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Love poem: Work phone (could have)

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Love poem: Work phone

Originally titled: Scattered in assembly, grief like parasites

Let’s see if the other songs make me feel the same
In the summer you would wildly bake
I’m making cookies for you
I’m so wrapped up
I’m losing track of time
The thought of you along with me for the ride sounds mighty sweet
Peaches in the summertime
Salt underneath the white sunlight

You tell me I have a way with words
I don’t talk to you

I been trying to find a band that makes music like yours does
If it’s snowing outside, then I’ll know it
If you’re hopeful about us, I hope you show it
Ambivalent remarks
I have a reason to be mad
But you know I don’t like to get like that
The soft, almost hypnotic but still remaining delicate, haze leaves embers that are more like satin than I could envision, truly
Truly I won’t ever forget about you
Even when I’m in my bedroom and there’s nothing else to do
I draw fine point flowers, the ways you liked
You’d carry your bike up the stairs
You were the perfect height

Underneath that tree that looks like a willow tree, but it’s not
Yeah, I get caught in my fears
And yeah, I haven’t heard your voice in years
I go to the market and buy flowers for none other than myself
I’m so selfish, it seems
I’m not who you want me to be
I’m so much better & I decided against writing you a letter
You probably never get the mail

I was so shy the whole time
But I wasn’t tearing myself apart inside
A healthy alarm
A life on a Midwest farm
In Chicago I always felt sad for the horses carrying the carriages
& I thought about how beautiful marriage is

I’m obsessive over pearl white highlighter for my cheeks
You could have called me from your work phone
If you wanted it that badly, you could have called me from your work phone
I don’t count the numbers when I’m cycling down the street
I have your first song on repeat
I love that you wrote it about me

Go back when, go back when trails were fierce
My blouse, then, on fire, ashes coating my decay
It felt so bad
It felt so bad
You didn’t notice I missed you when I’d find myself next to empty space
You couldn’t have known, just call me on the phone
You could’ve called me from your work phone

I was scared that when the clouds would disappear my imagination would be as the vacant sky
Vast, open land
Ill-fated farmer’s tan
Picking strawberries, with you they were so sweet
I asked if you knew what you were doing to me
Our secret spot by the bar with the brutal death metal concert posters all over the walls
I loved you when I was in hell
Thousands of secrets I never got to tell
Nothing you have is from me to keep
I only sing to you when you’re falling asleep

Coat me in amphetamines
Coat me in amphetamines
One of us knows each other the best
The darkness fades away, I put it to rest
Flourish in the marine ecosystem like I just learned how to swim and I feel like I never ever want to stop
Yeah, I know about mirror neurons
And I know my long blue dress turns you on
I remember all of our songs
I knew what was under the rug all along
I only pretended to misplace your things

You never got ahold of me
You never got ahold of me
Not saying goodbye was awfully bold of me
That’s not what I’m like, but my mind just changed
Summers covered with insurmountable levels of pain
Everything adds up
You won’t catch up
Coat me in amphetamines
You could have called me from your work phone

You could have called











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Poem: Play the part (soft amber)

distantcaveLeave a comment

Poem: Play the part (soft amber)

Okay
I think I’ve gone mad
I cough in waves
A sphere of ballet-slipper pink encompasses me
The sole holder of what is now devoid
Empty nest
Cradle me
Hold me tight in the wind
I’m in distressed fashion, but not plastic
Changed my state of mind, nothing too drastic
Won’t call or rush you, I know you’ll panic
Can’t get enough of you, even after I’ve had it

Cashmere sweater to say hello to me
Cologne that moves me like sand taken back by the waves into the dawning paradise
The white sunshine’s rays take over the garden and backyard
I’m slender and concave
Hand on my neck
The mist of you breathing is like a slow song by violin
I go up in fumes
I like the sight of you
I’m delicate, not angry
I’m fine with a spoon and strawberry-mint sherbet
I like the things you say

We get along, so it’s easy
I blush and you tease me
You help me believe in

Clusters of smoke that I’ll find myself on the other side of
Passengers, waiting, anxious, gold watches
Time consumes eternity for eternity
The server is nice and kind
He smiles at both of us at the same time
We laugh, we don’t think he’s an ordinary guy
Make up worlds and things to comment on
My literature is your marketplace
My bookshelf is always kept well-dusted in the case that you visit
I’m prepared with strawberry lip balm
Rose-coloured cheek tint
Floral fragrance
Never forgotten
You call me quite often

