July 3rd

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On July 3rd
When you came over
I promised myself that I wouldn’t get any sicker for you
Flowers bloom
Have little love affairs
You’re mine
At least I hope
And continue to

I stir my morning coffee and
The spoon bangs the ceramic mug
So crisp and loud it hurts my ears
Like you calling my name
Like you screaming my name
To wake me up, when I’m awake
To get me to listen to you
The loud bang serves as a reminder and
Although its not pleasant its still a taste of you
Burnt, no sugar, no cream, harsh
In a small white ceramic mug I take you in
Slowly, small sips, add a bit of cream, add a bit of sugar
Like in my dreams
Like when you’re nice to me, but never kind
I love you just the same
I don’t know just what kind of game
You play with me when you take me and flip me upside down and shake me for your entertainment, I don’t like it but it’s your game So I’m your toy

I love you just the same
Like when you’re nice to me, but never kind
Burnt, no sugar, no cream, harsh
Like you screaming my name
So crisp and loud it hurts my ears
Like in my dreams

Like in my dreams
I love you just the same

Black

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I sing into teacups
Because they
Drown out the noise

Down at the skate park
With my headphones on
Here come the boys

I grew a garden
Up in the sky
No temper tantrums

Cobwebs in corners
Standing on tip toes
Thinking how handsome

Getting smaller
Not trying to
The comfiest mattress

Lana’s voice is silk
It fulfills me
When I fade into blackness

Him and his hat
I adore both
Though they bring sadness

I am your fake smile
Make your wish well
Photographs are static

Applying regret
Holding together tact
Resume composure

Oh god please
Don’t you tell me
That this is over

Though they bring sadness
Though they bring sadness
When I fade into blackness
When I fade into blackness

“Girl” requirements

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James Dean boy
Condescending
Sometimes cruel
I think you kind of rule
Your hair, which falls perfectly
For me to run my fingers through
Hoping you like it
Hoping I’m fulfilling my “girl” requirements
Or “lover” requirements for the daytime

Making me giggle when you drive with your knees
Forgetting to say please
And thank you
But manners at the dinner table
Polite conversation
At first
Political rants
You’re so cute when you’re passionate
I like when your eyes gleam
Sometimes you make me want to scream

And I did once, I think
You caught me right off the brink
It was by the kitchen sink
And you sprung backward
Appalled, you got mad
Ready to go
Upset
But I calmed the both of us down
Fulfilling another “girl” requirement

With you I trust all of my hunches
I buy mums in bunches
I still remember when you bought me flowers
It was the loveliest of hours
I am a downtown city-type girl
But you make me feel like I’m by the countryside
Writing by the river about my sweet boy
I hope you understand me the way I understand you
One day, it’ll be true
One day

Behind me

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Trying to think about something that isn’t you
But is it true
That you’re a liar too

It goes on and on in my head
The sweet looks you give me
But first and foremost I know you’re coy
Don’t laugh at me boy

I devised a plan to get you to me but now it’s all crumbled up and in the trash
Because I don’t need that
I don’t need to chase after you
I’ve got deeper magnitudes
Besides, I’m softer than you
And spiraling and talking about Malibu
Trying to remember, to remember

Is it overbearing or underwhelming?
I’m a mere shadow on a casket
I’m sleek and I chirp like a little finch
I do it all to get you closer, just an inch
But if I’m not your only then what can I be
A plain taken-with-no-sugar cup of tea
Where else but me will you find serenity
And how selfish of me is that

It all exists in the abstract
You and me– we divide– then come together and dive
Into our own separate seas where you are you and I am me
And we barely communicate through our treacherous waters
Don’t admit that we want escape
That we want someone there with us

You can call me
Come find me
Hold me real nicely
But don’t let me run from you
Because when I do
I go far

Malibu (you)

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Over the phone you speak softly to me
“Do you want to come see me”
And I do but I can’t breathe
I’m soft and small with grey embers
In a palace with no pretenders
But I think there’s something about the way you missed my calls
A cunning scheme about you
Like you’re getting an applause
Like you’re a lost cause

Minimal engagement
If we do it’s sacred
I write about you, scream about you, cry about you in ways that you couldn’t even feel
If only you would just learn to deal
And not spend so much effort to conceal
The strength and sincerity in you
But I can’t seem to get through
So I’m on my way to Malibu
Thinking of you, you, you

Wishing for you, you, you