Category: Uncategorized

Poem: Your candlelight (my escape); Monday, September 27, 2021

There’s no “do or die” with you
Because I’m – I’m not with you
That’s the “want to die” part

Sleeping until morning with you sounds okay and fun
But I want to stay up arguing until the morning sun
Blinds you if only to bliss you
Close my eyes and my ears when I kiss you
Tell you to great lengths of how much I miss you
But is this you?

Am I seeing the real you?
Do I know you?
I understand the role you’re playing, I see the person you’re trying to be
The goals you have written on your whiteboard that hangs at a slanted angle because you like it that way
The monster inside you that I told you [no matter who it is] I would accept anyway
Wouldn’t have you any other way
Mine,
Stay

Then August came
Like a wind of wrath, it spit fire
You turned a year older and converted your carcass into a liar
Missed phone calls
Train tickets
(You tore my insides apart)
You made me so scared that you would depart
I stopped writing poems, stopped working on my art
Unexplained visits
(Who were they?)
Missing car keys
(Who was driving?)
You kept saying I was beautiful, but then you kept lying
Was it impossible for you to see how hard I was trying?

When you punched the dashboard
When you punched the backdoors
When you punched the bathroom floor
And I took pictures of your chaos
Because I was so in love
I was so in love
I was so in love
I was so in love
My sparkling white haze, my lilac dove
I knew only in God’s world could this be true love
Maddening, maddening
Crystals, crystals
Rocks and marbles of all different colors
Aquamarine and thirty shades of green
I’ll be there for you, both in terror and the serene
You’re too perfect to never be seen

You were my favourite crazy, convoluted gemstone and I chewed you raw until I broke my teeth on your intricately segmented bones

Crystallized and pure, the gem of residue
The glue that connects my creepy insides to you
The magnetic essence of hot beach days in Malibu
You were so soft, what happened?
Did I do the damage?
Did all my hard work crash down onto your beautiful face?
Is it my own blood that I taste?
And have begun to crave?
Is there redemption in the aching, perplexing guilt
The unmanageable, chaotic, disabling tilt
Of your glance when you look at me in the mirror
In my head it’s assembling, it’s only getting clearer
You are not someone to love but someone to fear
Oh my god
Oh my god
What am I doing here

I’m hyperaware of the feelings you have in regard to the weight of what we were
But I no longer recognize myself in you
I stare hard, I stare harder, but I cannot undo
The wreck in the hard-wiring I thought that I knew
I’m no longer magical to you
I’m insignificant to you.
In everything I do
In everything I do
When you look at my softness, you only see two
Blank, black pupils staring back at you
Blank, black pupils

I’m brave when I’m lost, that means nothing to you
Gemstones, gemstones
Endless incumbent residue
You’ve got a magnifying glass to a tulip, and you’re scarring the seas, the blue
Is this madness particularly painful for you?
Do you sickle like a cell, like the tragedies do?

My escape was you and only you

Five in the morning, I wake up every day to a melody that takes me away
(somewhere pink, somewhere nice, dazed and upbeat)
But when the record comes to an end
I can’t continue to lie, I’m too “adult” to pretend
That I don’t dream of you wrapping your brooding arms around me and holding me tight
Asking me fondly if I had a good or rough night
And kissing me goodbye before work, without any fright

If I could just be your candlelight,

But I’m too pitch black.
I didn’t mean it
Please come back

I didn’t mean it.
(I’m too pitch black)
Every night without you, it’s the light that I lack
I’m too pitch black

I’m too pitch black
I’m too pitch black

• Mail
• Instagram
• Soundcloud

Deep cherry like the water in your blood

I’m crimson again
Deep cherry
Go to Newport Beach to ride on the ferry
Pink-shaded sunglasses
All my gals with me
Celebrating the day I said goodbye

Got a Seven Peaks bicycle
I’m going to ride ’round the city
Pink lip gloss, so that I look pretty
For nobody in particular but me
Head to downtown LA
The bleakest alleys in the city
I like the sound of electric guitar, smoke some black tar
Jan Axel Blomberg is emailing me sound strips from hell
Contact lenses
Under suspension
I look real clean in court, it’s all pretension
Forgot to mention

I’m my own best advocate but my statements are bleak

In case I ever get scared
In case I ever get scared

I like burnet moths and swallowtail butterflies
I missed your last call
Why don’t you ever leave me voicemails?
To listen to for the nostalgia, after the relationship grows stale
Works without fail
Me and my friends are addicted to them vape pens
Fill the entire room with smoke
Screens for the serene
A fox’s tail

I love getting the mail
The walk down there is paved with a grey-brick road
Got a Taurus G2c to unload
In case I ever get scared
Fearful in the dark
Tuesdays we walk to the park
Kel-Tec PMR-30 in the back
It’s okay to start and stop as long as you start again
It’s okay to be scared and then brave as long as you pretend

I’m not happy with my appearance
Some days I wish I was more fearless
The front entrance gate to your loft has stone gargoyles and your bed has satin sheets
Your bath curtain is a pattern of ducks that always makes me smile
This isn’t a love poem
I just wanted to say
The days that I see you, those are the good days
The rest is decay

Stone gargoyles & satin sheets

My skin color is grey
Because I’m not motivated enough to change how I’m living
But I’m reading the books that the older people do
And I ride my bike four in the morning ’till two
And I clean up real nice after I’m covered in dirt
I say mean words that make others hurt
Defense mechanisms we’ve learnt

I say this not because I’m proud but because I want you to know
Knowing me is not something I let a lot of people do
So when you hug me goodbye give me fourteen reasons why
Sticking along with you is good for the ride
I’ve fallen behind
Lost trace of myself
How can you learn anything new if you only read the books on your own bookshelf?

Instagram Envelope Soundcloud Tiktok

Biking and good friends will bring me back to good health
If that’s a place I want for myself

I’m crimson again
Deep cherry trees
Hot in the sunshine like fresh, cold wine
Renovating myself in the summertime
I’ll be just fine

Like fresh, cold wine
I’ll be just fine

Deep cherry trees
I’m crimson again
With hot blood venom