I need moral support You’re all so boring I’m smoking a cigarette in the apartment Light pink slippers The room turns to melting frost
I need to make a choice You’re all so lonely I’m smoking a cigarette in the backyard Bamboo curtains Disheveled in appearance but on trial on time
Serving our community Driving with my eyes closed An avalanche and beat-down neighborhood where funeral homes are sold I love him but he won’t bear arms So how can he protect me If you can send me a silver lining Tell my father I’m tired of waking up and fighting Won’t you inspire me FedEx me your venom through an umbilical cord
Dandelion and Baby’s Breath They crowd around me Tear out my hair Laugh at the angles of my bones The fog terrifies me Though I’m so aware I’ll crumble if I’m not composed
Even if I’m brittle I’ll stay up for a little
I met a girl named Isabel Passed me an ashtray in her jet black corvette Ambiguous Butterflies For how long For how much longer Dad, how much longer do I have How much longer do I have to keep doing this
Just to get home Just to get home Closing my left eye to see straight She had gold silverware in her jet black corvette Told me her boy was frustrating her because he always forgets
Took the wrong exit off the freeway Ended up in a ditch Peace was there Waiting for me Nobody stopped to ask what I was doing If you want miracles, I’m living proof of it
Plain charcoal grey t shirt I want to write the kind of poetry that scares boys away The right one will see me for my diamonds and my smoke screens A bridge gently collapsing Laying down next to a fountain
I don’t go to parties Because the people tend to bore me They stand in circles and ask each other “what’s up?”
Minnesota in the hot, hot sun I’ll write a memoir, like I’m a film star Like my words are fiber nectar & galvanized tar I wish I could join the assembly line Not to find out, not to decay, but to come out bright white & crystal, grey clay To become transparent in the grand scheme of things Be able to extrapolate meaning from my own devices Tell you how I find human beings so lifeless Wrapped up in their due process of mind Fingertips on roses, your hands on the arched back that is mine Fever dreams Amphetamines
I know the road is farther than it seems I’ve seen the bitter resemblance of what’s paved underneath My eyes blur, I can’t see, I can’t see a thing Wouldn’t you like to have a dance with refined me? I’m mesmerized by nothing at all Nobody pays attention to what I want them to pay attention to I’m violent, I got this, I’m gutless, I’m thinner than the fabric Screaming my insides out, I’ll eat you alive Won’t find me on your bedside You said, you said You said, you said Your goodbyes so hazily Tell me, how do you wish to be portrayed? When they paint you wrong, are you dismayed? What are you proud to take to the grave? I’m taking the dreams I made
I have this one song, I get a lot of meaning from it The way it blankets me in security and A freedom I’ve never found in a single human being They’re tar-stained, they’re charcoal remnants They’ll gaslight you and then say that you’re gaslighting them in return The apprehension is near, I told you the car was far away I didn’t see it coming my way Somehow I didn’t mind I had this dream, I saw the glass-slipper ball gown The one I wore when You said, I swore, you said You said, I swore it, I swore you said Wouldn’t be there Star-crossed lovers Awake with hesitation Marvel at my presentation Scattered in assembly, grief like parasites Do you know anyone who sees you in the right & softest light?
I’m thinner than fabric, I’m tougher than fossil fuels If it’s confusing, it’s only confusing to you Me – I know what’s going on Write you a grocery list of things to bring A sustainable sparkle, a delicate sapphire An element of surprise to add to the details and decor Horrors of society seem to fade when we turn the television on
Melt me like aspartame in Coca Cola Ignite a funeral home Tell me what you find transparent Covered in frost, I’m not vaguely processed I’m rarely understood and I think I know why I think this life is mine to apprehend and find I lose my keys over and over again on purpose Locked out so I can write But I thought you said, I thought you said But I thought you said, I thought you said
I have this one song that makes me feel more like myself than anything else I play it on repeat because I’m sick of hearing about my diminishing health Drown out the noise, fiber-glass, can’t see, my vision blurs The ocean is my lord & savior I’m not even surprised by their behavior The evidence is real because it’s written on parchment paper
It always ends It always ends like this I’m in the shower, white roses and pink carnations, I feel true bliss You’d be obsolete In a thousand years We’re connected by the fabric The sheer and hazy stillness Do it on the daily Hate you a little, just maybe Match my evening glow
If you hate me, that’s not a well thought-out decision You have your fears and I have this one song That makes me feel more like myself than I’ve ever felt before And I play it I play it all day long When the noise drowns me out, I sing along You wouldn’t say, you wouldn’t say Anything to conclude the grime and the dirt you brought to my doorstep A cave’s internal diameter A concave, arching sky The exact shade of your brown eyes My skin is softest on the tops of my thighs
I don’t hate anyone I don’t hate anything I don’t hate anyone There’s just nothing left to sink Drowning in the deep end because in the water I’m completely occupying my body I don’t hate anyone I don’t hate anything I’ll let the water have me, on purpose, on purpose
Does drowning make you nervous? Does real love make you hesitate?
Does drowning make you nervous? Does real love make you hesitate? Does drowning make you hesitate?
