Tag: autobiographical

Poem: A hundred drops per second

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When I met you, you hated yourself
Like you were afraid of yourself
As the storms went on,
You found it to be best to be by yourself
And there,
I was,
Watching a man crumble in front of my very timid but sparkling eyes
It was no surprise
You liked salt wounds and touching my inner thighs
But I –
I bask when I wake with the sunrise
And you –
You look down on me for loving everything until it dies
You hate the earth
And you wonder why
It doesn’t pity you back

I moved out, clean new apartment
Living with a friend
I’m working on my craft
No longer at my wit’s end
Looking forward to all the money I’ll spend
Me?
And you?
Will we ever make amends?

I care no longer
I wouldn’t bother
Oh, your poor father
He knows what’s in the water

I care no longer
I wouldn’t bother
Oh, your poor father
He knows what’s in the water

If I were to swim
To you
To build a new continent
I’d turn around
Find a river raft
You think I’m strange and daft
Never read any of my first drafts
Fell out of love just like that

Now you –
Hopefully you’ll remember the words I’ve said
But it no longer matters to me
Whether you’re alive or dead
Instead

Don’t lose your head
It’s not worth it
We were perfect
But we weren’t
And I’m gasping
For thin air like –

A hundred drops per second

©️ Elle Silvestrov

Poem: James Davies

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When I threw away the dying white roses you bought for me
I almost cried myself to death
When I touched the petals
(They were so soft)
Like me
Untouched
Delicate
You robbed me of my own sanity
And it got so fucked I broke away from reality

You robbed me of my own sanity

Take your medication, baby, please don’t stop
Taking your medication
I care so much for you that my heart keeps breaking
Because you’re not next to me in bed and I can’t fall asleep because I’m shaking
I’m so afraid of you
But I’m more afraid of what I’m going to do without you
Do you have any idea how much I love you?

Sweet river beds
I leaned against your car smoking like I’m from Tennessee
And you weren’t even man enough to comfort me
You like to call it “enabling”
But a girl crying over you will only stop crying when you touch her
Hold her like it’s your last day alive
And you know the last memories are the memories we keep
But all I can think of is you screaming at me
You were screaming at me
But you said you were in love with me

You robbed me of my own sanity
But it was only because I was too insane to see
You weren’t good for me
You weren’t good for me
James Davies
You were never my safety

I’m so helpless, it’s scary

Though I know Monday morning I’ll wake up
Sipping my L-theanine-filled green tea in my Moscow teacup
I won’t text you
Won’t say wassup
Because you and I are no longer
Babe, I hope you take a seat and ponder

How weak you made me

Tears cover my cheekbones
I can barely read these pages
Felt I’d love you for ages
But you tested my patience

How weak you made me
This is what became of me

How weak you made me

Poem: Surface tension (poolside dreams)

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I saw the skinniest girls at the pool today
They were all bone, with graceful flat stomachs
I started to hate myself again
And I considered if
Maybe I was going too far
Maybe they have scars to hide too
But I traced their gentle bodies with my disturbing eyes
And I couldn’t find a somber disguise
Or any evidence that they hate themselves too

Maybe I didn’t look deep enough
What’s on the surface conceals what’s underneath

I toss and turn wildly in my bedsheets
And maybe the spaces of my ribs and the lights in-between
No longer shine, no longer gleam
I look dirty even when I’m entirely clean
I try to smile, but I can’t hold back that I’m so, so mean

They splashed each other while in the water
I knew if I smiled I’d only bother
But maybe they were growing sick of each other
At that point, I’d be a newfound lover
But when it rains it decays what’s left of me
I only feel blissful when I’m swimming in the sea (I feel like it’s a part of me)
I am opalescent in matters of blue
Your favourite shades of Hunter green
Writing poetry with a ruptured spleen
I miss being a fragile and innocent young teen
Didn’t stop you from touching me

Didn’t stop you from touching me
You claimed that you were teaching me
But my skin turned dark like you were leaching me
I’d have the strongest, most bizarre of nightmares
Wake up sweating, alone, and scared
A modest, timid girl
Too small to be bared
You dragged my body up the crystallized stairs

What’s on the surface conceals what’s underneath
When the gun started firing, the bed I hid beneath
Is it always as rosy as the daydream makes it seem?
My God, being dead sounds so fucking serene

My God, being dead sounds so fucking serene

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Nothing beautiful ever lasts

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Nothing beautiful ever lasts

(venom like frostbite on a Sunday morning)


