I can’t fall in love with you if you’re across the room from me
But I can’t change you Been so endlessly patient with you Waiting for the thunderstorm to clear, yet a new one comes in hot Shows me my fears Pours hot coffee all over me Covered
I bit my inner lip Overflowing with an unwelcoming anxiety Until both the insides of the top and bottom started to bleed & as the blood poured in Filling the tiny spaces between my teeth I could taste the iron & I felt closer to myself Than I did Looking in your bathroom mirror Wondering why the tiles on the floor have to be so nice The bathtub so luxurious, so unused A pitfall of possibilities & potential Thought I was steering towards irrationality But all it was Was hope & isn’t that familiar Isn’t that something I could dissolve deeply into
I realized, there was nothing to save If I could just have that museum day Back & I’d be on time & you’d see that I’ve been waiting what feels like my whole life To look into somebody’s eyes & feel safe
But this empty space – This is not the place These are the alleyways your parents warned you about The Instagram posts about what red flags to look for Suddenly you’re driving and cannot stop thinking About how someone doesn’t have to necessarily be a bad person to still be unfulfilling to you I swallowed that truth It’s all a girl like me can do – One who dreams in pink Prays every second she blinks Doesn’t ever let spiders go down the sink
Unless they want to Unless they beg me to Then, what am I to do?
This Is me Letting go Of you
It’s all A girl Like me Can do
I can’t fall in love with you if you won’t walk across the room towards me
We’re sitting down at a soft-lit diner You’re asking about my old man, the coal miner I think of soft petals when I see you
Your grey truck is parked out front There’s flowers in my hair and flowers in my hands The only arguments we have are about who are the best bands And I always win I always win
You listen to the things I say, like they’re important And your gorgeous pale skin is coming to focus I’m not sure when I want to press the shutter Because I just love looking at you like this Ambivalent Pink kiss Collagen lips I love looking at you like this
This is about the time that I begin to get paranoid But, no My gaze is on you The sky interrupts me into pieces I have nothing to be guilty about I think I’ve got it figured out
I’m madly in heaven; the ocean is crisp The sea makes me forget about the bitter drip Your eyes are magnified
Ambivalent Pink kiss Collagen lips I love looking at you like this
I found myself without inspiration So I didn’t write for weeks I think you know I think you know If I took your hand, where I would lead you to
I have nothing to be guilty about This time around This time around I’m running away from you on the playground I’m running away from you on the playground
Your voice is my new favourite sound I say to you Speak loud
This time around This time around I’m running away from you on the playground Your voice is my new favourite sound Your voice is my new favourite sound
The ocean is crisp I love looking at you like this
I’m a very kind and gracious girl If you let me, I will give you the world But as the brutality of this world continues to unfold My mirror’s edge is veiled, my patience can’t be sold
Give me your garden Make everything quiet I swear I’m prettiest when I’m not lying I won’t give up hoping, I won’t stop trying But it would be a piece of fiction to say I don’t dream of dying
You’re laughing at me My blonde hair blows in the breeze I will prevail, even though they’re dead-set on bringing long-lasting harm to me I see through the trees When I run, you freeze Collapsing in child’s fables isn’t only for the weak Take me with you I want to know what God knows Don’t be scared of the nighttime In the darkest hours, I’m most composed
The more you grow up, the smarter you think you are But in the same circumstances, you always lose yourself I collect hard-cover books of flowers & death spells I know all the wonderful roses by their first and last names I play with my sanity like it’s my favourite win-or-lose game You were always so harsh But me? Oh, so tame Didn’t know how to respond to all the accusations and shame I hate you, I love you It all sounded the same
I’ve decided to take my most loved photo of us down from my shelf I thought it proved we were real The space between you and myself But my mitral valve is still broken, so I can’t afford to inconvenience oneself Though our smiles were true You said it yourself Never seen a girl look at you so warm and heartfelt It hurts now But it didn’t back then Those split seconds repeat in my mind, again and again You were my prince, my most handsome immunogen You said I stunned in my floral dress Dainty and parisienne
I know this frail body wasn’t exactly built to please I’m a young girl too – I have restraint, but I have needs My singleness of purpose is far too remote I tend to break up with boys by posting poems I wrote When I was at my most fragile, I asked you for a rose Your promises were painful because I never got those
But your perseverance to love me will be your best power I stay up wondering how to please you I only sleep a few hours Me at my most tired is me at my most sour How much more beautiful do I need to be, in order to receive a white flower? I’m sort of like a princess stuck at the crown of a tower My father’s hung flyers for the peasants and princes to form a line Some of them have courage Some barely have a spine The common denominator seems to be they’re all trying But if you said it’s to impress me, I’d say that you’re lying
Several days ago, I bought roses To make myself smile I didn’t change the water Just like me, they’re dying
Winters in Chicago were when I felt my most free The wind chill was so strong, I felt it belonged to me It didn’t matter that it was a lake, I still saw it as the sea All I remember are evenings at Argo Tea Feeling happy, just to be me
You must have composure, you must be determined I’m taking care of myself, I’m doing it on purpose The December chill confronts me with things I am sure of Like how spontaneously great heights can collapse Like how the disillusioned are most likely to relapse Like how I felt, true love was almost in my grasp
But as the fog on my window, it visited and then passed It disappeared just like that I’m trying not to react
I’m screaming into my pillow (I’m trying not to react) I’m folding laundry to feel productive (I’m scared of whom I’ll attract) I lied to everybody & said I was fine (I was so scared the whole time) I’m taking every analeptic (I write your name, strike it out with a line)
