Drawing soft pink porcelain dolls Make every word of yours important If you’re speaking with purpose The chaos in this dark room It makes me nervous But when I’m touching you Like peach pink amphetamines You push something onto me that makes me breathe
For a second there For just a minute I lost my breath
For just a second there For quite a minute I’ve become oblivious
I get excited for a hot second Come out with guns blazing So self-aware, peach pit You like the way I serenade you Dance around you in top-secret chambers Untold, leaving it untold Don’t get anything for free Write whatever I want It’s my heart, I forgot It’s my heart, I forgot You make me soft
Put some Salsa on and I’ll show you my moves What I keep in my medicine cabinet I’m made of Cabernet red I’ll drink you in three sips Balsamic vinaigrette Anything that rhymes with your safety net I’m lying by the pool God I feel so cool Looking at you Cabernet red
I’m kicking and screaming I don’t want you to spend the night Yeah, I’ll be alright I’m kicking and screaming Introverted I don’t want you to stay the night I’m kicking and screaming Introverted Red t shirt
You don’t make me nervous I have these soft lips Amphetamines for fingertips Intoxicating, isn’t it
a free verse poem about finding stability & self-acceptance
I know That things won’t work out as planned I know that Because my mother taught me how to be a man But there are Parts of me that won’t let someone hold my hand Because I Because I Find graveyards appealing Harsh winter thunderstorms healing And the chaos within you is quite often revealing Of the doom and dismay your surroundings convey The filth The agony The dreams others built for you become destroyed I’m my own person
But when I drive home at night I don’t feel alone I just know I am
It was cold in Chicago And I wanted to lay down In the snow My frail body Seldom appears melancholy Singing you songs, breathlessly, to you in your sleep Though my voice is never the right pitch Maybe that’s why I wait Until you hit your steady dream state An abyss of perpetual ignorance to moral obligations
The impatience Is testing me Like a ticking clock Telling me I Haven’t painted The sky quite right Haven’t gotten the stars To my audience’s delight And I think I might combust From the tainted, porcelain figure I often wish to set on fire Because what burns Feels so warm In winter
It’s almost February The anniversary of A thousand slumbers A rainfall that struck me like Lightning on the fast lane on the highway Swerving between cars with my eyes closed Thinking I’m oh – I’m just so composed But me, parchment paper thick, practically comatose Wouldn’t keep anyone up at night When you haven’t Made a name For yourself And nobody Gets the intonation In your full name quite right Maybe it’s not The right time To say
That what burns feels so warm In winter My god The shades of blue How I’d devour the skyline Like an arsonist, I fade to grey Along with the trembling cityscape
I encapsulate all the seasons & am easily forgotten
I only hope to properly portray The vacancy light in this hotel I occupy
Me, Against the wall Cold, doll-like, confused Fingertips Painted the lightest shade of pink that the nail salon could offer me If only, I could be elegant I could like parts of myself that others don’t I could live my life like My father envisioned
When he said to me
That I was born In the perfect season For a girl who prolongs Finding a reason To burn this place down to the ground
Hollow Cave Where my old journals remain Where ex-boyfriends mispronounce my last name They never remember the best parts of you They never really knew How to get through How your eyes turn dark green when your favourite song comes on Or when the colour temperature is five thousand Kelvin and I feel ashamed That I woke up to find Myself Not in embers But filling a body With wholeness that only
Real self-acceptance could develop and create
Something permanent Is never Found
I’m no good with directions but I don’t believe I’m lost I’m exactly On my own two feet Waiting To leave a message after the beep
But I hang up, because I remember They can’t pronounce my last name The intonation Is weak And I Am so Much farther than I thought I would be At this time of my life Are you, at all, surprised?
When I look At the cars Passing me by On the highway, I wonder If they’re going Somewhere warm and inviting
I don’t know why That To me Feels so terribly frightening
A free verse poem interpolating love and boredom, those mutually excluded. I write about my surroundings and how I respond to them; I write about you and how I’m feeling enamoured, but I won’t make this a love poem. www.paypal.me/LilacDoveCA
I’ll slip like a satin glove One abstraction over another, turn the pages, can’t stop reading textbooks on topics I haven’t reached yet in my academia London print and soft pastels to remind me softness still exists In little teacups filled with daredevil laughter
How do I Distract from the blue light filter I’ve got this covenant, this modern-day orchestration A plate of cinnamon toast for two With soy whipped cream and untouched, fresh blueberries A breakfast in the comfort of our living room With the television on, Vintage advertisements Try it for yourself, buy it, now! We put our heads in our hands, switching places Serenade me, serenade me Run away with me
Impressed by my collection of 14.2 carat diamonds I knew it wasn’t right, but I find it hard to stop myself from trying When you hear me tell my truth, you think I’m lying A country house’s ceiling covered in coral-buff-pink that doesn’t compete with the furniture and artwork in the room I don’t believe I’ve lived this life before I say silent goodbyes to the waves when I swim towards the shore Never settling in life because there’s always something more
But I’m patient, I can wait I know how to play this waiting game But I’m patient, I don’t hesitate to hesitate I know how to play this waiting game
You spend your life attached to the poison You see the same things in every new person But I – I find waves to weave my carefully knit spiderweb The remnants of my being (but I swore I could be tranquil) I engulfed you like a macrophage I brought you to the Heavens They asked me for all my pennies and I said all I could offer were dimes In an aster black & dune-white coin purse With wild daisies in watercolour Where I keep a ticket stub from our day at the ballet Our day in the sweet vermouth from the South Your shots of whiskey – endless, hopeless- almost!