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My gal pal and I were feeling the hot July mist as we dipped our carefully painted toes in the pool
Swaying our arms to make waves like hurricanes
Flowers blossomed
My best friend
She jokingly said that I’m holding out on love
Not letting anybody too close
Painful reminders of past ghosts
Motorcycles, some of those
I said I’m living like I’m practically comatose
I wake up, open the shades, want to close them back again and fall into a slumber so deep my manager starts calling since I didn’t show up for work
It’s just too much work
And I’m impatient
Stagnant in some ways
Although I am crisp, I say that in a daze
The sky turns ablaze
Hot fire surrounds us

She’s crying and her mascara drips down her rose cheeks
I don’t know what I did
But it’s always me doing something
I remind people of their painful pasts
I refresh their memory that nothing beautiful ever lasts
I put one in mind of the fact that every little time you think something’s good, something’s right
It never is
Your worries become his
And that’s hard to dismiss

I’m not evil
I think I’m not
But the last guy said he hopes my body will rot
I thought it was kind of funny, which sent him in shock
I told him again and again that I’m not quite his flavor
The poor boy, I was doing him a favor!
The January wind came to whisk me away
He locked the door, practically begged me to stay
But it wasn’t hard to walk away (search for new prey)
I’m like a ship that’s too in love with the waves
Goes the wrong way for days
Doesn’t realize there’s a dock waiting, that you don’t have to escape
My vision turns gold and then grey
Nothing beautiful stays
So I celebrate the decay
Am I better off that way?

Morning dew is my favourite
When roses blossom, I’m in heaven
I remember being young, timid, and seven
Pushing my fingers directly into thorns
Gave me a rush that went straight to my bones
I was so little! A young mind so awake
Until I started bleeding and I’d start to shake
Some people are poison, like the tinctures I make
I’m fake I’m fake I’m fake

For God’s sake (my sake and yours) 
Pass me a cider
White roses when you greet me
Try to make me smile
Soon we’ll be dead and no longer will you see me

So I celebrate the decay
Am I better off that way?



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    Poem: White mustang, no cigarettes

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    Poem: White mustang, no cigarettes

    Out of all my vices
    Got no more cigarettes
    Marriage is a stretch, it’s far-fetched
    A violent vehemence
    That I got caught in because he said I was one of his regrets
    One of his regrets
    I’d protest to that
    Absence of evidence

    I’m a humble girl, I’m real cool
    Catch me doing laps in the swimming pool
    I objectify God; in all his heavens I rule
    I’m not what you’re used to
    But as strange as this fancy, rugged life turns out to be
    I have a strange sense I won’t make it past thirty
    What’s not to be is not meant to be
    Coca Cola and vanilla ice cream in the evenings
    Different rituals for different seasons
    A stray cat, got loose, we’ll make it even
    I lay back, underneath the sun, I’m gleaming
    Strangers make strange choices for strange reasons

    ♥ Strangers make strange choices for strange reasons ♥

    ♥ I’m bored to death and my glamour is fading ♥

    I’m bored to death and my glamour is fading
    With every cheap trick you try
    I glance out the window, months just fly by
    My ego’s even on the same page, telling me to get rid of you
    It’s like taking out the trash
    One long-winded heroin crash
    I pour myself a warm bath
    Collapse
    Small movements
    Trembling
    Hands around my knees, hold them close to me
    Like when I held your hand, and my heart felt safe
    You were looking real nice for what was a blind date
    Cigarettes into ash, swear I thought it was fate
    The way your fingers interlaced my wire front gate
    Never over five minutes late

    I’m made of caramel syrup & mocha drizzle
    You taste it, you want more, I only give you a little
    I’m fairly humble in my opinion
    You’ll be home any minute
    And I can’t wait until you get home and see my stuff is all packed
    I’m going back to the city where we stayed on track
    Listening to White Mustang on replay, back to back
    Lana’s the only one to bring me joy
    I know you’re starting to sweat, you’re feeling paranoid
    It previously hadn’t occured to you that I’m someone you enjoy
    The glisten on the shine of my watermelon nail polish
    The sparkles of pink and white of my carefully creased eye shadow
    I’m not meant for this household
    Realistically it should only occupy one man
    Quite frankly I don’t care if you do or you do not understand
    We’re crumbling like an avalanche
    I’m coughing up sand

    I stayed in your company because God, I love snow
    I love champagne and wearing conservative dresses to the company engagements you’d invite me too
    ’till one day I caught your gaze, you looked oh so blue
    Like the fakeness of it all finally got through to you
    You realized you weren’t capable of loving a doll like me
    Little bumble bee
    Awfully cruel, brutal honesty

    Out of all my vices
    Got no cigarettes
    I remember when you said I would become your favourite regret
    You used to say I was heaven-sent
    You remember that agreement we made behind a peach sunset?
    First one to leave gets custody

    I’m packed
    I’m through
    I give you a note
    “First one to leave gets custody”


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