Month: June 2020

I think I’ll win this race but I’m beginning to feel outnumbered

How do you do that

Feel like a crowd of people when you’re a singular identity at one point in time and space

I think it’s the lilacs
You gave me
Lying on my kitchen table
That I need to cut before they suck all of the humidity out of this room
They’ll follow through
And you won’t get it
The reasons
Why anxiety will fill me to the brim
Flower girls exist at every age
They don’t ever sleep
The data’s misconstrued

A dinner date
An avalanche
A boiling hot pour of tea
A boy dressed in white and black
Honestly my favorite sight to see
And it’s all for me?

Poison, dark and heavy
In a laundry hamper
An empty and luxurious perfume bottle
That was saved for a special event

Diamonds and ice cream
He slowly opens his mouth
To say words unreasonable for the evening
But so charming for these whereabouts

I think I’m going down
I’m definitely going down
I think I’m going down
I’m definitely going down

I am alone
Monotone
Disgusting rib bones
A new body I fit in but don’t acclimate into just yet
The outlines wide and far-reaching
My heart fervidly beating
I wish it wouldn’t
As if it couldn’t
I wish you’d call my line
You’re keen as mustard, you’re wretched too
Corrosive and apathetic
Your neutral palette aesthetic
Don’t make me hate you
Don’t make me hate you

I felt loneliness last night
Tried to drink more but the fruity margarita started to make me want to vomit
No pills to take
No medicine for me
To accompany my newfound state
I basked in it
Hugged my dog
Thought about where I went wrong
Thought of the woman I want to be– hopeful and strong
Who wills wishful thinking into action
Positive diary entries
Tending to roses in the garden
Watering her plants correctly and on time
Correctly and on time
Correctly and on time

And you weren’t ever mine
A belonging- to be the property of
I’d huddle inside your jacket, in the crevice of your arm to feel like a small part of you
Feel like I had you by my side and that wasn’t changing
Because- ?
Undetermined clause
A six figure check
One button undone
Cheek kisses not specifically asked or gestured for, but given for free
A bike that was stolen
A tree that was planted
Our whereabouts unknown
One vintage photobooth for two
Becoming closer than ever and not acknowledging it in any way, shape, or form
“My condolences to your mother”
My wish to you, please don’t leave me

Correctly and on time
Correctly and on time
Don’t make me hate you
Don’t make me hate you

I write love poems in pink
But this is not a love poem
This is a story of loss

A lost cause
You thought you were the boss
Always so goddamn cross
You bring me down through the basement door with you
Show me scary things: spiders, lies, manipulation
Without my having asked
I don’t scream, I stay silent, and that is perhaps my own shortcoming in this imperfect history between us

My mouth remains shut when my lips are not on yours
But oh,
My favorite
On your better days, you kiss me and make me feel like I’m worth kissing
Like the world kneels for me
Like I’m the one you claim to love
“That girl”
Innocent, lush, imaginative
Don’t stop kissing me

But you’re dangerous
You leave me empty and cold
Locked behind tall grey stone walls in a dusty fog, alone
You leave me alone
To give me space, to let me breathe
I don’t want to breathe
I don’t want to be alone
Don’t leave

Cradle me
Like a baby
Kiss me
Like you’re crazy
Love me
Super hazy
Touch me
Your lady

Don’t leave

Bloodshed
Tears stain
The grey sweatshirt of yours that I love so much
That you let me wear but you take away when we get in fights
So I hide it in my messy drawer so you can’t find it on the coldest of nights

The way he says,
“Bye”
It breaks through me
Leaves a gash where it sought an entrance
Seeds sow lavender under blue skies
I miss my hand on his brick thigh
At the bar, with his beer, he says loud and clear
“It’s nice to see you here,”
And I agree
Like it’s America and I’m the most free
Elegant pink dress, smooth collarbone and a seat at the bar for two
We love our tradition
Like cops in a film
Radar alert on blast
Solid ice cubes with the draft
Cool kids, how long will we last
We’ll drink to that