But I found you out by the car, near the diner with the half-lit sun-kissed sign That illuminates the grey tones of the weakened sky I’ve yet to find a relation that feels like spiral twine In due time My dear one It always takes time
Crumpets in bed, you’re so sweet; why are you doing these things for me The back of your Carrera that you lean on when I find you Down, downtrodden In a medieval, Victorian garden I found roses that smelled like the ones you once bought for me I wrote secrets down on receipts for other people to find And they’ll have no idea what I’m talking about What I’m writing about They always have no idea what I’m composing about What I’m going on about Often too timid to say what I’m handling out loud (In the wild Texan landscape, I screamed without making a sound)
But you, cast like the sun’s sharp, contrasted rays upon the deep blue, dark steel water body that is Where I swim against the current because it’s the closest I manage to get to what others feel from amphetamines A satin blanket with a cushion for our picnic by the bayside
You, there, me – laughing when I look at you Think I know why you do the things you do But nobody is ever sure of anything, how can they be? I’m the Chicago princess, the flat-rate bourgeoisie Things that make most sense to you don’t mollify me In the orbit of the moon I am your apogee
How is your gaze so familiar when it’s just out of sight? Inoperative like a 1990s old engine Civic brake light But I’ll be the warm air watching your gunfight With the resilience and nepotism of stunning graphite Like the perfect backdrop Like an ivory white snowstorm while indoors I’m what the mosquitos won’t ever bite
I think it’s sweet, how people give you their time In a palace where everybody always feels they’re running out of such a concept, The ballgame isn’t enough (Oh, you think you’re so tough?) Pour me iced green tea Show me you can be there for me Tell me I’ve been disillusioned Replace the terror in me
Satin-pink signature bowtie on the back of my tulle dress, and flower petals arranged to counter my dismay I am a lovable girl Who loves in the most appropriate way
The kind of girl that sends you straight to fame Ambition my only pursuit, I write you love letters on the train
I am bored with how it hasn’t yet rained In days In days In days In days In days In days In days In days
Anything you say Anything you say I promise you can have it all I promise you can have it all I’m tiny, I’m so small I’m amber coated in blue I’m feeling heavy because the tar is so thick I feel like I’m running out of whatever makes me tick I’m coughing up my lungs because you make me so sick I don’t want to be in love, I don’t want to feel like this I want you in my arms, you’re all I think of I saved all the skies for you to make you feel loved How many more winters do I have to be ashamed of
You’re stuck in my brain and the clips rewind The pieces and fragments of my crispy and broken, fragile spine It’s all coming together, you were lying the whole time But was giving all of myself to you a complete waste of time?
You’re stuck in my head, you’re daylight and amethyst I don’t want to be in love, I don’t want to feel like this What I imagined was you and me immersed in honeycomb bliss I swear to God I thought you were the reason I exist
When you would drive so fast You scared the life out of me, but I wanted it to last I never felt safe, and I kind of loved that In a way it comforted me, but that was in the past
When everything I would write would sound like a love song When I knew you’d never call, but I’d stay up all night long I wasn’t even waiting 4 a.m. and I’m pacing Trying to be patient You were who I placed faith in Nothing was changing
I come real close to giving up You’re all I think of I bathe and soak in love You’re all I think of
I bathe in and bleed out love You’re all I think of
I threw a cigarette down on the ground while it was still lit and burned my foot I thought about when we sat on the bench, and you held me tight by my livelihood The frame of reference from me to you was always that you were misunderstood But I never thought about it like that I never thought about it like that And I can’t tell whether I want you to come back I can’t tell whether I want you to come back The way I’d submit to you, I always felt so attacked Wished you would pay attention to my words, wanted you to be keeping track My nerves would pile up- going haywire, getting hijacked I can say “I love you” then keep myself from getting sidetracked I can’t seem to fall asleep without reminiscent, beautiful flashbacks
Soft times Soft times
I think I make them up in my mind I know for sure you’re leaving me behind Think it’s good for me at the same time I press play; you hit rewind
The vision’s always there You – unaware Me – trying not to stare The sunshine’s oblivious glare
The vision’s always there You, always unaware Me – feeling so damn scared Won’t speak up, wouldn’t dare
I can’t seem to fall asleep You’re in my veins, you’re troubling me You wouldn’t come sit with me by the crashing sea Failure to disappear is choking me for eternity I thought things would improve if I looked more pretty I tried to speak quieter, say my sentiments softly I still haven’t realized it has little to do with me
I wish I could erase Your contemplative face Your light tan shade of summer’s warmth I’m taking all the pills Never feeling thrills Because the void is haunting me, haunting me still
I can’t change until My body gets so ill That I throw up any shadow that reminds me of you I’m a small girl I’m losing hope If you were me, what would you do?
If you were me, what would you do?
You, always unaware Me – feeling so damn scared There’s nothing There’s nothing But empty space