I picture me in your backyard, Picking grapes off the vine I cried the whole way home, driving past the coastline I thought I didn’t deserve beauty, God doesn’t want me on cloud nine So I hit up your number, Forgot you were atropine And now I’m having trouble sleeping because you aren’t my lifeline I tell you I need you! You say, maybe next time “I’ve got a girl here, she’s helping me escape my mind”
To some people, I’m gorgeous To you, I’m saccharine But everything I am, you will always undermine I’m not your chosen one Never your valentine
I’m the one that treads water Looking for reasons to be alive
If you were safety, you wouldn’t give me your hand You’d sail towards what suits you The palm trees, the sand
I would get tired Give up and drown You wouldn’t say sorry, because you wouldn’t be around
The water obscures my hearing The green-blue current is the only sound I wanted to be loved, the void was what I found But the ocean is my new bliss, so I fade into the background I’m five again, I’ve found my new playground
I would get tired Give up and drown You wouldn’t say sorry, you wouldn’t be around I’m five again, I’ve found my new playground The sea has become my chosen burial ground The green-blue current is the only sound
The void is what I felt, but true love is what I found
Essence of a modern girl I promise if I fall in love with you, I’ll give you the whole world Stars and spaceships are what I’m made of My high ballet bun is your favourite I sit on the hoods of F-150s and smoke your last pack of menthols You miss hearing me speak? Pick up the phone, and then call I’m softer this time, I’m breaking out of these cell walls I climb the stairs to the roof, close my eyes, and then fall
I taste like strawberries You like me already I’m getting afraid of when I have to tell you the ending It’s painful on purpose It’s an accident you found me I think there’s a way we can do this real sweetly And I see your wisdom and kindness in every strong tree You have my warmest regards, you’re now protected by me Benevolence is my new form of safety Gentle reminders that I can live carefree
Real love is heavenly Real love is meant to be Real love is white roses and a cup of Earl Grey tea And I had the growing feeling that it just wasn’t meant for me I sing real softly I can’t stop coughing I want for you and me to do all these things with honesty The honeymoon period, the vividness of novelty I live a sincere life of literature and botany But I have these things, they’ve really been haunting me I hate to digress I do it unconsciously
I don’t want to lie to myself It hurts my self-esteem, it affects my health I’ve got this adorable greeting card on my bookshelf I’m saving it for a month’s anniversary with my future boy I want to celebrate every minute Scatter patience and joy Erase the mold the last two years has made on my delicate bones Unwavering I’m caving in And I don’t even expect to be loved in return
Trace your skeleton at night Kiss you twice, hold you tight If you have me by your side, you will always be alright Best girlfriend of the year I eat lunch alone, right here Maybe you could sit down with me and tell me all your biggest fears
I feel love inside me I spread it everywhere When’s the last time you looked at someone and really felt that they cared?
I’ll sit right beside you I promise I’ll be right there If you can’t see your grandeur, I’ll make you aware
For such a small person, I have so much to share I’ll sit right beside you I’ll be right there
Anxious-avoidant attachment A comatose, ever-encompassing detachment This girl is officially a has-been A messy state of internal affairs When nobody in the world but you compares When I wanted what was mine, but you said you were theirs All the times you didn’t show up, I knew you were there Saturday evening, I’ve never been so scared
I’m moving like waves in the sea And all the world is crashing directly into me Strangers tell me they love my poetry It’s not as rosy as I sometimes make it out to be
The airfare is wavering thin You’re crawling all over my skin I try dancing, but my headache won’t let me spin I try drinking, I keep ordering lime & gin One love goes to sleep, another begins No, not for me He was my only prince I don’t want anyone to see me like this I don’t want your love if I have to convince You want to get married, you better put it in print But I found her belongings, trust me, I got the hint I’ve been searching for you in everyone else ever since
Out of all the people to know, you can depend on me the most I accept all the virus, I’m even pleased to be its host I am the amphetamine Queen, born and raised on the West Coast I spell out “I love you” on your cinnamon toast You look up at me You’re too blind to see The emptiness that has overtaken every part of me A bottom-feeder A failed transplant Organ harvesting on Michigan Avenue & Grant It hurts like hell I will prevail My visage is pale My words are sharp, but they soon go stale They mean so little I’m not really interested in anyone noncommittal My hands always shake, my frame is so brittle I looked so pretty in the blue gown at the hospital
I’m scared history will repeat itself I have your shot glass on my grey bookshelf The glass breaks over and over again The hollowness of it is really my only friend If this is the end, I want a boyfriend To bury me with the roses just so I can pretend
That I’m happy here No longer ruled by fear And eventually I’ll disintegrate, fade to black, and disappear Don’t come visit me Don’t bother telling me
That your love was feigned for my sobriety
I’ll tell the truth, I lied I drank every night I kept mint juleps & lemon drops right by my bedside Pink bubblegum My favourite sparkling gun You can’t be alone if you’re bathed by the sun Some people watch films, I make them in my head Every morning is a fresh start, so I always make the bed All the texts you sent me, I left unread When you said you couldn’t do it, I know what you meant You won’t be invited to the day I wed You’ll likely be drinking again, trapped in your mind instead You got what you wanted, you don’t have to confess Recovery is a palace but for you, it’s a stretch
I used to wake up vacant Now I’m filled with love I’m devoted and gentle like a little, white dove I want to drain somebody with the dust dreams are made of I want the kind of warmth you said I was unworthy of I know now that you were wrong I wrote you the sweetest song
And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep And I sing it to my dog so that she can fall asleep
I give it to her because her love, I can keep I give it to her because her love, I can keep
In my darkest times, there was no you and me I’d rather be alone if that’s the way things will be
