Lilac Dove

I feel like table-salt
Spilled
Over and over and over again

I’m in California, baby
What are you calling for, I ask like we’re playing chess
Don’t worry about me, baby
I have it all figured out
From my eyes to the top of my mouth
I live in the South
Where it shines real nice and the boys walk with their bare backs revealed so I can gawk at their shoulders
Mmmm shoulders
Stop laughing, you’re going to make me want you
We don’t want that cycle again
I ended up upside down in a ricochet
I really hated you but I could never

I’m alright, baby
I’m put together like cobblestone
In some parts you can see my bones
The kids whisper in each others’ ears
When I am near
I have a tan now because I go to the beach
About twice a week
And after I wash myself under the city showers
Dripping like silk as the water falls down my legs
Untraceable
Not parched
Smooth like lemonade

I miss you on Thursdays
Those are the days when memories replay of us watching the live concerts on the television
And dancing in the living room
Me with a cider in my hand
Apple, always
Feeling free with you
Always for you and always with you
Free

I’m definitely in shambles
I want to be cooler
I want to know what you see in her
And how closely or how far apart that is from what you perceive of me, which I believe to be a blur
Are you really getting to know her?
Are you attached, at the hip?
When she talks a lot, do you fail to get a grip?
Do certain words slip?

I’m not interested in that
As a matter of fact
I’ll close my hands over my ears if you ever do tell
For I really don’t want to be overwhelmed
I’m so much more fragile than you think
Sometimes I know you’re at your brink
I see your bones and your ship start to sink
But you’re not mine to take care of, I think
No longer mine

Peach fuzz on my arms
Cherry on a cake
I go through my head counting every mistake
I grill it, I bake and I bake
My delicate hands start to shake
It all starts with you
It all ends with you
I don’t want all of it to end
I don’t want to be blue
My words are always misconstrued
Goddamnit can’t I tell you the truth
I won’t say it, I won’t write that rhyme there

You’re on your own
Tough skin and bones
Let’s see if you can act like the tough guy you think you are
Playing like you’ve got a gun in your trunk and ammunition to spare
You think I’m blissfully unaware
Falling for your smooth moves
After all this is the life I choose
Your hands on the wheel, we cruise and cruise
Many times I’ve wondered if we’ve engaged in abuse

Is that my decision to choose
To stay, to love, to keep
To heal, most of all
To hurt, myself in the running but perhaps you too in ways I don’t know yet
Talk to me like a grown man
Don’t let the blood flow over the edges
Be a man and breathe in when I pour hydrogen peroxide over your fresh red gashes and wounds
You can scream if you want to
You can shout at me, at god, at the nonexistence of any heavenly entity
You can express whatever it is inside of you that’s been eating away like aphids on growing flowers
I see you decay and I want to wash away
Your fears like butterflies
Turn them into bright tangerine skies
Rest your head on my soft thighs

So honey, please stop with the lies
Honey, stop with the lies
This may come as a surprise

My decision
To heal, most of all
Just give me a call
I don’t have to be yours to be important
That’s all

xx,
Elle

I think I’ll win this race but I’m beginning to feel outnumbered

How do you do that

Feel like a crowd of people when you’re a singular identity at one point in time and space

I think it’s the lilacs
You gave me
Lying on my kitchen table
That I need to cut before they suck all of the humidity out of this room
They’ll follow through
And you won’t get it
The reasons
Why anxiety will fill me to the brim
Flower girls exist at every age
They don’t ever sleep
The data’s misconstrued

A dinner date
An avalanche
A boiling hot pour of tea
A boy dressed in white and black
Honestly my favorite sight to see
And it’s all for me?

Poison, dark and heavy
In a laundry hamper
An empty and luxurious perfume bottle
That was saved for a special event

Diamonds and ice cream
He slowly opens his mouth
To say words unreasonable for the evening
But so charming for these whereabouts

I think I’m going down
I’m definitely going down
I think I’m going down
I’m definitely going down

I am alone
Monotone
Disgusting rib bones
A new body I fit in but don’t acclimate into just yet
The outlines wide and far-reaching
My heart fervidly beating
I wish it wouldn’t
As if it couldn’t
I wish you’d call my line
You’re keen as mustard, you’re wretched too
Corrosive and apathetic
Your neutral palette aesthetic
Don’t make me hate you
Don’t make me hate you

I felt loneliness last night
Tried to drink more but the fruity margarita started to make me want to vomit
No pills to take
No medicine for me
To accompany my newfound state
I basked in it
Hugged my dog
Thought about where I went wrong
Thought of the woman I want to be– hopeful and strong
Who wills wishful thinking into action
Positive diary entries
Tending to roses in the garden
Watering her plants correctly and on time
Correctly and on time
Correctly and on time

And you weren’t ever mine
A belonging- to be the property of
I’d huddle inside your jacket, in the crevice of your arm to feel like a small part of you
Feel like I had you by my side and that wasn’t changing
Because- ?
Undetermined clause
A six figure check
One button undone
Cheek kisses not specifically asked or gestured for, but given for free
A bike that was stolen
A tree that was planted
Our whereabouts unknown
One vintage photobooth for two
Becoming closer than ever and not acknowledging it in any way, shape, or form
“My condolences to your mother”
My wish to you, please don’t leave me

Correctly and on time
Correctly and on time
Don’t make me hate you
Don’t make me hate you

I write love poems in pink
But this is not a love poem
This is a story of loss

A lost cause
You thought you were the boss
Always so goddamn cross
You bring me down through the basement door with you
Show me scary things: spiders, lies, manipulation
Without my having asked
I don’t scream, I stay silent, and that is perhaps my own shortcoming in this imperfect history between us

My mouth remains shut when my lips are not on yours
But oh,
My favorite
On your better days, you kiss me and make me feel like I’m worth kissing
Like the world kneels for me
Like I’m the one you claim to love
“That girl”
Innocent, lush, imaginative
Don’t stop kissing me

But you’re dangerous
You leave me empty and cold
Locked behind tall grey stone walls in a dusty fog, alone
You leave me alone
To give me space, to let me breathe
I don’t want to breathe
I don’t want to be alone
Don’t leave

Cradle me
Like a baby
Kiss me
Like you’re crazy
Love me
Super hazy
Touch me
Your lady

Don’t leave