 


On time every time
Dressed to look and play the part
Dressed how I like
Amber tones in your skin

I sip my afternoon tea and think
Of the way you looked when you turned towards me
Like entering a rose garden
Like getting home before six
Like clean dishes and cut grass
We love doing chores, we never get bored
We love telling each other our daily correspondences and farewells
We love sharing this satin sofa like its royal blue colour makes us think of wet blueberries on Monday morning
Fruit in plastic bags
Plastic bags in work bags
Work bags on shoulder
Three takes to get the perfect kiss just right

I’ll be seeing you in a few hours
And I’m so proud to play the part


You make it feel right











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Poem: To tell you the truth

distantcaveLeave a comment

Let me tell you something that is true
The dining room is where I love dancing with you
I love swing-sets and fourteen-digit numbers and chamomile tea in the evenings
Ginger chews from Trader Joe’s
My life created into soft prose
Paint chips
Mandarins
Home Depot with you, choosing a garden hose
To spray you with water when you’re power-washing the car
To run away with you and drive directly into the stars
Never be bossy
Make you start flossing
I love the way you look at me like I’m not an object
Like something inside me will suffice
Like I’ve moved past the years that were the hardest

I cannot stop blinking to look directly into the lens
A penchant for fine-point black ink pens
A love affair with that E-350 Mercedes Benz
Later we’ll look back to each other and say “remember when”
Sweetness while you’re changing lanes
Taking film photographs in front of semi’s holding propane
Washing my face after all of the rain
Hold me and tell me, you won’t bring me pain
Nothing to lose, everything to gain



I take careful note of your advances
So I can afford to give you more chances
You don’t give me compliments but it’ll be nice when you do
Cleaning off last February’s residue
I’m real modest but admire myself, I do
I send you warm thoughts, I hope they come true
Oh, you have no clue


My long peach nails make quite the sound as I type
We look through fashion magazines – the cultured, the refined
Bend over backwards for each other because it’s been enough time
Don’t let your wildest dreams pass you right by
I remember that life
Lemons and a knife
Thought I was far too damaged to stay alive
Now you’re asking me why
I love paint when it’s dry
When the molten lava makes for a good swim
You with your glasses, so focused on the win
That you can’t make out the green eyes of the girl you’re with

You leave me voicemails and I think that’s awfully cute
I’d pick up where we left off but I don’t want to intrude
Can’t tell if you like my humor or think that it’s rude
Nothing in this world is absolute

And to tell you the truth
Oh, you have no clue

You have no clue


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Poem: Your candlelight (my escape)

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Poem: Your candlelight (my escape); Monday, September 27, 2021

There’s no “do or die” with you
Because I’m – I’m not with you
That’s the “want to die” part

Sleeping until morning with you sounds okay and fun
But I want to stay up arguing until the morning sun
Blinds you if only to bliss you
Close my eyes and my ears when I kiss you
Tell you to great lengths of how much I miss you
But is this you?

Am I seeing the real you?
Do I know you?
I understand the role you’re playing, I see the person you’re trying to be
The goals you have written on your whiteboard that hangs at a slanted angle because you like it that way
The monster inside you that I told you [no matter who it is] I would accept anyway
Wouldn’t have you any other way
Mine,
Stay

Then August came
Like a wind of wrath, it spit fire
You turned a year older and converted your carcass into a liar
Missed phone calls
Train tickets
(You tore my insides apart)
You made me so scared that you would depart
I stopped writing poems, stopped working on my art
Unexplained visits
(Who were they?)
Missing car keys
(Who was driving?)
You kept saying I was beautiful, but then you kept lying
Was it impossible for you to see how hard I was trying?

