Lilac Dove

I’m definitely in shambles
I want to be cooler
I want to know what you see in her
And how closely or how far apart that is from what you perceive of me, which I believe to be a blur
Are you really getting to know her?
Are you attached, at the hip?
When she talks a lot, do you fail to get a grip?
Do certain words slip?

I’m not interested in that
As a matter of fact
I’ll close my hands over my ears if you ever do tell
For I really don’t want to be overwhelmed
I’m so much more fragile than you think
Sometimes I know you’re at your brink
I see your bones and your ship start to sink
But you’re not mine to take care of, I think
No longer mine

Peach fuzz on my arms
Cherry on a cake
I go through my head counting every mistake
I grill it, I bake and I bake
My delicate hands start to shake
It all starts with you
It all ends with you
I don’t want all of it to end
I don’t want to be blue
My words are always misconstrued
Goddamnit can’t I tell you the truth
I won’t say it, I won’t write that rhyme there

You’re on your own
Tough skin and bones
Let’s see if you can act like the tough guy you think you are
Playing like you’ve got a gun in your trunk and ammunition to spare
You think I’m blissfully unaware
Falling for your smooth moves
After all this is the life I choose
Your hands on the wheel, we cruise and cruise
Many times I’ve wondered if we’ve engaged in abuse

Is that my decision to choose
To stay, to love, to keep
To heal, most of all
To hurt, myself in the running but perhaps you too in ways I don’t know yet
Talk to me like a grown man
Don’t let the blood flow over the edges
Be a man and breathe in when I pour hydrogen peroxide over your fresh red gashes and wounds
You can scream if you want to
You can shout at me, at god, at the nonexistence of any heavenly entity
You can express whatever it is inside of you that’s been eating away like aphids on growing flowers
I see you decay and I want to wash away
Your fears like butterflies
Turn them into bright tangerine skies
Rest your head on my soft thighs

So honey, please stop with the lies
Honey, stop with the lies
This may come as a surprise

My decision
To heal, most of all
Just give me a call
I don’t have to be yours to be important
That’s all

xx,
Elle

I think I’ll win this race but I’m beginning to feel outnumbered

How do you do that

Feel like a crowd of people when you’re a singular identity at one point in time and space

I think it’s the lilacs
You gave me
Lying on my kitchen table
That I need to cut before they suck all of the humidity out of this room
They’ll follow through
And you won’t get it
The reasons
Why anxiety will fill me to the brim
Flower girls exist at every age
They don’t ever sleep
The data’s misconstrued

A dinner date
An avalanche
A boiling hot pour of tea
A boy dressed in white and black
Honestly my favorite sight to see
And it’s all for me?

Poison, dark and heavy
In a laundry hamper
An empty and luxurious perfume bottle
That was saved for a special event

Diamonds and ice cream
He slowly opens his mouth
To say words unreasonable for the evening
But so charming for these whereabouts

I think I’m going down
I’m definitely going down
I think I’m going down
I’m definitely going down

I am alone
Monotone
Disgusting rib bones
A new body I fit in but don’t acclimate into just yet
The outlines wide and far-reaching
My heart fervidly beating
I wish it wouldn’t
As if it couldn’t
I wish you’d call my line
You’re keen as mustard, you’re wretched too
Corrosive and apathetic
Your neutral palette aesthetic
Don’t make me hate you
Don’t make me hate you

I felt loneliness last night
Tried to drink more but the fruity margarita started to make me want to vomit
No pills to take
No medicine for me
To accompany my newfound state
I basked in it
Hugged my dog
Thought about where I went wrong
Thought of the woman I want to be– hopeful and strong
Who wills wishful thinking into action
Positive diary entries
Tending to roses in the garden
Watering her plants correctly and on time
Correctly and on time
Correctly and on time

And you weren’t ever mine
A belonging- to be the property of
I’d huddle inside your jacket, in the crevice of your arm to feel like a small part of you
Feel like I had you by my side and that wasn’t changing
Because- ?
Undetermined clause
A six figure check
One button undone
Cheek kisses not specifically asked or gestured for, but given for free
A bike that was stolen
A tree that was planted
Our whereabouts unknown
One vintage photobooth for two
Becoming closer than ever and not acknowledging it in any way, shape, or form
“My condolences to your mother”
My wish to you, please don’t leave me

Correctly and on time
Correctly and on time
Don’t make me hate you
Don’t make me hate you

I write love poems in pink
But this is not a love poem
This is a story of loss

A lost cause
You thought you were the boss
Always so goddamn cross
You bring me down through the basement door with you
Show me scary things: spiders, lies, manipulation
Without my having asked
I don’t scream, I stay silent, and that is perhaps my own shortcoming in this imperfect history between us

My mouth remains shut when my lips are not on yours
But oh,
My favorite
On your better days, you kiss me and make me feel like I’m worth kissing
Like the world kneels for me
Like I’m the one you claim to love
“That girl”
Innocent, lush, imaginative
Don’t stop kissing me

But you’re dangerous
You leave me empty and cold
Locked behind tall grey stone walls in a dusty fog, alone
You leave me alone
To give me space, to let me breathe
I don’t want to breathe
I don’t want to be alone
Don’t leave

Cradle me
Like a baby
Kiss me
Like you’re crazy
Love me
Super hazy
Touch me
Your lady

Don’t leave

Bloodshed
Tears stain
The grey sweatshirt of yours that I love so much
That you let me wear but you take away when we get in fights
So I hide it in my messy drawer so you can’t find it on the coldest of nights

The way he says,
“Bye”
It breaks through me
Leaves a gash where it sought an entrance
Seeds sow lavender under blue skies
I miss my hand on his brick thigh
At the bar, with his beer, he says loud and clear
“It’s nice to see you here,”
And I agree
Like it’s America and I’m the most free
Elegant pink dress, smooth collarbone and a seat at the bar for two
We love our tradition
Like cops in a film
Radar alert on blast
Solid ice cubes with the draft
Cool kids, how long will we last
We’ll drink to that

Your eyes
Smooth brown in a haze
My most favorite maze
You stare at my gaze and you make biting movements at me, tickle me and tell me
Quiet down little girl
Even though we own the world
You give my seat a twirl
And I’m yours, I’m yours, I’m yours
I don’t want to be anyone else’s
I couldn’t bother with their noise
But you, with your high class poise
My shallow nature you destroy
And your god-forbidden wit you deploy
Hold me, hold me, hold me
Touch me, touch me, touch me
You force me to take a shot with you and as the sensation of fire and crackling runs down my throat I kiss you not once
Not twice
Three times

Once for happiness
Twice for adoration
Three times for the chance of finding someone like you again in my life

One day there will no longer be a you and me
And I can’t help but wonder, who will it be
But I don’t occupy myself with these thoughts for now
In front of me I’ve got a man worth putting on a luxurious evening gown
To march up hundreds of stairs to make it downtown
Throw my arms in the air as he tosses me around

My hand on your knee
Your arm on my side
I keep wondering how
Did I ever find

Someone like you to sit at the bar with
If you had told me earlier, I’d say it’s a myth.