Tag: anxiety disorder

Poem: A hundred drops per second

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When I met you, you hated yourself
Like you were afraid of yourself
As the storms went on,
You found it to be best to be by yourself
And there,
I was,
Watching a man crumble in front of my very timid but sparkling eyes
It was no surprise
You liked salt wounds and touching my inner thighs
But I –
I bask when I wake with the sunrise
And you –
You look down on me for loving everything until it dies
You hate the earth
And you wonder why
It doesn’t pity you back

I moved out, clean new apartment
Living with a friend
I’m working on my craft
No longer at my wit’s end
Looking forward to all the money I’ll spend
Me?
And you?
Will we ever make amends?

I care no longer
I wouldn’t bother
Oh, your poor father
He knows what’s in the water

I care no longer
I wouldn’t bother
Oh, your poor father
He knows what’s in the water

If I were to swim
To you
To build a new continent
I’d turn around
Find a river raft
You think I’m strange and daft
Never read any of my first drafts
Fell out of love just like that

Now you –
Hopefully you’ll remember the words I’ve said
But it no longer matters to me
Whether you’re alive or dead
Instead

Don’t lose your head
It’s not worth it
We were perfect
But we weren’t
And I’m gasping
For thin air like –

A hundred drops per second

©️ Elle Silvestrov

Nothing beautiful ever lasts

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Nothing beautiful ever lasts

(venom like frostbite on a Sunday morning)


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My gal pal and I were feeling the hot July mist as we dipped our carefully painted toes in the pool
Swaying our arms to make waves like hurricanes
Flowers blossomed
My best friend
She jokingly said that I’m holding out on love
Not letting anybody too close
Painful reminders of past ghosts
Motorcycles, some of those
I said I’m living like I’m practically comatose
I wake up, open the shades, want to close them back again and fall into a slumber so deep my manager starts calling since I didn’t show up for work
It’s just too much work
And I’m impatient
Stagnant in some ways
Although I am crisp, I say that in a daze
The sky turns ablaze
Hot fire surrounds us

She’s crying and her mascara drips down her rose cheeks
I don’t know what I did
But it’s always me doing something
I remind people of their painful pasts
I refresh their memory that nothing beautiful ever lasts
I put one in mind of the fact that every little time you think something’s good, something’s right
It never is
Your worries become his
And that’s hard to dismiss

I’m not evil
I think I’m not
But the last guy said he hopes my body will rot
I thought it was kind of funny, which sent him in shock
I told him again and again that I’m not quite his flavor
The poor boy, I was doing him a favor!
The January wind came to whisk me away
He locked the door, practically begged me to stay
But it wasn’t hard to walk away (search for new prey)
I’m like a ship that’s too in love with the waves
Goes the wrong way for days
Doesn’t realize there’s a dock waiting, that you don’t have to escape
My vision turns gold and then grey
Nothing beautiful stays
So I celebrate the decay
Am I better off that way?

Morning dew is my favourite
When roses blossom, I’m in heaven
I remember being young, timid, and seven
Pushing my fingers directly into thorns
Gave me a rush that went straight to my bones
I was so little! A young mind so awake
Until I started bleeding and I’d start to shake
Some people are poison, like the tinctures I make
I’m fake I’m fake I’m fake

For God’s sake (my sake and yours) 
Pass me a cider
White roses when you greet me
Try to make me smile
Soon we’ll be dead and no longer will you see me

So I celebrate the decay
Am I better off that way?



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    distantcaveLeave a comment

    Poem: Love you in fragments

    Love you in fragments – love you in fragments – love you in fragments – love you 




    Author

    The author of the poetry on Lilac Dove is a young girl living on the outskirts of Los Angeles, twirling her hair with her finger and eating sour candy, as she writes about the strangeness of her life.

    Softness and silk

    I love you in fragments
    Like pieces of a puzzle

    That no matter how hard I try to make out the shapes just right

    I’m always wrong

    I find myself thinking about things like
    Do you paint pictures of me in your mind before going to sleep
    Before resting your beautiful tan head on the mattress because you don’t like pillows
    You joke they’re too soft
    But I’m soft
    Fragile in places I’ll never admit out loud
    Paradise found
    You call, and I’m the happiest girl in the United States of America

    To dream is to escape reality

    But you just ask me questions
    Like I’m an encyclopedia of the world
    And while I’m charmed that you value my intellect so
    It still feels shallow
    A jellyfish catching me after I lose out on a killer wave
    When I’m with you, I always tend to misbehave
    Reconsider my decisions later
    Wonder if I could have done better
    But you encapsulate me every time
    Put me in a bubble with no oxygen, so with every one of my screams I’m losing out on life
    Is that what this is like?

    There were times when I felt divine

    Reconsider my decisions later
    Wonder if I could have done better
    Thankful that I still have your sweater
    Accept the parts of you no-one else sees
    Parts of you that are rust- to me, are shiny
    Pick up the phone every time you call

    Which as of late, has been no time at all

    Leave me a voicemail
    Tell me you love me
    Leave me a voicemail
    Don’t let go when you hug me
    Reconsider my decisions later
    Wonder if I could have done better

    Go to bed every night in your sweater


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    Poem: 3 missed calls

    distantcaveLeave a comment

    I want to fall in love

    flowers, bouquet, floral

    Would you rather keep all the memories you have up until now?
    Or start all over again
    I ask you while we’re walking alongside the fog, the mountains
    The sea on the other side
    Would you want to live this life over?
    I pick at a four-leaf clover
    Come over for dinner, and let’s go out for dessert
    I want to fall in love
    But I don’t want it to hurt
    I dig through the dirt

    The sea on the other side

    But I don’t want it to hurt

    I feel lost and alone
    Statements I never thought I’d share
    I’ve shed enough of my personality to the point where I’m rebuilding it
    Look at me in this black dress, how’s the fit of it?
    I have panic attacks, I can’t manage it
    But I do
    I do

    Sunday evening, watching the news
    Holding the baby
    You come in, new vinyl in, midtown Blues
    Just thinking, I think I found a clue
    About what you’re about to do
    You feed off opportunity, I’ll catch up to you

    pink, rose, flower
    Collapsing all of the time

    Going 120 miles per hour, I need the sky to go from blue to grey
    I can’t stand up straight when things don’t go my way
    I fall into the warm bath
    Slip under, wet my long hair
    Blue and blues and blue again
    Turn me into someone I’m not
    Tell me it’s my phone number you’ve forgot
    My voicemail at the end of your beat on SoundCloud
    Think you can bring a tough crowd?
    You, and your life — are you proud?
    It’s 500 Fahrenheit
    Am I shouting too loud?
    Too distracted trying to deal, barely making a sound

    In a daze- it’s a familiar haze

    I slip and fall into the bath
    Wash my hair, scrub my porcelain face
    Trying not to have a third panic attack
    The dial kept going, you said you’d call right back
    I’m a masterpiece in God’s eyes
    I’m a drug in them guys’ eyes

    But when I look at myself
    (And I’m screaming and shouting)
    And I pull my hair out
    (And I’m screaming and shouting)
    And the fog rolls in
    (And I’m screaming and –

    3 missed calls

    blue lagoon, pool, swimming

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