

Ice cold dove
Sitting on the balcony

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I’m having a breakthrough, I beg your pardon
Pay attention to me, lying in the garden
I’m spiraling down to a place you don’t want to be
So I won’t take you with me
But that means you can’t be around me

You look at me, softly
In your warm brown eyes I see my reflection
Your pupils get bigger because you like me
I’m trying to say this calmly
I can’t be with you
Anymore
You’ve hurt me over and over again before
You’re a ball of rage, I’m crying on the floor
It feels like poison is in my veins
Decapitates me
Drives me insane
You pour a drink, like normality is restored
I swear, I wonder, do you do this ’cause you’re bored?
‘Cause you lost your mother, the only woman you adored?

I’m having a breakthrough, I beg your pardon

I’m scared to touch you because when I do it feels like lightning
Like crystal showers, throwing rocks in the lake
You’re thirty-four, I’m bringing out birthday cake
Trembling so quietly you can’t see me shake
Trembling because I’m afraid of you
Terrified of the things I’d do for you
Sacrifice my being just to sleep next to you
Softly
Gracefully
Like a porcelain doll
But you’re driving me insane and I can’t seem to shout any louder because I know the neighbors can hear us fighting at night
Evening delight
Pour me some cabernet Sauvignon
Start the evening off right
Because we both know what will happen when off goes the light
I’m terrified

So far apart from you I’m drowning
Get up, can’t breathe, sleep the rest of the day
Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to feel these things
Like something is crawling over every inch of my body
You? You’re making Earl Grey tea
But the water won’t boil fast enough
And you can’t take it anymore
You grab the cooling kettle
Splash the hot contents on me
I think back to ’95, that sweet old fern

But we’ve been here before
Have I learned?
Why of course
Don’t use ice, or iced water
If the burn covers a large portion of your body, don’t submerge yourself in cool water
I know these things already
But I do it anyway
In the ice cold shower I see my burns unravel
Counting back from one hundred, only way to distract
You’re in the bedroom, getting all packed
I know you’re going for business
I know you won’t be back
I’m in the shower having a panic attack

I know you’re going for business
You’re a ball of rage, I’m crying on the floor
Crying on the floor
Crying on the floor
You ignore me, avoid me, you’re out the door

But you’re driving me insane and I can’t shout any louder because the neighbors know that I’m

alone.

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Poem: Like a sad party

Like a sad party
You kiss me twice
One time per cheek
Our future’s bleak
We made it to Nebraska, now we’re headed for Tennessee
So many things left to see
I’m glad I haven’t passed away
Soft sleep, thank the Lord for this day
All you have to do is pray

In this city of sin
I’m vain and glamorous
With curves, though I’m naturally thin
Drown my ice cube tears in gin
The wallpaper paint ripples inbetween

The staircase where you wrote your mother a letter
Told her you’re on medication, told her that you’re getting better
I’m curled up in your black sweater
A bit under the weather
But happy as a meteor shower in January
When we all go to the docks just to watch
You kiss me twice, I laugh a lot
Grinning ear to ear
You’re the best, my dear
The best of your kind
When you make it and make millions, please don’t leave this world behind
The fame
The fortune
It can’t replace what we have
Nothing’s more important than that
And for some reason that makes me sad

Come with me
Follow me down into the garden
The snowflake grass, the eastern cottonwood tree
The swing set that 8 years ago my father built for me
See we’re as bright as can be
Tell me this

Why do I feel so lonely?
Like a sad party

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