Your eyes
Smooth brown in a haze
My most favorite maze
You stare at my gaze and you make biting movements at me, tickle me and tell me
Quiet down little girl
Even though we own the world
You give my seat a twirl
And I’m yours, I’m yours, I’m yours
I don’t want to be anyone else’s
I couldn’t bother with their noise
But you, with your high class poise
My shallow nature you destroy
And your god-forbidden wit you deploy
Hold me, hold me, hold me
Touch me, touch me, touch me
You force me to take a shot with you and as the sensation of fire and crackling runs down my throat I kiss you not once
Not twice
Three times

Once for happiness
Twice for adoration
Three times for the chance of finding someone like you again in my life

One day there will no longer be a you and me
And I can’t help but wonder, who will it be
But I don’t occupy myself with these thoughts for now
In front of me I’ve got a man worth putting on a luxurious evening gown
To march up hundreds of stairs to make it downtown
Throw my arms in the air as he tosses me around

My hand on your knee
Your arm on my side
I keep wondering how
Did I ever find

Someone like you to sit at the bar with
If you had told me earlier, I’d say it’s a myth.

For you
All the film in the world
Developed and processed by yours truly
I come here to River North
Where the stingy, thin dudes hang out alone with their best companions, their cameras
A best companion to have indeed
I can’t argue a statement
In place of a lover at times
Fits in a bag and zooms at crisp angles
But I, I’m a lucky one
I’ve got both a camera and a lover
A sweet, charming kind
I’m going to make you mine
After all, it happens all the time
My turn to land me a dime

I take footage of you
Anything and everything you do
Side profile of a model who couldn’t model if he tried
You give me a cheap smirk and inside I almost die
A cheap flannel and you’re ace
The passenger seat is my place
You told me to stop you from smoking but you look oh so cool dragging that tar pit trap, he sang to us in our early school days
And there it comes on the radio
You dance like you’re out of place
Like a baby fumbling around a car seat
At least you’re humming to the right beat
My date for the night is so neat
Sometimes life feels so complete

I’m looking in your light brown eyes
Your hand innocently rests between my thighs
Can’t help but grasp how you’re single
“Do you ever get out, do you mingle?”
Not for a profession, no
You’ve got me losing control, woah
Your bed is only compiled of a mattress and I make fun of your lack of infrastructure so with the bedding you aim to suffocate me
But my eyes are closed and I’m having a ball
At that moment I really had it all
Wasn’t answering any of my missed calls
I knew I was going to be your pitfall

I laugh and I struggle and I think to myself, you must be so strong
To hold a young girl captive is really so wrong
I try to break free by asking you to change the song
But it’s by voice-command so you hold me all night long
I knew we’d get along

And I rest on your chest
Cradle my body against yours
Ask you a few more things
About your peace and your wars
Run my fingers through your soft, brown hair
Like chestnut wood, gleaming
Warmth like boiling water, steaming
And I can feel you squeaming
Like it’s been a while since you’ve been with a girl
Like you’re not ready to let her into your world
Affection is one thing but love is out of the question
Intangible
Unscripted
Unwanted
And you don’t know what will be on my mind when those topics enter my cerebral cortex

Though tonight I’m holding on tight
Because boys keep hurting me and I think I found a nice one
That I can go driving with
Run to the market with for chrysanthemums
Share the absolute nonsense that encompasses my experiences in the joy of life
And maybe when the pain comes, it doesn’t have to be intentionally targeted at me
No fist fights
No drunken brawls and cleaning up blood from disorder and confusion
No hiding in the bathroom with the door locked
A boy who lets a girl capture his light not only on camera but off of it, too
The labels come after

For you
All the honesty in the world
This won’t be the tar our pasts are stained with
Me,
You,
A mattress on the floor,
And all the film in the world