I can tell I can tell in my own poetry When I’m slipping into cracks In the asphalt The rendition of your worst dreams – concave nightmares Existing perfectly intertwined in cooler but violet & violent, amber tones Softly, gazing Haphazardly Barely awake and hardly credible Flashes of cyanide to intoxicate the evening and ruin the damage that’s in disarray So perfect, it all always seems to be
Somehow I’m always awake when you are Or you’re always awake when I am Or we catch each other at the right times
Like doves passing muted harmonies back and forth Into the night
I’m growing strawberries in my garden I buy canned Vanilla Coke at the corner store When I came home Wednesday night, there were the most beautiful white roses I’ve ever seen laying softly on the kitchen counter Courtesy of my mother Who knows I’m dismayed by how boys don’t buy me flowers Somehow it was a thousand times sweeter coming from her Dewdrops on daisies Fresh Baby’s Breath in fine, pristine garments The things that used to scare me, I no longer find alarming The way thunderstorms sound like amphetamines dropping can no longer harm me I promised myself that I would keep my own promises
For a while I wanted someone to love me like I do, you But that, would be insubstantial Since I never got through to you in the ways I can only hope one day someone will, to me Like looking in a mirror When you’re trying to see inside Of a building you pass by on your lunch break That makes you feel mesmerized But it’s oh, so fleeting With a heavy mind and drowsy eyes I lay amongst the wildflowers gasping for glimmers of hope A reality I am capable Of painting myself
A couple of days ago I lost the keys to my apartment Tried to go around the back, and my cat wouldn’t let me in! The nerve! Like she was raised by wolves! So I came back to the front of my residence, and when the mailman came with my packages I collected them Stared at my name in sans serif font on the mailing label Beneath the sunlight as it showered me with Affection Like the song I sent you That you didn’t like Because you didn’t favour the singer’s voice But that was not The point It was The words That I wanted you to hear, at least read for heaven’s sake
But nobody reads what you want them to And after hours of sitting against my black, metal apartment door Wishing I had chalk, like a child, to draw horribly disfigured life stills on the warm cement I found the key in my pocket (I’m not very good at hiding things from myself) But I am good at finding pockets of time to be alone with the sunshine Carefully planned Flawlessly executed Only something a Virgo could do
Do you remember? When my birthday is? Or how badly I wanted those flowers?
Nobody remembers what you want them to It’s frightening, really How someone’s perception is so far removed from your control But isn’t that Delightful That my mother knows exactly how to make me smile My cat knows I need time to take to rinse my thoughts with sun rays and pieces of gravel
I deleted your text message Like you had never come back Almost automatically I was surprised with even myself But you will never know how much I loved you
Free-verse poem: Simon & Garfunkel, truly terrifying (New York)
My baby didn’t even have time to pack his suitcase Left his things sprawled all over the floor He told me he wanted to go to the city Find the things he didn’t know he was looking for He wanted more, he wanted more He wanted more Jars of honey, sweet fiber network He wanted more And I knew, across moments in space and time That I had done my good deeds And I could get my coat off the rack He’s looking for more In black tar and spiderwebs He’ll find a new job in New York A city that has too many important people in it for anyone to ask about
Gentle as the sea Unbecoming as you dissolved directly into me
I cast the glow that tried to diminish my solitude Playing Simon & Garfunkel deep into the night To surround me in playful melody, and memories of nights in hotels Where I didn’t know anybody & nobody knew of me & the thick, ivory, vintage & carefully sewn cloth that lay on the table where I had a drink (a mix of elderberry for immunity, and something with zinc) I squeezed a lemon into my eye (Just to try) (Just to try it once) I became like the night
Smooth in rapture Rough like the ocean waves Not asking anyone to hold me, because I wasn’t in the best company Never understood why people use other people when they feel lonely I find no solace in that regard That kind of domination, to utilize temptation What good would it do for me- my little, fawn frame? My agony and stillness, harshly disillusioned A maiden’s last words A goodbye in a picture frame Held up by safety pins for decoration of the living room, my sweet residence Very far from New York
They read my poems and think they’re separate, short ones instead of long form stories But at least they’re reading It’s good for the brain It’s almost a necessity to understand someone else’s pain In my bedroom, I have roses on the left side of the bed Audrey Hepburn on the wall Reading a book, casually, a photograph taken & never explained Who will ever take photographs of me? Will anybody capture me in my own reserved solitude? Press a camera shutter when my face looks nice from the angle the lens hits me from, In the right light? With a nice mannerism? How cruel it is to live years without memories Nothing to think about with morning coffee Nobody to dream of when I’m feeling despondent
It’s not that I try not to, but I can’t stop writing It’s like the medication hasn’t yet absorbed You tell people you’re a writer and they nod their head In agreement, almost I think it’s an act of disregard Find me a publisher! Buy my book, whenever it comes out! Support my dreams! No, no Nods his head It’s an act of disregard A repetition in disguised portrayal of an affirmation Fleeting hopelessness mixing in jars of honey that fade to silk and an ambience destroyed by lightning in the dark Making way for the gloomy inhabitants of New York’s city streets As he neglects to pack his bags
He retracts Shoulders back Panic attack Upright and tall, a self-preserved, startling enchantment Eyes so sharp and clear but in my nonchalant mind I’ll still remember them as filled with fog Some people- you can ask them a million different questions, yet fail to receive a hospitable response A succession of worries “What if the plane catches on fire, what will you do then?” “Will you call me when you land? Should I stay awake?” Fog, nothing but fog Dove tails & tales of romance, swept like ashes falling from a neighbor’s cigar An afternoon sky of abysmal disobedience
When we were young We were gentle like the sea And I was becoming something great, something to be remembered But his benzodiazepines have no regard for memory preservation So with every step he takes, every fragment of clothing he doesn’t arrange He dissolves directly into me
I hear ‘The Only Living Boy in New York’ repeating softly in my mind Holding on to the melody in a way that Truly terrifies me As I dissolve Repeatedly
