July 22, still want you

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And suddenly I don’t feel so bad about asking you those questions
What are the things you like about her
Me, I sound like a jealous whore
But I’m not
I’m not
I just want you all to myself
Don’t waste your breath
Because if it’s not me, it’s someone else
And that to me, brings a lot of stress
A lot of pain to digest

Suddenly I don’t feel so bad about kissing you all over
If it wasn’t me, you’d find another girl
That’s what I’m stuck in– this aching world
Where people replace each other
Where you don’t say it because you don’t want to be a bother
When I look at you and start thinking like a mother
It’s all on parchment and it’s all ink black
Never got the final days to rest before a heart attack
Climb through to me and throw your wild head back
I don’t want to be temporary
I don’t want to be temporary

I’m scared that you see me as disposable
Like whatever you say goes in one ear and out the other
I may be awfully forgetful but I don’t mean for that to happen
I want to know everything in blue, shades of orange, pink hues
The grass is black and the sky remains blue
When you look at me, what do you want to do?

Take me out to get ice cream at the nondairy place?
Slap me so hard that I’m red in the face?
Hold me in the chilling but warmest embrace?
Look me dead in the face
And I’ll chisel away your stress from your day
Be the kindest girl you’ve ever met
Take your boots off, get onto my bed
Hold me, hold me, hold me
Tell me how you really feel
If you feel anything at all

I don’t want this to be temporary
I don’t want this to be temporary
I’m scared that you see me as disposable
I’m scared that you see me as disposable
When I look at you and start thinking like a mother
Where people replace each other
Because if it’s not me, it’s someone else

A lot of pain to digest

Making melancholy films

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Hydrangeas are the softest flower
My life, has turned painfully sour
Where I go, I don’t know
I cast my seeds, but I don’t sow
I want to dream of a paradise
But every day you’re being not so nice
And I’m fading into the black
It’s starting to feel there’s no turning back

I’m awake at midnight, no early bedtime
The laughter with you, the sweetest of times
I keep it in my heart, somewhere safe
But lately the path to it has felt like a maze
I’m drawing parallels between you and me
But your new girlfriend is far too pretty
Placing symbols on the things you’ve done
Though our deeper love has just begun

I don’t want to be alone all these nights
I want to tell you these things without the hostile fights
Making melancholy films of me undressing
Just to captivate you, stop you from stressing
It’s all for you after all
And deeper into madness I continue to fall
Until finally there’s nothing left of me
You’ll have used me up, don’t you see

I want the passion and the sunrise
I want you to show up, come by by surprise
Capture me in my best light
At least start by saying good night
You’re wild and you’re free, won’t you share
When I spin out of control, won’t you care

I want to be your absolute
But let’s start with telling each other the complete truth
I know it’s hard to do
I know it’s hard to do
I know it’s hard to do
I know it’s hard to do

July 3rd

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On July 3rd
When you came over
I promised myself that I wouldn’t get any sicker for you
Flowers bloom
Have little love affairs
You’re mine
At least I hope
And continue to

I stir my morning coffee and
The spoon bangs the ceramic mug
So crisp and loud it hurts my ears
Like you calling my name
Like you screaming my name
To wake me up, when I’m awake
To get me to listen to you
The loud bang serves as a reminder and
Although its not pleasant its still a taste of you
Burnt, no sugar, no cream, harsh
In a small white ceramic mug I take you in
Slowly, small sips, add a bit of cream, add a bit of sugar
Like in my dreams
Like when you’re nice to me, but never kind
I love you just the same
I don’t know just what kind of game
You play with me when you take me and flip me upside down and shake me for your entertainment, I don’t like it but it’s your game So I’m your toy

I love you just the same
Like when you’re nice to me, but never kind
Burnt, no sugar, no cream, harsh
Like you screaming my name
So crisp and loud it hurts my ears
Like in my dreams

Like in my dreams
I love you just the same

Black

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I sing into teacups
Because they
Drown out the noise

Down at the skate park
With my headphones on
Here come the boys

I grew a garden
Up in the sky
No temper tantrums

Cobwebs in corners
Standing on tip toes
Thinking how handsome

Getting smaller
Not trying to
The comfiest mattress

Lana’s voice is silk
It fulfills me
When I fade into blackness

Him and his hat
I adore both
Though they bring sadness

I am your fake smile
Make your wish well
Photographs are static

Applying regret
Holding together tact
Resume composure

Oh god please
Don’t you tell me
That this is over

Though they bring sadness
Though they bring sadness
When I fade into blackness
When I fade into blackness

“Girl” requirements

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James Dean boy
Condescending
Sometimes cruel
I think you kind of rule
Your hair, which falls perfectly
For me to run my fingers through
Hoping you like it
Hoping I’m fulfilling my “girl” requirements
Or “lover” requirements for the daytime

Making me giggle when you drive with your knees
Forgetting to say please
And thank you
But manners at the dinner table
Polite conversation
At first
Political rants
You’re so cute when you’re passionate
I like when your eyes gleam
Sometimes you make me want to scream

And I did once, I think
You caught me right off the brink
It was by the kitchen sink
And you sprung backward
Appalled, you got mad
Ready to go
Upset
But I calmed the both of us down
Fulfilling another “girl” requirement

With you I trust all of my hunches
I buy mums in bunches
I still remember when you bought me flowers
It was the loveliest of hours
I am a downtown city-type girl
But you make me feel like I’m by the countryside
Writing by the river about my sweet boy
I hope you understand me the way I understand you
One day, it’ll be true
One day