When you punched the dashboard
When you punched the backdoors
When you punched the bathroom floor
And I took pictures of your chaos
Because I was so in love
I was so in love
I was so in love
I was so in love
My sparkling white haze, my lilac dove
I knew only in God’s world could this be true love
Maddening, maddening
Crystals, crystals
Rocks and marbles of all different colors
Aquamarine and thirty shades of green
I’ll be there for you, both in terror and the serene
You’re too perfect to never be seen

You were my favourite crazy, convoluted gemstone and I chewed you raw until I broke my teeth on your intricately segmented bones

Crystallized and pure, the gem of residue
The glue that connects my creepy insides to you
The magnetic essence of hot beach days in Malibu
You were so soft, what happened?
Did I do the damage?
Did all my hard work crash down onto your beautiful face?
Is it my own blood that I taste?
And have begun to crave?
Is there redemption in the aching, perplexing guilt
The unmanageable, chaotic, disabling tilt
Of your glance when you look at me in the mirror
In my head it’s assembling, it’s only getting clearer
You are not someone to love but someone to fear
Oh my god
Oh my god
What am I doing here

I’m hyperaware of the feelings you have in regard to the weight of what we were
But I no longer recognize myself in you
I stare hard, I stare harder, but I cannot undo
The wreck in the hard-wiring I thought that I knew
I’m no longer magical to you
I’m insignificant to you.
In everything I do
In everything I do
When you look at my softness, you only see two
Blank, black pupils staring back at you
Blank, black pupils

I’m brave when I’m lost, that means nothing to you
Gemstones, gemstones
Endless incumbent residue
You’ve got a magnifying glass to a tulip, and you’re scarring the seas, the blue
Is this madness particularly painful for you?
Do you sickle like a cell, like the tragedies do?

My escape was you and only you

Five in the morning, I wake up every day to a melody that takes me away
(somewhere pink, somewhere nice, dazed and upbeat)
But when the record comes to an end
I can’t continue to lie, I’m too “adult” to pretend
That I don’t dream of you wrapping your brooding arms around me and holding me tight
Asking me fondly if I had a good or rough night
And kissing me goodbye before work, without any fright

If I could just be your candlelight,

But I’m too pitch black.
I didn’t mean it
Please come back

I didn’t mean it.
(I’m too pitch black)
Every night without you, it’s the light that I lack
I’m too pitch black

I’m too pitch black
I’m too pitch black

Deep cherry like the water in your blood

distantcave1 Comment

Deep cherry like the water in your blood

I’m crimson again
Deep cherry
Go to Newport Beach to ride on the ferry
Pink-shaded sunglasses
All my gals with me
Celebrating the day I said goodbye

Got a Seven Peaks bicycle
I’m going to ride ’round the city
Pink lip gloss, so that I look pretty
For nobody in particular but me
Head to downtown LA
The bleakest alleys in the city
I like the sound of electric guitar, smoke some black tar
Jan Axel Blomberg is emailing me sound strips from hell
Contact lenses
Under suspension
I look real clean in court, it’s all pretension
Forgot to mention

I’m my own best advocate but my statements are bleak

In case I ever get scared
In case I ever get scared

I like burnet moths and swallowtail butterflies
I missed your last call
Why don’t you ever leave me voicemails?
To listen to for the nostalgia, after the relationship grows stale
Works without fail
Me and my friends are addicted to them vape pens
Fill the entire room with smoke
Screens for the serene
A fox’s tail

I love getting the mail
The walk down there is paved with a grey-brick road
Got a Taurus G2c to unload
In case I ever get scared
Fearful in the dark
Tuesdays we walk to the park
Kel-Tec PMR-30 in the back
It’s okay to start and stop as long as you start again
It’s okay to be scared and then brave as long as you pretend

I’m not happy with my appearance
Some days I wish I was more fearless
The front entrance gate to your loft has stone gargoyles and your bed has satin sheets
Your bath curtain is a pattern of ducks that always makes me smile
This isn’t a love poem
I just wanted to say
The days that I see you, those are the good days
The rest is decay

Stone gargoyles & satin sheets

My skin color is grey
Because I’m not motivated enough to change how I’m living
But I’m reading the books that the older people do
And I ride my bike four in the morning ’till two
And I clean up real nice after I’m covered in dirt
I say mean words that make others hurt
Defense mechanisms we’ve learnt

I say this not because I’m proud but because I want you to know
Knowing me is not something I let a lot of people do
So when you hug me goodbye give me fourteen reasons why
Sticking along with you is good for the ride
I’ve fallen behind
Lost trace of myself
How can you learn anything new if you only read the books on your own bookshelf?

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Biking and good friends will bring me back to good health
If that’s a place I want for myself

I’m crimson again
Deep cherry trees
Hot in the sunshine like fresh, cold wine
Renovating myself in the summertime
I’ll be just fine

Like fresh, cold wine
I’ll be just fine

Deep cherry trees
I’m crimson again
With hot blood venom