Matter (cobain)

My friends don’t read my poetry
Even when they say they do
They don’t know black from blue
They don’t know deranged like I do

My friends don’t text me back
Nobody sees me as important
I’m real funny, know that for sure
But when things get real, people get bored
A pretty girl in a stained dress is such an eyesore

My friends don’t come pick me up, say I live too far
I’m in the middle of nowhere next to an empty park
I’d go running at night but I’m scared of the dark
Scared of having to tell officers I don’t know my way home
The sound of cars used to soothe me to sleep
Now it won’t leave me alone
Too nostalgic for the city
That was when people thought I was pretty
We’d lay on the ground and laugh
Like, I got your back
No matter how far

My friends don’t exist in my life anymore
Unless I make one up, like Cobain
My god, that man was in such pain
He understood what it felt like to be annoyed
How impossible it is to fill a black-and-white void
Because when they no longer love you, they destroy

Forty seconds till it matters
Rain on my roof, pitter patter
Basement rats, watch them scatter
I just wish I fucking mattered

I just wish I-

Your needs (horrifying)

Inside of you there’s something horrifying that nobody can touch
I’ve seen it
I’ve felt it
It was inescapable because I loved you so much
I’d crumble straight into dust
And you’d put on your yellow gloves
And do what you do
You get rid of me
Dark charcoal clouds of animosity
For what?

Your fear of being too much
For one person
Because you know how hard you can crush a girl like me like stained glass
A vase that’s been holding your freshest flowers and keeping them alive for a year
Blended into the scenery
You, unimpressed with the blooming
Coming home, everyday fuming
White roses on Cherry Ave
I loved that day, how about you

Emergency calls
Getting so mad you punch holes in my walls
Loved you so much I didn’t mind
Loved you so much I paid the fine
I let it go every single time
You were gone when you were mine
Loved you so much I thought things were fine
Loved you so much with or without the wine
You didn’t believe me

You didn’t need me
You needed
Help

None of my friends said “happy birthday”

None of my friends wished me a happy birthday
And I forgot to do the laundry, my stained black dress
I contemplated if my life was a mess
But I wanted to be positive from now on
The kind of girl that tries pretty lingerie on
With the curtains closed and the Christmas lights shining
To feel so divine, so divine
Whether or not you’re mine, you’re mine
You’re not mine

None of my friends knew it was my birthday
The same way they don’t read my poetry
It’s a tiny bit saddening to me
I don’t want to wallow in my own spit
Don’t want to produce a habit out of it
Want to come home to all the lights shining, lit
I can’t get over it

None of my friends got me gifts for my birthday
You know all I really love are greeting cards
A present without one is no present at all
Yet no presents at all doesn’t feel so bizarre
It’s always been this way as far as I can tell
My worth as a person, that’s a value I can’t sell
I can’t get over it
I can’t get over it

I want to come home to all the lights on, lit
I want to run circles around my friends and say “tag, you’re it”
I want a celebration of my birthday to be a habit of it
I can’t get over it

Video Games

Play me like a video game
I’ll make you do things that’ll make you feel ashamed
Boy, boy
You’re engrained in my brain
But you can’t stop the pain
It comes like hurricanes
But it doesn’t go

Boy, boy
With your video games
Better say my name
Right, right
Invite me to spend the night
Even though all your roommates do is fight
Being in bed holding your hand is really quite nice
I’m engaged to the night

We can block out the noise
Treat each other like toys
I’m just a blonde girl and you’re one of the boys
Encapsulated by this

Play me like a video game
The way you talk to me drives me insane
You know I’m wild and you, you’re soft and you’re tame
Boy pour me some crisp champagne
Boy, boy
You take away all the pain
Except when you go

Unlucky

It’s 6 in the morning, the time I usually wake up, but I haven’t closed my eyes yet
I spent all night choking myself
Thinking I’m not going anywhere with this gig
The same old thing
This long ol’ stretch
It’s beginning to work its way up my neck
Like a python, babe
You love to misbehave

You like to take me to that dark, dark place
Be the one only thing I can hold still to grab to
Get really attached to
Let my blonde hair down
Light a couple of matches
Birthday candles for two
I never said I was in love with you

The cashiers always watch me shake to pieces
They never ask, just watch
When my cut-up fingers rummage through my flamingo wallet
The zipper’s broken & I’m holding up the line
I wonder if they think I’m nervous
As if they’re so important
But they are important
To their families, maybe
Just not to me
Just not to me

My eyes feel so hollow
Like you could eat pudding out of my sockets
You roll out of your Benz and you lock it
Not once, not twice
A series of trials
For now I’ll remain in denial
Whatever it takes to hold your hand for a while

Pretty girls like me don’t smile
We’re the unlucky ones
I’m so dependent on my gun
Walk around town
Conceal and carry
Like wild, wild berries
You say the word, I’ll let you know which direction you should run
Hair bleached, face burned by the sun
On the count of one

Run